Friday, October 26, 2012

Chazz Palminteri Was Right

Like most Americans, I learn all my life lessons through movies.

And I don’t think there have been many movies that have taught me more things than A Bronx Tale.
You’ve all seen this fine film, haven’t you?  Of course you have.  If not, go rent it now.  Go ahead… I’ll wait.

All done?  Splendid.

A Bronx Tale tells the story of a young man growing up in New York in the 60’s, and how his life and morals are shaped by the teachings of his father, and a local mafia boss who takes him under his wing.

I fucking LOVE this movie.  It’s just so rich with talent, and Chazz Palminteri steals the show as mafia boss/surrogate father Sonny LoSpecchio.

One of the reasons this movie is such a gem for me is because of all the great pearls of wisdom Sonny imparts to young teen Calogero during the course of the film.  He teaches him life lessons about all manner of things…. First loves, vengeance, redemption.

He also teaches us about the costs of losing unworthy people in your life.

In one scene, Sonny glimpses young Calogero chasing down some loser in the street.  When asked why he was doing so, Calogero angrily says that the guy owes him $20 and the kid has been ducking him to avoid paying up.  Sonny looks at Calogero and tells him to let the guy go.  For the cheap cost of $20, Calagero has learned that the other kid is untrustworthy, and not a good friend.  For 20 dollars, he has essentially bought that person off and ensured himself that the kid will never bother him or ask him for money again.  Calogero begins to see the situation in a different light and agrees that he just cut an unwanted person from his life for the low cost of 20 bucks.

I’m always reminded of that scene whenever I lend a friend some money.

In May, I went to Jamaica and a co-worker here, who was born in Jamaica, asked me to pick him up an expensive bottle of rum that you can only get there.

I did as he asked, and when I returned I gave him the bottle and told him how much I paid for it.  He thanked me and told me that he would pay me back at the end of the week, after pay day.

Two weeks went by and I never got a cent.  Every time he passed me in the halls, he again apologized and said he would be paying me soon.

After a month, he stopped me in the cafeteria and handed me some money.  It was half of what the bottle cost me.  He told me that he would get me the other half at the end of the week……

…. That was in July.  I still have received jack shit.

And as much as that might typically make my Sicilian blood boil, whenever I see him now and notice how he quickly turns the corner to avoid meeting my eyes, I am always pleasantly reminded of A Bronx Tale and that, for a relatively cheap cost, this fuckwad has been excised from my life.

I STILL want to donkey-punch him in the nuts, though……

Friday, October 19, 2012

On Being Impulsive

I have a big problem.

And before you say, “Of course you do.  It must be a huge burden on you to find underwear big enough to contain your massive weenie”, let me stop you right there.

While it is true that finding clothing that’s durable enough to house my monstrous wee-wee is a constant challenge for me, that is NOT what I wanted to talk about today.

No, my issue is that I am ridiculously impulsive.

Really, REALLY impulsive. 

And while some might think it fun and refreshing to tip toe through life without giving much thought to some of the curves that life throws at you, it can really lead to some stupid decisions sometimes.

I’m not sure why I am like this.  Most times, if I have an important decision to make, it just seems that the weight of it all, and the work it would take to come to an informed decision, is too much to bear, so I just throw it all to the wind and say “fuck it…. let’s go with Option A”.

And I’m either REALLY good at making snap decisions, or I’m REALLY lucky.  Since the number of things I’m glad that I’ve done on pure impulse pretty heavily outweighs the things I’ve regretted…..

…. Except of course for the time I banged that stewardess that I had just met.  THAT ended badly.  I don’t know what came over me.  I just saw that cute, tight little outfit and I knew exactly what I wanted.

What was his name again?  Glen something…… Oh well…. Nevermind.  It’s not important now.

Anyway, while I try to give myself SOME restraint when it comes to being impulsive about life decisions, I am totally apeshit crazy when it comes to making impulsive purchases.

It’s really bad.  I NEVER do any real research before I buy something.  I just see something that I like, and then I run out like a 4 year old to the store, screaming “I WANT!  GIMME DAT!” until some happy clerk puts it in my hands.  Time after time, I buy shit without the slightest bit of thought.

I never really realized how bad I was with impulsive buying, until I took a good look at myself after I bought my last car.

All I knew is that I wanted a convertible.  I took a Sunday drive to a local car dealer, and saw one that I liked.  But the car was in red, and I knew that I wanted it in black.  When I spoke with the salesman, he told me that he had one in black in one of his other dealerships.

My only “normal” decision after that was to ask him what color the interior was on the black car.  He told me it was beige.

Then I told him that “I’ll take it.”

After the salesman picked his jaw off the floor, he asked me if I wanted to drive out to the other lot to check the car out.  I said no.  He then asked me if I wanted to at least test drive the red one he had there, and I again said no thanks.  Then I walked in to sign the paperwork.  The next day they had the car driven out to me, where I just hopped in, took the top down,  and drove off.

It’s not lost on me that THAT IS FUCKING WEIRD.  It’s just that I don’t like being bogged down with little things like DETAILS or REALITY if it could possibly stand between me and something I want.

Maybe it comes from me being and only child?  Then again, I know plenty of other only-children who aren’t bat shit crazy, so maybe I was just dropped on my head or something……

No THAT can’t be it.  If I had been dropped on my head, I’d have some kind of residual mark or scar. 

And my face is fucking flawless……..

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Worst. Endorsement. Ever.

No, this is NOT a post about Jamie Lee Curtis hawking some crappy yogurt that makes you poo-poo all over yourself (although that, in itself, is pretty fucking funny, too).

Maybe this post isn't so much about a bad endorsement, as it is about bad product placement.

Scratch that.  Not "bad" product placement.  Make that "The worst product placement ever!"

You be the judge.

For most olympiads, getting a company to sponser them is a HUGE boon.  It gives them  money to train and live, and the sponsor gains valuable exposure.

"But in the case of British Gas' sponsorship of bronze medal-winning UK diver Tom Daley, the company could have benefited from checking out their company's placement on his swimsuit."

Gee, ya think?

Check it out for yourself......

 Is that not just AWESOME!

The young Ad Man who came up with plastering an advertisement for GAS on a person's ANUS has been fired, right?  That would at least reaffirm my faith that the world still spins on its axis...........

Friday, October 12, 2012

Blinded By The Light

I was just driving in the car, picking out my soon-to-be award-winning pumpkin that i'll be carving this year for Mini-Me, when the old Manfred Mann song, "Blinded by the light" came on the radio.

I don't hate the song, but i don't really like it either. But Like it or hate it, i can't help but think of the sketch below, from The Vacant Lot any time i hear it on the radio.

If you don't recognize the Vacant Lot, don't worry. Pretty much nobody does, either. They were a comedy troupe that used to write for the Always-Awesome Kids in The Hall and ended up getting their own show for just one season back in the early nineties.

I never found them particularly funny, but i always will remember them for this bit.

Apologies for the shitty quality, but that's the best you can get when you try to find a clip from a 6 episode show that no one watched 20 years ago.

Yes, I know i posted this once some years ago. If you've been around here that long to remember, then you have no life, do you?

As for the banner picture, it was the first image that popped up when i searched for Manfred Mann. I was too scared to investigate why that might be.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

I'm All Wet

It’s not easy being THIS good looking AND always being right.

But, such is the cross that I have to bear.  Sometimes, it starts to get to me.

Like this past weekend.

On Sunday afternoon, Friz asked me to do the dishes.  Like any good metro-sexual dude, I was happy to comply.

The problem with Friz is that she is a complete control freak, and no sooner does she ask me to do something, than she feels the urge to stick her nose in it and show me how I’m doing it wrong.

This time was no different.

Every few minutes, she felt the need to scootch next to me and “re-wash” something that I apparently wasn’t smart enough to wash correctly myself.  The first few times, I took it with a grain of salt.  After all, I KNEW long ago that I married a perfectionist….. she married ME, didn’t she?

Anyway, her constant intrusions got more and more annoying until, during one of her re-washings, she accidently splashed water all over my shirt.

“Hey!”, I smartly said.

“Oh.  Sorry”.  Then she turned her back on me like she was the exact OPPOSITE of sorry.

So I said to her, “Not for anything, but if it was ME who accidentally got YOU wet, I wouldn’t hear the end of it.”
“That’s not true.  I could care less if you splashed me or not.”

“Bullshit.  That is SO not true.  You would wig out like a little girl and stop talking to me.”

“It’s NOT bullshit.  It’s only water.  I could care less if it had happened to me.  Stop being a baby.”

The thing is, I KNEW she was full of it.  This was coming from someone who uses an umbrella even if it just MIGHT rain soon, in the fear that if she doesn’t, her hair might get a speckle of water on it when she wasn’t completely ready for it.

So, knowing her like only I do, I did the only thing I could to win the argument.

I put my fingers under the running faucet, and then I ‘flicked’ her.

I think it would be a generous assessment if FIVE drops of water ended up getting on her.


I then proceeded to get called every damn name in the book.  Apparently I am an asshole.  I am also immature, and a shithead.  Some of the things she called me, I hadn’t even ever heard before.  Can anyone loan me a thesaurus?

All I know is that I won the argument.  If SHE had gotten doused, she WOULD  get fucking pissed.

She didn’t talk to me all day.

It was a nice change of pace……..

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Movie 43 Is My Kinda Film

Has anyone else heard about this new movie Movie 43?

Its apparently 25 interconnecting, but separate films, and holy shit it looks like all of Hollywood has been crammed in there somewhere. Check out just a SMIDGE of the names that appear:

Hugh Jackman
Emma Stone
Naomi Watts
Gerard Butler
Kristen Bell
Anna Faris
Kate Winslet
Richard Gere
Uma Thurman
Seann William Scott
Justin Long
Patrick Warburton
Josh Duhamel
Liev Schreiber
Kate Bosworth
Jason Sudeikis
Johnny Knoxville
Tony Shalhoub
Kieran Culkin
Stephen Merchant
Chloë Grace Moretz

How crazy is that cast?

Although its not slated to hit the theaters until 2013, i can tell you that the trailer is already better than anything Adam Sandler has ever done.

Check it out. Be warned, this is the official Red Band trailer so its chock full of inappropriate languages, and just a hint of boobies.....

Just like my last trip to Home Depot.....


Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Slyde’s Pet Peeve # 11 – Facebook And Politics

It’s been a few months since I’ve vented to you all about one of my pet peeves. 

This one has been really bothering me for a while, but with the presidential election looming, the number of times per day that this wrong is being perpetrated upon me is really going into hyperdrive……

Why, for the love of all things Holy, do people feel the need to continually post political rants on their Facebook statuses?

I mean, C’mon guys….. The only reasons I log on to Facebook are to read about how proud you are that your son just won the Junior-Lumberjack competition, or to catch up with the latest 200 photos of your new fern.  I also enjoy checking up on what level you have achieved growing turnips in Farmville. 

Also, it’s nice to occasionally check out all the girls that turned me down in high school so I can see how fat and ugly they’ve become…..

You know….. FUN stuff.

But when I log in to Facebook lately, I am fucking ASSAULTED with post after post of Democrat or Republican bashing.  Enough is enough, people!  I understand that your every waking moment is either consumed by the fact that Obama is a Muslim terrorist who wants to institute public Death Panels, or that Romney is nothing more than Boss Hogg without the cool white suit, but I really don’t give a shit what you think.

I have my OWN political views, thank you very much.  And you all know what they are.  Wait, you DON’T know what my views on politics are?  Oh, that’s right… of COURSE you don’t know what they are.  Wanna know why?  It’s because I KEEP MY FUCKING OPINIONS TO MYSELF unless someone asks me for them.  And even then, I’m not a complete asshat about it. 

I have my thoughts on the state of our country…. You probably do, too.  And hey…. Our opinions might be different.  But to constantly spew all this divisive horseshit all over the interwebs at every opportunity is really fucking tiring.

And what really irritates me is the knowledge that, for the next 2 months, it’s just gonna get worse.

C’mon, people… don’t you all have virtual radishes that need fertilizing, or something?  Isn’t there a Bejeweled board that needs your attention?

My Goodness, no one has POKED me in months now……………….

Also, no one has brought up my profile on Facebook and clicked the “Poke” button for me, either….