Tuesday, December 10, 2013

I'm Not Weird... I'm Just Drawn That Way....

A group of my buddies were hanging out the other day, and we got to talking about weird people we know. We were trying to see who could "out-weird" the others and have the honor of knowing the strangest person. Kinda like a "Dinner for Schmucks" thing.....

I thankfully know a boatload of fucked up people, so i won hands-down. At least that's how i saw it. Anyway, after all the laughter died down, we decided to throw the spotlight on ourselves, and asked the group what THEIR weirdest trait was.

Being gorgeous and hung like a ten-pole might lead you to believe that i don't have ANY weirdness in this fine body, but you might be surprised to know that i WILL admit to an odd quirk here or there. Nothing to put me in the looney bin, mind you, but there ARE a few things about me that people might find a tad off.

Here's one for you.....

I refuse to use a knife.

I don't mean that i won't use a knife as a weapon. Fuck that noise... i'll happily cut you if you so much as look at me funny or take my last Dorito.

No, silly. I mean that when I'm eating a meal, i will do every damn thing in my power to not have to cut my food with a knife.

It's been going on as long as i can remember. I can recall, being a young tyke, and my grandfather would cook a nice big Italian dinner every Sunday. Part of said meal consisted of huge honkin' meatballs. I think i could have thrown these things down a bowling alley.

Anyway, while everyone else in the family would cut the meatballs up and eat them in pieces, i preferred to stab it with my fork and eat it like a lollipop. Everyone used to look at me and say that it was cute. Of course it was cute... i was 6 and adorable. Doing that in a restaurant at 45 loses its appeal for some people.

But it doesn't end with meatballs. Even when presented with a knife, i can routinely be seen stabbing chicken cutlets, skirt steak, meatloaf, or anything else that i can fit into my mouth (Watch it, now!) with my fork, and nibbling it down.

The ONLY time i will use a knife is if i am at a restaurant, where waving your food in the air like you just don't care is generally frowned upon. Even then, I'll cut the food into big bites that would probably choke most people. Luckily, i have a good gag reflex (Hey! I said Watch it!).

The big question is, why do i do it? Laziness? Stupidity? Not giving a shit? Trying to show off my impressive swallowing skills? (OK, now I'm just asking for it!)

I honestly do not know. All i know is that i don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

And to anyone curious about how much i can swallow at one time, the answer is..... more than YOU'VE got, big guy!

6 comments:

MarkD60 said...

You should carry a small hatchet when you go to a restaurant.

B.E. Earl said...

You don't use a knife when you go to a steak house for a big hunk o' beef? That's fucking crazy.

You ARE the weirdest person in the world.

PS - Was I brought up in the initial conversation? I was, wasn't I? Fucker!

Slyde said...

mark: that might do the trick

earl: no, you werent mentioned, but i almost fucking linked to you in this post....

AlleyCat said...

Hahahaha no steak for you!!!

What about a rib eye - do you just pick it up by the handle to eat it???

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

My boy doesn't like to use a knife either. He prefers to cut with the side of his fork, even if he has to lean on it with his full weight. He's getting better about using a knife when and if he actually needs one though.

Jerry E Beuterbaugh said...

I hope 2014 proves to be a good year for you and yours!