Good people of the interwebs, I must make a shocking announcement…..
I have decided to go on a diet.
I know, I know. When you have a body and face like mine, there isn’t any reason to EVER fuck with it.
It’s kinda like painting freckles on the Mona Lisa.
But regardless, I have decided that this past winter, I may have indulged a bit too much on Doritos and Jelly Beans (no, not at the same time! Although, that’s not a bad idea…. I could take 2 Doritos and put Jelly Beans in the middle and make a Dorito/Jelly Bean sandwich! Yum!).
So, even though I go to the gym almost every day and work these cannons that lesser men call biceps, I think I need to drop a few pounds from the old stomach-region to get that old six-pack back where it belongs.
And, I have come to a somewhat startling conclusion…..
I mean REALLY sucks.
I see something that I WANT to eat, but then I don’t eat it.
That’s just fucking cruel. Don’t show me something yummy if I can’t have it.
(p.s. That goes for boobs, too…)
Where was I?
Oh yeah, dieting blows.
But I have to say, that I have found this awesome dieting app for my Iphone that I have been using that kicks serious amounts of ass.
It’s called MYFITNESSPAL and I’ve been doing it since Sunday. I entered in my height, weight, and how much I wanted to lose a week. It calculated that if I didn’t go over 1600 calories a day, I’d lose at least a pound a week. What’s really cool is that you can use your iphone to scan in the barcode of whatever you are eating, and it will tell you the calories and record it for you. It’s really fucking awesome.
But I have to tell you, sticking to under 1,600 calories a day is HARD.
Tuesday I took Mini-Me to Panera, where we both planned to get one of our favorite meals, Chicken Brocolli soup in a Bread Bowl.
Well, that plan got derailed right quick when I saw that Chicken Brocolli soup in a Bread Bowl is 800 calories! That’s half of what I can eat in a day! No way could I swing that shit!
In the end, HE got his dream lunch and I was left with a bowl of chicken noodle soup.
But so far, I’m proud to say that I’m sticking to it. Even with 20 people over the house on Easter Sunday and more food and desserts thrown at me that I could count, I have managed to keep my calorie intake anywhere between 20-400 calories under my limit every day so far.
Which, is awesome. Yay for me and my willpower!
The only downside is, I’m not a very happy person right now.
It’s fucking Doris in Fucking Accounting’s fucking birthday today and some asshat thought it would be fucking nice to bring in fucking bagels with fucking cream cheese. I’m watching all these jackoffs eat in front of me and it’s PISSING ME OFF!
But I can stay strong. I can do this.
I am going to Jamaica in 5 weeks and I WILL be back to thong-wearing form by then.