Monday, July 22, 2013

R.S.V.P. - Find Out What It Means To Me


Hey kiddies!

Wow, i think this is the longest I've gone without posting in ages... maybe ever.

I know you missed me, you missed me.... now the law of the land dictates that you now have to kiss me.

Anyway, i wish i could say that i have not been posting because i was out somewhere in the Middle East wearing my whip and fedora while discovering the Ark of the Covenant or something, but alas, the truth is not so exciting.

No, the TRUTH is, i just love Summer. I fucking LOVE it. I wait all year for these 3 months to come around, and when they do, i busy myself with so much Summer parties, frolicking, and general fun, that i really haven't had time to post.

Which brings me to a "Dear Abbey"-style question i wanted to run by you all.

About 2 months ago, I got asked to a party that was scheduled for this past Saturday. The people in question throwing the party are kinda pains in the asses, and i really didn't want to waste one of my valuable summer Saturdays hanging with them, but i knew that if i DIDN'T go to this particular party that I'd never hear the end of it, so i R.S.V.P'ed that i would attend.

For the past 2 months, all i kept hearing from these people was "You'd better not miss our party!".

This past Friday (the day before the party), i get a text from this couple saying simply "Party for tomorrow rescheduled due to weather. Party is now Sunday! Be there!"

What the FUCK?

I already had plans for Sunday, so i politely texted back that due to the change in dates, we weren't going to be able to make it.

Within minutes I got a text back:

"No, you HAVE to make it! Can't you cancel or reschedule your other event?"

That, my friends, is pretty fucking ballsy if you ask me.

When i texted back saying that i couldn't reschedule the other event, I received back:

"Well, we DID have SUNDAY listed as the rain date"

So, my question for all you fine folks is this:

When you R.S.V.P. to go to an event where they list a rain date, are you ALSO R.S.V.P.-ing to the rain date as well? Because that's the load of crap that these people were trying to sling my way this past weekend.

Because, I'm calling bullshit on that noise. If i can make your rain date, i will, but i am not blocking out my entire weekend two months in advance for your shitty party AND your potential shitty party rain date.

Do you realize how popular i am? The only way I'm committing to giving you a full weekend of my Summer time is if YOU are committing to getting me a whip-cream orgy at the Playboy mansion.

Tuesday, July 02, 2013

Sweet Dreams Are NOT Made Of These....


I've written here about my dreams a few times over the years.

Some of the highlights that I've talked about:

- I taught myself to no longer have nightmares.  Haven't had one in 20 years.

- My recurring dream where I'm driving a car, out of control, in reverse

- The disappointing fact that i have NEVER ONCE had a dream where i 'seal the deal'

Generally speaking, my dreams are usually pretty fucked up.  It must be a sign of my stratospheric intelligence.  Yeah, that must be it.

Anyway, over the years, I've had bad dreams, good dreams, sad dreams, happy dreams.....

.... but I don't think I've ever had a FUNNIER dream that i had last night.

The dream started where i got kidnapped.

Someone puts a bag over my head, so i can't see, and throws me in the back of a van. 

Really funny so far, right?

After we travel for a bit, my kidnapper carries me somewhere and throws me into what feels like a basement.  I can hear what sounds like about a dozen other people in there with me, and it appears like we have ALL been kidnapped.

The kidnapper pulls the bag off my head, and i find myself in complete darkness.  I cannot see a thing.

Then i feel a gun put to the back of my head, and the kidnapper tells me:

"You all have ONE MINUTE to start doing something that you like to do with your hands, that makes you feel good..... you all KNOW what I'm talking about!"

So, there i was, in the dark, not believing what this sicko was asking me (and everyone else down there with me) to do.  I stood there, frozen.

"30 seconds!  You better all start doing something that makes you feel good!  Get going or I am going to blow off the head of anyone who isn't doing it!"

So, with my life on the line, i decide that its time to put my self respect aside.  Besides, as i said, the room was pitch dark.. i couldn't see a thing, so no one could see ME anyway.

I drop my pants, and begin to have a fun time with Big Willy.

I'm in the middle of going at it, when the kidnapper says:

"OK, on the count of three, i am going to turn the lights back on!  Do NOT stop what you are doing!  Anyone stopping will be shot!"

Fearing for my life, I keep going.....

The kidnapper then says:

"3.....2....1.... Turn on the lights!"

As the lights come on, i look around, pants around my ankles, to find that I am the only person in the room masturbating.  Everyone else is standing around doing needlepoint.

The kidnapper looks at me and says:

"What the Hell are you doing, you sick bastard!  Get your mind out of the gutter!"

Then I woke up.

I laid in bed at 4A.M. and laughed till i cried.

Even when I'm sleeping, I'm fun to be around.....