Dicks!

Is Dicks Sporting Goods a national chain, or are we just the super lucky ones who get to have them here around these parts?

Either way, I need to relay my experience there yesterday with their frighteningly intelligent staff.  They were super helpful, and very knowledgeable. 

That was sarcasm, by the way.  In reality, I’m not sure how these mental giants manage to wipe their ass without government assistance.

Anyway, I went to Dicks yesterday to pick up a new pair of sneakers.  I found a pair that I liked, and in a size that felt comfortable.  They came in a white pair, or a black pair.  Because I am dark and mysterious, I wanted the black pair, but I only saw a pair in my size in white, so I made the Herculean mistake of deciding to ask the saleswoman for help, where the following conversation took place:

Stud:  Hi, do you have this sneaker in black, size 8 ½ 4E wide?

Dunce: Is it on the display?

Stud:  Nope, I checked.

Dunce:  Ok, let me check the computer.

(5 minutes pass)

Dunce:  I can’t log in.  My ID doesn’t work.  Let me get someone to log in for me.

(Dunce # 2 passes by)

Dunce:  Hey, dunce # 2!  Can you log into the system for me?

Dunce # 2:  Screw you!  (walks away)

Dunce:  Well, I can’t seem to get into the computer right now.

Stud:  Yeah, I can see that.

Dunce:  Would you like me to call another store and see if they have what you’re looking for?

Stud:  Sure.

Dunce: (After making the call).  Hi, this is Dunce from Store 123.  We have a customer here looking for…..

Dunce:  What are you looking for again?

Stud:  This sneaker, in this size, but in black.

Dunce:  What’s the size?

Stud:  8 ½, 4E width.

Dunce: (over the phone) He wants a size 4.

Stud:  NO, I want a size 8 ½.

Dunce:  Ok, he wants an 8 ½.

Stud:  But it has got to be 4E width.

Dunce:  Sorry, he wants a size 4.

Stud:  NO!  I want an 8 ½.

Dunce:  (Covering the mouthpiece)  Which size do you want?

Stud:  I want size 8 ½ but I need the 4E width.  They are 2 separate things.  Don’t you know how the sizes work on your own shoes?

Dunce:  (ignoring my biting retort, speaking back to the other idiot on the phone)  Ok, he needs the shoe in size 8 ½, but the 4E width….

Stud:  Thank the Lord!  Yes, that’s what I want.

Dunce:  (Hanging up the phone).  Ok, good news.  They are holding the shoe for you at customer service.

Stud:  Awesome!

Dunce:  Size 8 1/2 , width 4E, in white.

Stud:  Wait, what?

Dunce:  That’s what you wanted, right?  Size 8 1/2 , width 4E.

Stud:  Yeah, but what color did you just say?

Dunce:  White.

Stud:  White?  Are you kidding me?

Dunce:  No, what’s the problem?

Stud:  White.  You have them holding for me a WHITE size 8 ½, width 4E?

Dunce:  Yeah, so?

Stud:  You mean, you got them to hold for me THE SAME FUCKING SHOE THAT I AM HOLDING IN MY HAND RIGHT NOW?   THIS WHOLE PHONE CALL WAS BECAUSE I WAS LOOKING FOR THEM IN BLACK, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

Dunce:  Oh, shit.  Sorry.  Want me to call them back?

Stud:  ……….

Dunce:  Sir?

Stud:  Fuck it, just give me the white ones.