On New Years, i was bullshitting with some people at the party i was at, and we began talking about what was the most embarrassing thing you remember happening to you in high school.
And while, if i thought about it, i could easily rattle off a bajillion stories of embarassment, this is the first one that popped into my head.
I think the year was 1983. As difficult as it might be to believe now, i was not ALWAYS the living epitome of sex and studliness that i am today.
But it's true. The high school years were not very kind to young Slyde. I wasnt much of an athelete, and i wasnt much into music, so i really didnt have much to talk to other kids about.
At one point, i decided to do something about it. I started buying records that i heard kids talking about in school, so i could finally have something to talk about and not sound like a complete douch-nozzle when someone asked me about a particular band. This was AFTER someone had asked me how many people were in the Beatles, and i had said "Three". That got me wedgies for about 2 weeks.
Anyway, one of the first albums i bought was Ozzy's Diary Of A Madman. So, i listened to it. And listened to it again. And again. I actually got really into it. I got into it SO MUCH that i decided that i was now an authority on Ozzie, and decided to go to the mall to buy an Ozzy Tshirt, so i could proclaim my undieing alliegance to him to the world.
So, i got to the mall, and the store was one of those places where you pick the design you want to put on the shirt, and they steam it on for you. After much deliberation, i got a shirt that said "OZZY", in big, dripping blood letters on the front. On the back, was a huge picture of Ozzy belting a tune into a microphone on stage. I was SO stoked bringing this shirt home with me. It was the SHIT! I could not WAIT to wear it to school so i could walk past the stoners and show them that i was cool, too!
That monday, i wore my shirt with pride. I went from class to class, and people commented on my shirt.
I hit my high point of the day in Biology, in which i sat in front of the big stoner crew. I kept hearing comments like "Check out his shirt!", "Nice shirt!", and the like. I was on cloud 9! I even felt them touching my back a few times, no doubt to get a feel for the awesome textures and fabric.
So, it came as a jarring shock to me as I left Biology that day, to hear nothing but laughs and rude comments as i walked down the hall. I'm not gonna sully the chaste reputation of this blog with what was said, but suffice to say there was alot of talk about me liking the taste of wee-wee's.
For the life of me, i could NOT understand why the crowd was turning on me.
That is, until i went to the bathroom during Study Hall and saw the back of my shirt reflected in the mirror.
There was Ozzy, still belting out a killer tune, crooning into the mic.
There was the crowd, still in the background, screaming for more.
But then i spied something new. Something that i most definitely did NOT ask the Tshirt guy to add to my shirt.
About to enter Ozzy's wide-open waiting mouth was the biggest (and might i add, crudely drawn) penis and balls.
It was huge. I dont even think the poor man was going to be able to fit that whole thing even past his lips, nonetheless deep throat it.
Anyway, i was crushed. I ran to my locker, put on my jacket, and spent the rest of the day walking around looking like Ally Sheedy from The Breakfast Club.
So, let that be a lesson to you young bucks out there.....
If you are buying a tshirt that has a picture of a person on it, for the love of God pick one where the dude's mouth is closed.