Tuesday, January 31, 2012

“Ferris Bueller, You're My Hero......”

I’ve spoken here often about my love of John Hughes, and specifically Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

That 1986 movie still remains one of my most enjoyable movie experiences of all time.

It’s just a good, fun, quotable movie all around, but I guess why it struck such a memorable chord with me was because when it came out in May of 1986, a hormonal 17-year old Slyde was just one month away from graduating high school himself, and Ferris’ outlook on school, and life in general, really mirrored how I felt about those things, as well as my upcoming college experience.

Anyway, the point that I am belaboring here is that I fucking LOVE that movie.

For years, there has been a script floating around Hollywood entitled, “Ferris Bueller’s Sick Day”, which centers around a much older Ferris, now working on Wall Street, up to his old shenanigans, trying to take a day off from work. As much as I would LOVE to see a sequel, I tremble at the thought of a movie studio tarnishing one of my childhood magic movie experiences. It’s probably a moot point, anyway, as I don’t think that movie is EVER going to be actually be made.

So, I guess for now, I will have to settle for this. You may have seen clips of this online already since its kinda gone viral, but a much older Mathew Broderick has made a 2 ½ minute commercial reprising his classic role. It will appear during this weekend’s Superbowl.

How cool is that? Even if it’s not insanely funny, and it IS kinda jarring to see Matthew looking so much older when for YEARS he never seemed to age a day, this commercial still brings a smile to my beautiful face.

I think this weekend I may have to pop in my DVD and revisit my old friends.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

I’m A Baaaaaaaaaaaad Boy…..

I am ashamed of myself.

Really ashamed.

And not for one of the dozens of reasons that you might probably suspect.

No, I am ashamed to say that I have officially become one of THOSE people.

I have become one of those infuriating people that sometimes let my dog go poo on your lawn and not pick it up.

I know, I know. It makes me mad too. And, I’ve always HATED those people. REALLY hated them.
But that was B.F. (Before Puppy).

Now, before you go all Super Hater on me, let me at least explain.

Every night I take little Ozzy for his nightly walk/run. I try to do about a mile and a half with the little wolf, mostly in hopes that I can tucker him out so I can have a peaceful night of watching American Idol.

And during these walks, he inevitably needs to make a poo-poo.

Now, I WILL say that, at the start of each night’s walk, I have every damn intention of cleaning up after my mad little pooper. I even went out and bought this fancy mechanical scooper, that’s spring loaded and has its own bag dispenser so all I have to do is reach down, pull the handle, and the offending doody is scooped right up into a handy little baggie that I can tie up and toss away.

After about a quarter mile into our nightly runs, we stroll pass this public water pumping station. It’s a one block piece of town land that is mostly just grassland, with a small little building in the middle surrounded by a chain-link fence.

The first time we ran by it, little Ozzy stopped dead in his tracks there, obviously sniffing all the dogs that have come there before him. Without a second’s thought, he squatted down and did a poop there, in the grass by the fence. Being a responsible public citizen, I scooped it up.

The next day, when we got to the station, he again stopped to make a poopsie there. I was running low on baggies, so this little devil popped onto my shoulder and said, “Hey stud! Just leave it there. No one lives here, anyway! Whats the harm?”

So I did.

And then I did it again on the next night.

And the next night after that.

Each day, it’s gotten easier. If little Ozzy can make it to the water pump, I let him unload there in the darkness, and then skulk away into the night. If he DOESN’T make it to the pump and poops on someone’s lawn, THEN I do my civic duty and clean it up.

But damn it all, if I can make it to that fucking water pump and not have to waste a baggie (those things are expensive!), I feel like a winner.

A slightly GUILTY winner, but a winner nonetheless.

So, does this make me a bad person?

Do you all think less of me now?

Will you all still respect me in the morning?

Monday, January 23, 2012

Sad Songs Say So Much

Hey, was there any football on yesterday? I haven’t heard anyone mentioning anything about watching any games on their Facebook status or anything….

In all seriousness, Big Ups to my N.Y Giants (even if I AM an Oakland Raiders fan… go figure). I will ALWAYS root for my home teams…

Anyway, didn’t I JUST say that I would try to pump out regular posts this year? And then I went and didn’t post at ALL last week. I’d like to say that you should be surprised that I lied to you, but of course you shouldn’t be. I lie to chicks all the time. That’s how I get to bang so many of them.

But the truth of the matter is, between the holiday last week, taking a day to take Mini-Me into Manhattan to the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not museum, and some training classes, I really didn’t have a chance to post much of anything last week.

And this SHOULD be the part of my tale when I try to make it up to you with a really long, meaningful post but, much like those aforementioned times when I’ve tried to bang you, I am going to come up short….

No, for today, all you will get from my sexy little hands is this skit from Saturday Night live that they originally aired when Emma Stone hosted back in December. I thought it was funny back then, and then they had the good sense to replay it this past weekend, so now I just HAVE to share it.

I love Emma Stone. She is pretty, talented, and seems fairly intelligent. She’s kinda like a Bizarro-version of Lindsey Lohan. And Fred Armisson, who I always love, just cracks me up as the janitor.

And finally, 2 points to musical guests Coldplay for being good sports and having some fun with it as well.

Anyway… enjoy!

Friday, January 13, 2012

P.C. Richards Can Suck It

I fucking HATE P.C. Richards.

For those people not in the U.S. (or hell, not in the NY area… are they even nationwide?), P.C. Richards is an electronic store. They sell computers, laptops, big screen TV’s, you name it.

But EVERY damn time I go in there I want to punch someone in the nads. Their salesmen are hands down the rudest, slimiest a-holes I have ever met.

I understand that if you work on commission, you really need to land the high-ticket sales, but don’t fucking IGNORE ME if I’m looking for help in picking a $5.00 SD card! After being routinely ignored every time I walked in and wasn’t looking to spend thousands of dollars, I have learned my lesson.

NOW, when I walk in, I run straight to the big-screen televisions, and start looking at price tags. Within a MINUTE, some asshat in a cheap suit comes running over, asking me if I need any help. When I then ask him where the batteries are, I take extra special joy in watching the friendly smile turn into a lowly sneer on the jackoff’s face as he walks me over to help me with my $10 sale.

If the place wasn’t so damn convenient (literally down the road from my house), I would never set foot in the place.

But THIS time, they went too far.

My mom’s TV blew up this week, so she’s in the market to get another one. Now mind you, they have this big honkin’ entertainment center, so they can’t fit more than a 40 inch TV in there. My point being, NO television they are going to buy should end up being TOO expensive a set.

Also, keep in mind that my mother has the technological knowledge of someone from 1965. Seriously, she still can’t even figure out how to work her VCR.

So, to the slimeballs at P.C. Richards, having HER walk into the store, asking for advice on what television to buy, was like throwing chum in the water.

She called me up last night after coming home from the store, telling me that she worked out what she needed with the P.C. Richards salesman, and was going back to buy her $4,000 in items!!!!!!!!!!

I fucking blew my lid. When I asked her to tell me what the Hell she was planning on buying, this is what she told me:

- 40 inch Sony for $900. I didn’t see the set, but at least I can say that is a reasonable price. They also had her on the hook for a 5 year service contract for about $400 more, which is total bullshit. Generally, I don’t believe in contracts…. If the fucking thing breaks, then just go get a new one.

- $200 Blu-Ray player – this is where I started to lose it. She didn’t even know what Blu-Ray was. The guy told her that it would make her movies look better. He NEGLECTED to tell her that you needed to get Blu-Rays to watch them. She was led to believe that the player just made her TV look better, and this slimeball did nothing to contradict that. The player was 3-D ready, which was why it was so expensive. The fact that he had the gall to tell her to buy a 3D player when he was already selling her a non-3D TV makes my skin crawl. He also had her on the hook for an $80 insurance contract on it, too.

- Bose Speaker system – This is where I went postal. He told her that to REALLY get the proper sound, she needed this system installed with the tv. The fact that it cost $1,500 probably had nothing to do with his decision, I’m sure. Seriously, a Bose system? For my mother? A person who half the time watches TV with closed captioning on because the noise gives her a headache? Are you shitting me?

- He also had her on the hook for over $200 in cables and other crap.

After tax, the total came to around $4,000.

Thank goodness she had the sense to call me before she bought all this shit. For HER needs, she should be spending $1,000 tops. If she HAD bought that stuff, I swear I would have driven down there and personally returned every damn one of those appliances to that salesman. Rectally.

Again, I know times are tough, and working on commission is dog-eat-dog, but how the fuck do you sleep at night when you make it part of your job to take advantage of unsuspecting senior citizens?

See? Just telling this story got my hot Sicilian blood all riled up again. I may need to go out and tip over one of those fucking Best Buy Geek Squad cars in retaliation……

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

That's My Boy...

Well, this weekend I went and made myself happy.

Get your minds out of the gutter for once, you hooligans!

I MEANT that I got myself something I have wanted for a while now…

Didn’t I just say to get your minds out of the gutter? Jeez, what kind of gal do you think I am?

What I’m trying to say is that I bought myself a beautiful new Iphone!

Now I can while away the hours while talking to SIRI about all manner of useless topics.

Last night my son, who is infatuated with SIRI, asked it, “SIRI, why is my daddy so ugly?”, to which SIRI replied, “I don’t know. I’m not sure who your father is.” That gave me a hoot.

Anyway, speaking of Mini-Me, last night he surprised me, as he often does, with just how awesome he is. Apparently, he had an assignment in school where he had to write about his hero. When I went to his parent-teacher meeting last week, all the little rugrats had their Hero Essay taped to the hallway outside their classroom.

Mini-Me’s entry is in the banner pic above. For those with bad eyesight or too lazy to embiggen it, it reads:

“Who’s your hero? Mine is my dad. He’s tough, kind, and gentle. Even if he yells at Ozzy. I love to cuddle with my dad and sometimes Ozzy jumps in too. It’s so fun when me and my dad go outside and bring Ozzy out too and all play together. When we walk we bring Ozzy too. Now, it’s like son, father, and puppy day. My dad loves to walk me to 7-11 and get a cold Slurpee. While we walk we tell stories. He lets me pick the adjectives. I love my dad.”

I cleaned up the spelling a bit because, quite frankly, it was atrocious, but darn it all to heck if he didn’t cut me to the quick with this. He deserves something for making me all veklempt. Quick, someone buy him another Xbox!

I especially love the pictures up above the writing.. I’m assuming that the picture on the top right is me, him, and the dog walking to 7-11.

I can’t quite figure out who the one-eyed Medusa-thing is that’s following us.

It’s probably my wife.

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Having Fun At Other People’s Expense

Sometimes, I like to fuck with Friz and play jokes on her. She’s so gullible, that it’s just too damn easy and just too damn tempting not to.

As I mentioned, I took the last 2 weeks off for the holidays, so I had a lot of time to stay home and play video games and watch TONS of Netflix movies.

During one movie watching stint, I decided to watch some classics that I hadn’t watched in ages.

So, one day last week, when Friz came home from work, she found me lying sexily on the couch, and the following conversation took place.

Friz: What are you doing?

Stud: I’ve been watching old movies.

Friz: Cool. Watch anything good?

Stud: Actually yes. I watched a movie earlier that I have never heard of before.

Friz: Really?

Stud: Yeah. It must have been a small independent film, or else it tanked at the box office, because I had never heard of it. But it was REALLY good!

Friz: Oh, maybe I’ll watch it later. What was it?

Stud: I can’t remember the name. It starred Dustin Hoffman.

Friz: OH, I love him! I think I’ve seen all his films, though. You can’t remember the name? You just watched it!

Stud: I know. It had a real weird name though. I can’t remember it.

Friz: Well, what was it about?

Stud: Well, Dustin Hoffman played this kid who just graduated from college, and he doesn’t know what to do with his life, and this older woman ends up seducing him and having an affair with him.

Friz: You mean The Graduate?

Stud: Noooooo, that wasn’t it.

Friz: Of COURSE that was it. What the hell are you talking about?

Stud: No, this movie had Anne Bancroft in it. She played the Milf.

Friz: Yes, THAT is The Graduate! It’s a classic! You can’t tell me that you’ve never seen it.

Stud: No, It wasn’t The Graduate. I KNOW what movie I just saw, and THAT wasn’t it.

Friz: Well, that’s the only movie that I know that they starred in together. What happens in this movie?

Stud: Well, Dustin Hoffman and Anne Bancroft end up having an affair, and then he falls for her daughter, and the whole thing blows up. The movie ended with the daughter deciding to marry someone else, and then Dustin gets to the chapel just in time and bangs on the glass and shit, and he stops the wedding and they end up running away together.


Stud: No, I’ve seen The Graduate, and this wasn’t The Graduate.


Stud: No it wasn’t. This was different.

Friz: Then what was the name of THIS movie?

Stud: I told you I can’t remember. I think it was called “The Alumni”, or something….


Stud: Maybe it was called “A Guy Who Just Got His Diploma”….?

Friz: ……..

Stud: Why is your face red?

Friz: You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?

Stud: Of course I am.

Friz: You’re an asshole….

Stud: Whatever. Hey, tonight do you want to watch this small independent mafia movie I just heard about? It sounds pretty good.

Friz: Sure, what’s it called?

Stud: The Godfather.

Friz: Eat me.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012


Happy New Year everybody!

Sorry for being so AWOL in December. This happens at the end of every year, but I always end up feeling like I’ve neglected all of you. That USUALLY never happens until after I’ve had sex with someone. It makes me feel all bad and stuff….

But, now it’s January, a new year, a new beginning, and all that jazz. I’m back at work after taking most of the end of the year off, so my blogging should go back to its semi-regular state. Likewise, I hope no one missed my witty comments on THEIR blogs too too much. I’ll try to be an EXTRA-SPECIAL smartass for the next few weeks to try to make up for it.

So, as with many other people around this time of year, I have been reflecting on the past year and I’d like to come up with some resolutions that I can take into 2012.

The thing is, I’m pretty much perfect in every conceivable way. It’s kinda hard to top perfection. Believe me, I’ve tried.

So, with that in mind, let me try to come up with some resolutions for this little ol’ blog.

1) Post more – This is a tough one. I am clearly a lazy fuck who at BEST, can manage to post 2 times a week. The problem with posting more is twofold. First, as I said, I’m lazy. I barely had the energy to type that last sentence. Second, I really try to only post stuff that I think SOMEONE out there would care to read. No “Today I took my kids to the mall” posts for me, thanks.

But I really SHOULD post more. I just noticed that my post count for last year was less than the year before, and I really didn’t post too often THAT year either.

So, one blogging resolution for this year is to beat last year’s post count.

Keep in mind that this may mean that, come December 31 2012, you will be treated to 29 posts of “Fuck yeah, bitches!”, but I WILL make this resolution happen!

2) Post what I owe you – I definitely owe you guys some posts that I just haven’t had the energy or balls to write. Most specifically the 2 Truths And A Lie post which more than a few of you have asked me about. I will get on this soon.

3) Read More Quality Blogs – I read a lot of internet stuff, and a lot of it is pretty much crap. Mind you, if I take the time to comment on your blogs, then I think you are a gem, but there is A LOT of crap out there that I waste time reading and then wishing I didn’t, and there are SO MANY good blogs out there that I find myself NOT reading regularly because I just don’t have the time. That doesn’t make much sense. But then again, no one has ever accused me of being anything other than a beautiful face.

4) Hit 200 followers – Why? Because I’m a vain prick. What, you didn’t know that by now? You must be new here….

5) Bang You Guys – Well, at least the ones that I haven’t banged YET. I think last year we left off somewhere in the “M”’s. So, N thru Z, get ready to be rocked! Hell, this is the only way I know to get my followers to go up.

So, there you have it. Upon reading this back, this list wasn’t nearly as melancholy and introspective as I’d planned it to be. I seem to have already resorted to talking about how gosh-darn good-looking I am, and sex jokes.

Well, why fuck with a good thing?