Thursday, January 26, 2012

I’m A Baaaaaaaaaaaad Boy…..

I am ashamed of myself.

Really ashamed.

And not for one of the dozens of reasons that you might probably suspect.

No, I am ashamed to say that I have officially become one of THOSE people.

I have become one of those infuriating people that sometimes let my dog go poo on your lawn and not pick it up.

I know, I know. It makes me mad too. And, I’ve always HATED those people. REALLY hated them.
But that was B.F. (Before Puppy).

Now, before you go all Super Hater on me, let me at least explain.

Every night I take little Ozzy for his nightly walk/run. I try to do about a mile and a half with the little wolf, mostly in hopes that I can tucker him out so I can have a peaceful night of watching American Idol.

And during these walks, he inevitably needs to make a poo-poo.

Now, I WILL say that, at the start of each night’s walk, I have every damn intention of cleaning up after my mad little pooper. I even went out and bought this fancy mechanical scooper, that’s spring loaded and has its own bag dispenser so all I have to do is reach down, pull the handle, and the offending doody is scooped right up into a handy little baggie that I can tie up and toss away.

After about a quarter mile into our nightly runs, we stroll pass this public water pumping station. It’s a one block piece of town land that is mostly just grassland, with a small little building in the middle surrounded by a chain-link fence.

The first time we ran by it, little Ozzy stopped dead in his tracks there, obviously sniffing all the dogs that have come there before him. Without a second’s thought, he squatted down and did a poop there, in the grass by the fence. Being a responsible public citizen, I scooped it up.

The next day, when we got to the station, he again stopped to make a poopsie there. I was running low on baggies, so this little devil popped onto my shoulder and said, “Hey stud! Just leave it there. No one lives here, anyway! Whats the harm?”

So I did.

And then I did it again on the next night.

And the next night after that.

Each day, it’s gotten easier. If little Ozzy can make it to the water pump, I let him unload there in the darkness, and then skulk away into the night. If he DOESN’T make it to the pump and poops on someone’s lawn, THEN I do my civic duty and clean it up.

But damn it all, if I can make it to that fucking water pump and not have to waste a baggie (those things are expensive!), I feel like a winner.

A slightly GUILTY winner, but a winner nonetheless.

So, does this make me a bad person?

Do you all think less of me now?

Will you all still respect me in the morning?

21 comments:

Annabelle said...

oh honey...i've never *respected* you...

actually i'm jealous, walks are pure hell with my shit ass dog - tell me how to fix it, dog whisperer.

B.E. Earl said...

Well, you should pick up after your dog. But that's not what caught my eye in this post.

"...so I can have a peaceful night of watching American Idol."

Just kill yourself now.

Slyde said...

anna: i think thats why we're so attracted to each other.. there is a feeling of mutual non-respect :)

earl: i have an excuse.. Mini-Me likes to watch it.

sybil law said...

I agree with Earl.
And you're a dick. Clean up the dog shit!
:)

Paticus said...

Well, as someone who lived in a house where the neighbors regularly let their dogs shit on our lawn, I am shaking my fist to the sky(at no one in particular,a s I never caught anyone) and trying to make your head explode"Scanners"-style.
But seriously...Clean it up. One of the reasons why we won't get a dog is I don't want to walk around with a bag of shit...But if you get a dog, it's part of the package.

Slyde said...

sybil: but it's so squishy!

pat: but it's so squishy!

Lotus07 said...

I think less of you now, because you are still watching American Idol!......grow up.

CPalermo21 said...

I'm actually impressed. I'm sure your neighbors thought it was you leaving the deuce behind. In that context, you're really ahead of the game ... rejoice!

Possum said...

If folk are edgy about dogs shitting on their lawns they should grow a hedge :))))
It's the homeless folk that don't pick up their own shit that get me gagging.

Slyde said...

bruce: but its FOR THE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!

chris: no, when I do it, i stick a little coctail umbrella on top of it..

possum: ok, im with ya. THAT is gross...

SK Waller said...

As long as he's not lifting his leg on my Morning Glories, I count it as so much free lawn fertilizer.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Our cat does her business on the toilet - we don't even own a litter box. :-)

Paula said...

why would there be shame in being / turning into a black person. I'm black. I'm really trying to see what you mean. But I honestly don't get it. Even as a joke its not viable. It makes no sense.

MarkD60 said...

If I'm on the beach with my dawg, he will always take a big crap right in front of the good lookin' bikini girl when I want to look my coolest... Every Time...

Slyde said...

steph: duly noted.

evil: i know that you've mentioned that before.. thats very cool...

paula: im sorry, hon. you totally missed my joke. When i said that i was turning into "those" people, i was of course referring to "people who let their dog poop on others lawns", but the joke was that often in movies and tv when someone wants to mention someone of color they say "those" people, so when i said "those" people i decided to make my apparently unfunny and incomprehensible joke. It had NOTHING to do with being ashamed, it was just meant as a play on the word.

Sorry for the misunderstanding, but now reading it back i can see how it might be misinterpreted. I blame the problems with interpreting the written word. Yeah, thats my excuse.

in any event, im gonna just delete that part. I certainly didnt mean it in the way that you interpreted it, so im gonna chuck it. My apologies.

Slyde said...

mark: thats exactly what Ozzy would do to me, too.

Susan Higgins said...

You're not bad, just lazy.

Karma may have you stepping in dog shit for the rest of your life over this lack of consideration for others.

This is the reason that I own cats... they go in the woods and cover it up.

Chris H said...

If your dog pooped on MY lawn, I would scoop it up and POST it back to you!
Nasty boy.

Not So Simply Single said...

You are pissing me off now... I would gather that poop of yours, and follow you home with it...and spread it on your driveway...yup. Would do. Maybe even on your porch.

I have so many assholes leaving dog shit in front of my condo, and it makes me a crazy lunatic...

Well, maybe just more crazy than usual.

Dr Zibbs said...

Enjoy your life in hell.

AlleyCat said...

So long as mini me doesn't bust you I spose.................