Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I've Fallen, And I Can't Get Up!

C'mon, you remember that cheesy Medic Alert commercial from the 80's or early 90's, right?   The one with the old battleaxe screaming that she took a tumble and hurt herself?

Sure, you do. Surely, i can't be the only one.

I'm not THAT old!

Here it is, for you youngsters. That old bag, and the geezer screaming that he's having "Chest Pains!" used to crack me and my friends up.

Anyway, to get back on track.......

AM I THAT old?

Next week Is my birthday, and my friends, i am falling apart.

Let's see if i can describe all the ways that my body is failing me lately....

- Last year i tore my rotator cuff, and although its pretty much healed now, I STILL dont have the mobility in my right arm that i used to have.

- I play on a beach volleyball league every summer. I do it mostly as a public service for all the ladies out there. But this year, i took a line drive that bent my right hand back, and the fucker hurts like the dickens.

- For absolutely NO fucking reason, a few weeks ago my hip started to hurt. I mean REALLY FUCKING HURT! Some days, it hurts so bad that i walk with a limp. And any day after i jog a few miles? Fuggetaboutit! I feel like i'm 90 fucking years old...

The weird thing is, right now i am probably in the best shape of my life. I look really good! Seriously. Take it from me... i've seen me naked!

I know that people say that it's all downhill after 40, but does the incline have to be SO damn steep?

I've written before about how i have this intense phobia about getting older. It hasnt gone away. And every time i get another phantom pain like this, it just makes my fears go into hyperdrive. I just don't like where my body is headed lately.

It takes me so long to recover from any injury that they keep stacking up like dirty dishes in the sink.

And i don't think the guy who washes those dishes is going to get to them anytime soon.

No siree, those dishes are just going to keep piling up, and up, and up.

Hmmmm, maybe i'll just buy a dishwasher?

I should go to Sears and check some prices......

But then i'd have to go and hire a handyman, because i'm no good with plumbing shit.

Maybe i could just hire one of those Mexicans who stand outside of Home Depot?  I could probably get one pretty cheap.....

Wait, i think i've gotten lost somewhere in this analogy.....

What was I talking about again?

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Papa John's Employees Are Funny...

... and racist!

I know this isnt very new, but i saw this again yesterday and it still gave me a chuckle.

Let me summarize from the article:

"Minhee Cho went to Papa John's for some fast food goodness. Little did she know, she would get it served with a side of racism.

 Papa John's customer Minhee Cho revealed a photo of a receipt she received at a Papa John's restaurant in uptown, New York City.

 In it, under the customer's name section, the restaurant employee who rang up the order used the racial slur "lady chinky eyes" to describe her."

Now of COURSE it's wrong to use racial slurs in ANY context.  Certainly any person who is old enough to work at an establishment like Papa John's should know better.

Personally, i find the use of such language utterly repugnant and shameful.


Ok, do we have all that Political Correctness out of our system? 

We do?

Ok, good.


I'm sorry, but i just cant help tittering and guffawing at that recipt. 

I mean, cmon guys, except for Ms. Cho, who i'm sure is a wonderful gal, that shit is just funny, yo.

And now that i think of it, i believe that this is not an islotated incident.  In fact, i think that I myself have been targetted by similar discrimination.

Last week i went to Hooters and my recipt read "Hot stud who i'm gonna try to bang as soon as he pays the bill"

Monday, August 20, 2012

Do You Like Scary Stories?

Yeah, i most assuredly DO realize that i just mangled the most famous line from the Scream movies, but my post wouldnt make sense if i left it the original way.

Wait, do my posts USUALLY make sense?

Ok, getting off track.....

First off, sorry for the long bout between posts.  I have been away for a bit, tanning my ass in the sunny world of Florida, and catching up with my dad.  I took Mini-Me along, and we had a great time.  It was nice to get away for a bit.

Anyway, about Mini-Me.....

Mini-Me loves me.  Of course he does... what's not to love?  He loves me SO much that, starting about a year ago, he and I starting having sleepovers on friday or saturday nights.  Him and I sleep in the guest bedroom together.  He takes his sleeping blanket and sleeps on the floor, because the first few times we tried sleeping in the same bed together and after somehow getting kicked in the face repeatedly every few hours, i told him it was the floor, or nothing.

It's actually very cute.  Every weekend, we walk to 7-11 together and we get Slurpees.  Then we watch a movie together.  When bed time comes, the aforementioned sleeping blanket comes out and he settles in for the night......

.... but he demands that i tell him a story before we go to bed.

In the beginning, he wanted to hear stories about me when i was a kid.  That went well, but after a few months, i ran out of stories.  At least the ones i could tell him.  There's a whole slew of "18 and over" stories that i'm saving for my memiors.

Anyway, when those stories ran out, he asked me to start making up stories.  I guess because i'm a sick fuck, the stories that i made up quickly devolved into horror stories.  But the funny thing was, he LOVED THEM!  I mean seriously... the more twisted i would make them, the more he enjoyed it.  Sometimes, i'd just tell a version of a popular horror movie, and sometimes the story came completely from my own pretty head, but no matter what, he always wanted more.

The problem started when my pretty head ran out of stories.  Mini-Me still wanted his weekly story, but for some reason he felt cheated when my story devolved into "Well, ..... there was this kid, see, and he had a haunted.... a haunted..... um....... hey, i'm tired... can we just get to sleep, please?"

Anyway, needing to come up with scary shit right quick, i Googled "scary stories" and came up with a site that collects spooky campfire stories.  So far, that has been a big hit, and they've got enough stories to keep me going for a bit.  I simply read to myself one before we go to bed, and then that night when we are all snug in our covers, I've been going all Edgar Allan Poe and shit.  It's been a home run!

But, at the rate i'm going, this website is not going to be able to keep me going forever. 

In short, i am jonesing for a new supplier, man. 

I need it bad.  I'll do anything just for that next fix to get me through another night.

So, can any of you degenerates hook me up so i get my fix?  I'm starting to get the shakes here....

If this were one of my typical posts, this is the part where i'd tell you that i'd suck your dick for another hit, but since i'm talking about my kid here, i'll keep this one clean and wholesome.


Thursday, August 02, 2012


So, the other day I walked in on some chick going to the bathroom.

It was NOT everything I dreamed it would be.

Honestly, I was more pissed off than anything else that this stupid asshat didn’t think to lock the damn door before she decided to drop her bloomers in a house full of people.

But what REALLY baffles me is what she said as I was opening the door on her.

Now, think about yourselves for a minute, and how YOU might handle someone suddenly walking into the bathroom as you were in the middle of doing your business….

I know I don’t speak for EVERYONE, but I would hazard a guess that if I were sitting on the toilet, and someone walked  in on me, I might utter something like one of THESE possible phrases:

“Hey, I’m in here!”

“Close the door!”

“It’s Occupied, fucker!”

“Does anyone else find Dick Cheney Hot?”

Ok, maybe that last one isn’t something I would yell out loud.  I’d probably just keep that one to my private thoughts…..

But, you get the point, right?

If someone was about to walk in on you, you would like to think that it would elicit an APPROPRIATE response.

You wana know what I heard as I opened the bathroom door?

“Hi!  Hi!  Hi!  Hi!”

Seriously, what the fuck is that?

Honestly, as I was opening the door and heard someone saying “HI”, all I did was look around to see who was saying “Hi” to me.  When I didn’t see anyone, I kept on truckin’ into the bathroom…..

…. Where I got QUITE the unexpected eyeful.

Even weirder, when she finally came out of the bathroom, she just walked past me without saying a word.  If it was ME who had just gotten walked in on, I would have at least acknowledged that the other person just saw me naked from the waist-down.  I would probably make an incredibly witty joke about it.  Then, we would all laugh like schoolgirls for hours.  I’m brilliant, as you know.

But how awesome I am is neither here nor there for the purposes of this discussion. 

Next time, just lock the damn bathroom door, or at the very least, prepare yourself with a retort that makes some sense and is applicable to the fucking situation.

Cause next time, I’m continuing on in and just sitting down on her lap…..