Tuesday, December 27, 2011

‘ Tis The Season

Not the season for CHRISTMAS, you silly-heads…..

Christmas was SO last week……

No, I’m talking about the most exciting news that I’ve heard in months……

Survivor is once again accepting applications for contestants!

If you’ve been coming here for a while, you might recall that I have a SLIGHT obsession with that particular reality show.

Ok, ‘slight’ MIGHT be an understatement.

I fucking LOVE Survivor.

I have applied to be on the show 3 times now. The last time I applied, I actually came close to the final selection process where they were going to ask the public at large to vote on who they should put on the island. They had my video up on cbs.com and everything.

I came close enough last year to taste it. I’m sure you all remember my audition video, too. Hell, most of you chicks probably have it bookmarked so you can use it to get your rocks off every morning. I’m feeling lazy, but if you go through the archives, you can search for it if you are so inclined. Believe me, it’s worth it. I take off my clothes in it. Really.

And the WORST part of not making it past the final cut to get on Survivor this season?

It's THIS guy:

This is Rick. He’s a cowboy. Although he made it to the final 5 this year, he spent the entire season not winning ANY challenges, and barely speaking. He was just there as a patsy until the REAL players had no more use for him and slit his throat.

He’s ALSO the guy who beat me and stole my fucking spot on Survivor last year.

That, my friends, is completely unacceptable. It simply cannot happen again.

Anyway, as I said, last year I came close to FINALLY having a chance to be on the show. I don’t want to blow it again. And since I got a new high definition webcam for Christmas, America will now be able to see my rock-hard abs in the 1080p goodness that God intended.

The question, once again is, ‘What the fuck do I do for my audition video?’

I asked this last year, and some of ya’ll had some really good ideas. The reason I couldn’t do some of them, however, were two-fold:

- Although I DO have a camcorder, it’s kinda shitty and I worry about the quality of using it, so I forced myself last year to stick to doing it from the webcam.

- Many of you had good ideas, but they involved getting the help of others. And, well, I’m kinda shy like that. I’ve done every audition tape so far all by my lonesome. Shit, I don’t even like other people to be HOME when I make my audition tape. Last year, I sent the fam out for ice cream or some such shit. I’d kinda like to keep it that way if I can.

So, there you go. I want your bestest ideas. The deadline is January 10th, but I’d like to submit something before this week is over…..

…Because I’m still off from work this week, and I’ll still have the house to myself.

You wouldn’t think that someone who has the body of Hercules and the face of a runway model would be so demure and shy, but it is apparently true.

And humble. Don’t forget humble.


sybil law said...

Eat shit!

No, really. Eat shit! I've never watched that show, but I'm pretty sure that would be impressive. Also, act like a total douche, because they need someone they think is gonna boost their ratings, and no one boosts the ratings like a winning douchebag!

This would be easier if you could name reasons WHY you'd kick ass on the show. Like, survival-like talents, etc.

Slyde said...

WHY would i kick ass?

You HAVE seen a picture of me, haven't you?

Unknown said...

i got nothin'


i will vote, like a groupie fiend, for your video or whatever i can do to help you realize your Survior dream.

Slyde said...

i knew you'd have my back. and to recprocate i wouldnt mind doing something to your FRONT...

BB said...

Is there any type of guideline for your video? I wouldn't know where to begin. But I do remember this from last year and I will so vote for you "when" you get to that point. I've got a good feeling on this one!!!

Heff said...

Pretty SURE they're NOT gonna sign somebody up that lives in constant fear of the Amityville Horror house.

Just sayin'.

Slyde said...

the only guidlines were that

1) no copyrighted material can be used ie music or photos

2) no references to any other people ie past contestants

3) not 1 second over 3 minutes

other than that i dont think there were any real restrictions..

Verdant Earl said...

I say go with something understated this year. No running around in the woods or stripping to your undies. Just an honest, well-spoken monologue stating your case. Be confident, don't stutter...show that you will be interesting without being a jerk or annoying Survivor nerd (like Cochran). Just talk about how well you would do in all aspects of the game while respecting it at the same time.

I get the feeling that they have an idea of who they want to "cast" anyway, so maybe the simple approach will be the best one.

But don't do it on a webcam. You never know where to look when using that, and you need to make "eye contact". Use your iPhone or iTouch or whatever. Trust me, it will be better than a webcam video.

meleah rebeccah said...


I hope you get on the show this year! Good luck, my friend.

latindog said...

I'm local and will film your audition tape if you'd like. You could then make an ass out of yourself in a public space or what not.

Seriously though I would help you out if you'd like.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I'd take latindog up on that offer.

Susan Higgins said...

If you eat worms or something gross, I bet you would get picked as a player.

When you are selected... I will watch Survivor again.

MarkD60 said...

I have no idea of what the requirements are, but I recommend this:

Get an Evil Kinevil type suit.

Have someone interview you about how you feel about this stunt. You're a little nervous, but you've got a good crew and have been training hard. yadda yadda

Show you climbing into a car, painted to match your suit.

Show said car rolling into car crusher. (Don't really be inside the car)

Car gets crushed to tiny cube.

Interview you from the hospital, recuperating from minor cuts and bruises. Talk about what went wrong (or how well it went).

Anonymous said...

I am fresh out of ideas. Sorry Slide.

By yourself and new camcorder user... um... Well the premise of survivor is to survive.

eating shit and worms seems more fear factor based things.

um, maybe film how you would hide thing like coffee in your hat, mints in your shoes. Things that would help you survive. Like um, knowing how to make a fire with no matches or a compass with water and a stick.

Those are kinda lame though. How to stand out... hmmm. If everyone is making a survivor video tape and they've already gone the almost-sex-tape route.... hmmmm...

I seriously can't think too much nog in my noggin. When I think of something i'll come back.

Anonymous said...

Blair Witch the video?! recording can be rough, easily do it by yourself. Can edit down the footage so it's really funny/scary/point diven

but it's probaly been done. Maybe find an angle.

Reality show it? Put a camcorder in the room and pretnd you're on survivor - record how much Frizz (?) is eating and complain of how much she eats. Eliminate Mini-Me by voting him off. No one need know you are recording (as voting and things are done in private anyway) AND it'll be funny to get a normal day at home turned into survivor: home.You can play on the Mini-Me being your son, but you'd do anything to win. But keep it light hearted you know. It could be fun.

hmmmmm, you have set very limiting limits

Anonymous said...

Make a YouTube music video. Or use your star trek video - lawd that was funny. You can hold the camera yourself for close ups nd you could really write a song/ or rap. Whatever.


Make a terrorist video - although that one could land you in jail so I wouldn't. And it could be in bad taste. its a very fine line this one

okay I need to go make dinner. I'll try and keep thinking. Just hope I don't get distracted.

Anonymous said...

but I'm kinda with B.E. Earl on this one

carol w. said...

Andrew, you can use my HD camcorder if you like. And how does someone too shy to make their video with anyone else at home think they should be on a national TV show? Just wonderin'.

Chris H said...

Just have fun, whatever you do. And don't go showing them your rock hard abs unless you have to... don't want them swooning!
good luck

Angie said...

Hey sunshine... remember me??? The wonderful person from Pittsburgh... not bloggin yet but maybe Iwill start again.. How are you???

Radioactive Tori said...

I don't have any ideas for you but I remember last year and I had no idea that that guy is who beat you. I spent the whole season asking why he hadn't been voted out yet. I hope you get chosen! Keep me posted because I will definitely vote for you to get on.

blondie1 said...

oh my gosh it's that time again I do hope you get in this year you would be funny, in ya face annoying as!!!!!

Not So Simply Single said...

I hate survivor...the stuff they have to do makes me CRINGE. I am a priss, I admit it...

Happy New Year!

Cocaine Princess said...

Maybe you need to grow a mustache?

Good Luck and Happy 2012!!

meleah rebeccah said...

Pssst - Happy New Year!

Angie said...

Hey you... Happy New Year Stranger.... I think I am back to blogging... trying to begin on where I should start since I missed two years????

Slyde said...

earl: im gonna make it today when i get home, and i agree... im going with simple and understated...

meleah: i'm not sure if i WANT to fuck rick....

paula: the funny thing is that i actually DID a blair witch video back on my first tape, about 10 years ago :)

carol: jarett?

angie: im clicking on your profile and it doesnt link me to your blog. can you send me your link again, or do you have a new blog?

AlleyCat Runs said...

A belated Merry Christmas to you!!! Good luck with audition.....I've no creative idea's..... sorry!!!!!!

Jill said...

I've never seen that show. Just participating in real life is usually scary enough for me. But good luck!!!!