Thursday, January 31, 2013

Girls Get Me

Don't you just hate it when you go to your favorite blog and they just put up a lazy post of a music video?

Yeah, me too!

Well, you might as well just move along then....

Remember back over the summer when i told you about one of my new favorite shows, Girls?

Well, the gang recently came back for season 2 and last week they had this REALLY funny episode where Hannah and her gay roommate did coke and went clubbing high out of their minds.  They ended up at a club that was playing the song below, and it's been fucking playing INCESSANTLY through my head ever since.

I've never heard of the band Icona Pop.  A REPUTABLE blog would have taken the time to look them up, at least on Wikipedia or something, to tell you an interesting tidbit about them right about here....

But you all have access to the internet, don't you?  Of course you do, sillyheads!  I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be reading this right now if you didn't, so if you are so inclined, go look 'em up yourself!

Do i have to do EVERYTHING for you?  I swear, i keep a nice house, have a nice dinner waiting for when you come home, and I even dress in that little french maid outfit you asked me to wear for you.  Can't you get off your ass for 10 minutes and help me out around the house for a change?  That's it!  I'm not putting out anymore until you acknowledge that this relationship is a partnership, dammit!

Now you made me upset.  I think it best if i stayed with my mother for a while until you think about what you want out of this relationship.


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Pronunciation Is Important

High school was embarrassing

Not for ME, mind you... but for other people.  I was the captain of the football team, the prom king, and i was banging cheerleaders two at a time.

But for OTHER, lesser kids?  Yeah, it was rough.

I mentioned a few weeks back how i wasn't really very into music when i was in young.  I'm not sure why, but at the time it just seemed more important to play my Atari and watch Falcon Crest.

As you might guess, not being into what the "cool" kids are into, can get you into some embarrassing situations.  The high point (LOW point?  whatever) for me was when some kids, who knew that i didn't know much about music, came up to me and asked me how many people were in the Beatles, and i said "Three".  For the next week i wanted to just curl up and die from all the shit i took every day.

But, as you might remember from your OWN experiences in high school, you are only a target for humiliation until someone ELSE does something stupid, and then the hot potato mercifully travels with THEM for a while.

Thankfully, after what became known as the Great Beatles Incident, two weeks later MY hot potato was thrown to my friend Ricky.

Ricky was like me.  Not as devilishly handsome, of course, but he was another kid who would rather sit home and play with his Intellevision than run out to buy the latest record.  That being the case, both Ricky and I both spent a good deal of every day pretending to know SOMETHING about music whenever the other kids brought it up.

But one day, poor Ricky decided to take it one step further, and it cost him.

Being a child of the 80's, you were the epitome of "Cool" if you wore a denim jacket, and had your favorite band painted on the back.  All i saw every day on my one mile walk home from school were dozens of kids with denim jackets on, proclaiming their undieing devotion to either Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, Asia, or any other number of bands from back in the day.

Well, one day my friend Ricky decided that he had had ENOUGH of the name-calling, and decided to get into music at last.

Of course, being the lazy shit he was, he didn't really want to LISTEN to any music.  He just wanted to present the ILLUSION that he listened to music.

So, he went to our local mall, and bought a denim jacket with Lynyrd Skynyrd emblazoned on the back.

Ricky wore his new jacket all day with pride.  He soaked in every compliment he got, no doubt thinking that that had been the best investment he had ever made.

Until later that day, when we were walking home from school.

A group of the local high school lowlifes approached us while walking.  I sensed trouble right away, but my naive friend Ricky, obviously thinking that his new jacket could act as a deflector shield to his previous taunting, walked up to them and began talking.

"Nice Jacket, Rick."

"Thanks guys!"

"Where did you get it?  We've never heard you talk about music before.... we think maybe you just borrowed that jacket from somebody"

"Me?  No way guys!  Lynyrd Skynyrd is my favorite band!"

The problem was, he didnt say "Lynyrd Skynyrd".....

He said, "LIE-Nard, SKY-Nard".

The look on these guys faces couldn't have been more clear.  It looked like someone had just thrown a gallon of chum in the water

Needless to say, the ass-kicking Ricky got that day ensured the fact that the offending jacket was NEVER ever seen or mentioned again.

I felt bad for him, of course....

... but I'd be lieing if i didn't admit that my FIRST thought that day was, "Thank GOD i didn't buy that REO Speedwagon jacket!"

So let that be a lesson to all you young kids out there.....

.... If you are going to pretend to be an authority on something, for God's sake make sure you can fucking pronounce it!

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Freeze!


Ah, remember the good old days when kids could walk around with fake but realistic weaponry and pretend to murder each other?

What a fun time that was!  I remember having tons of guns as a little tyke, from Tommy Guns, to grenade launchers, to good ol' fashioned revolvers.

And all of them looked completely real.  None of this fake orange plastic on the barrel shit for ME, thanks!

And astoundingly, there weren't any of these horrible school shootings that we have been enduring nowadays.  Funny, huh?

Ok, i am not going to get off on a gun rant (but for the record, I'm generally against them).

Look, the truth is, i had root canal yesterday and i'm hurting like a bitch, OK?  Since I've had a love affair lately with old commercials, i figured this was quick and easy to throw up on Ye Old Blog this morning, so don't give me any shit, OK?

Quick and Easy, that's me! (Right, ladies?)

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Sister, Sister!


Let's start this off with something easy that we know, to be true, OK?

I'm hot.

That's a given, right?  I mean, surely everyone who comes here ALREADY knows that I am the most stunningly handsome creature to have ever walked the earth.

YOU know it.... I know it... Strangers know it..... my mirror sure as shit knows it.....

But I am shy, and humble.  So, lets not dwell on my perfection.

The only reason i am bringing it up is because i fully realize that women find me irresistible, but sometimes you chicks need to find some self-control.

Case in point:

Last week i got a Facebook friend request from someone who's name at first i didn't recognize.  It took me a minute of looking at her picture and her name to put two and two together and remember where i knew this chick from.

It turns out that "Sally" is the sister of someone i dated eons ago. 

I only dated her sister for about 8 months or so, but during that time we would often go over Sally's house and hang out.  I always liked Sally.  She was fun (more fun that her psycho sister!), and was really pretty.

Anyway, it took me just a few months to FINALLY figure out her sister was mentally unbalanced, and i broke things off.  I never saw my ex or Sally again.  Ever.  I think the last time I laid eyes on either of them was in the mid 90's.

Cut to about 6 months ago when my ex friended me on Facebook.  And YES, i accepted the request.  Why?  I dunno.  Although things ended pretty badly, it HAD been about 15 years now.....i figured I might as well PRETEND to be mature for once and let my old anger slide....

Plus, I wanted to see what she if she was still hot.

Anyway, after sending each other a few pleasantries ("You look great!"  "Nice family!", etc), i had pretty much satisfied my curiosity about my ex and promptly once again forgot about her.

Until last week, when her sister friended me.

I thought it was a wee bit odd, but accepted her request as well. 

No sooner than i accepted her request than she started sending me emails.  At first, they were the typical "You're looking well!" and "So, what have you been up to?" kinda things, but THEN things took a turn for the weird.

The other day she asked me to go out with her one night for drinks.

Does that strike anyone else as strange?  I mean, back in the day, she was always very flirty with me, but then again, EVERYONE is flirty with me.  I kinda took it in stride.

But NOW?  I mean, its been 20 years.  Plus, from her pictures, I'm pretty sure that she's married now.  And, I'm ALSO pretty sure that I'M married now.

I mean, I GUESS it's possible that I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and her intentions were completely innocent.

But C'MON!!!!!!  There's no way i could be interpreting this any way other than what I'm thinking.

Again, i can't blame the poor girl.  It must have killed her all these years, thinking of me with her sister and wanting a turn for herself.  It must have been maddening for her.  She probably couldn't help herself....

It's like trying to stand on the sun without getting blinded.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Swingers


You know how i love vintage TV commericials, right?

Well get a gander at this one...

The time was 1965.

It was the Age of Aquarius, the era of free love and hippies....

A time to broaden your horizons with experimentation.....

Apparently, it was also a time to strap stupid shit on your head and make a fucking ass out of yourselves....



Now, i don't care HOW damn lonely you were as a kid.... WHO in their right mind thought that THIS was a better alternative than just sitting on the stoop by yourself, or masturbating?

But whatever you do, please don't try to masturbate WHILE sitting on the stoop....

I tried that once, and now i can't get within 1000 meters of an elementary school....

Fucking State laws!

Friday, January 11, 2013

Flying High Again


On New Years, i was bullshitting with some people at the party i was at, and we began talking about what was the most embarrassing thing you remember happening to you in high school.

And while, if i thought about it, i could easily rattle off a bajillion stories of embarassment, this is the first one that popped into my head.

I think the year was 1983.  As difficult as it might be to believe now, i was not ALWAYS the living epitome of sex and studliness that i am today.

Crazy, right?

But it's true.  The high school years were not very kind to young Slyde.  I wasnt much of an athelete, and i wasnt much into music, so i really didnt have much to talk to other kids about.

At one point, i decided to do something about it.  I started buying records that i heard kids talking about in school, so i could finally have something to talk about and not sound like a complete douch-nozzle when someone asked me about a particular band.  This was AFTER someone had asked me how many people were in the Beatles, and i had said "Three".  That got me wedgies for about 2 weeks.

Anyway, one of the first albums i bought was Ozzy's Diary Of A Madman.  So, i listened to it.  And listened to it again.  And again.  I actually got really into it.  I got into it SO MUCH that i decided that i was now an authority on Ozzie, and decided to go to the mall to buy an Ozzy Tshirt, so i could proclaim my undieing alliegance to him to the world.

So, i got to the mall, and the store was one of those places where you pick the design you want to put on the shirt, and they steam it on for you.  After much deliberation, i got a shirt that said "OZZY", in big, dripping blood letters on the front.  On the back, was a huge picture of Ozzy belting a tune into a microphone on stage.  I was SO stoked bringing this shirt home with me.  It was the SHIT!  I could not WAIT to wear it to school so i could walk past the stoners and show them that i was cool, too!

That monday, i wore my shirt with pride.  I went from class to class, and people commented on my shirt. 

I hit my high point of the day in Biology, in which i sat in front of the big stoner crew.  I kept hearing comments like "Check out his shirt!", "Nice shirt!", and the like.  I was on cloud 9!  I even felt them touching my back a few times, no doubt to get a feel for the awesome textures and fabric.

So, it came as a jarring shock to me as I left Biology that day, to hear nothing but laughs and rude comments as i walked down the hall.  I'm not gonna sully the chaste reputation of this blog with what was said, but suffice to say there was alot of talk about me liking the taste of wee-wee's.

For the life of me, i could NOT understand why the crowd was turning on me.

That is, until i went to the bathroom during Study Hall and saw the back of my shirt reflected in the mirror.

There was Ozzy, still belting out a killer tune, crooning into the mic.

There was the crowd, still in the background, screaming for more.

But then i spied something new.  Something that i most definitely did NOT ask the Tshirt guy to add to my shirt.

About to enter Ozzy's wide-open waiting mouth was the biggest (and might i add, crudely drawn) penis and balls.

It was huge.  I dont even think the poor man was going to be able to fit that whole thing even past his lips, nonetheless deep throat it.

Anyway, i was crushed.  I ran to my locker, put on my jacket, and spent the rest of the day walking around looking like Ally Sheedy from The Breakfast Club.

So, let that be a lesson to you young bucks out there.....

If you are buying a tshirt that has a picture of a person on it, for the love of God pick one where the dude's mouth is closed.

Tuesday, January 08, 2013

Hike!


First post of the year!  Yay for me!

I actually have some things I want to write about, too.  Maybe my muse has returned with the new year.

Regardless, I am kinda swamped with work right now, but I DID want to share this one with ya’ll.

You all know how I find news bloopers to be just about the funniest damn thing in the world?  Well, this one certainly fits the bill. 

Check it out…



The best part of this is that the guy who just steamrolled over that reported was the chick’s own cameraman.  I’m not sure what other way he envisioned that going down, but he doesn’t strike me as someone who really takes the time to think things through.