Thursday, September 15, 2011

Garbage Is A Dirty Business

You might think that someone who looks as beautiful as I do would be EXTREMELY high maintenance, but I’m here to humbly report that just isn’t true.

On the contrary, I am about as easy going about the ‘little things’ as they come.

In fact, if YOU were the girl who hit the jackpot in the Lottery of Life and married me, you would feel so damn lucky to be alive, that every morning you would wake with a smile on your face, jump out of bed, and do a cartwheel to celebrate your incredible good fortune.

My point being is that I REALLY don’t demand a lot from the person I live with. I really don’t. Basically, as long as you don’t throw poo on the walls or try to cut off my wee-wee in my sleep, we’re good.

Oh, and there’s one other thing you’ll have to do for me…….

When you fill up one of the garbage pails in the kitchen, could you for Fuck’s sake please replace the pail with a new trash bag?

Because, I’m not a murdering type of man, but so help me, if I have my hands full ONE MORE TIME with something I need to throw away and slide open the cabinet in our kitchen that contains our garbage pail, only to discover AGAIN that the garbage bag is full, tied shut, AND JUST SITTING THERE, I do believe I am going to take an icepick to someone’s cranium.

It happens a few times a week, too. I open the cabinet, needing to throw something away, and find a full garbage bag just sitting there, mocking me.

Now call me crazy, but when I see that one of the pails are full, I take the garbage out of the pail, tie it off, and then PUT A NEW BAG IN THE PAIL TO NOT COMPLETELY FUCK OVER THE NEXT PERSON WHO NEEDS TO USE IT.

Look, I understand that sometimes the garbage is heavy, and she’s all girly-girl and I’m all bulging-biceps-manly-man, but just leaving it there really peeves me.

I think it really gets my goat because leaving the full trash bag there is just her way of leaving me a message. The message being, “Hey shithead… this garbage is full…. Be useful and take it outside for me!”

I GET that. I do. And I’m happy to do it. And you know what? I DO do it. Every damn time I open the garbage pail and see it’s full, I’m not one of those fucks who just cram whatever shit I had in my hands down into the bag, looking to magically create more space in there.

No, I take out the trash and replace the bag.

Like EVERYBODY should.

Because, I’m a caring, sensitive human being who cares about the garbage-creating needs of my fellow human beings. I’m not some cold, insensitive, trash-creating monstrosity sent here from the future to kill my mother ensuring I will have never been born so the Terminators from the Cyberdine Corporation can have dominion over the post-apocalyptic world of the future.

Wait, I think I got a little confused there at the end. Were we talking about robots taking over the world, or taking out the garbage?

Fuck, I knew I shouldn’t have fallen asleep drunk while watching that Schwarzenegger marathon last night……

30 comments:

2abes said...

I think its a female thing...do you ever grab for a jar in the fridge only to find out that the top was not screwed back on, but simply placed there? yeah...i thought so. Or maybe you just sit on your throne take a manly crap and then realize that theres only a 1/2 a sheet left on the roll.....

B.E. Earl said...

I'm going to go ahead and disagree with you. I'm the one in our house who takes out the garbage. Every time. There has not been a time, to my knowledge, where Gia has take the garbage out of the bin in the kitchen and brought it out to the garbage cans outside. Or the garbage cans outside to the curb for the garbage men to pick up. And when I do it, I almost never put in a fresh bag. The way I figure it, the next person (whether it's Gia or I) that needs to through something away can put in the new bag. No big deal.

So you would hate living with me. Except for the sex, I mean.

sybil law said...

I not only frequently take the garbage out, I also replace the pail with a new bag! The nights where I DON'T take it out to the garbage can outside (because I'm not wearing shoes or whatever), my husband will, but he damn near NEVER puts a new bag in , and it makes me CRAZY.

B.E. Earl said...

Ugh...I spelled "throw" like "through". Idiot.

Slyde said...

abes: dont get me started on the toilet paper thing..

earl: yeah, but at LEAST you remove the bag... i'm left with a full bag sitting there laughing at me..

sybil: see? thats why we are compatible.. and more than just sexually.

Annabelle said...

Awe...Oscar...my first grumpy man crush.

I must be married to Earl. I never take out and he never replaces bag.

I am slightly disappointed to learn cartwheels are possible in the morning. I'd hoped to be much to sore from our morning lovin'. Beats an alarm clock.

Paula said...

I get you, I honestly do.I hate it when someone is before you with the bin and they see its full but because you're about to throw something away after, they leave it for you.

Although my peeve is people who speed up to be in front of you - walking and driving- and then for no reason start walking/driving slowly. UUUUUGGGHHHHHH!

It's just douche behaviors. lol.

sugar-free-thoughts.com said...

OHMYFUCKINGGOD my husband NEVER puts a new bag in!! I totally appreciate that he takes the trash out, but what the shit is so difficult about putting a new bag in????? I need answers!!!

Slyde said...

anna: when you say things like that, my love, you make my pants very tight. very tight indeed.

paula: yeah that drives me batty too..

sugar: maybe he could marry my wife, and then we would be free to hook up? i think we'd all be happier...

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Ummm, I'm guilty of both. I have left the full garbage bag tied in the cabinet, I have taken the bag to the garage and not put in a new liner either.

It's a fricken pain in the ass, but it's usually me doing the garbage. safe to say I'm doing this shit to myself.

Wow, I never really looked at it that way.
I need to be more considerate of my own feelings.

Marlene said...

Guess I must be the perfect woman...ha ha ha. Not only do I replace the freaking garbage bag with a new one every time it gets filled - I also take all the garbage out to the curb. Yeah, I know. I'm perfect.

Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

You sound like my mom now.

Strangely, it turns me on.

AlleyCat said...

bahahaaaa so long as the robots take out the rubbish they can stay. we share rubbish putting out; I'm the one who replaces the bin liner. Apparently he doesn't know where they live (except when he gets one out to put his dirty bike gear in!!!!!!) Drives me mad!!!!!!!!!! along with the lids not on plastic containers, empty milk carton in the fridge & not rinsing the basin properly after brushing (or shaving) grrrrr!!!

The Accidental Somebody said...

You have my infinite permission to be pissed about this issue. I would be too.

You're welcome.

:)

radioactive girl said...

So far you would be ok with me because I do take out the garbage and I also put the new bag in there every time. I can't really think of any things that drive me bananas. Probably because I do almost everything myself so I do it the way I want it and don't have to get irritated at anyone else.

MarkD60 said...

If I forget to put a new trashcan liner in after I take out the garbage, my wife whoops me like a stepchild.
It's just so hard to forget sometimes, I walk all the way out there with the garbage, then I have to walk all the way back. Who can remember what they were doing?

Slyde said...

candy: yes, you do... you arent being very fair to yourself!

marlene: i'd say i agree.. that would make you just about perfect!

lemons: now i'm not sure if i should be turned on, or seek counseling...

alley: yeah, i get yelled at about the shaving thing all the time. but thats different... thats MY laziness!

radio: thats probably the best way to keep your sanity when your living with someone.

mark: yeah, i know. sometimes i walk out there to put the garbage out, and i just keep walking.

Once they found me in New Zealand.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I do *everything* here, but lawn maintenance, changing light bulbs and taking out trash. Every afternoon, the Evil Twin strolls in from work and I say "Trash is full!" and he says "Shocker. Stop the presses." Because we are the trashiest family in the neighborhood! :-)

meleah rebeccah said...

"Fuck, I knew I shouldn’t have fallen asleep drunk while watching that Schwarzenegger marathon last night…… "

AHHAHAHHAHHAH! Ahahhaahah!

You crack me up!

Slyde said...

evil: i always knew you were a trashy girl! :)

Meleah: see? i make you laugh.. thats how i know we're perfect together...

Slyde said...

accidental: sorry, we cross posted before and i missed you. Thanks for the confirmation... i need hot chicks to tell me when i do something right.. Lord knows it doesnt happen often...

Lotus07 said...

I can only assume that it must have taken you a very long time to find a wife that didn't want cut off your wee wee.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Congratulations!

You are a winner. Come visit and email me on info@redpepa.za.net

Bouncin' Barb said...

I throw a bunch of extra bags in the bottom of the can, and that way when you remove the full bag, you can put up a new one right away. It really helps. If she throws you out you can come live with me. As long as you put the seat down!!!! Fun post.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

"every morning you would wake with a smile on your face, jump out of bed, and do a cartwheel to celebrate your incredible good fortune."

I do that anyway.

JUST KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry about the garbage. :-(

Kimberly said...

*bowing head in shame....

I'm that girl.
Yup.
Totally.
But at least I can blame my disabled-ness on it.
So I guess I win.

Jessica Thompson said...

Maybe it's a girl thing haha

elisecrets said...

I feel the same way about people that DON'T REPLACE THE LOO ROLL!!

Seriously, when you get to the cardboard roll, thats the queue to got and get another roll out and attache it to the loo roll holder. How hard is that?

Kimberly said...

Same shit, different day. It seems that taking the garbage out is the easier part. Putting a trash bag back in the bin is the troublesome part.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

You still haven't contacted me, dude. Email me: info@redpepa.za.net