Thursday, March 07, 2013

The Secret


I'm not a big believer in keeping secrets.  I just think that, more often than not, they come back to bite you on the ass.

So, i try to be fairly open about things.  Like the way i keep telling all of you that i'm hung like a horse.  I could keep that shit to myself, but i just wouldn't feel right about it.  Much better to get it out there and admit it to you all.

What was i talking about again?

Oh yeah, secrets.

Like i was saying, i don't like them.  If not for anything else, if you ever DO get busted, you tend to look like an ass.

Case in point:

The following conversation happened to me last week:

Friz:  I have to tell you something.

Stud:  OK, shoot.

Friz:  But if i tell you, you have to PROMISE ME you won't say anything about it.

Stud:  OK.

Friz:  I mean it!  The person SWORE me to secrecy, and if she finds out i told you, she'll kill me.

Stud:  Ok, OK, already.... spill it.

Friz:  Wilma just told me that Fred's company lost their biggest contract and he might have to be looking for a new job soon.

You see what i did there?  Gosh, i'm a crafty little minx.  You might not have caught it, but 'Wilma' and 'Fred' aren't the REAL names of the people i'm talking about.  I made them up, you see.  In Actuality, Fred and Wilma are the names of two characters from a very old and obscure televsion show called The Flinstones!  Holy shit, am i one sly motherfucker or what?

Anyway...

This was of course terrible news for our good friends Fred and Wilma, and i vowed to not let on that i knew anything about it.

Cut to this weekend, when we met up with a bunch of our friends at a local bar.  Fred and Wilma were there.

Fred:  So, i might have to look for a new job soon.

Stud:  Really?  What's going on?

Fred:  My company lost their big contractor.  We won't have any business coming in soon.

Stud:  Really?  Shit, that sucks.  I'm sorry to hear that.

I must say, i was very convincing when i feigned ignorance.  Generally, i'm a masterful bulshitter.  How else do you think i've gotten thousands of chicks to sleep with me?

Anyway, at the end of the night, as we were driving home, the following conversation took place:

Stud:  So, Fred told me about the whole job thing.

Friz:  Oh, good.

Stud:  You would have been proud of me.

Friz:  Oh yeah?  Why?

Stud:  Because i acted completely surprised.

Friz:  What?

Stud:  I pretended to be clueless, like you asked me to.  I think i really sold it.

Friz:  Why the hell would you do that?

Stud:  Why?  Because you asked me to pretend like i didn't know.

Friz:  Oh THAT!  I ended up telling Wilma i told you.  She told Fred, so they both knew that you knew.

Stud:  What?  Why the fuck would you do that?

Friz:  I don't know.  We were just talking the other day and it came out.  No big deal.  They didnt mind.

Stud:  No big deal?  I just acted like a complete asshat in front of someone who fucking KNEW i was faking!

Friz:  Oh, now you're overracting.

Stud:  Overreacting?  You just completely sold me down the river!

Friz:  Stop being a baby.

So, in the end, because i tried to do the right thing, a fucking SECRET once again made me look like a complete tool.

That is it!  I am NEVER EVER keeping a secret again!

By the way, have i mentioned that i have a big weenie?

9 comments:

B.E. Earl said...

The biggest secret I've ever kept is that my friend, um...Clyde, yeah..Clyde likes to dress in ladies undergarments. I used your "substitute a phony name" device for that admission. Phew!

Just Keepin It Real, Folks! said...

Next time just drop your pants and everyone will forget about the so called secret and focus on what's really important.

Slyde said...

earl: thats a coincidence, since my friend Pearl is a dick

justkeeping: see? That's why i like you, right there....

Annabelle Archer said...

Not cool Friz, not cool.

Slyde said...

there's my girl...

Yvonne said...

I concur with Just Keeping it Real,Folks' suggestion. It's a win-win for everyone. ha!

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Sweets said...

hello there :) so glad to see you're still blogging!!!

anyway, i hope you learnt your lesson, no matter what you do it'll be wrong hehe

Dr Zibbs said...

HAHA! Your wife deserves a beating.