Thanks to Facebook, now I think I’m being stalked by a sexy assassin.
I logged in this morning, as I do EVERY morning, mostly to read the deluge of dirty and suggestive private messages that all the women of the world feel the incessant need to keep sending me.
So, as I’m scanning through the dozens of offers of obligation-free threesomes that I get every day, I happened to glance over in the corner of the screen to the “Friends You May Know” area….
You know what I’m talking about, right? In the upper right hand corner of the screen, Facebook will often show you a picture of some person with the tagline of something like “This is Suzy. 13 people you know are already friends with Suzy. Would YOU like to be friends with Suzy too?”
Most of the time I ignore these things, because quite honestly, I could give two shits about Suzy. If I haven’t friended Suzy by now, it most likely means that either I don’t know her, or she’s someone I haven’t seen in so long that I could give a flying fuck about her.
But sometimes, out of curiosity, I click on the link anyway, because I want to see which of my friends know Suzy. That’s how I can usually tell who the hell she is. For instance, if I click on Suzy and see that the 13 friends that know her are all friends from grade school, then I know that Suzy is someone that I went to school with who I have long since forgotten. You get the idea.
Anyway, TODAY’S “Suzy” message informed me that “4 friends know Suzy! Would you like to be friends with Suzy too?”. Looking to kill time during breakfast, I decided to see who knew Suzy.
This is where I got freaked out.
The friends I know who know Suzy are:
- Someone who I currently work with
- Someone who I worked with at my last job
- Someone who I worked with at my very FIRST job out of college
- A childhood friend I had when I was 8 years old.
NONE of those 4 people, as far as I know, know each other, but yet, EACH ONE OF THEM is friends with Suzy!
And yet, when I look at Suzy’s picture, I am quite sure that I have no fucking clue who the Hell Suzy is!
How is that possible?
Here is a chick who has been intersecting with people in my life for the past 40 years! I feel like she is the “Jenny” to my “Forrest Gump”.
Or worse, maybe she is a silent assassin, stealthily stalking me from the shadows for the past 4 decades, just waiting for her time to finally strike when I’ve let my guard down, infiltrating my circles of friends over the years with the sole intent of getting closer to me…..
Well, Suzy will have to wake up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on ME, dammit!
Do you hear me, Suzy! Now I’m on to your game, bitch!