Tuesday, December 27, 2011

‘ Tis The Season

Not the season for CHRISTMAS, you silly-heads…..

Christmas was SO last week……

No, I’m talking about the most exciting news that I’ve heard in months……

Survivor is once again accepting applications for contestants!

If you’ve been coming here for a while, you might recall that I have a SLIGHT obsession with that particular reality show.

Ok, ‘slight’ MIGHT be an understatement.

I fucking LOVE Survivor.

I have applied to be on the show 3 times now. The last time I applied, I actually came close to the final selection process where they were going to ask the public at large to vote on who they should put on the island. They had my video up on cbs.com and everything.

I came close enough last year to taste it. I’m sure you all remember my audition video, too. Hell, most of you chicks probably have it bookmarked so you can use it to get your rocks off every morning. I’m feeling lazy, but if you go through the archives, you can search for it if you are so inclined. Believe me, it’s worth it. I take off my clothes in it. Really.

And the WORST part of not making it past the final cut to get on Survivor this season?

It's THIS guy:

This is Rick. He’s a cowboy. Although he made it to the final 5 this year, he spent the entire season not winning ANY challenges, and barely speaking. He was just there as a patsy until the REAL players had no more use for him and slit his throat.

He’s ALSO the guy who beat me and stole my fucking spot on Survivor last year.

That, my friends, is completely unacceptable. It simply cannot happen again.

Anyway, as I said, last year I came close to FINALLY having a chance to be on the show. I don’t want to blow it again. And since I got a new high definition webcam for Christmas, America will now be able to see my rock-hard abs in the 1080p goodness that God intended.

The question, once again is, ‘What the fuck do I do for my audition video?’

I asked this last year, and some of ya’ll had some really good ideas. The reason I couldn’t do some of them, however, were two-fold:

- Although I DO have a camcorder, it’s kinda shitty and I worry about the quality of using it, so I forced myself last year to stick to doing it from the webcam.

- Many of you had good ideas, but they involved getting the help of others. And, well, I’m kinda shy like that. I’ve done every audition tape so far all by my lonesome. Shit, I don’t even like other people to be HOME when I make my audition tape. Last year, I sent the fam out for ice cream or some such shit. I’d kinda like to keep it that way if I can.

So, there you go. I want your bestest ideas. The deadline is January 10th, but I’d like to submit something before this week is over…..

…Because I’m still off from work this week, and I’ll still have the house to myself.

You wouldn’t think that someone who has the body of Hercules and the face of a runway model would be so demure and shy, but it is apparently true.

And humble. Don’t forget humble.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Yule Logging

We here at Slydesblog are trying very damn hard to put ourselves in the “Holiday Spirit”.

Like most of you, some of the fondest memories of my life stem from Christmases long past.

I remember as a kid, having tons of family over on Christmas Eve, and getting present after present. It was always a fun, magical night, and the best part of it was going to bed that night, knowing that when I next opened my eyes, I would run into my parent’s room to wake them up at the crack of dawn, and race into the living room to see what Santa had left me.

I’m sure many of you have those same memories.

The thing is, as we get older, it gets harder and harder to hold onto those Yule-time feelings.

Most of it just goes out the window with the complications of adulthood. Jobs, bills, and mortgages tend to take a big bite out of the ol’ Holiday Spirit.

Part of it just comes when the illusion of Santa is broken once and for all. I think I was around 9 at the time when my parents finally told me that Santa wasn’t real, but in all honesty, I kinda knew already. I just didn’t want to admit it.

It didn’t help that my parents were SO damn bad at hiding my presents every year, either……..


I’m not going to say that the holidays had gotten humdrum for me, but they certainly weren’t the holidays of my youth…..

Until Mini-Me came along.

One of the BEST parts of having a little boy in my life is that I can once again experience the magic of Christmas all over again, through his eyes.

Friz is always getting perturbed at me because I am always going overboard on my son every year. And she’s right, of course. Christmas isn’t ONLY about giving and getting, but for a 9 year old boy, it’s a pretty damn big part of it.

It might be sad to think of it this way, but being a child is typically the happiest part of a person’s life. It’s not ALL downhill as an adult, of course, but it IS certainly more DOWN than UP.

But, when that precious little boy of mine comes bounding into our bed at the crack of dawn this Christmas, begging us to wake up so he can bolt downstairs to see what Santa has left him, Darn It All To Heck, but that old Spirit of Christmas comes flooding back to me.

As I said, he’s 9 now, and by some miracle, he’s still “all-in” with believing in Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. I’m not sure how many more Christmas’s I have left where that’s going to be the case. In all probability, some little shit friend of his will soon open his big mouth about Santa and that, my friends, will be all she wrote.

So yes, I went a little overboard this year. Ok, Ok. I REALLY went apeshit this year. Did he REALLY need an Xbox with Kinnect along with the 2 dozen other pricey gifts I got for him? Probably not.

But damn it all, if this IS the last year that he is going to believe that a big fat man in a red suit came down our non-existent fireplace to place presents under our tree, then I sure as Hell wanted his last mythical Christmas experience to be one he’ll always remember with a smile…

Friday, December 09, 2011


You would never ever EVER think it by looking at my killer good looks, rock hard abs, and 12 inch dong, but I’m getting old.

How am I starting to come to this very sad realization?

I blame my grandfather.

Let me explain……

When I was a kid, I always considered Grandpa, God Bless him, to be old. But it wasn’t because of his actual age that I thought of him that way…..

It was because of the fact that he could never get ANYONE’S name right.

He would often confuse one pet with another. Family member’s names were often interchangeable. Once when he was calling me to dinner, he yelled out the dog’s name.

I didn’t take it personally, though. After all, he was old.

And now, Fuck it all to Hell, I’M starting to do it, too.

Since we got the puppy, it seems like my “Golden Girls”-like mind just can’t grasp the concept of having to remember ONE more new name, and now all the names that I DO have stuffed into my brain are all spilling out all over the place.

I keep calling the dog by the cat’s name, and vice versa. I’d say I do this about 90 percent of the time, now. Shit, even if I picked a RANDOM pet’s name every time, I’d only be getting it wrong 50% of the time!

And now, I have started to take my senility to the next level…

Last night I called my son by the dog’s name.

We all laughed it off, but deep down, I took a good look at myself and saw my grandfather laughing down from Heaven at me.

This shit needs to stop before I fall further down the road to adult diapers.

Because let me tell you, if I slip up and call Friz by the dog’s name, I will be in for one major ass-whuppin’.

One more thing that I’ve noticed about myself that confirms that I am turning in to my grandfather….


I’ve started saying “Huddycall”.

Whenever my grandfather didn’t know the name of something, he’d call it a huddycall. He’d say, “Go down in the basement and get me the huddycall”. Then I’d say, “You mean the screwdriver, grandpa?”. And he’d say, “Yeah, that!”.

I always just thought that huddycall was some funny name he’d made up for himself, or he was just mispronouncing “what do ya call it”….

Until today. I just looked up “Huddycall” in the Urban Dictionary and found:

Huddycall: A word common among the coal region in Northeastern PA. A word used as a filler when you can't remember what you were thinking of.

Which makes sense, kinda, since my grandpa grew up in Brockton, Mass.

But it IS nice to know that he wasn’t just spouting jibberish.

Cause THAT would have meant he was probably crazy, and that shit can run in the family, yo…..

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

I'm Not As Funny As I Think I Am

In what is sure to be a trend here for the next 4 weeks, I will once again apologize for the lack of posting.  I'm sorry to say that it's pretty much going to be like this until life returns to normal after New Years, but I'll try to pop some Pearl's O' Wisdom on ya whenever I can.  Likewise for not visiting anyone else's blog in over a week now.... between work happenings and some other stuff, time has been short.

Anyway, speaking of my Pearl's O' Wisdom.....

Have you ever dreamt of something, and then woken up in the middle of the night thinking that what you just dreamt about was the damn FUNNIEST thing in the world?  That you just HAD to remember it when you woke up in the morning, because anyone you tell it to will piss their pants with laughter? 

Then, when you wake up the next day, you remember what you had dreamt about and think, "What the fuck?"

Seinfeld even did an episode about it once.  During the night he thought of the "Ultimate Joke", only to later realize it made no sense.

Well, last night was MY night.

I woke up at 3A.M., with literal tears in my eyes from the joke i just told myself in my dream.  I actually woke up still laughing.  I honestly considered getting up and writing it down, in the fear that i wouldn't remember it in the morning.

But luckily for you all, I DID remember!

You ready to be wowed?

OK, here we go.......

A friend comes up to me and tells me about this new burger joint that just opened up across town. 

He is RAVING to me about how good the burgers are!  He Tells me they are to DIE for!

The only drawback, he tells me, is the price. 

He tells me the burgers cost $100 each!

So, I turned to the guy and said.........

and said.........

you ready for it?

I said "The only way that I'd pay $100 for a hamburger was if it came with $99 crumpled between the buns!"

I'll wait here while you all find some Kleenex to wipe away the coffee you just spit onto your monitors from unexpected, uncontrollable laughter.

Thank Goodness that I'm so much wittier when I'm conscious....