Thursday, August 04, 2011

Going Commando

I have a tiny confession to make.

And no, you Smart-Alec’s, it’s NOT that I am SMOLDERINGLY sexy. THAT wouldn’t be much of a cat to let out of the bag, now would it?

No, this particular confession is of a more ‘private’ nature.

What is it, you might ask?

It’s that I don’t like underwear.

That’s actually probably a bit too mild. I HATE underwear.

It’s not that I hate the IDEA of underwear. I think that whoever invented the first pair of underwear really had his head in the right place (in someone’s CROTCH!.... Bada-bing! Thank you! Thank you! I’ll be here all night! Remember to tip your waitresses!).

I mean, the CONCEPT of underwear is spot-on. I guess in theory it’s a good idea to keep your naughty-bits all protected and free from flapping all over creation. Especially when I wear a pair of Daisy Dukes or Hot Pants. THEN there’s a SERIOUS concern with Mr. Wiggles popping out to say “How do ya do?”

So yeah, I GET the thought behind having to wear underwear.

I just don’t like wearing it.

I find that it’s very binding and uncomfortable. When I’m at work, I always find myself squirming around in my seat because my damn underwear just doesn’t feel right. I feel like I’m too confined and restricted.

My boys want to be FREE, dammit!

Granted, it’s probably not much of an issue for the ‘average’ guy, but as you all know, I have an especially large Hoo-Ha and I don’t think that modern science has yet to invent a fabric flexible enough to contain all that power trapped in there. Maybe they could make me a pair of Underoos from that stuff that they use to coat the Space Shuttle? Or maybe Flubber?

Or maybe I could just start wrapping my privates in Cellophane?

In any event, there are days where I just decide not to wear any underwear at all.

I’m always worried on those days. I have these thoughts that I am going to get into a car accident, and as a crowd of people gather around me as I’m laid out on the street, the medics on the scene are going to have to give me emergency CPR or something, but for some reason they first pull my pants down to let me breathe better, and then the whole crowd will start to point and laugh as my Franks and Beans are laid out in all their glory on the hot asphalt.

The more I think about it, I realize that it doesn’t make much sense that a paramedic would pull my pants down to give me CPR. I know that I failed 8th grade Health class, but I’m pretty fucking sure that there’s nothing down there that you can blow air into.

Believe me, I’ve tried!

28 comments:

sybil law said...

You should definitely go with the cellophane idea.

Slyde said...

i'll need a hand, Sybil...

Annabelle said...

I say balls out, my friend, balls OUT.

Commando is the way to go...i should know ; p

Slyde said...

im with ya, sister. you're preaching to the choir!

Paticus said...

I'm not sure Hoo-Ha is a word you wanted to use...

Slyde said...

you make a good point...

2abes said...

i read this blog for insightful thoughts regarding world politics and the economy, not to find out that you don't like to wear panties. You need them to hold back the slight bulge if your (hoo ha is definetly wrong) decides to stretch out while your at work. it could couse a bit of a stir in the office.

Malka said...

Somehow I'm not surprised that you don't like bagging your cash and prizes.

Slyde said...

abes: 'slight' bulge?

malka: me either, really...

Chris H said...

The paramedics might cut your pants off cos you got a broken leg or whatever... it COULD happen!
Keep wearing underwear mate.. no one wants to have to critique your tackle!

Heff said...

You just keep your "tiny confession" in your PANTS, Dude !!

B.E. Earl said...

Don't you also have an anxiety that you forgot to put your pants on sometimes when you get to work? Add that to the commando thing and we've got a party!

Er, or what Heff said.

Marlene said...

Funniest post you have ever written!!! OMG, could it be true? I love penis humor!!!

Ashly Star said...

Free ball it, who cares? I often don't wear any undies if they're going to make me uncomfortable in the clothes I have on.

Of course, like you, I have an irrational fear about days I go without them. I'm almost certain someone will pants me even though my pants are never loose enough to make that easy. I'd swat them off me with a swift kick to the head before my pants even budged. Or I worry that I'll undoubtedly rip them in an awkward spot and then my ass will be visible to the world. Or maybe I'll get into an accident where my pants or ripped or worse yet just disintegrate some how leaving my skin unharmed.

Mostly, I just ignore all of those irrational but not impossible fears and just enjoy not having to squirm around and adjust anything.

radioactive girl said...

I failed 8th grade health class too! Not sure why I'm so proud of that.

Cellophane would be a terrible idea and kind of makes me sick to think about. Wouldn't it be all hot and sweaty but not at all in a good way?

Evil Twin's Wife said...

The Evil Twin likes his frank 'n beans to be snuggly tucked into his briefs. I really wouldn't care either way, only his manties mean more laundry for me.

Slyde said...

chrish: admit it, just once... you would.

heff: hey now... its a BIG confession...

earl: that is exactly true. im a neurotic mess..

marlene: i knew there was a reason i liked you :)

ashly: after you talked about someone pantsing you, i had to take a quick 'personal moment'... im back now.

radio: yeah, but it would keep well, even if i refigerated it..

evil: really? i cant imagine any man WANTING to wear them... they suck.

The Accidental Somebody said...

At least you don't have the worry about anything...er..dripping. More power to you!

Kim

Slyde said...

accidental: i suddenly feel much better about being a boy...

The Accidental Somebody said...

Of course you *boys* do have to worry about dangling and bouncing...but whateves. ;)

Slyde said...

yeah but when i have to start worry about leaking, im gonna go see a doctor

RoryBore said...

thanks for your comment....used to be in a beach volley ball league in Grand Bend (that's in Ontario, Canada, eh?). then I got married and had kids. I miss hanging on the beach all day. don't miss the volley-dollies much though. ha

so I thought I'd stop by - get the male pespective ya know, since I am normally immersed in the mommyblogger world. Yep, frank and beans. pretty much what I thought the male perspective was. LOL
But you're a good writer...I think you should do an ode to the "mighty sword."
hang free dude

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Isn't the fear supposed to be that you'll be in a car accident and have on dirty underwear? Like isn't that supposed to be the typical mom nagging? Change your underwear in case you get in a car accident? 'Cause I'm thinking that not only could that be where your car accident fear began but that by not wearing underwear at all, but you also manage to avoid that very danger by not wearing any.

To me the only drawback to not wearing underwear would be that if you wear underwear then you can get more than one day of wear out of a pair of pants. But if you don't wear underwear, than your pants really are acting as underwear and need to be washed daily.

And back to the car accident thing - I think if you're in enough danger that you are in need of CPR or otherwise being rescued by emergency people, the onlookers would be too concerned about your survival to be worried about whether or not you were wearing underwear. On the other hand, the paramedics see stuff like that every day, so maybe they would laugh about it later. Who knows.

Slyde said...

Rory: thanks for stopping by. yeah i get alot of looky-loos here who want to check out what a guy is doing in the world of mommy-blogging :)

jill: not ME! i dont care how serious the accident was, if i was an onlooker and the paramedics took off the victims pants, then i'd be looking!

jules said...

Underwear IS so contricting! I hear ya!

meleah rebeccah said...

underware really IS annoying!

elisecrets said...

I remember the summer days when it got really hot and I'd wear a flowy summer dress with nothing underneath

~sigh~

But em wouldn't you're em thingy get caught in your zip if you didn't protect it with underwear?

Slyde said...

jules: see? im not the only one!

melheah: another convert!

elise: and that makes 3...i could start my own coven!