Thursday, February 02, 2012

O.J. Makes Me Mad

No, not THAT O.J…..

THIS O.J.


More specifically, I get mad when I don’t get to have my O.J. in the morning.

Most people need some kind of pick-me-up in the morning. Some people need to get in an early morning jog. Some people need a big steaming cup of coffee.

For me, all I need is a nice glass of ice cold orange juice.

Just one glass, and I’m good to go. That one swig will keep me awake and looking fabulously sexy all day.

So, what exactly has my panties in a bunch today?

It’s when CERTAIN PEOPLE (*COUGH FRIZ COUGH*) decide that “Golly, a glass of orange juice would be nice right now!”, and pour themselves a big honkin’ glass of it, leaving me with an empty container in the morning, WITHOUT TELLING ME.

So, not knowing any better, the next day I bounce out of bed all wide-eyed with excitement and anticipation for my glass of morning Orange Juice, only to find 1/10th of an eye-dropper-full left in the damn container.

Sometimes, to add insult to the injury, while I am trying desperately to lick clean the inside of the container in a futile attempt to get my fix, I happen to look in the kitchen sink, only to find a half-full glass of orange juice, laying there among the dishes, mocking me.

On the few occasions where I have calmed myself down enough to ask about the offending glass, the reply I usually get has been, “Well, I decided I wanted some orange juice, so I poured myself a glass, but I couldn’t finish it all. What’s the big deal?”

Whats the big deal? WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL? I’d like to try to pull that shit with her and her coffee in the morning, because believe me, if SHE ever came down from her morning stupor and opened her can of coffee to find it empty, I do believe that the world would be brought to DEFCON 1 with her wrath.

Sometimes, I even buy an extra containerof O.J. and try to hide it in the back of the refrigerator, behind something that I know she’ll never want, like Yoo-Hoo or some such shit, but no matter what I do, she inevitably manages to ferret out my secret stash and ruins my morning.

It’s almost enough to make me switch my morning pick-me-up to vodka. Or cocaine. Whichever’s cheaper and easier to get….. I’m not really up on these things.

21 comments:

Heff said...

O.J. gives me THE SQUIRTS.

NOT the drink. The dude in jail.

B.E. Earl said...

Dude, don't you have a man-cave? Your gaming room where no wifey dares enter? Why not add a dorm fridge to the mix and stock it with all the OJ you can fit? I mean, a real man would stock it with beer. But seeing as you are a sissy...

PS - My mom has my old dorm fridge tucked into a corner of the kitchen with beer stocked for get-togethers. That thing was purchased in 1984 and it's still kicking ass!

Bouncin Barb said...

You could keep a supply of oranges in the house so in the event of mass hysteria, just squeeze a few for your morning fix! See, that's an easy fix! If there's no coffee in my morning it's more than Defcon 1. Always love hearing from you!!

Slyde said...

heff: thanks. now im picturing how that could happen.

earl: a fridge in my office? that room would start looking even more like a dorm room than it already does... maybe i should start hanging chicks panties on the wall, too?

barb: the thought of waking of and having to squeeze oranges fills me with terror...

sybil law said...

Earl's right - you need a mini fridge in your man cave. My husband has one. His is filled with beer, though.
I think you should do that to her coffee just once. Seriously. That would piss me off.
Luckily, I am the only one in this house who likes unsweetened grapefruit juice. OJ is nasty.

Chantel said...

All this fridge crap aside, just switch to vodka. I've got flasks all over the house for "emergencies." (like house cleaning) Fat free, long shelf life, what else do you need?

Or you can just clean out the Yoo-Hoo container and fill it with orange juice. (how else do you keep vodka cold in your parent's house?)

Slyde said...

sybil: grapefruit? yuck! i always hated the taste of that shit...

chantel: i like the way you think, girl :)

Annabelle said...

I feel your pain, lover.

Chris H said...

I can't live without my Diet Coke! Can do without OJ for sure.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I can't live without my cuppa tea!!

CPalermo21 said...

Um - I hate to be the obvious one here, but -- if you SEE a half-full glass of OJ, I'm not sure why you're just not drinking that?

You had a child with this woman; surely you can bring yourself to drink from the same glass, no?

Slyde said...

anna: i knew you would, sexypants...

chrish: thats why we cant live together.. i HATE diet coke...

daft: im not a big fan of tea, either..

chris: that has yet to be proven by the dna test that i keep demanding...

Cocaine Princess said...

I loved this part-- "DEFCON 1 with her wrath!!"

Raquel's World said...

I think you SHOULD use all her coffee. The fallout would make a great blog post.

Not So Simply Single said...

I go straight for the coffee....

No other way to wake this ass up!

Slyde said...

cocaine: and, its true!

raquel: believe me, i have thought about it. too bad i freaking HATE coffee!

simply: its just never been my thing.. yucky-poo!

meleah rebeccah said...

Oh man! The empty container in the refrigerator in morning = RAGE!

2abes said...

little know fact...OJ was pissed that he didn;t get his morning OJ and was caught driving the bronco to dairy barn for a new container....talk about coincidence (i know i can't spell for sjit)

radioactive girl said...

I am a crazy planner so that kind of stuff doesn't often happen to me. What does happen to me is that instead of being surprised by something being empty in the morning, I end up at the store late at night getting whatever it is I know we won't have. I end up tired and not feeling great anyway, so I'm not sure which one is better, stressing yourself out with planning so you aren't upset in the morning or just being pissed in the morning because there isn't any. I suppose in an ideal world I'd be MARRIED to the planner, then I'd be all set.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

If it's any consolation, she might have saved your liver and testicles a little trouble. They recalled a bunch of orange juice for a fungicide that was supposed to be dangerous to those body parts. But then I think they might have recalled the recall...or something.

Sorry about the juice. My kids are finally starting to get used to the reality of living in a five person household (just while we're trying to turn it into six people). You never know when you put something away in the pantry or fridge if you might never see it again. Still, since you're only three, seems like you could get across to her how important the juice is to you in the morning. :-( :-( :-(

AlleyCat said...

get a juicer! It's a bit time consuming peeling 8 oranges every morning, but tastes sooooooo much better!!!