Hey, I'm hip with what's going on with the young kids today, aren't i?
Sure, i am!
Oh, definitely! I'm all about the I-pods and the hipop and the Spongebob Squarepants... all that relevant stuff!
So, I felt it was high time that i took this ol' blog here up to the next level, and began to interface with this new fangled phenomenon called "The Internet".
Yeah, I'm not sure what it is, either. But apparently, Its a way for young kids today to look at porn, which sounds useful.
It's also a way that the kids today can meet up on something called a "social networking site". Ever the persistent investigator, i did even MORE research and found out that the most popular networking site is something called "Facebook".
I know.... I've never heard of it, either. But from what I'm understanding of it so far, this Facebook thingie is a place where you can see how ugly your girlfriends from high school have become. It's also a way that you can promote things going on in your life.
Anyway, i had 5 minutes to spare the other day, so i thought I'd step into the modern age and make a SLYDESBLOG page on Facebook.
So now, you can all go log on NOW and "LIKE" me and stuff. I'm not sure what that does for me, but apparently the more likes i get, the more my life has meaning, so I'm all for people to like it in bunches.
I haven't really done anything there yet, but maybe I'll start linking my posts HERE over THERE, and maybe, just MAYBE, if i get enough people following me over there, i can even put up some pictures now and then of me in my banana thong.
If THAT'S not enough of an incentive to get you folks over there, then I don't know WHAT is!
So, even though it is now officially Spring, Mother Nature continues to tease the East Coast by not getting herself all warmed up and bringing on the nice weather.
In fact, we've still has small sprinklings of snow just about every week. We were SUPPOSED to get a snowstorm YESTERDAY, for Jumping Jupiter's sake!
Thankfully, the reported snowstorm yesterday turned out to be no more than rain all day. Don't get me wrong..... rain sucks. Every time i let the dog out to do his business when it's raining, i am treated to the equivilent of a wet, dirty sponge running through the house when he comes back in. Not fun at all. BUUUUT, better THAT than more snow.
Anyway, over the weekend, when we heard of the possible storm, Mini-Me ran up to me with excitment in his eyes, proclaiming "Daddy! This is awesome! Maybe we can go sledding tomorrow!"
And i agree, that WOULD indeed be awesome, if it wasn't for ONE niggling detail which has dawned upon me over the last few years....
I fucking HATE sledding.
Seriously, i can't fucking stand it.
Yeah, the IDEA of sledding sounds GREAT on paper...... sliding down a hill at breakneck speeds on a hill of soft cotton sure SOUNDS swell!
The problem is, the reality never seems to match the expectation.
I took Mini-Me sledding a month ago, after our last Blizzard. Here's the recap:
First, I had to bundle both he and myself up with enough layers on to look like the Stay-Puff Marshmellow Man. By the time i get his gloves and boots on (a Herculean task, let me assure you), I've already had about as much fun as i'm going to be having for the day.
Then, we hustle ourselves to the nearest hill. Long Island is not KNOWN for their hills. Everybody and their grandma always tells me "I've got the best hill for sledding!", but their grandma can go eat me. Like Charley Brown running to kick the football, I haul my ass out to where they tell me to go, only to find yet another shitty little hill that has so many little bastards traipsing up and down it that by the time we get there it's more mud than snow.
But, since i want to hold on to my Daddy of the Year trophy, we always soldier on.
By the time we climb the hill, Mini-Me is huffing and puffing. I'm in perfect shape so I'm good, but i can see how others less sculpted as myself might get winded. I sit Mini-Me on his sled, give him a shove, and about one thousandths of a second later, he's at the bottom looking up at me with a "What the fuck? That's it?" face.
Then, i have to walk like Bigfoot in one of those old home movies from the 70's, back DOWN the damn mountain because my precious cherub can't manage walking back up on his own while holding on to the sled.
Then I half-drag him back UP the mountain to repeat the process.
It usually takes about four trips up and down the mountain before the two of us look at each other and say simultaneously, "Are we done here?"
Then we hoof it back to the car, and when i get home i throw the sled back in the shed, vowing to never bother to do this again.
Until the next year, that is, when without fail I will hear the call of ""Daddy! This is awesome! Maybe we can go sledding tomorrow!"
It seems that sometimes, just sometimes, being a persistent, bull-headed Sicilian pays off.
I FINALLY got my domain hosting company to admit that they are complete fuck-ups and that the problem people have been having getting to this site was on THEIR end.
Holy Shit that was exhausting! Sitting in their live support chat room every other day, calling the SAME techie-chick incompetent FINALLY got me some results.
Under NORMAL conditions, women just have to LOOK at me for me to get what i want, but since she REPEATEDLY refused to naked-webcam-chat with me, she naturally couldn't see me, so it made seducing her into doing what i wanted that much harder. You might not have realized this, but I'm not much of a smooth talker. I typically rely on my looks to get me what i want.
Anyway, after up-and-down swearing to me that the problem wasn't on their end (and quite snootily, i might add), i was finally able to show them a website that reports how a site is seen from different parts of the world. For about 60% of the known universe, my site was coming up as "Unknown Host". That FINALLY got this bitch to escalate my issue to her engineers.
Cut to 24 hours later, when she emails me this:
"According to the engineers, "The issue was that a Google record was created on our end that made our DNS resolver believe it was the authority for Google. Long story short, we have blacklisted the capability of adding DNS records for Google.""
Now, she pretty much lost me right after the word 'According', but I'm pretty sure i understood her COMPLETELY before that. Anything AFTER that, my mind just translated to "Blah blah gigabytes blah blah nerd blah blah never been laid blah blah".
But, all that is neither here nor there, since Slydesblog now once again seems to be viewable by the entire known world.
Which was just in the nick of time... It was quite cruel of the Internet to deprive the world of me for so long.....
This is going to be a hard one to get through, but i do believe that my process of personal healing will only begin when i finally get this off my chest.
Ready for it? Ok, here goes....
I have been watching Downton Abbey.
Ok, I might as well go the Full Monty here and give you full disclosure....
I haven't just been WATCHING Downton Abbey.....
I've been fucking LOVING IT!
I know, right?
If you would have told me 2 months ago that i would actually submit myself to watching a show about some early fansy-shmantsy turn-of-the-20th-century snooty English family living in their high-falootin' estate, i would have called you a crazy person.
But, Dammit all to Heck, this show a hoot.
After hearing all the hubbub that this show has been generating, last month i submitted myself to watch the first episode on Netflix, just to finally quell my curiosity more than anything. After hearing what the show was about, i couldnt see myself giving it more than a few minutes of my time.
And what a confusing first episode it was! There were more characters introduced in the first hour that i could count (and i can count past TEN!), and they all spoke with that funny accent that all you people across the Atlantic seem to like to do. It was all so VERY confusing.
I ended up watching the entire episode, but i felt that i had given it a fair chance, and didnt really plan to go back to it.
Then, for SOME reason that i cant put a finger on, a week later i decided to finally sit down and watch another one.
Then another. And another. And holy shit suddenly it was 2A.M. and i just HAD to stay up for one more episode! Lady Edith was just jilted at the altar! Mary and Matthew were having marital trouble! Sybil was in love with the Chauffer! I just HAD to know what the hell was going to happen next!
In all seriousness, i cannot believe that i just finished watching all three seasons. The show is SOOOOOOO outside of my wheelhouse that its laughable. I mean, I dont think i spotted even ONE zombie or terminator in ANY of these damn episodes!
I mean, i watched an entire episode that centered around Lady Violet's attempt at trying to win the county's annual Rose Blooming contest......
.... and i loved every fucking second of it!
Really, this is a great show. The writing is great, but its the characters themselves that keep you hooked. I honestly havent watched a show with characters so interesting since LOST when off the air, and if you've been around here awhile you KNOW how big of a boner i had for THAT show....
Anyway, i just had to share my guilty secret with you all.
Now, if you will all excuse me, I need to adjourn to the drawing room for some tea and crumpets. Might you care to join me? I just heard the most SCANDALOUS gossip! Apparently, Lady Yorkshore just showed her ankle to the chimneysweep!
Ok, I'll be honest. Work has been kicking my ass, and i STILL haven't fixed this damn problem with the blog.
The company i use to host my domain swears on a stack of Windows CD's that the problem is on google's set up. Google tech support is ready to testify in front of the Galactic Council that the problem ABSOLUTELY is on the domain carrier's end.
Meanwhile, i spent most of yesterday not able to get into my own fucking site from here at work.
The whole thing is really starting to piss me off. I mean, i don't mind if i don't have a lot of readers, but at least I'D like to be one of them!
Anyway, until this gets resolved, i find it very hard to get my lazy ass to post shit.
But whatever. Check out the clip below. I was never really a fan of the show Jackass, but damn i think this is the funniest thing they ever did. This clip is like 10 years old now and it still makes me chuckle.
Whenever i do something stupid in front of my friends, and they ask me "Why did you just do that?", to this day i still yell out "I've got Bursitis!"
I'm not a big believer in keeping secrets. I just think that, more often than not, they come back to bite you on the ass.
So, i try to be fairly open about things. Like the way i keep telling all of you that i'm hung like a horse. I could keep that shit to myself, but i just wouldn't feel right about it. Much better to get it out there and admit it to you all.
What was i talking about again?
Oh yeah, secrets.
Like i was saying, i don't like them. If not for anything else, if you ever DO get busted, you tend to look like an ass.
Case in point:
The following conversation happened to me last week:
Friz: I have to tell you something.
Stud: OK, shoot.
Friz: But if i tell you, you have to PROMISE ME you won't say anything about it.
Friz: I mean it! The person SWORE me to secrecy, and if she finds out i told you, she'll kill me.
Stud: Ok, OK, already.... spill it.
Friz: Wilma just told me that Fred's company lost their biggest contract and he might have to be looking for a new job soon.
You see what i did there? Gosh, i'm a crafty little minx. You might not have caught it, but 'Wilma' and 'Fred' aren't the REAL names of the people i'm talking about. I made them up, you see. In Actuality, Fred and Wilma are the names of two characters from a very old and obscure televsion show called The Flinstones! Holy shit, am i one sly motherfucker or what?
This was of course terrible news for our good friends Fred and Wilma, and i vowed to not let on that i knew anything about it.
Cut to this weekend, when we met up with a bunch of our friends at a local bar. Fred and Wilma were there.
Fred: So, i might have to look for a new job soon.
Stud: Really? What's going on?
Fred: My company lost their big contractor. We won't have any business coming in soon.
Stud: Really? Shit, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear that.
I must say, i was very convincing when i feigned ignorance. Generally, i'm a masterful bulshitter. How else do you think i've gotten thousands of chicks to sleep with me?
Anyway, at the end of the night, as we were driving home, the following conversation took place:
Stud: So, Fred told me about the whole job thing.
Friz: Oh, good.
Stud: You would have been proud of me.
Friz: Oh yeah? Why?
Stud: Because i acted completely surprised.
Stud: I pretended to be clueless, like you asked me to. I think i really sold it.
Friz: Why the hell would you do that?
Stud: Why? Because you asked me to pretend like i didn't know.
Friz: Oh THAT! I ended up telling Wilma i told you. She told Fred, so they both knew that you knew.
Stud: What? Why the fuck would you do that?
Friz: I don't know. We were just talking the other day and it came out. No big deal. They didnt mind.
Stud: No big deal? I just acted like a complete asshat in front of someone who fucking KNEW i was faking!
Friz: Oh, now you're overracting.
Stud: Overreacting? You just completely sold me down the river!
Friz: Stop being a baby.
So, in the end, because i tried to do the right thing, a fucking SECRET once again made me look like a complete tool.
That is it! I am NEVER EVER keeping a secret again!
By the way, have i mentioned that i have a big weenie?