Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Gandalf Style!



I know this post isnt much, but i HAD to post SOMETHING just to get that giant penis picture out of my face every time i come here.

You're welcome.

Anyway, by now you all are probably getting sick of Korean pop sensation PSY and his disgustingly-catchy ditty, "Gangnam Style".  In fact, i'm SO sure that you all know what i'm talking about that i'm not even going to insult you all with providing the link.

Why would i NEED to?  The fucking guy has been EVERYWHERE lately.  I even heard he's been on Ellen, for fucks sake.

Anyway, whenever something stupid takes the country by storm, people feel the need to keep it going as long as possible, usually by making tons of parodies of it.  Gangnam style is no different.  If you youtube "Gangnam parody" you'd probably die of old age before you watched them all.

Anyway, when you can't beat em, join em.  Here's another one.  It's not that funny, or smart, but for some reason i find myself clicking on it every few days.  I guess i just find it funny that this dude keeps rolling up on unsuspecting old people with that ridiculous outfit on and does that stupid dance in front of them. It gives my inner child a tickle.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Dicks!


Is Dicks Sporting Goods a national chain, or are we just the super lucky ones who get to have them here around these parts?

Either way, I need to relay my experience there yesterday with their frighteningly intelligent staff.  They were super helpful, and very knowledgeable. 

That was sarcasm, by the way.  In reality, I’m not sure how these mental giants manage to wipe their ass without government assistance.

Anyway, I went to Dicks yesterday to pick up a new pair of sneakers.  I found a pair that I liked, and in a size that felt comfortable.  They came in a white pair, or a black pair.  Because I am dark and mysterious, I wanted the black pair, but I only saw a pair in my size in white, so I made the Herculean mistake of deciding to ask the saleswoman for help, where the following conversation took place:


Stud:  Hi, do you have this sneaker in black, size 8 ½ 4E wide?

Dunce: Is it on the display?

Stud:  Nope, I checked.

Dunce:  Ok, let me check the computer.

(5 minutes pass)

Dunce:  I can’t log in.  My ID doesn’t work.  Let me get someone to log in for me.

(Dunce # 2 passes by)
Dunce:  Hey, dunce # 2!  Can you log into the system for me?

Dunce # 2:  Screw you!  (walks away)

Dunce:  Well, I can’t seem to get into the computer right now.

Stud:  Yeah, I can see that.

Dunce:  Would you like me to call another store and see if they have what you’re looking for?

Stud:  Sure.

Dunce: (After making the call).  Hi, this is Dunce from Store 123.  We have a customer here looking for…..

Dunce:  What are you looking for again?

Stud:  This sneaker, in this size, but in black.

Dunce:  What’s the size?

Stud:  8 ½, 4E width.

Dunce: (over the phone) He wants a size 4.

Stud:  NO, I want a size 8 ½.

Dunce:  Ok, he wants an 8 ½.

Stud:  But it has got to be 4E width.

Dunce:  Sorry, he wants a size 4.

Stud:  NO!  I want an 8 ½.

Dunce:  (Covering the mouthpiece)  Which size do you want?

Stud:  I want size 8 ½ but I need the 4E width.  They are 2 separate things.  Don’t you know how the sizes work on your own shoes?

Dunce:  (ignoring my biting retort, speaking back to the other idiot on the phone)  Ok, he needs the shoe in size 8 ½, but the 4E width….

Stud:  Thank the Lord!  Yes, that’s what I want.

Dunce:  (Hanging up the phone).  Ok, good news.  They are holding the shoe for you at customer service.

Stud:  Awesome!

Dunce:  Size 8 1/2 , width 4E, in white.

Stud:  Wait, what?

Dunce:  That’s what you wanted, right?  Size 8 1/2 , width 4E.

Stud:  Yeah, but what color did you just say?

Dunce:  White.

Stud:  White?  Are you kidding me?

Dunce:  No, what’s the problem?

Stud:  White.  You have them holding for me a WHITE size 8 ½, width 4E?

Dunce:  Yeah, so?

Stud:  You mean, you got them to hold for me THE SAME FUCKING SHOE THAT I AM HOLDING IN MY HAND RIGHT NOW?   THIS WHOLE PHONE CALL WAS BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING FOR THEM IN BLACK, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

Dunce:  Oh, shit.  Sorry.  Want me to call them back?

Stud:  ……….

Dunce:  Sir?

Stud:  Fuck it, just give me the white ones.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Infidelity

I have a confession to make that might make you all think lesser of me.

I had an affair this week.

It was just one time, mind you.  That's certainly no big deal in the grand scheme of the world, right?

I mean, what two consenting adults choose to do with each other shouldn't be the end of the world.

I refuse to beat myself up about it.  It happened, and that's that.

The thing is, i think i want to do it again.

I thought that the experience was mind-blowing, and i don't want it to end with just this one time.

Plus, she was much cheaper than the girl i usually use to get blown.

Wait a minute.... did you guys think i was talking about having sex?

You filthy, filthy animals, you!  Get your damn minds out of the gutter!  Don't you realize that this is an upscale blog?  I don't talk smut talk here!

No, you can go to OTHER blogs for that kind of potty talk.  Around THESE parts, the discussions pertain to topics ABOVE the bathing suit area, thank you very much!

So, no.  I don't want to cheat on the ol' Ball and Chain......

... i want to cheat on my hairdresser.

You see, I've been getting my hair cut by the same girl for about 20 years now.  I met her back when we were both young, single, and stupid.  At least I was stupid.  I'm pretty sure she was always smarter than me.  And I'm also pretty sure that I'm still stupid.

Getting off track here .............

Like I said, I've been going to this chick to get my hair cut for a damn long time now.  Even when she has moved to different shops, which she has done about 8 times over the years, I've followed her along like a obedient soldier to her new digs.

And we've become friendly over the years.  We've seen each other grow up, get married, have kids, etc.

And i like the way she cuts my hair.  I always have.

But for the last few months, she's been having some health issues, and she has barely been working.  Almost every time i try to make an appointment with her, she has to cancel at the last minute because she's not feeling well.

Anyway, i hadn't gotten a haircut in a few months, mostly because every time i tried to make an appointment she would cancel it.  But my hair was out of control, so i finally had to do something about it.

So, this week, when she AGAIN canceled on me, i asked if anyone else was available.

And that's how i met Christine.

Christine was very nice.  Very friendly.

She also had nice legs, but that's not at ALL relevant.  Fuck it, of course its relevant.

Anyway, she could have had SIX legs for all i care, because she gave me a kick-ass haircut.

So, my question to you is, should i dump my current girl and hook up with my new booty-call hair-cutter?

Or, should i be a doting and loyal man and stick with my current girl?

And yes, i do fully realize that none of this really matters.  I mean, c'mon, it's ME we're talking about here!  Even if fucking Stevie Wonder cut my hair, I'd still come out looking like the hottest piece of ass on the planet.  You just can't fuck with divine perfection.

It's like saying that the Mona Lisa looks like shit now because someone changed the style of nail that they used to hang it on the wall.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The Mark Of The Beast


I recently surpassed my 666th blog post.

That pretty much blows my mind.  Which admittedly isn’t particularly hard to do….. Everyone knows that I’m all looks, and little brains.

Nonetheless, I really can’t believe that I have regurgitated THAT many stories and recollections on these humble pages over the years.    Speaking of which, I ALSO can’t believe that I have been doing this for over 7 years now.

7 years!  Damn.  Besides ‘breathing’, I don’t think there is ANYTHING that I’ve stuck with consistently for 7 years, besides this blog.  And while we’re talking about breathing, I’m getting kinda sick of that, too.  Once I figure out how I can stop doing that without doing that whole ‘dying’ thing, I’m gonna quit THAT cold turkey, too!

Anyway, when I look back on this blog over the years, I can’t help but be very thankful for it.  Besides being the best outlet I have ever found to explain to large numbers of people how gorgeous I am, it has been an unexpected place where I have made some good friends, most of whom I have never, and will never, meet.

A lot of people will tell you that the blogosphere is dying, and in a way, that certainly sometimes seems true.  There isn’t a blog owner among us that won’t tell you that their visitors and commenters have gone down significantly over the last few years.  That’s certainly the case here.

But, for the most part, I still get what I need out of this blog.  While it’s true that I don’t post here as often as I used to, or see many of my old familiar faces leave a witty comment, I still regard this site as a place where I can relay big events in my life, vent, and remind everyone that I have a huge wee-wee.

So yea, I don’t see myself stopping anytime soon.  And that’s a good thing for YOU guys, because I am fucking HILARIOUS.

Thursday, September 06, 2012

I Don't Want To Work

I just want to bang on my drum all day.

I've been thinking a lot recently about work, and employment.

More specifically, I've been thinking about how much time i spend at my job, when i'd much rather be doing something else instead.

I know, i know, who DOESN'T think like that?

But i never really felt very strongly about it, until fairly recently.

I've never been the kind of person who's job had to define their life and who they are. 

Honestly, my job is a means to an end.  I work, so i can buy nice stuff.  Then, when I'm NOT working, i can PLAY with that stuff.  To me, my job has always been a necessary evil for me to get what i want.

I have often wondered, however, if my outlook on my job is ever going to change.  I wonder if, as i get older and crankier, if one day i will look back at my career and think, "What the hell did i just waste 50 years of my life doing?"

It's not too hard to think of your job in a different light. 

Have you ever REALLY thought about the concept of 'employment'?

Basically, you agree to give some faceless conglomerate one third of your life, and they'll give you money for it.  Think about that for a sec..... ONE-THIRD OF YOUR LIFE!  And THAT'S only if you have a standard 9-5 job!

Is ANY amount of money worth that?  I guess it is, since i like to eat and stuff, and money kinda helps make that happen.....

... but i can't help but wonder if I'm going about this all wrong. 

I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, there is a calling out there for me where getting up every day and going to my job doesn't FEEL like a job.  A vocation that doesn't make me feel like I'm just putting in my time until i can go somewhere else to enjoy myself.

Something that i was BORN to do.  Something that would feel fulfilling while bringing countless joy and pleasure to people.....

Maybe Magic Mike needs a partner?

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Hot For Teacher


Well, it's that time of year again.

It's Back To School time!

Don't you just remember how sucky the first day of school was when you were a kid?  Damn, it felt like your life was ending.  And it was DOUBLY bad for me.  My birthday is on September 2nd.  Do you know how crappy it was to have my birthday every year fall on the last day of Summer vacation?  It blew chunks.  Every year, i couldnt look forward to my damn birthday.  My present every year was to get to watch the fucking Jerry Lewis telethon!

Ok, enough about my pained childhood.  This is a post about how, for a kid, the end of Summer is the absolute worst thing in the world.

So, bearing that in mind, i always try to make Mini-Me's last few days of Summer as a free man as enjoyable as possible.  We spent the weekend in the pool and playing whatever games he wanted.  Board games, video games, lighting homeless people on fire.....whatever he wanted.  I think we gave the Summer a great send-off.

Actually, i think my little man is going to have a good year.  We got a letter over the weekend telling us who his teacher is going to be, and he leaped over the moon when he found out that he did NOT get the mean teacher from Hell he was fearing he would get.

No, actually he got a brand new teacher this year.  She actually sent us a letter over the weekend introducing herself, and MY GOD.....she's a hot number!  If i was a red-blooded American boy in her class, i don't think i could concentrate on my multiplication tables.

But no, i never got teachers who looked like this.  My teachers looked like someone penciled a sad face on a rotten watermelon.

Any way, speaking of hot teachers, can you believe that Van Halen's "Hot For Teacher" is almost 30 years old? 

I can't believe that I've been masturbating to that chick for 3 decades......