Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Silent But Deadly


Thanks to Facebook, now I think I’m being stalked by a sexy assassin.

I logged in this morning, as I do EVERY morning, mostly to read the deluge of dirty and suggestive private messages that all the women of the world feel the incessant need to keep sending me.

So, as I’m scanning through the dozens of offers of obligation-free threesomes that I get every day, I happened to glance over in the corner of the screen to the “Friends You May Know” area….

You know what I’m talking about, right? In the upper right hand corner of the screen, Facebook will often show you a picture of some person with the tagline of something like “This is Suzy. 13 people you know are already friends with Suzy. Would YOU like to be friends with Suzy too?”

Most of the time I ignore these things, because quite honestly, I could give two shits about Suzy. If I haven’t friended Suzy by now, it most likely means that either I don’t know her, or she’s someone I haven’t seen in so long that I could give a flying fuck about her.

But sometimes, out of curiosity, I click on the link anyway, because I want to see which of my friends know Suzy. That’s how I can usually tell who the hell she is. For instance, if I click on Suzy and see that the 13 friends that know her are all friends from grade school, then I know that Suzy is someone that I went to school with who I have long since forgotten. You get the idea.

Anyway, TODAY’S “Suzy” message informed me that “4 friends know Suzy! Would you like to be friends with Suzy too?”. Looking to kill time during breakfast, I decided to see who knew Suzy.

This is where I got freaked out.

The friends I know who know Suzy are:

- Someone who I currently work with

- Someone who I worked with at my last job

- Someone who I worked with at my very FIRST job out of college

- A childhood friend I had when I was 8 years old.

NONE of those 4 people, as far as I know, know each other, but yet, EACH ONE OF THEM is friends with Suzy!

And yet, when I look at Suzy’s picture, I am quite sure that I have no fucking clue who the Hell Suzy is!

How is that possible?

Here is a chick who has been intersecting with people in my life for the past 40 years! I feel like she is the “Jenny” to my “Forrest Gump”.

Or worse, maybe she is a silent assassin, stealthily stalking me from the shadows for the past 4 decades, just waiting for her time to finally strike when I’ve let my guard down, infiltrating my circles of friends over the years with the sole intent of getting closer to me…..

Well, Suzy will have to wake up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on ME, dammit!

Do you hear me, Suzy! Now I’m on to your game, bitch!

22 comments:

B.E. Earl said...

I'm Suzy.

Annabelle said...

No, I am Suzy.

Though in some seriousness, there are wicked tricky viruses going all over fb. Be very very careful what you click, open, or accept.

See you next stalking.

Xoxoxo
Suzy Q

Slyde said...

Earl: I wouldnt doubt it

anna: One day i will get you to be my FB buddy... i know you are super protective about that stuff but i am going to wear you down...

Heff said...

I'm Suzy, too.

sybil law said...

I'm the real Suzy.



P.S. Take your meds!!

Annabelle said...

Sybil...can i trust him?

email me Slick, I'll give you the super secret password.

Slyde said...

heff: ok, im starting to think that some of you are NOT really suzy...

sybil: meds on the way!

anna: i dont have your email, sexypants.... but MY email is at the bottom of the site here....

B.E. Earl said...

I'm Spartacus.

2abes said...

Earl likes gladiator movies....go figure. Suzy must be Earls facebook alter ego.

Marlene said...

I'm better than Suzy. 'Nuff said. (And can you tell I've been reading your blog for a long time? You're starting to rub off on me.)

Slyde said...

earl: i always thought of you more as the 'caligulia'-type

abes: possibly. i know for a FACT that he's seen a Turkish prison

marlene: there's a dirty joke in there about me rubbing off on you anytime, but im too much of a gentleman to say it. oops.

MarkD60 said...

I have found it odd that two people I know know each other, but never one person knowing four.
I'd recommend a name change and quick move to another country

Paticus said...

I'm not Suzy...But I did recently become FB friends with Suzy....And now that you mention it, she DOES ask a lot of questions about you.

Slyde said...

mark: im packing now!

paticus: stop it!

The Accidental Somebody said...

That is a little creepy! Now I'm going to start stalking you on facebook - what are your first and last names please...

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I'm Suzy.

no but who gives a good God damn who Suzy is?

She's just a figment of your imagination that is running wild...

And the title of this post had me thinking that this was going to be a fart post.
Always up for a good fart post.

Chris H said...

Well I AM NOT SUZY for sure! lol

Sandra said...

Ok...I'm Suzy. Please "friend" me so I can send you lewd lascivious invites for uninhibited threesomes, no strings attached I promise. I will not boil any bunnies in your kitchen afterward.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Oh the comments this time are as funny as the post itself! Good ones, Slyde readers & Slyde! :-)

Maybe she's not really a long time stalker, but just a recent stalker. But then, how did she come to friend that particular combination of friends? Maybe she's an innocuous long time stalker who's had a crush on you since she was 8, but you just forgot about her.

Cocaine Princess said...

I would have to agree- it is a little creepy.

Watch your back and beware!!

meleah rebeccah said...

Slyde, you crack me the fuck up!

elizabeth said...

Shut the f up! That is like something out of a Steven King novel. You totally have to go into the Identity Protection Program. I might be over reacting but you all get there eventually...