Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Apparently, no matter what kind of shape I work hard to keep myself in, once you hit the big 4-0, your body starts to disintegrate.
Let’s do a quick rundown of my bodily woes…
Last Thanksgiving, I tore my Rotator Cuff while in a bare knuckle street fight with a gang member named “Bulldog”. He was beating the living tar out of me when I managed to swing a wild haymaker with all the strength I could muster, and knocked his ass out.
The fact that this fight did NOT happen on the streets, but on my Playstation 3 is completely irrelevant.
Ok, so I was playing a videogame with my Playstation Motion controllers and I tore my rotator cuff…. Happy now?
Anyway, I completely fucked my shoulder up. It’s hurt like a bitch for almost a year now, and although it’s much better than it was, I’m still not back to 100%. Every once in a while I’ll extend my arm the wrong way, and I’m down for the count again. One year of icing, heating, physical therapy, and I’m still not healed yet.
What the Hell is up with that? In my 20’s I used to be able to chop off my arm with a meat cleaver and just duct tape it back on. In the morning, I’d be fine!
The injury ALSO ended up tearing the tendons in my forearm, so basically the end result is I also have a type of tennis elbow.
So, to recap, my right arm fucking HURTS!
Then, last month, just as I was starting to feel a TAD better, I had to tear up our backyard patio to get ready for the pool to be dug, because I had some demolition guys come over and they wanted $400 to do it so FUCK THEM! Anyway, I did it myself and ended up tearing the tendon on my LEFT forearm.
So, now I’m basically a hobbled, armless stud. Sort of like Venus De Milo but with a wee-wee instead of a cha-cha.
The whole ordeal is really pissing me off. I haven’t done a decent workout in my gym in over 6 months now. For a while, I kept trying to work around the injuries, but nothing really worked. I have now resigned myself to stop doing any lifting at all until the new year.
Until then, I’ll just hang with the other housewives on the stair masters and the ellipticals.
Getting old sucks. Thank GOODNESS I’m still gorgeous! If my looks ever start to go, I may just have to kill myself.
Seriously, I give any of you people out there that are ugly mad props. I don’t know how you manage to get your fugly asses out of bed every morning.
Scrawled by Slyde at 10/18/2011 01:01:00 PM