Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Lifetime Channel Sucks

What’s up with all you chicks and the Lifetime channel, anyway?

Seriously, I just can’t wrap my mind around what the Hell keeps you guys coming back to that channel, time after time, to watch one crappy movie after another.

Every fucking night, I try to wrench the remote from Friz, so I can watch something of substance, like Die Hard, and I am inevitably greeted with “You can watch your stupid show when MY movie is done.”

Then I look at the screen, and of course I see that damnable Lifetime logo on the bottom…..

But hey, I’m a reasonable person. I’ll often sit down on the couch, and see if this movie that has her so engrossed is anything actually worth watching.


What’s that, you say? You won’t be home tonight to be able to watch the Thursday night movie on Lifetime?

Well, I don’t have a TV Guide in front of me, but let me take a wild stab at what tonight’s movie will be about….

1) A wife gets into a car accident and gets amnesia. Watch her painful struggle as she tries to remember who the fuck she is, while she starts a new life somewhere else and bangs someone who isn’t her husband…..

2) A wife gets roughed up a lot by her abusive husband. Watch her painful struggle as tries to leave a bad marriage, while she starts banging a new guy who is NOT her husband, but seems really swell….

3) A wife has a painful secret from her youth. Usually that means that she either murdered someone in self defense, or she was a hooker (or both!). Watch her painful struggle as she is blackmailed into banging someone in order to keep him quiet, while she struggles to keep her family together.


Over and over and over.

Different casts, different locations, people wear different hats and shit, but it’s basically the SAME DAMN premises again and again!

I can’t fucking stand it anymore. I honestly don’t understand how you gals can sit thru this dreck again and again…..

The best part is that Friz doesn’t even seem to remember which ones she’s seen and which ones she hasn’t seen already. Sometimes I’ll ask to use the TV, and she tells me that she is in the middle of a movie, and I’ll take a gander at the screen only to see Melissa Gilbert getting chased through a forest AND I KNOW DAMN WELL THAT SHE WATCHED THIS SAME SHITTY MOVIE TWO DAMN MONTHS AGO!

When I tell her that she’s seen this one already, all I’m given as a reply is, “Really? Yeah this DID seem kinda familiar. But I don’t remember how it ends so I still want to watch it.”

How it ends? HOW IT ENDS?

It ends with Melissa Gilbert getting away and starting a new life! JUST LIKE EVERY FUCKING ONE OF THESE SHITCAN MOVIES END!

And while we’re on the topic of Melissa Gilbert, what the fuck is up with her being in EVERY damn one of these movies, anyway? I thought Hollywood was FULL of washed up 70’s actresses…. Why the hell do they have to keep plowing THAT same field over and over again? Geez, give someone else their big break, won’t ya?

Seriously, this crappy channel is cutting into my time to watch REAL quality programming….

I just got Predator on Blu-ray, for Gosh Sakes!!!!


Verdant Earl said...

She's not obsessed, but every once in a while Gia gets hooked on Lifetime movies too. Until I guilt her into handing over the remote.

Raquel's World said...

Oh you forgot a few story lines..

#4- Mom gives baby up for adoption, reunites years later. Or the babies were switched at birth. Or the surrogate changes her mind.

#5- car accident someone dies...years later the spouse of the car accident victim plots revenge against the family who was involved in the wreck

Unknown said...

Hold your fucking horses there, penis eater. Do not group us all as watchers of that shit.

I loathe Lifetime, the channel that hates men and wants depressed women to stay that way.

My ex (The Wrestler) his widowed mother drank beer and chained smoke while watching nothing but that fucking channel. It was so bad for her.

I will accept your apologies in the form of financial recompensations or a love poem. Your choice.

Slyde said...

earl: just be happy that you get to touch the remote...

raquel: yeah, definitly the adoption one. Usually Melissa Gilbert gave her kid up and now she needs to find her...

Slyde said...

anna: of course YOU are exempt... you are basically a carbon copy of me, without the big penis.

that sounded alot sexier in my head than here on the screen...

sybil law said...

Oh, Slyde.
I do NOT watch Lifetime. I DO make fun of it, though. I remember a promo for it years ago, with Tori Spelling as the star -"Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?", was the title, and it's fucking awful but I SWEAR I am not making it up!
Hell no.
I barely watch tv, anyway, so I am definitely not watching THAT shit channel.

Slyde said...

good for you. I think i came across that Tori Spelling one in my google search for the banner pic.

Arnab Majumdar said...

That's a good rant, if I've ever seen one! I'm not too sure what the Lifetime Channel is all about, but I looked it up (I was curious!) and right from the first view of the site, I knew everything you said about the show was bang on! :D

Thank goodness this channel doesn't come on where I live... but here, we've got something worse. While you have the same story wrapped around as movies that end in about 2-3 hours tops, we have the same shitcan stories packaged and labelled as Serials or Soaps, and they go on for years at a time! Consider yourself lucky, my friend :P hehehe

Arnab Majumdar on

Malka said...

I'd rather watch Die Hard or Predator any day. Not only do I have no interest in weepy Lifetime fare, but I hate chick flicks in general. Disaster, explosions, sweaty men with guns... yeah.

Radioactive Tori said...

My roommate in college used to watch that crap. You are correct when you say that they are just about all the same. I am laughing that she said she couldn't remember how it ended and wanted to watch it anyway. I have done that with CSI several times.

Slyde said...

arnab: oh, dont kid yourself.. we have tons of those crappy never-ending serials, too :(

malka: you had me at 'sweaty men with guns...'

radio: i definitely think thats a chick thing.. as soon as i realize i'm watching something that ive seen already, i turn it off quickly, with revulsion, like i just walked in on my grandma on the toilet...

Susan Higgins said...

Slyde... I couldn't agree with you more.

Pawn Stars... now that's a show!

SK Waller said...

Oh, I'm in love with you now. Some time ago I wrote a blog entry called, So You Want To Write A Lifetime Movie.

I haven't watched in over two years, so I wasn't aware that Melissa Gilbert had become the new Lifetime Queen. Looks like nothing else has changed, though.

Congrats on another blog entry that Had me laughing out loud. Literally, not that LOL crap.

The Accidental Somebody said...

No Lifetime here either...BLECH! I am wondering however, how do you know SO much about this channel which you despise as much as you do? Hmmmm? Closet Lifetimer maybe?

ChrisM said...

If it's not Lifetime, then it's the shows on TLC: Hoarders, 239 kids and counting, etc.

At least Survivor starts soon :)

Slyde said...

sue: thats one i havent seen yet.. heard good things tho.

steph: consider any love to be mutual :)

accidental: maybe i am.... and MAYBE I AM!

Chrism: Yup, Sep 16th, i think. Although i'm not excited to see Coach again...

Heff said...

I gotta hand it to you, dude -


and what IS IT about women's brains that they enjoy watching the SAME SHIT over and over again ?

I must admit, I hit the channel ONCE, to watch Jennifer Love-Hertits in "The Client List".

The potential visual of Hewitt BLOWING COCK as the police broke down the door to bust her ass was too much for me to deny.

I digress....

Tracy said...

I would pick Die Hard 1,2,or 3 over that channel any day.
I call these weak women movies, lol.

Marlene said...

Ha ha ha!! I've gotta say....hubby would agree 100% with you! I can't remember the last time I watched one of these. I'm sure it was during a "hormonal" week!

meleah rebeccah said...

Lifetime movies = THE WORST!!

Bruce Johnson said...

This is the newest twist on marketing and I have seen it in spades or late. Cable television hones in on one specific female anxiety disorder and milks it, milks it, milks it to death.

My wife does the same thing. But her fascination is any woman kidnapped and raped and or murdered. She was all over that J.C. Dugard special on ABC, along with Elizabeth Smart and any other sordid murder mystery on Dateline. It is all sort of morbid.

A&E is sort of the same way with guys. Last night it was a show on how to survive the coming apocalypse with loonies who built bomb shelters in their basements, waiting for World War Z. Being prepared is one thing, be a survivalist is something else.

....the kicker was, that one of the 'people' building their bomb shelter was a transgendered man (now living as a woman) and the was freaking out about where he would get his hormone treatments once the end of the world comes. I kid you not. And people WATCH this stuff.

We have sunk lower as a society than I ever thought we could have.

Anonymous said...

Ok, I'll admit it... I sometimes will catch a Lifetime flick every so often.

I hardly every flick on the old tube anymore since television has sunk to unimaginable levels of stupidity.

Those Lifetime movies kind of remind me of the made for TV movies that CBS, NBC and ABC used to present decades ago. Of course I much prefer the old network movies over the modern day Lifetime's fare.

But in this era of 500+ channels and virtually nothing to watch, a Lifetime movie seems in order if I'm in the mood for some not-so-often TV viewing.

I will say that the quality of Lifetime Television is diminishing more and more. I just saw a promo of yet another new "reality" show to be released titles: Catering Wars. Just how dumb do these producers, program packagers and networks think we are? Apparently the TV/cable industry isn't so dumb. They're cashing in on dumb programming to serve the dullards who'll make time to watch the crap.

I hate to accept the fact that there are so many idiotic beings that watch these hare brained "reality" shows producing the high ratings, giving more fuel to the fire, to churn out more of this egregious programming.

Getting back to Lifetime's movie production, as inferior as some of the story lines are, at least these movies are still crafted with some degree of imagination. These films aren't pretentious in nature and you actually have to think to follow the plots.

So we can express our displeasure for some of Lifetime's films, but I'll take watching ANY Lifetime movie over ANY cheap, mindless, embarrassing inferior "reality" show.

Red said...

"Those Lifetime movies kind of remind me of the made for TV movies that CBS, NBC and ABC used to present decades ago."

Most of them are RERUN ON LIFETIME A *LOT*.

And so are a lot of rape-and-murder dramas from the CBC, so you can get a dose of foreign culture.

Anonymous said...

Strong bump. Just wanted to say lifetime is still shit.

Anonymous said...

Cool? Please don't use the Internet anymore. I got minor cancer from this comment.