Thursday, July 19, 2012

The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia


Why is it that I have yet to meet a woman who can turn off a light when they aren’t using it?

It’s really fucking aggravating.  Fritz will come home from work, and you would certainly not have to be fucking C.S.I. to figure out her exact path through the house. 

No, all you would have to do is start at our front door, and follow the trail of light fixtures that have been turned on.  Oh, and bring your fucking sunglasses because it’s about to get mighty bright up in here!

I mean seriously, I am the furthest thing in the world from a skinflint, but there is just no damn reason to leave every fucking light in the house on.  I swear, I spend half my night shutting off the same hallway light every 20 minutes or so.  When I come home to a house that’s lit up from the outside like a fucking Jack-O-Lantern, I can just imagine my energy dial on the side of the house, happily spinning away like a fucking dreidel.

Once I brought it up to her that she leaves too many damn lights on, and I was treated to an outright fucking denial. 

“Oh please!  You’re exaggerating!   I don’t leave the lights on very often at all.”

This outright REFUSAL to accept the facts pissed me off to the point where now, every time I walk into a room where the lights are on and no one is present, I yell out, “OK, the lights are on in here!  I’m shutting them off now!  This is the third time tonight!”

And on and on and on I go, counting off the number of times I shut the lights off.  I feel like I should be on fucking Sesame Street.

It really is quite selfish of her.  I mean, in the great game of life, she took top honors and won ME, the best prize of all!

The LEAST she could do is be a team player and not make me feel like I am center stage in a Broadway play every time I use the bathroom.

I feel like I should be making fucking Jazz Hands every time I take a leak…..

18 comments:

Choleesa said...

you sound like my husband...
he is constantly bitching about everything with an on switch.
If he had his way, we'd be feeling our way around the house, and reading in Braille.

B.E. Earl said...

I'm the one in my relationship who unintentionally leaves the lights on in the bathroom, etc...

I'm also the one who complains that "someone" left the light on in the kitchen or whatnot.

I have my cake and I eat it too.

Slyde said...

chol: see, thats the thing... i'm FAR from a cheapskate, but blatent disregard for shit really ticks me off.

earl: so, what your saying is that you go both ways?

Heff said...

I feel your pain.

I go through the EXACT SAME scenario.

DAILY.

and I AM THAT cheap....

Slyde said...

see heff, if we were married, we could be in total darkness and be completely happy!

Cocaine Princess said...

*Sigh* I guess that means you and I can never be, Slyde-- I have a habit of leaving the lights on also.

Slyde said...

cocaine: with you, i think i'd LIKE to keep the lights on :)

Bruce Johnson said...

They have medication for this, it is called Prozac. It is a loosing battle trying to reason with a woman.

sybil law said...

GAH.
You crazy, lights -on obsessed MEN.
Try some damn nightlights. Or just STFU.
:)

Yvonne said...

I'm totally the opposite. I am the person that is walking behind you, turning off the lights you leave on. I've gotten bitched for doing so. It was an ex. He told me I was OCD. -ok so maybe I am. But that has nothing to do with him leaving the lights on in an empty room/house.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

We have way too many people living here (with baby we're up to six) to be able to say who left what light on. It used to drive me CRAZY that the oven light and one of the bathroom lights stayed on ALL NIGHT LONG. But with the new baby screaming until hours and hours after my pre-baby bedtime, I sort of appreciate not having to stumble around in the dark.

Paticus said...

Leaving the lights on all the time keeps the monsters out...But then it attracts zombies, so THEN you have to build a GIANT wall around the house...Of course, werewolves LOVE climbing, so the wall attracts them...So, when you hear the werewolves on the wall, you turn the lights out, so they will think you are not home...But then, the monsters show up...Whaddya gonna do?

Slyde said...

bruce: i havent quite learned that, i guess. but i'm getting there.

sybil: oh, i'd HAPPILY settle on some nightlights, but apparently they dont light up enough of the fucking house!

yvonne: now YOU'RE my type of girl. We could live in total darkness and be happy together!

jill: ok, jill.... you have an excuse. But as soon as that baby starts sleeping thru the night.... turn the damn lights off!

pat: Gah! now i'm scared as well as pissed off. thanks!

MarkD60 said...

Yeah. My wife is the same.

Slyde said...

of course mark. they all are ...

Annabelle Archer said...

feck you

i am forever yelling at the housefull of people i am forced to cohabitate with to turn of the muthaeffin lights.

i walk past rooms and turn them off only to be yelled at by the person actually in the room.

i turn off the lights to the stairs even though an old man lives in my basement and keeps nocturnal hours.

i will turn off the kids "safety" bathroom light because i am skin flinty like that.

women dont turn off light.
scoff

REAL women do ; )

Radioactive Tori said...

I am the crazy person in my house turning out all the lights all the time. The only exception is the light outside my bedroom door when I'm sleeping. It has to stay on because I don't like sleeping alone and somehow I feel the light keeps monsters out of my room. No idea why I think the light keeps me safe but it's a small price to pay in order to be able to sleep without being terrified!

SK Waller said...

Well... what about men, who are very happy to leave the damned TV on 24 hours a day, whether or not anyone's watching it? People come over to visit, the tube stays on. Time to sit down with the family for dinner, the tube stays on. Wife wants to make love, the tube stays on.

Be fair, Slyde. Many women have a deep seated unconscious fear of walking through a dark house. Think about it. Better yet, put any horror flick that was made in the past 30 years on your permanently switched on TV and see why we hate dark houses.

Love ya!