I have a big problem.
And before you say, “Of course you do. It must be a huge burden on you to find underwear big enough to contain your massive weenie”, let me stop you right there.
While it is true that finding clothing that’s durable enough to house my monstrous wee-wee is a constant challenge for me, that is NOT what I wanted to talk about today.
No, my issue is that I am ridiculously impulsive.
Really, REALLY impulsive.
And while some might think it fun and refreshing to tip toe through life without giving much thought to some of the curves that life throws at you, it can really lead to some stupid decisions sometimes.
I’m not sure why I am like this. Most times, if I have an important decision to make, it just seems that the weight of it all, and the work it would take to come to an informed decision, is too much to bear, so I just throw it all to the wind and say “fuck it…. let’s go with Option A”.
And I’m either REALLY good at making snap decisions, or I’m REALLY lucky. Since the number of things I’m glad that I’ve done on pure impulse pretty heavily outweighs the things I’ve regretted…..
…. Except of course for the time I banged that stewardess that I had just met. THAT ended badly. I don’t know what came over me. I just saw that cute, tight little outfit and I knew exactly what I wanted.
What was his name again? Glen something…… Oh well…. Nevermind. It’s not important now.
Anyway, while I try to give myself SOME restraint when it comes to being impulsive about life decisions, I am totally apeshit crazy when it comes to making impulsive purchases.
It’s really bad. I NEVER do any real research before I buy something. I just see something that I like, and then I run out like a 4 year old to the store, screaming “I WANT! GIMME DAT!” until some happy clerk puts it in my hands. Time after time, I buy shit without the slightest bit of thought.
I never really realized how bad I was with impulsive buying, until I took a good look at myself after I bought my last car.
All I knew is that I wanted a convertible. I took a Sunday drive to a local car dealer, and saw one that I liked. But the car was in red, and I knew that I wanted it in black. When I spoke with the salesman, he told me that he had one in black in one of his other dealerships.
My only “normal” decision after that was to ask him what color the interior was on the black car. He told me it was beige.
Then I told him that “I’ll take it.”
After the salesman picked his jaw off the floor, he asked me if I wanted to drive out to the other lot to check the car out. I said no. He then asked me if I wanted to at least test drive the red one he had there, and I again said no thanks. Then I walked in to sign the paperwork. The next day they had the car driven out to me, where I just hopped in, took the top down, and drove off.
It’s not lost on me that THAT IS FUCKING WEIRD. It’s just that I don’t like being bogged down with little things like DETAILS or REALITY if it could possibly stand between me and something I want.
Maybe it comes from me being and only child? Then again, I know plenty of other only-children who aren’t bat shit crazy, so maybe I was just dropped on my head or something……
No THAT can’t be it. If I had been dropped on my head, I’d have some kind of residual mark or scar.
And my face is fucking flawless……..