Thursday, May 30, 2013

The Joker

Mini-Me gets a lot of things from me..... my stunning brown eyes, my rugged jawline, my devilishly goodlooks, my humility.....

Also, he seems to have inherited my sense of humor.

We were taking our weekly trip to Carvel last night, and because i have the maturity of a house fly, i spent most of the car ride teasing him about this girl in his class who CLEARLY has the hots for him, but to even MENTION this to him puts my son in a rage.  He does NOT want to talk about girls.

So, as i said, i spent the better part of the car ride making up stupid little knock-knock jokes, with REALLLY lame punch lines meant to tease him.

So, after 5 minutes of this, Mini-Me looked at me, and the following conversation took place:

Mini-Me:  Daddy, can i say a bad word?

Stud:  What?  Why?

Mini-Me:  I want to tell YOU a joke now, but i need to say a bad word.

Stud:  You NEED to say a bad word to tell me the joke?

Mini-Me:  Yes daddy.

Stud:  Hmmmmm.  Ok, as long as we dont make a habbit of this.

Mini-Me:  I wont, daddy.  I never say bad words.

Stud:  Ok, lay it on me.

Mini-Me:  Ok............ "What did one Daddy say to the other Daddy?"

Stud:  I dunno... what?

Mini-Me:  "You're a dick!"

I honestly don't know what was funnier.... the fact that i was completely speechless, or the fact that he found this joke so BRILLIANTLY raunchy that he simply could not contain himself.  He laughed himself silly, with tears in his eyes, for the remainder of our trip.  I have never seen him so beside himself with laughter.

Which, in the end, is what it's all about, isnt it?

Now I just need to teach him to fuck with OTHER people, and not with me.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

No More Mister Nice Guy!

Oooh, doesn't Pat Boone look all masculine and sexy on that album cover? 

He looks like a cross between Patrick Duffy and a gay biker. 

Not that I know too many gay bikers......  just the ones i see while watching gay porn.  Not that i see alot of gay porn...... just the hundreds of DVDs that i have bought online that ship to my house in discrete brown wrappers.

I seem to have gotten onto a tangent of pure silliness.  Gay porn was NOT what i intended to talk about today.

No, I wanted to talk about the excessive amount of SPAM i have been getting in the comments lately.

Now, I've talked before about how I hate hate HATE sites that use that damn word verification thingy where i have to type "JHFUILG" or some other such crap before i can comment on a site.  It drives me absolutely batty.  Mostly because I usually cant tell if one of the letters is an L or an I or something like that, and i end up having to try it a boatload of times before i can leave my comment.  It drives me crazy.  In fact, back in the day, i even ranted about it.

So, i have been quite proud of the fact that i have been able to spare you all the horrors of having to type those nonsense words here and have been able to keep it that way for over half a decade.

But i may finally have to bite the bullet and enable word verification.  Check out the comments on the last few weeks of posts to see why.  For some reason, i have been getting blasted with spam every few hours, and its really pissing me off.

This happened a few years back, and then after a month or so it stopped, so I'm gonna wait a bit before i pull the trigger on word verification, but if it doesn't stop (or at least slow down), i am going to have to ask you all to enter in "KERFLUDDLE" or some such shit every time you want to tell me how much you want to bone me.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

The Magic, She Is Gone.....

Last week we passed a sad yet inevitable milestone in the Slyde household...

I was forced to finally tell Mini-Me the truth about Santa.

It broke my heart.

He's been asking questions for a while now, and i'm pretty sure that deep down, he knew the truth already, but i certainly broke my ass every year helping to keep up with the illusion.

He was still All-In on where the Easter bunny and Tooth Fairy were concerned, too.

But last week, Friz had to go and finally ruin it.

Apparently, while i was out, Mini-Me started hammering Friz with questions again, asking if Santa is real, and i guess her resolve is not as strong as mine (or her ability to spew out bullshit), because she finally caved.

Actually, she did WORSE than cave....

She told him to ask ME about it.

So, completely obvlivious, i walked into the house and was instantly greeted with Mini-Me yelling, "Mommy said that you would tell me that Santa isnt real!"


Anyway, it honestly was very difficult for me to tell him the truth. Even though i exude pure testosterone out of every fiber of my being, i found myself getting all veklempt while i told him the truth.

In all honesty, i had intended to tell him soon anyway. He'll be entering Junior High in the Fall, and the LAST thing i wanted for him was to walk into that school filled with older kids, talking about a fat man climbing down his chimney. I dont think ANY kid could surive the inevitable amount of bullying that would ensue.


In the end, I came clean about where the presents come from, and where the jelly beans and colored eggs come from, and where his teeth go when he puts them under his pillow.

To his credit, he took it well.

Now, the only one left who is all fucked up over it is ME.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Zach Is An Inspiration

Everyone knows that I'm a big, macho guy, but every once in a while, a story comes along that makes me puddle up on the floor like jello.

You've all seen this kid on the news for the past few days, havent you?

In case you haven't, this is Zach Sobiech.  He's a 17 year old kid who has been battling a rare form of bone cancer since he was 14.  Last Fall, the doctor's told him he was terminal, and only had months left.

This brave, talented young kid decided to use his talent for music and write a song to say goodbye to his friends and family.  He uploaded the song "Clouds" to Youtube, where it went viral.

Now, with literally weeks left, a boatload of stars got together and created a tribute video where they lip-sync Zach's song and thank him for the tune.

It's impossible to not get all veklempt listening to this, but aside from the emotional aspect of the story, the song is just GOOD.  It's catchy, and i found myself humming it all weekend.  I ended up buying the song since the proceeds are going to his family and the cancer research fund that they set up.

I feel for this poor kid, and i can't stop thinking of what an awesome dude he is to have completed such an undertaking while dealing with the shitty hand he has been dealt. Fuck, i rock myself back and forth on the floor in the fetal position if my DVR cuts off the last minute of Game of Thrones.

Anyway, Here's to you, Zach.  May your road ahead give you the peace and serenity that you deserve.

Thursday, May 09, 2013

I'll never Look At Robin Williams The Same Way Again

Just kill me now.

This week, the boys in Mini-Me's class got seperated from the girls for an afternoon so they could attend "Maturity Class".

You might know Maturity Class by its old name, "Sex Education".

I was wondering how my little man was going to handle it.

I shouldn't have bothered wondering, however, because nothing i could have thought up would have been REMOTELY close to what actually happened.

Mini-Me: Daddy, we had Maturity Class today.

Stud: I know. How was it?

Mini-Me: It was funny. We laughed alot.

Stud: What was so funny?

Mini-Me: The teacher drew a picture of a wee-wee!

Stud: A wee-wee?

Mini-Me: Yeah, dad... a penis.

Stud: Yes, im fully aware of the fact that a wee-wee is a penis.

Mini-Me: It was funny. He drew the balls and everything!

Stud: Well, did you learn anything?

Mini-Me: Yeah, i guess. We learned that our voice is going to get deeper soon, and we are gonna start getting hair all over our body.

Stud: Yup, thats right. Did you learn anything else?

Mini-Me: Yeah, one other thing.

Stud: Tell me.

Mini-Me: We learned that sometimes our wee-wee might get hard.

Stud: Oh Fuc... .

Mini-Me: Daddy?

Stud: I mean, YES, thats true.

Mini-Me: The teacher said that it happens when you get excited.

Stud: Yup. Son, it happens to everybody.

Mini-Me: I know.

Stud: Has it ever happened to you?

Mini-Me: Yes.

Stud: Thats ok.

Mini-Me: It happened to me last night while we were watching Flubber.

Stud: Like i said, it's normal..... Wait, What?

Mini-Me: It happened when we watched Flubber.

Stud: I don't know why I just don't stop now, but i need to know.... during what part?

Mini-Me: When the scientist and his girlfriend were trying to stop the bad guy.

Stud: It happened THEN? THEN?

Mini-Me: Yeah, and it makes sense, cause that scene was pretty exciting!

I swear that i could have fainted dead away.

I don't yet have the strength to explain to him that the teacher was talking about a whole DIFFERENT kind of "exciting".

Maybe i never will.

I don't think i have it in me to continue this conversation.

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

I'm Gonna Make It After All....

The other day, I spent the day with my niece in Manhattan, and i think I've finally managed to learn something about myself......

I don't think I'm much of a city person anymore.

In my youth, i certainly THOUGHT i was.  Growing up on the Queens border, i spent many days and nights in big bad New York City, along with everyone else i knew.  It was kind of a badge of honor amongst us to see who was the most knowledgeable of all the city hot spots and goings-on.

Then, when i turned 18, my family moved farther out on Long Island.  At the time, i thought my life was over.  Seeing all the trees, parks, big front yards, and general greenery made me feel like i should be standing on my front lawn holding a pitchfork next to some old lady.  I HATED it, and spent more time travelling back to my old stomping grounds than i did in my new home.

But, as time went on, i gradually started to appreciate the pleasures that a more relaxed way of living had to offer.  For one thing, people weren't stabbing each other.  I found that to be quite a nice change.  Moreover, people seemed generally HAPPIER.  Maybe it was the fact that we all weren't living on top of each other in small, boxed homes, but people generally seemed happier to be alive.  Plus, as i said, there was that whole concept of less people wanting to stab me.

Anyway, I look back on those times now with astonishment that there was a time in my life where i actually PREFERRED to live that way over the more suburban, pool-in-the-backyard, weekend-orgy-in-the-Hamptons life that i have now.  I KNOW that it all made sense to me back then, but for the life of me i can no longer remember WHY.

I guess it all kind of came to a head for me this weekend as i traversed the streets of Manhattan with my niece, who has now become a die hard cosmopolitan.  For every time she told me, "This block has any kind of food you can want.. from a Haitian bakery over there, to great Thai place next door, to a superb Greek place across the street!", all I thought about was, "I'd rather just be home sitting in my backyard where i WOULDN'T be seeing this homeless guy pee on my leg."

I dunno.  Maybe I've just become lazy in my old age, but at this point in my life I'll take a nice quiet backyard with a hammock to a 24-hour rave hall anyway.

Thursday, May 02, 2013

And It Starts Right Now!

Yes, I'm at work right now, and i should actually be, you know, doing WORK, but darn it all to heck (sorry for my language) i felt like making myself chuckle with my favorite past time..... watching news bloopers.

Here's a great one.  I'm not sure if its this guy's epic fail, or his super effeminate war-cry are what makes me guffaw every damn time i see this, but guffaw i do.