After 7 days of living like the sexiest Amish dude EVER, I finally got my mother-humpin’ power back on late Saturday night. Seven days of not being able to do important stuff like pay my online bills, or look at midget porn! I swear I don’t know how I did it.
Anyway, as the Summer draws to a close, I finally decided to do something I’ve wanted to do for years.
No, it’s NOT to finally get my self-help book, “Men With Big Peens and How They Cope”, published. I still need to come up with a final chapter for THAT.
No, I have finally decided to get rid of our above-ground pool, and get a nice, honkin’ in-ground pool. I’m going the Full Monty with it, too. Salt water, solar heating system, spa jet bench…. The works.
So, I’ve begun the long (and costly) process to get this started.
The first step was trying to obtain the permits from the town. I filled out all the proper paperwork, and in 2 weeks time, I got a call from the town saying that I could come on down to pick up the permit.
This is the conversation that took place with Town Clerk Millie once I got there…..
Stud: Hi! I’m here to pick up my permit.
Millie: Ok, that will be $58.25.
Stud: Ok, here’s my credit card.
Millie: I’m sorry… we don’t take credit cards.
Stud: Well, I don’t have the cash on me.
Millie: I’m sorry sir, but you’ll have to come back when you have the money…..
So, at this point I’m already peeved off. I mean, C’mon…. what business doesn’t take credit cards in today’s world, besides prostitutes? And believe me, if you had SEEN Millie, you would be pretty darn sure that she was NO ONE’S prostitute….
Anyway, I walked outside, frustrated, when what do I spy in the lobby of the Town Hall?
You would think, for someone who probably has to give the “We don’t take credit” speech a gazillion fucking times a day, she might have thought to mention to me that THERE IS A MOTHER FUCKING ATM ABOUT 20 FEET AWAY!!!!
Anyway, I was just happy to be able to get the cash. I took out $60 and returned to my good friend Millie.
Stud: Hi! I’m back!
Millie: Great. That will be $58.25.
Stud: Here’s $60.
Millie: I’m sorry sir, but I can’t make change.
Millie: We don’t make change…. It’s exact change only.
Stud: Are you fucking with me?
Millie: No sir. We don’t make change.
Stud: Ooooooook, then just keep the $1.75.
Stud: Yeah, keep it. Buy yourself a new blouse for something.
Millie: Sir, I can’t do that.
Stud: Sure you can… it’ll be our secret.
Millie: I’m sorry sir, but I could get fired.
Stud: Not because of me, you won’t. I promise that I will take this scandal to my grave!
But no matter what I said, no matter HOW much charm I oozed on this old bat, she wouldn’t budge.
So, now I have to make ANOTHER trip there tomorrow to get my damn permit.