Thursday, September 08, 2011

Bureaucracy In Action

First things first…. I’m Back!

After 7 days of living like the sexiest Amish dude EVER, I finally got my mother-humpin’ power back on late Saturday night. Seven days of not being able to do important stuff like pay my online bills, or look at midget porn! I swear I don’t know how I did it.

Anyway, as the Summer draws to a close, I finally decided to do something I’ve wanted to do for years.

No, it’s NOT to finally get my self-help book, “Men With Big Peens and How They Cope”, published. I still need to come up with a final chapter for THAT.

No, I have finally decided to get rid of our above-ground pool, and get a nice, honkin’ in-ground pool. I’m going the Full Monty with it, too. Salt water, solar heating system, spa jet bench…. The works.

So, I’ve begun the long (and costly) process to get this started.

The first step was trying to obtain the permits from the town. I filled out all the proper paperwork, and in 2 weeks time, I got a call from the town saying that I could come on down to pick up the permit.

This is the conversation that took place with Town Clerk Millie once I got there…..

Stud: Hi! I’m here to pick up my permit.

Millie: Ok, that will be $58.25.

Stud: Ok, here’s my credit card.

Millie: I’m sorry… we don’t take credit cards.

Stud: Really?

Millie: Really.

Stud: Well, I don’t have the cash on me.

Millie: I’m sorry sir, but you’ll have to come back when you have the money…..

So, at this point I’m already peeved off. I mean, C’mon…. what business doesn’t take credit cards in today’s world, besides prostitutes? And believe me, if you had SEEN Millie, you would be pretty darn sure that she was NO ONE’S prostitute….

Anyway, I walked outside, frustrated, when what do I spy in the lobby of the Town Hall?


You would think, for someone who probably has to give the “We don’t take credit” speech a gazillion fucking times a day, she might have thought to mention to me that THERE IS A MOTHER FUCKING ATM ABOUT 20 FEET AWAY!!!!

Anyway, I was just happy to be able to get the cash. I took out $60 and returned to my good friend Millie.

Stud: Hi! I’m back!

Millie: Great. That will be $58.25.

Stud: Here’s $60.

Millie: I’m sorry sir, but I can’t make change.

Stud: What?

Millie: We don’t make change…. It’s exact change only.

Stud: Are you fucking with me?

Millie: No sir. We don’t make change.

Stud: Ooooooook, then just keep the $1.75.

Millie: What?

Stud: Yeah, keep it. Buy yourself a new blouse for something.

Millie: Sir, I can’t do that.

Stud: Sure you can… it’ll be our secret.

Millie: I’m sorry sir, but I could get fired.

Stud: Not because of me, you won’t. I promise that I will take this scandal to my grave!

But no matter what I said, no matter HOW much charm I oozed on this old bat, she wouldn’t budge.

So, now I have to make ANOTHER trip there tomorrow to get my damn permit.

Anyone have a quarter?


meleah rebeccah said...

Hooray for electricity!

Oh man, I am going to be so jealous of your in-ground pool!

WTF. Who doesn't accept credit cards?

And then they demanded EXACT change?


2abes said...

You must have interviewed a bunch of people to get the information needed to write your book. BTW, all town halls suck. With all the friggin taxes we pay, you would think they would be able perform some simple electronic transactions!

Slyde said...

meleah: it was crazy, i tells ya!

abes: Not quite a bunch....

Verdant Earl said...

I can't wait for this selp-help book. Just so you stop bugging me for information on how I cope with my hog. I know you have no idea, dude...but just use your imagination for crissakes.

sybil law said...

I'll bet tomorrow the price will be $63.09 or some shit.
Seriously. That's ridiculous!!

Slyde said...

earl: i think you made a type. you typed "cope" instead of "find"

sybil: next time im just brining 100,000 pennies to be safe...

Marlene said...

Another example of stupidity in the human race! People who follow every rule down to the freakin' "T". Seriously, if I worked at a place that requires "exact change only", in order to not only make the customer's life easier, but to make MY OWN JOB easier, I'd either demand a cash drawer with plenty of small bills and coin or make sure I had some of my own!

I like your idea best. Pay it in pennies!! That way she'll have lots of change for the next poor sap!

P.S. I'm coming swimming in your pool when it's done. I'm green with envy.

Bruce Johnson said...

Here, you have in a nut shell, the reasons why I can't wait to get out of government work. It is like this everywhere. I knew the minute you said you had to go and pay for something that nothing would go correctly as planned.

I have to assume that the ATM machine had a hefty usage fee on it that you got charge for, and there should be a snack bar in the basement selling $3 Payday bars for you to make change. It is the way government works.

And think about much easier is it to commit fraud with cash. How many quarters and dimes to they lose between the teller and the city treasurers office? I mean really. Take a hike into the 21st century.

themajessty said...

You made a grave mistake.

After posting that picture, male readers won;t care if you're back or not. They'll just want to go and wash their hands.

But I'm glad you're back. You always make me smile.

Good luck with the permit.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

YOu should start a Sponsor account so that your bloggers can contribute towards your Pool Fund!

Just an idea!

Radioactive Tori said...

Are you kidding me? She couldn't make change???? Crazy!

And also, prostitutes do take credit cards a lot of times. That's kind of how I found out about my husband...if they take credit cards they have the info and when the company gets busted they publish the client info on the internet. Super awesome, right? Because that's one I want to try to explain when my kids randomly google him some day and it pops up.

Anyway, I'm glad you have power again and hopefully you will get that permit the next time you try and there won't be any other crazy rules no one told you about like "we don't accept dimes" or something.

Slyde said...

marlene: you, my dear, are cordially invited!

lotus: you know, bruce, when i wrote this i thought of you. Not in a gay way, either (for once)

lemons: thats true. when i look at that picture, i realize that i could give a fuck about the permit...

daft: OOOH, now THERE'S an idea... how much do you think you guys would give me?

radio: wow, that really sucks. i have to say that i didnt know that about your ex. That couldnt have been easy....

Heff said...

Fuck Millie, and FUCK A PERMIT.

I just build shit and don't tell anyone.

Cocaine Princess said...

Congrats to your electricity coming back-- just in time for the season finale of True Blood.

Millie sounds like a ball of sunshine!!

Unknown said...

I suppose I'm not enamored by the fact they don't accept credit cards, but not accepting anything but exact change is too extreme. What an experience.

MarkD60 said...

When you go back next time, they won't take cash. Certified check.

Chris H said...

That is just nuts!
I would have spat the dummy for sure.
Exact change? Who the hell carries around real cash nowdays I ask you!

OH and I hope you are going to give us progress photos of the pool installation?
I wish and dream of a real pool! *sniff*

Lisa said...

So many questions. First -- how did you find me? Secondly, how in THEEE HELL could Millie and/or her superiors NOT have some sort of contingency plan for the fact that people were inevitably going to come to that office with nothing but a credit card, then use the nearby ATM, then immediately come back with a round figure in cash?

I'll get to the rest of my questions later, along with some more of your blog posts, since I loved this one.

Thanks for visiting my blog.

Tamara said...

There are some things that are the same wherever you are in the world. Government bureacracy is one of them.

Jill said...

Wow! Just when you think life can't get any more bizarre!

Congrats on the future pool & on getting power back!