Tuesday, August 09, 2011
I’m mostly spending my hot summer nights doing what EVERY American does during this time…..
Enjoying the beach and pool, attending tons of outdoor parties and BBQ’s, and hosting a weekend Swingers Orgy and Clambake (pssst… try to get there early… you do NOT want to know where those clams have been past 6pm!)
Anyway, the OTHER thing that I like to do during these last few lazy, hazy days of summer is to stay up late to watch vampire movies. Actually, ANY horror movie will do, but lately I’ve been down with the Fang crowd.
So, I thought I’d tell you about the last 2 vampire flicks I took in.
First up was StakeLand.
This movie was good. Very good. It tells the story of a world that has collapsed due to the fact that a plague has turned 99% of the world into Vampires. A mysterious stranger, just called Mister, swoops in to save a teenage boy from a vampire massacre, and the 2 set off to find the last human refuge.
The movie was creepy. The vampires were kinda half zombie/half vamp, and I thought it worked really well. The movie was also dark and depressing, as these 2 lost souls really fight a losing battle. It was kinda like The Road, but with a supernatural twist.
The only thing I DIDN’T like about this movie was the actor who played Mister. I thought he was a TERRIBLE actor, and completely wrong for the part. He just didn’t seem to fit in the movie, and the otherwise exceptional cast, at all. THEN I looked at the credits and it all suddenly made sense. The dude who played Mister was also the dude who wrote the movie, so I guess he just stuck himself into the film and decided to play the bad-ass hero. He did a piss-poor job of it, I thought.
But that was just a small quibble to an otherwise awesome movie.
Next up, I decided to watch Bitten.
I decided to watch bitten for 2 reasons:
1) It was a vampire movie with a picture of a hot girl on the cover.
2) It starred Jason Mewes, the “Jay” of “Jay and Silent Bob” fame, and I just HAD to see how such a brain-dead burnout could pull off a leading man role.
In the end, he did pretty well.
Make no mistake, this movie is no Stakeland. It’s more comedy than horror, but I thought Mewes did a good enough job to keep me entertained.
In Bitten, Mewes plays a graveyard-shift ambulance EMT worker who one night finds a girl, bloody and half dead, in a dumpster. For some reason, he decides to take her home with him instead of the hospital, where wouldn’t you know it, she turns out to be a vampire!
Most of the next 90 minutes revolve around Jason trying to satiate the blood-hunger of his now live-in vampire/girlfriend.
I can’t say it was a great movie, but it kept me interested.
And 90% of that interest revolved around the main character, Erica Cox, who is now HANDS DOWN the damn SEXIEST woman in Hollywood. According to me, at least.
I’m not kidding…. This chick melts the screen. She is SO damn hot, and it doesn’t hurt that she gets naked a lot and does naughty things with other girls in the movie. I think I’m a little in love with her now. It might even be BEYOND love. If there was a place I could send her my credit card, I think I’d happily slap a stamp on it and mail it to her, just to make her happy.
Anyway, I think I need to take a cold shower now. Hopefully Erica reads this soon and comes over to join me.
p.s. I also finally got to watch Insidious. While not a vampire movie, it IS one of the creepiest damn movies I’ve seen in a while. Scared the Bejeesus outta me a few times. Definitely check that out, too.