Thursday, March 31, 2011

Pics From The Past, Volume 2

Hey kids!  It’s time for everyone’s favorite installment here on Slydesblog….. namely where I pull out a random picture from a box of old photos and scan it in for your perusal and enjoyment.
The first picture that I pulled is, by coincidence, also the one that I had scanned in and cropped a few years ago when I needed a picture for my avatar here on Blogger.  You’ve no doubt all drooled over this picture countless times, so it’s probably high time that you finally got to see the entire picture.  This way you can probably have much more fulfilling sexual fantasies about me while you stare at it.

This picture was taken by my girlfriend at the time during my one and only attempt at camping, somewhere in Upstate New York.  I have to say that, as much as I was dreading the idea of communing with nature for 3 days and not being able to play Warcraft, in the end I have to admit that I kinda ENJOYED the whole camping experience.
Mind you, I’ve never attempted it again, so I must not have loved it TOO fucking much, but I DO remember being outdoors in the pitch dark of night, and listening to nature, mostly being drunk off my ass, and thinking that everything in my life was just dandy.
I ALSO remember cutting a hole in a watermelon and pouring a bottle of vodka into it.  I remember carrying the bloated watermelon with me everywhere I went, like it was a newborn.  I guess it kinda WAS, wasn’t it?  I also remember tripping over a root and me and my alcohol-soaked newborn tumbling ass over teakettle into a ravine, but other than THAT, I remember having a good time on this trip.
Interesting side-note:  A few days after we came back from this trip, I beat the bejeesus out of the dude sitting down that looks like Super-Mario, after he made a very drunken and very pathetic play for my girl one night.  What can I say?  I’m kinda territorial that way.  And that chick next to him was his girlfriend at the time.  That’s class.
Anyway, as you might surmise, I have long since fallen out of touch with this entire crew.  They have become just another set of faces from my past who I might not even recognize if they walked past me on the street today, even though, during that particular magical summer, these were the most important people in the world to me.
But I guess that’s the purpose of this particular little experiment of mine…. To dust off the cobwebs of some long-forgotten corners of my life, and to stir up the past for your enjoyment…….
…….And to get you all hot and bothered.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Bloggers Are Spiteful

Not ALL of us, but yeah, SOME of us are.

Don’t get me wrong… I’ve met many great people from my 5+ years of running this site. I’ve received heart-felt letters, gotten gifts in the mail, offers to meet up with some of you in real life. Hell, some of you have even sent me naughty pictures of yourselves. Those were, or course, my favorite. You little minxes, you…..

Where was I?

Oh yeah. Most of you are aces, but every once in a while, I’m reminded of just how catty and childish some bloggers can be.

Here are a few of the catty situations I’ve been involved in during my time running this site:

- I used to go to this one person’s site quite often. I would comment there on just about every post she wrote. One time, in her comments, she mentioned that she never commented on MY site because I didn’t have enough followers and it wasn’t worth her time. What the Hell? Like the only reason she left comments anywhere was so she could self-promote! Bitch.

- There are some people who will ONLY leave a comment on your site if you FIRST leave a comment on theirs. It’s a quid pro quo thing, I guess, but people can be REALLY catty about it. Sometimes I test my theory by not leaving a comment on their site for weeks, and I likewise don’t hear a peep from them. Then, I drop in to leave a quick comment and sure enough, within 24 hours they reciprocate.

- I had one person once send me an angry letter, giving me all kinds of shit because she was ‘following’ me, and I had yet to ‘follow’ her. At first, I thought it was a joke, but the letter was quite serious, and REALLY fucking nasty. I take pride in the fact that I was calm and controlled enough to not tell her to go eat me. In fact, I never responded at all. Hopefully, she sat there stewing as to why I never replied, or if I had even gotten the email at all.

Speaking of ‘following’, doesn’t it drive you crazy when you lose a random follower and you don’t know who it is? A few weeks ago, I went from 126 to 125 and for the damn life of me I couldn’t remember who suddenly thought I sucked enough to drop me. Then the next day I went back to 126, only to drop again to 125 the day after that.

I really don’t think I look at those numbers all too much, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t irk me when someone just up and leaves me, without even the prospect of goodbye sex. I mean, why the Hell did they leave me all of a sudden? They obviously liked what I wrote at one point enough that they wanted to read more. Did I suddenly start to suck? Because I call bullshit on that one…. I’m pretty positive that my recent posts are just as sucky as they’ve ALWAYS been. I’m pretty consistent that way.

Clearly, my goal to have 1,000 followers by tomorrow is NOT going well. Never mind that I just made that goal up about 30 seconds ago… I’ve worked hard and I deserve to be happy, dammit!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Inked

So, whattaya think? Do you like the new ME?

Ok, surprise surprise, that’s NOT me.

But I DID finally get my new tattoo this weekend!

I was driving Mini-Me home from a Saturday matinee showing of Rango, when I noticed that we were driving past the tattoo shop.

“Hey, Mini-Me…. you wanna help me pick out a tattoo?”

“Really? I can pick out something, and you’ll get it?”

“Sure”

So, with that, we parked and entered the store.

I have to admit I was a bit nervous after making my promise to the wee one. I never break my promises to him, but it was going to be rough getting changed at the gym if I took my shirt off sporting a huge Spongebob tattoo on my chest.

Thankfully, I had read all the great suggestions you guys had given me 2 weeks ago, and although I thought more than a few of them were aces, I decided to go with the idea that my two sex slaves Diva and Evil Twin’s Wife came up with….. namely, to get a tattoo with my son’s astrological sign.

Other than THAT general idea, I had no idea what I wanted exactly. So, Mini-Me and myself started the long process of leafing through about 1,000 pages of tats, looking for something that struck our fancy. I must say, it was quite cute seeing my little 8 year old in a tattoo parlor. We got more than a few curious stares, like people thought we were picking out something for HIM…

Idiots.

Anyway, after sitting there for about 30 minutes, I turned one particular page and instantly knew that I had found what I was looking for.

Mini-Me had wanted to stay and watch, but after declaring quite loudly to the room that “he had to go poop!”, I decided it might be smarter to take him home and come back solo.

1 hour later, and the deed was done…..

Here’s a close-up.

In the end, I’m quite happy with it, and I was glad that they could add Mini-Me’s name inside the heart.

Now, the only thing I’m worried about is the possibility of ever going to prison.

Somehow, I don’t think having another dude’s name on your arm is the best way to start one’s prison life.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Secret Agent Man

I foiled a worldwide espionage terrorist plot yesterday.

My neighbor, who is currently having extensive work done on his house (adding a second floor, new kitchen, etc), is also a NYC detective.

Often times, he takes some high profile security details and fugitive transports. For instance, he’ll often tell me that he needs to go out of town for a few days to escort a prisoner out of state where they are due to stand trial. Whenever he tells me about this stuff, I always feel like he is leaving something out….. like there is much more to the story that he’s not allowed to tell me.

Anyway, yesterday morning, I was walking out to my car to leave for work (with my pants on… yay!), when I noticed an odd-looking van parked in front of his house.

Not thinking TOO much about it, I kept on to my car, until I noticed that there was an official looking emblem on the side of the van. Granted, it was pretty far away, but it sure looked like a government seal.

Then I saw that, printed on the side of the van, were the words “CIA – COUNTER INTELLIGENCE AGENCY”.

“Holy Shit!”, he must be doing one of his super-spy thingies.

Then I thought, “Way to be discreet, CIA! Why don’t you just plaster your phone number on the side panels?”

In any event, now my curiosity was peaked. Just what the Hell was my neighbor up to THIS time that he’s apparently working with the CIA?

My curiosity went apeshit when I suddenly noticed that the back doors of the van were left flung open, and no one seemed to be anywhere near the vehicle.

Now, I’ve watched enough seasons of ‘24’ to know that when there is an abandoned government vehicle, it usually means that there are some dead secret agents and a portable nuclear device somewhere nearby.

So, I sprung into action!

I stealthed my way over to the van, ready to incapacitate whatever member of Al Qaeda I came across with my Tupperware of leftover pasta.

Slowly, I crept. Closer… ever closer to the back doors of the van…..

As I came around the back of the vehicle, waiting to pounce, I noticed writing on the back panels of the van….

“Visit our website today! WWW.CIACOUNTERS.COM”

Visit our website? What the fuck? That certainly seems to be an OVERLY friendly message for the CIA to be giving to random motorists…..

And THAT’s when it finally hit me.

The van is from THIS PLACE. It’s a company that sells and installs kitchen countertops.

As I was standing there in my Karate-Kid crane posture, ready to decapitate some poor Mexican day laborer, my stupidity FINALLY started to creep in.

In my defense, that logo really DID look official. Well, from a hundred yards away, anyway…..

Ok, so HOW EXACTLY did I foil a worldwide espionage terrorist plot yesterday?

If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Pics From The Past, Volume 1


Last night, I was sitting alone in the dark in my closet, crying on the floor while looking through old photos, when I realized something……..

I have A LOT of old pictures.

Seriously, I’ve got like 2 big boxes of pictures taken over the years. Most of them are snaps of me with whatever girlfriend I wanted to fucking strangle at the time, but there are some pretty cool ones that I really should start scanning into my PC so I can keep them for all posterity.

Then I thought to myself, “Sexy self, if I’m going to start scanning pictures, I might as well share them with the world!”

So, that’s what I’m gonna do. Every once in a while, I’ll scan a new one in so I can internationally embarrass myself, and maybe even tell a funny picture related story.

So, let’s get started. I already had the pic below scanned in, so let’s start with that, shall we?


I’m honestly not sure about who took this picture. I DO know that it had to be taken around 1996-97, since I am standing in my old apartment.

If I had to guess, I’d say it was closer to 96. Why 96? Because, if you look in the background, you can see some blankets on the pull-out couch. The ONLY reason that I’d ever sleep on my couch, as opposed to the big bed in my bedroom, was if I was about to throttle my fiancĂ©-at-the-time, and she had moved out of that apartment that we shared around New Years Eve 1996, so my guess is that this pic was taken shortly before that.

Plus, I’m dressed in my biker outfit (which really was remarkable since the only bike I’ve ever ridden was a Schwin), and that probably meant that I was pissed off about something, and about to head out to a bar to cause some trouble.

Anyway, as you can see, I’ve been ruggedly handsome for a long time. Probably too long for my own good. I think maybe that it might have started to make me conceited.

Maybe.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I Hate Gnomes!

Ok, not really.

I just hate PEOPLE.

On Saturday, I took Mini-Me to see “Gnomio and Juliet” and almost strangled some bitch to death at the concession stand.

We were running late, since the ticket line was longer than anticipated. (And as an aside, what the HELL are so many people doing taking their kids to see an 11AM movie? Don’t these people have lives? The sun is out, for God sakes! Go ride a bike! And don’t get me started on the fact that 2 MATINEE tickets for 1 adult and 1 child cost me 18 fucking dollars! Bah, in my day, I could get a movie ticket, drinks, a full lobster dinner, and a hooker, all for a nickel and a pair of nylons…. Ok, where was I?)

Anyway, by the time we got our tickets, we were running late, and of course Mini-Me can’t watch a movie without munching on Sour Patch Kids, so NOW we were forced to wait on the concession line from Hell. The minutes passed by slowly as we inched our way to the front.

When we were about 3 people from the counter, I noticed the people behind me, a 40ish woman and her 10 year old son, were whispering about something.

I heard her son say: “Hey mom! It looks like they are going to open a second register! When they open it, we should run right over!”

Thinking that no self respecting parent would ever endorse blatant “cutting”, I didn’t give it another thought…..

That is, until the 2 little shits ran past us and sailed up to the counter as soon as the second clerk took his position.

The bitch turned her back to me as if to hide herself from what she did.

No way. No FUCKING way.

I said, kinda loudly, “Are you kidding me, lady?”

No response. She wouldn’t even turn around.

So I got louder, and said it again. Still nuthin’.

To my defense, I just wanted the witch to acknowledge what she did. I didn’t want to make a big scene, especially with Mini-Me there, but when you turn your back to me and pretend I don’t exist?

Well, let’s just say that THAT is a really quick way to get my Sicilian blood boiling.

So, I started being a very loud smartass.

“I Can’t BELIEVE that someone would teach their child that jumping ahead in a line is the right way to act.”

“Son, remember when YOU learned in kindergarten that cutting is not nice? Well, apparently SOME PEOPLE never graduated from that grade!”

“Hey, maybe somewhere along the way I misunderstood the concept of a line. Maybe only every THIRD PERSON gets helped!”

On and on and on. I was right pissed by this point, and past experience has taught me that I was not going to be able to stop until she at least acknowledged that I was alive.

She must have finally realized that I wasn’t going to stop. My ranting had started to attract a bit of a crowd, so she must have figured it was finally time to deal with me.

She turned around and gave me a sheepish “Well, the line was open……”

That’s when I finally popped.

“Yes, the line opened, and I was ABOUT to move to it when you barreled past us. But that’s OK. I’m sure you’re a VERY busy person. Hey, maybe you’re late for a movie or something? Then by all means, feel free to cut in front of me, BECAUSE I COME HERE JUST TO EAT THE DAMN POPCORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

With that, the entire line behind me burst into giggles, and the woman, looking like she just got caught pooping on the floor, grabbed her little monster by the hand and ran off.

And I got a standing O from the crowd behind me.

After getting our candy, Mini-Me looked up at me and said “Daddy, were you going to kill that lady?”

“No, son.”

“But I sure THOUGHT about it……”

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Bullets Are Sexy

Hey there kiddos!

What’s an incredibly good looking person to do when they want to update their blog, but don’t have the time to write a REAL post?

That’s easy! They write a bullet post!

- My big news is that THIS BLOG IS FINALLY FIXED! No, I don’t mean I got myself neutered (that would be a crime against mankind). I mean that the problems that I have been bitching about with my blog have finally been corrected.

You may remember that during last summer, I suddenly lost about 30 percent of my readers, who thought I suddenly deleted my blog because they could no longer access it. Yeah, that was really fun! I banged my head against the wall, trying different setups, scouring geek forums, and doing everything short of selling my kidney to try to figure out what was going on.

NO ONE had a clue. Not google, not my isp, not my hosting company….. no one.

The really infuriating thing was that, last week, it just started working again for everyone who was having an issue. As near as I can tell, it seems to have had something to do with Verizon’s DNS setup, but as maddening as it was, it’s over now.

So, all you AWOL people can come on back now. Of course, those people are no longer here, so I’m actually talking to MYSELF right now. Wonderful.


- The Saga of the Atari 800 continues! You might remember that last month I began the process of getting my childhood computer, my beloved Atari 800, up and running again, to play with Mini-Me. I am happy to report that not only do we have it up and running, but I was amazed to discover a really lively internet community that still sells, plays, and builds Atari stuff. I actually am in the process of purchasing a second Atari 800xl that is still new in the box! Who the hell keeps a computer new in the box for 20 years, only to sell it? That’s freaky. I’m also in the process of swapping out my ancient disk drive with a machine that will allow it to accept programs from a modern SD card, which might sound very lame, but if you are a techno-geek like myself, makes me all tight in the pants.

- Speaking of computer fun, all week I have been having the most fun I’ve had in a while with my pants on, playing a new game called MINECRAFT. It’s basically like playing Lego’s on steroids. You are given a complete world to build, destroy, and basically do whatever you want with it. It’s been tons of fun, and both Mini-Me and myself are having a ball with it. If you have 14 Euros to spare (it’s made in Sweden), I strongly suggest googling it and picking it up.

I guess that’s it for now. Have fun, my lovelies, and have a super sexy weekend!

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Underdressed

I swear, sometimes I really do think that there is something wrong with me.

I mean, like my elevator-is-not-quite-reaching-the-top-floor kind of wrong.

It’s to be expected, I guess. I mean, these killer looks, perfectly sculpted body and big wee-wee just HAD to come at a price, didn’t it?

What exactly is my mental deficiency, you might ask?

I’m always worried that I’m naked.

Well, not naked, exactly. But at the very least…. I’m worried that I’m in my underwear.

Let me backtrack a bit.

A few years ago, I had a very good friend, who kinda lost his shit for awhile. I mean, he REALLY went batty….. like CHARLEY SHEEN batty. Over the course of a few months, his behavior became more and more erratic and violent. Most times, there was NO discernable reason for his anger.

For me, it came to a head when he, myself, my girlfriend at the time, and a bunch of our friends all went down to Cancun for a week and I almost beat him to death on the beach after he became violent towards my chick. I ignored him for the remainder of the vacation, and once we touched down at JFK, vowed never to speak to him again.

Over the next few months, I had heard disturbing stories from friends about what my ex-friend was up to, and his increasingly erratic behavior. It all seemed to come to a head when one day, he forgot to get dressed in the morning, and drove to work in his underwear.

When I heard that story, I was dumfounded. I mean, seriously, how fucking far must you have to fall off the sanity-wagon to drive to work in your skivvies?

Shortly after that incident, there was in intervention of sorts, and it was discovered that he suffered from a previously unknown chemical imbalance. He’s on medication now, and although we aren’t close anymore, as far as I know he now remembers to go to work wearing pants.

Anyway, looking back at all the crazy shit he pulled during that time, the one thing that has ALWAYS stood out to me, even now, a decade later, is the thought of him driving to work in his underwear.

And what scares me is that I fear that a little bit of his ‘crazy’, seems to have been passed on to me.

When I get up to go to work every day, I’m pretty much in a fog of sleep. I am barely awake in the morning, as I get dressed in the dark and stumble out to my car. I’m usually in a big time haze of sleep, and typically do things that don’t make a helluva lot of sense. Today, for instance, I realized when I got to work that I had on the wrong color shoes.

Anyway, knowing that I am slightly loopy in the morning, and always having the knowledge of my friend’s breakdown in the back of my mind, I am cursed every damn morning with a sudden panic attack as I’m walking through the parking lot into my office with the frightening thought that I FORGOT TO PUT MY PANTS ON TODAY!

I’m not kidding. Every morning, as I walk into my office, it suddenly occurs to me that I didn’t remember to put my pants on, and I quickly stop and inspect myself to ensure that I am in fact NOT walking into work in my speedos.

No, it has never happened so far, but that doesn’t mean it COULDN’T, right? I have this unrelenting fear that one day I will walk into work naked. It’s like having one of those dreams where you are in school and suddenly you don’t have clothes on. Every damn day.

Anyway, I’ll keep plugging along trying to remember to dress myself, but in the meantime, if any of you fine ladies could please send me pictures of you in YOUR underwear, I think it might help me start the healing process.

How will that help, exactly?

I dunno. Just don’t question it.

It’s SCIENCE, dammit.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Charley Sheen Makes A Lot Of Sense

I’m not sure if you’ve heard this, since it hasn’t made much news, but Charlie Sheen has gone crazy.
And I’m not talking about “Hey, let’s get stoned this weekend and go to Vegas” kind of crazy…..
I’m talking about total batshit, suitcase-full-of-coke, “throw your own feces” kind of crazy.
I’m not gonna say that I couldn’t be happier, because he’s got kids, and kids who have to deal with a looney-toones parent are not funny.
But I WILL say that what we are seeing with Charley these last few weeks is nothing new.  People tend to have short-term memories and forget that he’s ALWAYS been a world class fuck-up.
-In the 80’s, he shot Kelly Preston in the arm during one of his coked-up binges.
-He was Heidi Fleiss’ #1 client when she ran her prostitution ring.
-He’s beaten up pretty much every wife and girlfriend he’s ever had.
-He’s been in and out of rehab more times than I’ve been to White Castle (and I fucking LOVE White Castle).
And yet, people still love him.  I just don’t get it.
Honestly, I have NEVER liked the dude.  I think he’s a shitty actor, I think his TV show sucks, and in most of his movies he shows all the emotion of a block of wood.
Anyway, in the rare case that you just can’t get enough of Charley, THIS website is here to help.
What’s great about that site is they are technically not making fun of Charley at all…. They are just regurgitating all the batshit stuff he has been spouting off to the press lately.
Seriously, I can’t stop clicking on his big head.  Some of my favs so far….

"The run I was on made Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger and Richards look like droopy-eyed armless children."


"Can't is the cancer of happen."


"I'm an F-18 bro."


How great is that shit? 
That website is like having your very own Magic 8-ball…..
…. If it was built by Charles Manson.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Tattoo Me!


What do you think? Too much?

Anyway, I think it’s time for another tattoo.

I’ve been telling myself I wanted to get just ONE more tattoo for the past few years now, but every time I decide to pull the trigger, it’s usually during the summertime, and I don’t feel like dicking around trying not to get it wet for a month during the beach season, so I tell myself “next year!”, and then the vicious cycle repeats itself.

But THIS year will be the year I get my next (and last) tattoo.

I don’t think I’ve ever shown a picture of my tattoo before. I guess you can see it in my Survivor audition video that I posted last month.

Anyway, this isn’t MY arm (MY arm is all muscle and sinew), and my tattoo isn’t EXACTLY the same (MY tattoo is much cooler looking), but this is about as close to mine as I can find on the interwebs.

I’ve been saying for years that I want to get one more. But I want it to somehow have a reference to Mini-Me.

At first I designed this cool looking cross with his initials embedded in it, and some roses and stuff, but honestly, in the end it was looking way too ghetto for my taste.

I think I’m leaning now more towards something with his initials, or his birth date, but whatever I get, I want it to remind me of him.

And I want to get it in the next few weeks. DEFINITELY before my summer fun starts, so I can go down to the beach in my speedo and flex my new tattoo for the gaggle of chicks who routinely flock to my blanket.

I’m just not completely sold on any one idea yet, so that’s where you all come in. I mean, what use is an army of devoted followers if I can’t hit you up for good ideas once in a while?

So, who’s got a good idea for my new tattoo?

If I like your idea, I will make it worth your while. (Wink Wink!)

p.s. The cyber-winking above is my sly way of strongly implying that if I like your idea enough to stencil it on my body for all time, you might get sex out of it from me. Truly, there’s no better prize anyone could ask for.