Monday, February 03, 2014

No Ice Cream For You!

My son loves ice cream.  So does Friz. 

Me?  While I wouldn't kick a big bowl of Cookies and Cream out of bed, i don't go ga-ga for it, either.

But as i said, Mini-Me loves it, so it's become a regular thing to haul my sexy ass down to Carvel at least once a week to pick some up for the family.  I usually go there on Wednesdays, because as we ALL know, "Wednesday is Sunday at Carvel!".  So i get to pick up TWO sundaes for the price of one. 

The family is happy, my wallet is happy... everyone wins.

Anyway, there used to be this cute little Russian girl who worked at my local Carvel.  I'm not sure why i just mentioned that she was cute.  Oh, who am i kidding?  Of course i know why i mentioned that... have you met me?

Anyway, aside from being cute, she was smart as a whip.  She knew what i was getting as soon as i walked in.  I felt like Norm from CHEERS.  I wouldn't have to say a word.  I'd just walk in, she would nod her head and get to work and within 5 minutes i was paying her and getting the hell outta Dodge.

But now, all that is over. 

Apparently, my wonderful Russian babushka has left her job at Carvel.  I miss her terribly. 

what's worse is that her position has been filled by a complete fuckwit.  This new kid is probably 18 years old.  He sports one of those lame-ass faux-hawks and he looks at you with a dead stare like the small pea in his head that he calls his brain has fallen out of his ear and wound up in the Tutti-Frutti.

Seriously, this guy is as dumb as a post.  I walk in to this store every few days, and each time he looks at me like we have never met before.  Then, i recite the same fucking list of goodies that i JUST recited 2 days previously, and he looks at me with that vacant stare of his for a few seconds, before shambling off to get me what i want.

But as annoying as that is, i could live with that.  What really gets me.... what REALLY gets my fucking goat, is that whenever he is done getting all my ice cream ready, he looks at me and mumbles....

"Is that all you're getting?  Yes or no?"

Yes or no?  What person in customer service says "Yes or No?" after asking you a question? 

It comes off sounding like i had better answer him right fucking quickly because he is in some big damn hurry to get back to his OTHER job as a brain surgeon or something....

And EVERY time he says it, it snaps one of the last few nerves i am daintily holding on to.

One day, oh, one day SOON, this cretin is going to say "Yes or no?" to me ONE TIME too many, and i am going to cram his pecker into the smoothie blender.....

Tuesday, January 07, 2014

Riding A Fat Boy

First off…. Happy New Year my lovey-dovies!

Can you believe it’s been almost a month since I last posted anything? So sorry about that.

It’s not my fault. Ok, actually it’s COMPLETELY my fault, but we really shouldn’t be standing around pointing fingers.

The fact of the matter is that, as some of you long-timers here may know, I like to take most of the month of December off from work, so I can lollygag around the house in my speedos drinking egg-nog and listening to old Andy Williams records. And when I’m home, especially during the holidays, the LAST thing on my mind is blogging.

Anyway, I’m back, and it’s a new year and all that noise.

So, what’s new with me?

Well, you might remember that last year when I had so much time off, I decided to lock myself in my house and watch about a thousand hours of Breaking Bad. Damn, that was exhausting. And awesome. As good a show as BB was, I told myself I would never subject my body and mind to another bout of binge-watching like that ever again.

Wanna guess what I did THIS holiday break?

This year, I finally decided to immerse myself in Sons of Anarchy. I started watching it the day before Christmas, and here we are, barely 2 weeks later, and I am about to put Season 4 to bed. I probably would have completely caught up by now if I hadn’t had to go back to work last week.

Damn damn DAMN, this is a really good show.

The best part of it is, while I’m watching it I can finally visualize myself being the biker I was always meant to be. I would have made a GOOD biker, too. I just needed to get over my fear of motorcycles, and I think I’d be all set.

I can picture myself now, riding down the road with my crew. I’d be all clad in leather, with those cool gloves that have the fingers cut off. Maybe some leather chaps that show off my huge package…

I bet I’d have a cool nickname too….. like T-Dog, or T-Boz, or T-Bag.

Yeah, T-Bag! I like it!

That would certainly strike fear into the hearts of rival gangs, wouldn’t it?