Thursday, April 12, 2012

I’m Cranky

Yes, I’m cranky, dammit.

Why am I in a foul mood, you might ask?

Good people of the interwebs, I must make a shocking announcement…..

I have decided to go on a diet.

I know, I know. When you have a body and face like mine, there isn’t any reason to EVER fuck with it.

It’s kinda like painting freckles on the Mona Lisa.

But regardless, I have decided that this past winter, I may have indulged a bit too much on Doritos and Jelly Beans (no, not at the same time! Although, that’s not a bad idea…. I could take 2 Doritos and put Jelly Beans in the middle and make a Dorito/Jelly Bean sandwich! Yum!).

So, even though I go to the gym almost every day and work these cannons that lesser men call biceps, I think I need to drop a few pounds from the old stomach-region to get that old six-pack back where it belongs.

And, I have come to a somewhat startling conclusion…..

Dieting sucks.

I mean REALLY sucks.

It’s hard.

I see something that I WANT to eat, but then I don’t eat it.

That’s just fucking cruel. Don’t show me something yummy if I can’t have it.

(p.s. That goes for boobs, too…)

Where was I?

Oh yeah, dieting blows.

But I have to say, that I have found this awesome dieting app for my Iphone that I have been using that kicks serious amounts of ass.

It’s called MYFITNESSPAL and I’ve been doing it since Sunday. I entered in my height, weight, and how much I wanted to lose a week. It calculated that if I didn’t go over 1600 calories a day, I’d lose at least a pound a week. What’s really cool is that you can use your iphone to scan in the barcode of whatever you are eating, and it will tell you the calories and record it for you. It’s really fucking awesome.

But I have to tell you, sticking to under 1,600 calories a day is HARD.

Tuesday I took Mini-Me to Panera, where we both planned to get one of our favorite meals, Chicken Brocolli soup in a Bread Bowl.

Well, that plan got derailed right quick when I saw that Chicken Brocolli soup in a Bread Bowl is 800 calories! That’s half of what I can eat in a day! No way could I swing that shit!

In the end, HE got his dream lunch and I was left with a bowl of chicken noodle soup.

But so far, I’m proud to say that I’m sticking to it. Even with 20 people over the house on Easter Sunday and more food and desserts thrown at me that I could count, I have managed to keep my calorie intake anywhere between 20-400 calories under my limit every day so far.

Which, is awesome. Yay for me and my willpower!

The only downside is, I’m not a very happy person right now.

It’s fucking Doris in Fucking Accounting’s fucking birthday today and some asshat thought it would be fucking nice to bring in fucking bagels with fucking cream cheese. I’m watching all these jackoffs eat in front of me and it’s PISSING ME OFF!

But I can stay strong. I can do this.

I am going to Jamaica in 5 weeks and I WILL be back to thong-wearing form by then.

It’s the LEAST I can do for you ladies…….


Heff said...

Sucks for you.

Pass the Pizza.

Slyde said...


Radioactive Tori said...

I haven't ever been on a diet to lose weight but I do know when I had to be on a special diet before radiation it seemed almost impossible and I wondered why people even bother. I don't think I could make myself that miserable for an extended amount of time.

Isn't 1600 calories a bit too low for you? I don't know much about diets but it seems like you should be having more.

Slyde said...

i dunno, honestly. i can say that, while i havent been STARVING these past 5 days, i have never felt full, either.

Honestly, if it werent for this diet forcing me NOT too, i'd naturally be eating something when i felt like that.

but i guess thats kinda the point...

2abes said...

good for you...but i dont think anyone wants to see you in a thong, not even the ladies...

Slyde said...

thats only because YOU'VE already seen me in a thong...

sybil law said...

My boobs really ARE yummy!
Sucks about the diet. Can't you just eat what you want, only less of it, and move more?

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Dude, it will be so worth it! Nothing tastes as good as thin feels. After a week of dieting, your stomach will shrink and you will hardly crave any of that crap.

I promise.

Bruce Johnson said...

Slyde on a diet.....there is a god!!!

Anonymous said...

Slydesblog..did either of them make it out of highschool?
Know how many blogs they got with Sly- Dassault?
About a couple of billion and all about " Nysse".
For instance, they got CONSLYO- SLYMSO- SLYZEN and SLYMAC and that's just about THREARL.
You get to the " Posse" here comes GINGDO- DODONGO- DILDEDUC.
And after you get through that RRAPOP there's DEOLVE- DEMAKE.
So you keep on , keeping on, because ERESO did the ROCCAT.
And now that ORGEUN got DESEACK.
And that's an ASEASE - TOBALSE with " Mick".
And I think you find it on Nymentst or Tzingst.
You tell us.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I've been on fucking diet since January. And it isn't easy...but the results outweight the chocolate taste of a Cadbury's Creme Egg.

NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels.

Stephanie Iris said...

I turn into the wicked witch of the west when I diet. Or when I take diet pills. Or when I am tired. Or when I work too much. Or when I don't get my coffee.

Oh wait, this happens everyday.

Slyde said...

sybil: i can certainly attest to the yumminess of your boobs.

candy: i know, i know. but i want a cookie SO BAD!

bruce: you really DO hate me, dont you?

anon: i agree completely!

daft: you've been on a diet since January? Girl, you do not need to lose weight? do you want to just blow away?

steph: it sounds like we might be married already....

Mrs. Hall said...

and we ladies do appreciate the effort!


Unknown said...

i say fuck that. but then again, i have no will power and a powerfull addiction to ice cream.

but if that's what you want, then good for you and good lick. i mean luck.

Sandra said...

Slyde, I'm trying...I'm really trying to have some sympathy for you, but I've been on a fucking diet since last August, so even reading the word bagels makes me want to throat punch know I love you, but shut up with the food talk man! ...somebody hand me a bagel! People I need a bagel!

Verdant Earl said...

I know how you can lose 10 pounds of ugly, dead weight.

PS - The average human head weighs around 10 pounds. Figure it out.

meleah rebeccah said...

Good luck with the diet!

Yvonne said...

Good luck with your diet! It truly is hard work. I've lost 40 lbs since February. It's still a long road for me, but the end result will be amazing! And yes, "NOTHING tastes as good as skinny feels!"

Dr Zibbs said...

Good luck Tubby!

Dr Zibbs said...

...And I'm blessed with the metabolism of a hummingbird. I eat whatever and takes me two or three months to gain 5 pounds. But I also drink over a gallon of water a day so maybe that's part of it.

Kate said...

After reading this post and all of the comments, I'm feeling a wee bit bloated. I'm gonna look into that APP.


Jill said...

Congrats on giving up the bread bowl! If you're still dieting in four to six more weeks, I'll be sharing your misery! It still loves company, right?!?