Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Once Bitten, Twice Shy

So, here we all are in the Dog Days of Summer….

I’m mostly spending my hot summer nights doing what EVERY American does during this time…..

Enjoying the beach and pool, attending tons of outdoor parties and BBQ’s, and hosting a weekend Swingers Orgy and Clambake (pssst… try to get there early… you do NOT want to know where those clams have been past 6pm!)

Anyway, the OTHER thing that I like to do during these last few lazy, hazy days of summer is to stay up late to watch vampire movies. Actually, ANY horror movie will do, but lately I’ve been down with the Fang crowd.

So, I thought I’d tell you about the last 2 vampire flicks I took in.

First up was StakeLand.

I had heard rumblings about this small indy movie all over the interwebs about 6 months ago, so like a good little fanboy I put it on my Netflix queue and waited patiently for it to be released, which it finally was as of last week.

This movie was good. Very good. It tells the story of a world that has collapsed due to the fact that a plague has turned 99% of the world into Vampires. A mysterious stranger, just called Mister, swoops in to save a teenage boy from a vampire massacre, and the 2 set off to find the last human refuge.

The movie was creepy. The vampires were kinda half zombie/half vamp, and I thought it worked really well. The movie was also dark and depressing, as these 2 lost souls really fight a losing battle. It was kinda like The Road, but with a supernatural twist.

The only thing I DIDN’T like about this movie was the actor who played Mister. I thought he was a TERRIBLE actor, and completely wrong for the part. He just didn’t seem to fit in the movie, and the otherwise exceptional cast, at all. THEN I looked at the credits and it all suddenly made sense. The dude who played Mister was also the dude who wrote the movie, so I guess he just stuck himself into the film and decided to play the bad-ass hero. He did a piss-poor job of it, I thought.

But that was just a small quibble to an otherwise awesome movie.

Next up, I decided to watch Bitten.

I decided to watch bitten for 2 reasons:

1) It was a vampire movie with a picture of a hot girl on the cover.

2) It starred Jason Mewes, the “Jay” of “Jay and Silent Bob” fame, and I just HAD to see how such a brain-dead burnout could pull off a leading man role.

In the end, he did pretty well.

Make no mistake, this movie is no Stakeland. It’s more comedy than horror, but I thought Mewes did a good enough job to keep me entertained.

In Bitten, Mewes plays a graveyard-shift ambulance EMT worker who one night finds a girl, bloody and half dead, in a dumpster. For some reason, he decides to take her home with him instead of the hospital, where wouldn’t you know it, she turns out to be a vampire!

Most of the next 90 minutes revolve around Jason trying to satiate the blood-hunger of his now live-in vampire/girlfriend.

I can’t say it was a great movie, but it kept me interested.

And 90% of that interest revolved around the main character, Erica Cox, who is now HANDS DOWN the damn SEXIEST woman in Hollywood. According to me, at least.

I’m not kidding…. This chick melts the screen. She is SO damn hot, and it doesn’t hurt that she gets naked a lot and does naughty things with other girls in the movie. I think I’m a little in love with her now. It might even be BEYOND love. If there was a place I could send her my credit card, I think I’d happily slap a stamp on it and mail it to her, just to make her happy.

Anyway, I think I need to take a cold shower now. Hopefully Erica reads this soon and comes over to join me.

p.s. I also finally got to watch Insidious. While not a vampire movie, it IS one of the creepiest damn movies I’ve seen in a while. Scared the Bejeesus outta me a few times. Definitely check that out, too.


Paticus said...

We saw "Insidious" this weekend too...Very creepy...But I thought the story was kinda lacking something. But DEFINITELY some good creepy moments in it. Haven't seen the other two...To the Netflix queue I go!

2abes said...

is Cox her real name or a hollywood handle? sounds more like her porn handle! I can see the reason for the infatuation. she is quite the looker. Jay stepped in some lucky shit when he met Kevin Smith.

sybil law said...

So not into vampire movies, overall. I'd do the Cox chick, though.

Unknown said...

Wouldya just look at those pert little boobies?

Slyde said...

pat: the only real problem i had with insidious is that i thought it went off the rails a bit at the ending.. other than that, i loved it.

abes: every time she took her top off, i said the same thing. He would blow Kevin Smith every chance he gets...

sybil: please stop saying things like that.. i dont need any more frustrating dreams from you, girl!

anna: thats nuthin. She flashes those puppies all throughout the movie. She is quite the pert little one...

Verdant Earl said...

Wow...I was gonna call you today to see if you had seen Stake Land yet. I haven't, and I got rid of my DVD subscription on Netflix. But it's on Amazon On Demand and I was thinking of renting it tonight. This seals the deal.

Bruce Johnson said...

I never could get into the whole horror genre, and always wondered why it was so popular, until I did some reseach on it.

Found out that most young men take their dates to horror films, becuase the anxiety and fear, heightens the female libido and makes it more likely that the women will 'put out' after the film. (I wish I had known this in High School....on second thought, better off that I didn't).

Which brings to mind the question, since you are married and have a son, why do you constantly watch these goul fests? The answer is obvious....

....you're gay.

Honestly, think about it.

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Slyde said...

earl: yeah, i meant to call you today but i got held up. i am going to miss my dvd subscription, for sure. ive got it for 1 or 2 more movies, and thats it.

bruce: its about time you finally figured me out... how many hints is a gal supposed to throw out there?

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meleah rebeccah said...

have fun with you Swingers Orgy and Clambake. As for scary movies? No thank you!

BB said...

I can't picture Jay without Silent Bob. He looks good with short hair in the pic. Thanks for the suggestions. With my weird neighbors down on the end I keep garlic around my neck at night. You never know!!!

Marlene said...

Oh, you do make me laugh! Especially with the comment about the clams...lol!

Enjoy your vampire movies, dude. They're a little to scary for me. I'd have nightmares all night...and that would not be a good thing.

Slyde said...

meleah: cmon, girl... a good scary movie will do wonders for you.

barb: yeah, jay really impressed me with this movie... of course, he had nowhere to go but up in terms of public opinion..

marlene: im saving a clam just for you...

Unknown said...

Interesting post, Slyde. Not that I would expect anything less from you. I would have been skeptical about "Jay" being in the movie, but I'm glad to hear that he did a good job. Figured it would never have another movie gig honestly. Suppose one of these days we will check out that movie. But, Biten doesn't exactly look appealing, personally. I'll be honest, Vampires aren't really my thing, and what is with it being so "hott" to be in a Vampire movie. When Megan Fox was in that movie "Vampire" - honestly, any like for her went down the drain. haha.

Unknown said...

correction - I think the movie was called Jennifer's Body or something. Either way, didn't even watch it the previews said enough - haha.

Anonymous said...

There's something so sexy about Vampires... Its all about The Interview With The Vampire :D

Brad Pitt made me melt in that movie. It's a pitty he didn't strip like the hot girl in Bitten. Totally unfair that guys see more naked-girl on screen than girls see naked-guy

Slyde said...

Kristina: for what its worth, i thought "jennifer's body" was an ok film, and i thought she did pretty well in it.

Elise: I loved those books. the movie was ok, but the second and third books, vampire lestat and queen of the damned, were good reads...

Chris H said...

I do not share your love of horror/vampire type movies at all.... each to their own eh.