Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Falling Apart

My friends, the title says it all.

Apparently, no matter what kind of shape I work hard to keep myself in, once you hit the big 4-0, your body starts to disintegrate.

Let’s do a quick rundown of my bodily woes…

Last Thanksgiving, I tore my Rotator Cuff while in a bare knuckle street fight with a gang member named “Bulldog”. He was beating the living tar out of me when I managed to swing a wild haymaker with all the strength I could muster, and knocked his ass out.

The fact that this fight did NOT happen on the streets, but on my Playstation 3 is completely irrelevant.

Ok, so I was playing a videogame with my Playstation Motion controllers and I tore my rotator cuff…. Happy now?

Anyway, I completely fucked my shoulder up. It’s hurt like a bitch for almost a year now, and although it’s much better than it was, I’m still not back to 100%. Every once in a while I’ll extend my arm the wrong way, and I’m down for the count again. One year of icing, heating, physical therapy, and I’m still not healed yet.

What the Hell is up with that? In my 20’s I used to be able to chop off my arm with a meat cleaver and just duct tape it back on. In the morning, I’d be fine!

Anyway…..

The injury ALSO ended up tearing the tendons in my forearm, so basically the end result is I also have a type of tennis elbow.

So, to recap, my right arm fucking HURTS!

Then, last month, just as I was starting to feel a TAD better, I had to tear up our backyard patio to get ready for the pool to be dug, because I had some demolition guys come over and they wanted $400 to do it so FUCK THEM! Anyway, I did it myself and ended up tearing the tendon on my LEFT forearm.

So, now I’m basically a hobbled, armless stud. Sort of like Venus De Milo but with a wee-wee instead of a cha-cha.

The whole ordeal is really pissing me off. I haven’t done a decent workout in my gym in over 6 months now. For a while, I kept trying to work around the injuries, but nothing really worked. I have now resigned myself to stop doing any lifting at all until the new year.

Until then, I’ll just hang with the other housewives on the stair masters and the ellipticals.

Getting old sucks. Thank GOODNESS I’m still gorgeous! If my looks ever start to go, I may just have to kill myself.

Seriously, I give any of you people out there that are ugly mad props. I don’t know how you manage to get your fugly asses out of bed every morning.

22 comments:

sybil law said...

You know, aside from my back issues, I don't have a whole lot else that's bugging me since turning 40. Fuck. I just jinxed myself, didn't I? Damn you, Slyde!!
Also, I can't wait to see what the Verdant Dude has to say!

Slyde said...

he will have NOTHING to say. As usual.

He's so jelly of me....

Marlene said...

I feel your pain. I keep injuring my freaking supraspinatus and I have NO idea how I'm doing it. I don't even play video games. Sheesh.

B.E. Earl said...

I hurt my shoulder playing Wii Tennis against my nephew, so I feel your pain, old man. I also broke my thumb playing Golden Tee golf at a bar. Try wiping your ass when you have a broken thumb for fun. It ain't.

And I'll ignore your pathetic attempt to insult me. But only because I have a cold.

SK Waller said...

Face it. From the 40 on, we're dying. I just turned 60 (I'm still only about 30 inside). The truth is, as we get older, the pain gets worse, but the acceptance gets better. I'm not so hung up about aging--or the associated pain--as I used to be. Hitting that 60 mark was a real relief--I'm happy to be over middle-age. That was suck personified!

A friend of mine tore her rotator cuff too, and had surgery. She's much better now, and she's about your age.

Hope you can pull yourself--and all your parts--together soon, and feel better!

Slyde said...

marlene: wow, i dont even know what the hell a suprajejeknis is!

earl: hurting your shoulder playing wii tennis is lame and dorky, while hurting your shoulder over Illegal Street Fighter 3 is manly and cool

steph: thanks, hon. My doctor actually suggested we hold off on the surgery, so im doing as i'm told for now. I may change my tune on that, however, if things dont get better soon...

Bouncin' Barb said...

I won't compare my pains to your pains because I'm not like that but don't put it off if your doc says operation. Cuz 50 just gets stiffer and not in the places you'd probably want! haha. That picture went so well to this post. No more working around the house too! You're done.

Nat said...

You know the old saying... you're only as old as the woman/man you're feeling.... trouble is, my hubby IS younger than me and he seems to be falling apart more rapidly!

radioactive girl said...

When I got to 30 it was the same way. First cancer then all the other never-ending crap. I was hopeful that it would get better but after reading this post maybe I have to accept that this is just how it is now. Too bad I didn't know how good I had it before when I one night of sleep could fix anything!

Kristina said...

The stupidest injuries happen at the dumbest times!

Susan Higgins said...

Don't laugh at my answer... stop eating wheat gluten. It causes inflammation in the body. When I eat gluten, my body aches and I feel wicked old... I'm 51. Eat more vegetables and protein... you will feel better. I do and I'm older. Also... do something more than video games. If you are injuring yourself playing then you are missing your real life and the real people in it.

2abes said...

just remember ...if it doesn't kill you it only makes you stronger...btw, how does the verdant dude break his thumb playing a video golf game????Is that some kind of secret code for soemthing else????I call foul!

MarkD60 said...

Ha! Wait till you hit 50!

Slyde said...

barb: well, right now the doc is against it, so we'll see...

nat: well, my wife is older than me, so she's falling apart even faster!

radio: tell me about it! we didnt know how good we had it!

kristina: word!

susan: i have seriously considered going gluten free. I have done it for small stints and felt much better. Its just hard to keep up with it.

abes: everything earl says is a euphamism for gayness...

mark: i cant wait!

The Accidental Somebody said...

Careful Slyde, you're gonna break a hip one of these days...cause you're OLD and what-not.

;)

meleah rebeccah said...

"So, now I’m basically a hobbled, armless stud. Sort of like Venus De Milo but with a wee-wee instead of a cha-cha."


AHAHHAHAHHAHAHH!OMFG!

You crack me up.


And, um...hello, you are in MUCH better shape then most men I know.

Chantel said...

Babe, you are two steps from a helmet and a bedpan! This is the point where you start designing your um...late-mid-life crisis. (??) Topless pool parties, beer bong building workshops, pick up a convertable, you'll feel...30 again.

Oh, be sure to get the wifey in on all this...you can co-crisis.

Lotus07 said...

Wait till you hit 55 - young'un (Tylennol will be your best friend.....that and Viagra)

Slyde said...

accidental: see, thats what i DONT want to hear!

meleah: thats what im here for.. tip your waitresses....

chantel: well, ive already got a convertible, and im in the process of putting in a pool so all i need now is some chicks willing to get naked in it. Any takers?

lotus: 55? people live that long?

Cocaine Princess said...

Ouch. Tendon injury can be a bitch! Take care and here's to a speedy recovery.

Slyde said...

thanks, sexy!

Shabbygal said...

I totally agree about the falling apart after 40! There isn't a day I don't wake up and something new hurts! You crack me up about having your looks cuz that's exactly how I feel too! What will we have once our looks are gone? I really don't want to get any older! I certainly don't what's so golden about the golden years! Traci