Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Spiderwick Chronicles


I am TOTALLY not afraid of spiders.

Really.

Most times, if I see a spider or other such creepy-crawly in the house, I usually just let them be. They aren’t bothering me, so why the heck should I bother them?

The problem is that everyone else who lives with me is utterly TERRIFIED of them.

I mean, my family really is ridiculous. I can’t tell you how many times I am routinely scared SHITLESS by some member of my family emitting a blood-curdling scream, only to charge down the hall to discover that there is a moth flying around the room, or there is a tiny spider climbing on the wall.

But what can I do about it? After all, I can’t expect the rest of the world to be as manly as I am. But I DO try to teach Mini-Me not to be totally freaked out by the sight of a bumblebee.

And I have always practiced what I’ve preached when it comes to bugs.

Until this morning.

I was getting ready to jump in the shower this morning, when I noticed a teensy-tiny spider cutely crawling up the glass of the shower. He was on the inside of the shower, about 6 feet up the glass, going about his business.

It reminded me of Charlottes’ Web.

So I figured, “Sexy Self, just leave the little guy alone and get in there and take your shower.”

So, that’s exactly what I started to do. I opened the door and guided my sexy naked body into the shower……..

Then I turned on the water…….

And I looked up at my cute little shower companion as the water started to hit me.

Then the little fucker jumped off the wall and landed right onto the top of my head!

Well, any composure I had up until that point went RIGHT out the window.

I started flailing around like a school girl trying to catch a Justin Beiber concert ticket.

I MAY have even squealed like a girl trying to catch a Justin Beiber concert ticket.

Anyway, I’m not sure why the little fucker had declared Jihad against me, but I was finally able to get him out of my hair. He landed with a tiny splash at the bottom of the running shower……

Where I quickly dropped a handful of water and drowned the little fucker.

Then I kicked his waterlogged-ass down the shower drain.

I’m all for being one with nature and all, but that little bastard crossed the line.

14 comments:

Suzi Q said...

Ew! I hate spiders! Usually I scream and then freeze in position like I've seen Medusa and wait for the hubby to rescue me. Yesterday I was home alone and there was a ginormous bumble bee in my bathroom, the size of a Toonie! I hope you know how big our two dollar coin is... I squealed, froze and then thought about it for a bit, am I just gonna stand here all day until hubby gets home? No. So I trapped it with a mayonaise jar, put the garbage can on top of it to make sure he couldn't get out, all the while screaming, then called hubby to come home and get it.

Heff said...

He was trying to make you bend over for the soap.

Slyde said...

Suze: see? its definitely a girl thing....

heff: well, he sure got his wish...

Paticus said...

I am borderline phobic of spiders. I do have my reasons: http://sandwichflats.blogspot.com/2009/11/monday-memories-goes-to-eleven.html
But I think that would have caused me to pass through the door to the shower.

Chantel said...

Back off the chick bash spider boy--I have NO fear of bugs, and am usually the killer of all in my domain. See, I'm not afraid of them--but I am the one that breaks her back cleaning this damn hobit hole and I am NOT sharing! They can live their sorry lives outside my door...inside, it's spider pancakes with a side of mash.

*the exception to this is the stupid stink bugs--which are all named Stanley, by the way--(old blog, lol) these are treated to a ride in my hands to the portal-to-aqua-heaven leaving my domicile sweetly smelling of jasmine and incense. I smashed one once. NEVER again.

Annabelle Archer said...

Don't start no shit, aint gonna be no shit.

He had to learn it the hard way. Dumb ass spider.

Slyde said...

pat: well, i almost went thru the door myself since i almost fell on my ass

chantel: see? sexy AND tough... you are my dream girl...

anna: thats the way! he got spider-schooled.....

MarkD60 said...

My wife is afraid of frogs. I am afraid of everything else

sybil law said...

He was just trying to eat all the cooties out of your hair! Geez.

Chris H said...

OMG I wish I'd been there to see that!
I would have reacted in the exact same way ... *sigh*

B.E. Earl said...

Damn...I was rooting for the spider.

Radioactive Tori said...

I usually am pretty calm when there is a spider or bug and just use some paper to get it to crawl on so I can carry it outside. I figure there is no reason to kill it just because it accidentally ended up in my house. The one exception to this was a centipede looking bug that made me scream and then I smashed it with my daughter's shoe. My other daughter was watching me and I told her not to tell her sister because her sister is a vegetarian and EXTREMELY against killing any animals, even bugs and of all the shoes there for me to grab, of course it was hers I used. My point is that I agree with your theory of letting bugs be but then I also understand why you had to kill that one.

Yvonne said...

ahaha! "all jihad" ---this was hilarious! and for the record, i laugh in the face of bugs. muahaha!

2abes said...

gotta train your wolf to take care of it for you