Friday, November 30, 2012

What The .... ?



Look, the 60’s were slightly ahead of my time, but I’ve watched enough TV to know that all you Baby Boomers out there did tons of drugs and other fucked up stuff during that time, so maybe this is just a case of you not being quite in your right mind when you were asked to come up with a commercial for a new children’s doll.

The doll, named Baby Laughs A Lot, might have SEEMED good on paper.  I mean, EVERYBODY likes to laugh, right?

So why then, when I watch the commercial below, do I want to poo my pants with sheer fucking terror?

It’s bad enough that the toy itself is just creepy as shit with that evil laugh, but those damn girls whiplashing their head at me to stare into my soul make me want to piss myself and yell for my mommy.

Is it just me?  You be the judge.

Monday, November 26, 2012

I’m A Pepper!


Didn’t I JUST make up some lame excuse for not posting in over a week? 

OK, well here’s another:  Last week was Thanksgiving here in the good ol’ U.S., and I ended up taking the whole week off from work.  And if I’m home, I’m almost NEVER blogging.  My free time is usually filled up with orgies and fetish conventions.

Anyway….

You are all watching American Horror Story, right?

If you aren’t, then you’re really doing yourself a disservice.  While I felt that last season started off good and creepy, it quickly tumbled downhill into the silly and unbelievable.

THIS season, however……. Holy Schniekies!

This season, sub-named “Asylum”, has been outstanding!  From the opening credits, right on through to the end, I have been thoroughly creeped out and entertained each week.

One of the most unnerving characters on the show is Pepper, lovingly called “Pepper the Pinhead”.  I honestly can’t see where the nickname came from.


After seeing a few episodes with Pepper, I had no doubt in my mind that the producers had actually cast someone with some kind of impairment in the role.  They did something similar last season by casting a girl with Down Syndrome as one of the leads.

So, you can imagine my surprise when Earlsie emailed me a week ago to show me that Pepper, whose real name is Naomi Grossman, is actually NOT disabled.  She just goes thru 3 hours of prosthetics each week to transform into Pepper!  

Naomi ACTUALLY looks like this:


How crazy is that? 

I have to admit that now I’m quite conflicted, because every time that I now see Pepper on screen, I can’t help but think that there is a chick under all that who I wouldn’t mind banging. 

It’s leaving me all conflicted and feeling dirty.  It’s kinda the same feeling I’d imaging I’d get if one day I thought my grandma was hot.

We’ve all been THERE, right guys?

Just me, then?  Ok. 

Anyway, the point I am trying to make here is that the makeup people on AHS deserve a fucking Emmy for what they are doing on that show. 

Seriously, George Lucas should bend over and take one of those fake pinhead scalps right up the ass because Pepper’s makeup looks ten thousand times more authentic than the bazillion dollars Lucas spent on those dopey-looking characters in the Star Wars sequels.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Truth Hurts


Her: What do you think of this outfit on me?

Him: It’s great.

Her: You’re not even looking at me!

Him: I already know what you look like.

Her: Seriously, how do I look? I want to wear this to work today.

Him: You really want to know?

Her: Yes! That’s why I asked you.

Him: I don’t like it.

Her: What? Why? What’s wrong with it?

Him: Nothing is ‘WRONG’ with it. I just don’t like it.

Her: It figures YOU don’t like it. You don’t like anything except clothes that make me look like a hooker.

Him: What can I say? I know what I like.

Her: Will you please be serious? I need to leave for work soon!

Him: What else do you want me to say? I don’t like it. I think it makes you look frumpy.

Her: Frumpy? This is NOT a frumpy outfit! You wouldn’t know a frumpy outfit if one walked up and smacked you in the ass…..

Him: Anyone who wears THAT outfit wouldn’t be able to smack me in the ass.

Her: Why not?

Him: Because the type of person who wears outfits like that would break their hip if they tried to smack me since they’d be about 95 years old.

Her: You’re an asshole.

Him: Maybe, but at least I don’t dress like I’m about to do the fucking Charleston.

Her: Nice.

Him: Thanks!

Her: Well, I’m going to change, anyway.

Him: What? Why? You said you liked that outfit!

Her: No, not really.

Him: Then why the hell did you ask me if I liked it?

Her: I just wanted to know your opinion.

Him: Thanks for wasting 10 minutes of my life, Bea Arthur.

Her: You’re welcome, jackass.

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

Oh, Sandy!


I do believe that this may very well be the longest I have ever gone without putting up a post.

And for once, I have an excuse besides just pure ‘laziness’.

No, I wasn’t lazy….. I was just living back in the stone ages for a while.

And once you can get past not having ANYTHING to do, going to bed at 8PM since you are sitting in darkness and bored shitless, and wearing 2 sweaters and gloves to bed because you are colder than a fucking ice cube, it really wasn’t all that bad….

Yes, of course I’m talking about hurricane Sandy.  That cold-hearted bitch did a real number on me and my neighbors here on Long Island.

We lost power about 7:30pm Monday. 

The first day or two without power is kind of an adventure.  You can sit around by candlelight, tell stories, and play boardgames.  It’s kinda like going camping and taking your house with you.

Then, it all starts to get to you.  By day 4 I felt like I wanted to kill anyone who asked me “So, is your power back on yet?”

The WORST was Tuesday night, a mere 24 hours after the storm, when our power came back on at 10:30PM.  We were already in bed (because, what the hell ELSE could I be doing in the dark at that time?), when all the house lights suddenly came back on.  We couldn’t believe our good fortune.  We all ran out in the street where all our neighbors had already flocked, whooping it up and banging pots in celebration.

4 minutes later the lights went back off.  That was probably the cruelest joke that’s ever been set upon me.

I tried about 100 times to buy a generator, but you’d have a better chance on getting a fucking unicorn last week than one of those machines.  I tried everything.  I was getting up at 4AM to sit on a line already 100 people long at Home Depot, only to be told that there was no delivery that day, and to try again tomorrow.

The worst part of it was that Mini-Me turned 10 last week, and although he didn’t carry on about it, the look on his face as he spent his first day in double-digits in the dark, disappointed and shivering with nothing to do, just about broke me down.

Anyway, whatever the hell doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, and all that shit.

Honestly, I consider myself very lucky.  No major house damage, and we still have all our fingers and toes.  I know many, MANY people who lost everything last week.  My heart breaks when I take a walk just a few blocks away and see the devastation people are dealing with.

Hell, you guys probably know more about the wreckage of New York and New Jersey than I do right now.  I haven’t seen a TV in 8 days…….

Fucking Aliens could have invaded and it would be news to me……