Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I've Fallen, And I Can't Get Up!

C'mon, you remember that cheesy Medic Alert commercial from the 80's or early 90's, right?   The one with the old battleaxe screaming that she took a tumble and hurt herself?

Sure, you do. Surely, i can't be the only one.

I'm not THAT old!

Here it is, for you youngsters. That old bag, and the geezer screaming that he's having "Chest Pains!" used to crack me and my friends up.



Anyway, to get back on track.......

AM I THAT old?

Next week Is my birthday, and my friends, i am falling apart.

Let's see if i can describe all the ways that my body is failing me lately....

- Last year i tore my rotator cuff, and although its pretty much healed now, I STILL dont have the mobility in my right arm that i used to have.

- I play on a beach volleyball league every summer. I do it mostly as a public service for all the ladies out there. But this year, i took a line drive that bent my right hand back, and the fucker hurts like the dickens.

- For absolutely NO fucking reason, a few weeks ago my hip started to hurt. I mean REALLY FUCKING HURT! Some days, it hurts so bad that i walk with a limp. And any day after i jog a few miles? Fuggetaboutit! I feel like i'm 90 fucking years old...

The weird thing is, right now i am probably in the best shape of my life. I look really good! Seriously. Take it from me... i've seen me naked!

I know that people say that it's all downhill after 40, but does the incline have to be SO damn steep?

I've written before about how i have this intense phobia about getting older. It hasnt gone away. And every time i get another phantom pain like this, it just makes my fears go into hyperdrive. I just don't like where my body is headed lately.

It takes me so long to recover from any injury that they keep stacking up like dirty dishes in the sink.

And i don't think the guy who washes those dishes is going to get to them anytime soon.

No siree, those dishes are just going to keep piling up, and up, and up.

Hmmmm, maybe i'll just buy a dishwasher?

I should go to Sears and check some prices......

But then i'd have to go and hire a handyman, because i'm no good with plumbing shit.

Maybe i could just hire one of those Mexicans who stand outside of Home Depot?  I could probably get one pretty cheap.....

Wait, i think i've gotten lost somewhere in this analogy.....

What was I talking about again?

11 comments:

2abes said...

you must have one of the fun house mirrors....

Heff said...

It's TRUE.

Ms. Fletcher couldn't handle my cock.

BamaTrav said...

If you have fallen and can't get UP, there is allllll sorts of shit to take for that.

B.E. Earl said...

Some people age like a fine wine, cheese or steak.

Some people spoil like a bunch of apples left on the kitchen counter for too long.

It's all in your mind. Don't be a bad apple.

Slyde said...

abes: thats not funny.

heff: i couldnt, either..

bama: i might have to look into that...

earl: im trying, dude. its an uphill fight.

sybil law said...

You can't get it up? What?!

sybil law said...

P. S. I LOVE that I don't have to do captchas to comment here! Good on ya, Slyde!!

Yvonne said...

Ugh. I feel your pain. My birfday is coming up in October and I'm totally in denial. But my body keeps reminding me I'm for real yo. Stupid age!

Yvonne said...

Oh and I remember that dumb commercial! It worked my last nerve! :)

Candy's daily Dandy said...

its called a bad case of the O L D S.

Welcome to the club.

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