Wednesday, September 19, 2012


Is Dicks Sporting Goods a national chain, or are we just the super lucky ones who get to have them here around these parts?

Either way, I need to relay my experience there yesterday with their frighteningly intelligent staff.  They were super helpful, and very knowledgeable. 

That was sarcasm, by the way.  In reality, I’m not sure how these mental giants manage to wipe their ass without government assistance.

Anyway, I went to Dicks yesterday to pick up a new pair of sneakers.  I found a pair that I liked, and in a size that felt comfortable.  They came in a white pair, or a black pair.  Because I am dark and mysterious, I wanted the black pair, but I only saw a pair in my size in white, so I made the Herculean mistake of deciding to ask the saleswoman for help, where the following conversation took place:

Stud:  Hi, do you have this sneaker in black, size 8 ½ 4E wide?

Dunce: Is it on the display?

Stud:  Nope, I checked.

Dunce:  Ok, let me check the computer.

(5 minutes pass)

Dunce:  I can’t log in.  My ID doesn’t work.  Let me get someone to log in for me.

(Dunce # 2 passes by)
Dunce:  Hey, dunce # 2!  Can you log into the system for me?

Dunce # 2:  Screw you!  (walks away)

Dunce:  Well, I can’t seem to get into the computer right now.

Stud:  Yeah, I can see that.

Dunce:  Would you like me to call another store and see if they have what you’re looking for?

Stud:  Sure.

Dunce: (After making the call).  Hi, this is Dunce from Store 123.  We have a customer here looking for…..

Dunce:  What are you looking for again?

Stud:  This sneaker, in this size, but in black.

Dunce:  What’s the size?

Stud:  8 ½, 4E width.

Dunce: (over the phone) He wants a size 4.

Stud:  NO, I want a size 8 ½.

Dunce:  Ok, he wants an 8 ½.

Stud:  But it has got to be 4E width.

Dunce:  Sorry, he wants a size 4.

Stud:  NO!  I want an 8 ½.

Dunce:  (Covering the mouthpiece)  Which size do you want?

Stud:  I want size 8 ½ but I need the 4E width.  They are 2 separate things.  Don’t you know how the sizes work on your own shoes?

Dunce:  (ignoring my biting retort, speaking back to the other idiot on the phone)  Ok, he needs the shoe in size 8 ½, but the 4E width….

Stud:  Thank the Lord!  Yes, that’s what I want.

Dunce:  (Hanging up the phone).  Ok, good news.  They are holding the shoe for you at customer service.

Stud:  Awesome!

Dunce:  Size 8 1/2 , width 4E, in white.

Stud:  Wait, what?

Dunce:  That’s what you wanted, right?  Size 8 1/2 , width 4E.

Stud:  Yeah, but what color did you just say?

Dunce:  White.

Stud:  White?  Are you kidding me?

Dunce:  No, what’s the problem?

Stud:  White.  You have them holding for me a WHITE size 8 ½, width 4E?

Dunce:  Yeah, so?


Dunce:  Oh, shit.  Sorry.  Want me to call them back?

Stud:  ……….

Dunce:  Sir?

Stud:  Fuck it, just give me the white ones.


Verdant Earl said...

8 1/2? You know what they say about fellas with small feet, ladies? That's right...small shoes.

Choleesa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Choleesa said...

We have Dicks. It was formerly Chicks....

Went from Chicks to Dicks....sounds like someone was confused.

Slyde said...

earl: small, but very wide. That tells you everything you need to know.

Chol: Now youre just fucking with me... is there really a store named Chicks?

MarkD60 said...

This is why God gave us nuclear weapons.

Anonymous said...

You do know if you had gone black, you would never have gone back. Ask Cho up there. We have Dick's here if you are looking for one.

Heff said...

Damnit ! Travis STOLE MY LINE !

And YES, we have Dick's as well. Down here we have PLENTY of black ones, too.

Slyde said...

mark: agreed.

bama: i dont think i'll ever be looking for dicks again. (that will never be NOT funny...)

heff: i'll take your word for that...

Dr Zibbs said...

HAHA!!! I love this!

And did you really say "fuck?" I think you might be making that part up;

AND FOR THE LADIES: Just so you know, I take a size 13.

2abes said...

take the white ones and get some shoe polish....try not to get it all over your hands, i hear it has a distinct odor

Heff said...

Dr. Zibbs might TAKE a size 13, but what's his shoe size ?

meleah rebeccah said...

OMG. I have never had a good experience shopping at Dicks either. I think it's a requirement to hire MORONS.

Slyde said...

zibbs: if i didnt SAY it, i definitely THOUGHT it...

abes:... and odor!

heff: awww, ZIBS just got smoked, and he'll probably never come back here to see it....

meleah: see, and i've spent the past 2 years of my life fantasizing about how much you LOVED dicks....

Jill said...

I don't even have to read this one. I can just tell by clicking & seeing the picture - it's been *way* too long since I've been by. :-)

Yvonne said...

See, those are the people that continuously make me want to hurt them! I am amazed you didn't go off on him/her/it, I would have. Ugh! And no, we don't have Dick's in Houston. -just assholes. ahahaha, see what I did there? You're welcome. :)

Choleesa said...

Slyde: I swear to the Buddha that it was called Chicks....then they changed the name to Dicks.....

I laughed for a while at that....
but I do prefer shopping Dicks than I did Chicks....