Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Make 'Em Laugh

Let's talk about something that really irritates me....

And no, I'm not talking about sandpaper on my genitals.... The secret THERE is if you rub the paper in a counterclockwise motion, there is hardly ANY residual scarring.

No, I'm talking about people in your life who don't know the first thing about how to be funny, but THINK that they are fucking HYSTERICAL!

Now, maybe i should be a bit more understanding. After all, the gods have granted me the gift of being pee-your-pants funny. All my life, its been my blessing, and my curse. Typically, God only grants the gift of humor to ugly people, to help them compensate for the fact that people are repulsed by them when they walk into a room, but for some reason, God double-dipped with me and not only made me blazingly quick-witted, but devastatingly handsome. It's really not fair to the rest of you. I'm not complaining, mind you, but i cant help thinking that because i was granted a double dose of perfection, some poor slob who was after me in line might have gotten neither humor NOR looks. What a poor, miserable life that person must be living....

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah, being funny.

The point being, it drives me absolutely batty when someone who doesn't have ONE funnybone in his body tries to be funny. Badly.

I have an aquaintance who suffers from this affliction and i just want to hit him over the head with a lead pipe every time he spews out one of his lame attempts at levity.

Me: I have to blow off the meeting today.

Him: You do?

Me: Yeah. Yes, I do.

Him: I bet you enjoy that, don't you?

Me:   -sigh-

Him: I said i bet you like blowing off the meeting.....

Me: Yeah, i heard you.

Him: You like "Blowing Stuff"!

Me: Yeah, i really do.

Him: I'm talking about blowjobs! Hee hee!

Me: Yeah, i know.

Him: I'm saying that you like giving them.

Me: I GET IT!!!

Monday, April 22, 2013

Shortest. Employement. Ever.

You guys know how much i adore a good newscaster blooper, right?

Well, North Dakota news anchor A.J. Clemente just made MY Monday a whole lot better!

Clemente, who was just hired by NBC affiliate KFYR-TV in North Dakota was JUST about to be introduced by his new co-anchor on his FIRST day of his job, when he apparently didnt realize that his mike was on, and decided to blurt out what was on his mind...

Unfortunately, for young A.J., what was on his mind was the need to yell "Fucking Shit!".

Thats funny enough, but then his poor co-host, Van, tries to bully through it, and just stumbles all over herself.

Then, not to be outdone, my new best friend A.J. decides to try to get one last sentence out before his career got cut blisteringly short.

He probably should have stopped at "Fucking Shit".

Anyway, as would be expected in our ultra P.C., offend-no-one world, KFYR reported today that Clemente "has been suspended until we resolve the situation. All we can do at this point is ask for your forgiveness."

Forgivness? This dude deserves an Emmy!

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Hang Tough, Beantown

I've lived in New York my whole life.  There's a natural rivalry between NY and Boston that's been around a long time, so legally, I am obligated to dislike all things 'Boston'.  I think it's in the fine print of my contract.

I CAN say that I DID drive through Boston once.  I was never so damn scared in my life.  New Yorkers are dangerous drivers, but you Bostonians are CRAZY!

But damn it all if we cant put all that play-rivalry aside for a while and let our hearts go out to the city of Boston for what they went through yesterday.  Watching that footage of explosions, and dust flying, and city-goers running for their lives, brought back to me the memory of ANOTHER horrible day, more than a decade ago, where a different city wept.  A different city suffered.  A different city lost lives.  And, in time, a different city was reborn.

Watching the news last night brought back 9/11 for me in a way that i really thought i had gotten past, but i guess i was mistaken. 

So, all i can tell you, Bostonians, is to hang in there.  In time, things will start to make sense again.

And then, we can go back to hating each other......

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

The Walking Dead Left Me Lifeless

Ok, The Walking Dead Season 3 finale aired over a week ago, so i think i can now safely talk about it without spoiling anything for anybody.

Was it just me, or did the finale suck balls?

Now, I've got to come clean with some full disclosure here.  I am a Walking Dead fan.  Actually, I'm MORE than that..... I'm a walking dead FANATIC.  YEARS before the TV show aired, I was one of the few people who would trek to their local comic book store every week to buy The Walking Dead comic.  Then I'd run home (with my pants off) and thrill to Rick and the gang's latest escapades.

And THAT'S kind of been a big part of my problem with the show so far.  From the beginning, they made the decision to change things up from the book, and make this a completely different story, while mostly using the same characters.

It drives me crazy, mostly because the stories have been told so much better in the comics.  And when they kill off people on the show while those characters are STILL alive and kicking in the comic, it pisses me off.  Especially when they kill off characters without putting them in some of their better story lines from the comic.

Ok, that's my personal gripe as a comic book fanboy, but that is NOT why i hated the finale.

The finale just sucked. 

Let's recap:

The governor FINALLY decides to bring a can of whup-ass to the prison.  He brings his army with him, as they bust down the prison fences.  Then we got treated to 20 minutes of watching the Governor and his troops tip toe through the prison., doing nothing, until they run into the prison gang who start to shoot at them.  Then we watched 5 minutes of gunfire, where NO ONE GETS SHOT BY ANYONE, followed by the Governor and his group high-tailing it back OUT of the prison as fast as their feets can carry them.

Then, the Governor, in a childish hissy fit, decides to gun down HIS ENTIRE ARMY.  Then he runs away.

Episode over.

What the Hell?

In the comics, the final fight between Rick and the Governor was a fucking BLOODBATH.  Around half the characters in the book got killed off, INCLUDING the governor, Lori.... even their child, for gosh sakes!

Did we need to see that played out on the show?  Not necessarily.......

... but we needed..... SOMETHING to happen. 

That final episode just left me feeling cheated.

Thursday, April 04, 2013

Blogger Roulette

It might be time for me to play another round of Roulette.

No, not RUSSIAN roulette!  I wouldn't dare enrage the women of the world by chancing a blemish on this otherwise perfect face.

Sometimes, as I'm perusing some of the more popular blogs out there, and i see all the gazillions of comments that these blogs generate, i decide to play a game that I've come to call Blogger Roulette.

First, i leave my comment after reading the latest post. THEN, i quickly scroll thru the comments that others have left and find one that i find interesting. Let it be known that i most definitely choose a commenter who had something witty to say, and NOT because i thought their little thumbnail avatar picture was hot. Certainly not!

Anyway, HOW i choose a commenter is neither here nor there. The point is that I then go to THAT person's blog and read their latest post. If i like what i read, then i will comment on THAT blog. After doing so, i then troll through THEIR latest commenters and rinse and repeat. You get the idea.

I'll keep going through this routine until either:

A) I choose a commenter who doesn't have a blog, or they haven't posted anything new in ages
B) The last blog i come across has no interesting (or hot) commenters
C) I find a blog where the person is just bat-shit crazy, and they quite frankly scare the shit out of me

You would be fucking AMAZED at how many times I've lost at Blogger Roulette because of Option C. One second, I'm reading some mommy blog about how proud some chick in Montana is about her latest quilt, and the next thing i know I'm at some blog reading homo-erotic Harry Potter fan fiction.

It's kind of a game that i play with myself (playing with myself! Ha HA!) to pass away the time when I'm trying to look busy at work without actually working. Most times, i end up visiting no more than 4-5 blogs before i hit one of my end-conditions, but i have had some good runs over the years where I've visited 20-something blogs before i hit my brick wall.

The neat part is, sometimes those people who I've visited end up coming here, stalking me back. In fact, I've found some of the people who will read THIS POST that very same way. Most times, those people will leave a quick comment and then i never hear from them again.

But sometimes, just sometimes, it ends up being the beginning of a beautiful, long-lasting cyber-relationship.

Which is kinda nice, since most of my previous cyber-relationships ended with some used Kleenex and an hour of personal loathing.

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

This Is The End!

Calm down, ladies.... I'm not going anywhere. That would be an incredinbly cruel disservice to the gaggle of young chippies out there who read my blog every night in their sexy nightgowns while having dirty thoughts about me.

Plus, as incredible as it might seem, i've still got TONS of stupid shit to talk about.

So no, I'm not quitting the blogosphere.

I merely wanted to show you guys the new red-band trailer for THIS IS THE END.

Have you heard about this one? The movie stars half the young actors in Hollywood. And they all play themselves. The movie is about a big party that James Franco decides to throw at his house in L.A., when the shit hits the fan and the end of the world hits.

Is it going to be funny? Gosh, with the cast they have, i sure as shit hope so. The trailer made me laugh, anyway. But then again, you KNOW that they always put the funniest shit in the trailers, so maybe i just saved you all $10 and the price of a large bag of Twizzlers.

Anyway, check it out. Caution: This is the Red-Band trailer, so there's plenty of naughty talk. If you're at work and you decide to blast this at top volume through your office, it's a safe bet you'll be able to sleep in tomorrow.