Tuesday, November 19, 2013
People often ask me why i like to lock myself away in my man-cave...
Ok, no they don't.
But, if they did, this is the kind of tale i would relate that would explain my case....
Friz: Good morning.
Stud: Good morning.
Friz: Hey, are you going out to get bagels this morning?
Stud: Bagels? No, i wasn't planning to.
Friz: No, it's OK.
Stud: What's OK?
Friz: No, don't worry about it.
Stud: Worry about WHAT?
Friz: ..... So, you AREN'T going out to get bagels this morning?
Stud: No, I'm not!
Stud: Well, for one thing, it's raining outside. And for another, i'm not hungry.
Friz: Oh, OK.
Stud: Sigh..... do you WANT me to go out and get bagels?
Friz: It's up to you.
This conversation took place about 90 seconds after i woke up.
P.S. I got bagels.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
My friends, I do believe that we have finally gotten to the point where there is just too much shit out there on the interwebs……
I’m sure I’m not alone here in my frustration, am I?
I mean, how the HELL am I supposed to look up stuff, when 999,999 of the million things that are returned from my web search are complete bullshit?
Let’s throw out an example, shall we? A HYPOTHETICAL example. Let me say that again…. I am not saying that the scenario below has ever actually happened… it’s all make-believe, you get me?
Let’s say a particular person, perhaps a very WELL-HUNG person, decides to sit his muscular ass down in his office chair to look up, oh, I don’t know… let’s say he fancied some midget porn.
We’ve all been there, right?
So, he bring up his trusty GOOGLE browser and types the aforementioned “midget porn” into his search bar, and clicks “SEARCH”.
Oh sure, our hypothetical stud will be sure to get some midget porn…..
Along with every fucking other type of thing in the world that has the words ‘midget’ or ‘porn’ in it. Shit, even if you use the trick of putting your search all in quotes, which is SUPPOSED to return you the ONLY THE EXACT PHRASE YOU ARE SEARCHING ON, you still get a complete hodge-podge of shit returned to you. It just doesn’t work.
Do you realize how much time I (er… I meant, our hypothetical person) had to sift through before he got to see some honest-to-goodness little people going at it?
Ok, maybe using “Porn” as an example is diluting my point a bit.
Let’s change gears and say that you wanted to Google “Holly Hunter”.
Even if you put her name in quotes, for every link about Holly Hunter that were returned, you’d ALSO get a link about:
Putting Holly around your Christmas tree
Hunting in the Ozarks
Every person on Facebook whose first name is Holly! Every fucking one!
You get the point, right?
I don’t know, maybe it’s me, but it just seems to me that in this golden age of information, I should be able to search for EXACTLY what I am looking for…..
And any rumors going around that I ended up touching myself to those pictures of Holly Hobbie are completely unfounded, I swear…..
Thursday, November 07, 2013
This little thing called work is making it harder and harder to be a blogger.
The reasons are many. Here are some of them:
Well, lets get the obvious out of the way, shall we? While it is true that they pay me to sit here and look beautiful, sometimes, just sometimes, they also expect me to get shit done. Bullshit, i know, but there it is. It's apparently not enough that i have to get up at an ungodly hour and drag my toned ass in here, but once i get here, they frown upon me watching porn all day and expect me to be productive. And lately, work has been a real bee-yotch and i havent had as much time to post as i used to. My post count for the year has been dreadful, and its all their fault. At least, thats my excuse.
Then, to compound matters, about 6 months ago, it became harder and harder to get Blogger working here at work. You would not believe the fucking hoops i have to jump through in order to get one of my incredibly important posts out to you all to eagerly consume. Sometimes, i can't type in the little blogger window. Sometimes, none of the buttons work. Sometimes, i'm drunk. Look, let's not split hairs and agree to blame all my troubles on this place, and not on me, k? The point is, it's been getting more and more difficult to post something.
This week, they made things even WORSE by finally blocking any known "Blogger" websites. So, what this means is that if your blog is "hotbitch.blogspot.com" or "blogger.com" or "Wordpress.com", then chances are that i cant even visit your blog here at work anymore. The only reason i am able to even post THIS now is because i pay for "www.slydesblog.com" so i guess the security software here hasnt been smart enough to figure out that this is a blog, too. Either that or some nerdy web guru has correctly deduced that my prose is so damn insightful and important to the world that they decided to let me to continue to post. In any event, if you have noticed that i havent been visiting you as much as i used to, this is why.
And before you say, "Hey, hot stuff! Why don't you just start blogging from home?", i say to you.... yeah, thats probably not gonna happen. As much as i love blogging, i REALLY love blogging on someone else's time. When it cuts into my valuable time at home of playing Xbox and watching porn, it suddenly becomes a lot less fun to blog.
So, what does this mean?
Honestly, not much. I'll still try to get posts out when i can. Since the Summer, i seem to have cut back to a "once a week" thing, and it has honestly been feeling "right" to me. At least for now.
The more troubling thing is that i am now effectively cut off from visiting 99% of all your fine sites, which sucks because i honestly enjoy reading them, and looking at pictures of you while wishing i could bang you.
So, what it comes down to is that while i won't be interjecting my witty comments as much as i used to on your wonderful blogs, i promise to try to turn the video games off early every few nights so i can at least check in and say "Hey, how YOU doin'?"
It's the least i can do for my loving fans.....