You might think that someone who looks as beautiful as I do would be EXTREMELY high maintenance, but I’m here to humbly report that just isn’t true.
On the contrary, I am about as easy going about the ‘little things’ as they come.
In fact, if YOU were the girl who hit the jackpot in the Lottery of Life and married me, you would feel so damn lucky to be alive, that every morning you would wake with a smile on your face, jump out of bed, and do a cartwheel to celebrate your incredible good fortune.
My point being is that I REALLY don’t demand a lot from the person I live with. I really don’t. Basically, as long as you don’t throw poo on the walls or try to cut off my wee-wee in my sleep, we’re good.
Oh, and there’s one other thing you’ll have to do for me…….
When you fill up one of the garbage pails in the kitchen, could you for Fuck’s sake please replace the pail with a new trash bag?
Because, I’m not a murdering type of man, but so help me, if I have my hands full ONE MORE TIME with something I need to throw away and slide open the cabinet in our kitchen that contains our garbage pail, only to discover AGAIN that the garbage bag is full, tied shut, AND JUST SITTING THERE, I do believe I am going to take an icepick to someone’s cranium.
It happens a few times a week, too. I open the cabinet, needing to throw something away, and find a full garbage bag just sitting there, mocking me.
Now call me crazy, but when I see that one of the pails are full, I take the garbage out of the pail, tie it off, and then PUT A NEW BAG IN THE PAIL TO NOT COMPLETELY FUCK OVER THE NEXT PERSON WHO NEEDS TO USE IT.
Look, I understand that sometimes the garbage is heavy, and she’s all girly-girl and I’m all bulging-biceps-manly-man, but just leaving it there really peeves me.
I think it really gets my goat because leaving the full trash bag there is just her way of leaving me a message. The message being, “Hey shithead… this garbage is full…. Be useful and take it outside for me!”
I GET that. I do. And I’m happy to do it. And you know what? I DO do it. Every damn time I open the garbage pail and see it’s full, I’m not one of those fucks who just cram whatever shit I had in my hands down into the bag, looking to magically create more space in there.
No, I take out the trash and replace the bag.
Like EVERYBODY should.
Because, I’m a caring, sensitive human being who cares about the garbage-creating needs of my fellow human beings. I’m not some cold, insensitive, trash-creating monstrosity sent here from the future to kill my mother ensuring I will have never been born so the Terminators from the Cyberdine Corporation can have dominion over the post-apocalyptic world of the future.
Wait, I think I got a little confused there at the end. Were we talking about robots taking over the world, or taking out the garbage?
Fuck, I knew I shouldn’t have fallen asleep drunk while watching that Schwarzenegger marathon last night……