Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Do I Amuse You?

Ok, full confession time here.

I FULLY intended to just phone one in today and put up a bullshit, easy-peasy post with a youtube clip that I found funny, but then Barb had to give me a shout out telling all the interwebs about how awesome I am, so NOW I feel compelled to actually WRITE something today.

Thanks a lot! What the Hell did I ever do to you?

Now I feel all sorts of pressure about what I’m going to write. I didn’t sign up for this. Barb just wrote all this stuff about how damn funny I am, and now I feel like the center stage is on me, because if someone from HER site reads about how poop-your-pants funny I am, and then comes over here and the first post they see is me talking about my grocery list, then they are going to think that I suck and never come back. It’s kinda like that one time in 3rd grade when I tripped over my shoelace in dodge ball and lost the game for my team. Those little shits ALWAYS picked me last after that! Every damn time! That’s a lot of stress for a little kid wearing Hulk Underoos to have to deal with, yo.

What the Hell was I talking about again?

Oh yeah, the pressure to be funny.

Actually, this whole thing reminds me of some friends that I used to have at my last job. Come to think of it, ‘Friends’ might be a bit too strong….. they were more like ‘co-workers who I didn’t mind spending some free time with’.


This group of people had this regular thing where they would get together once a month after work and have a big group dinner/night out. It wasn’t really a “Happy Hour” thing.. it was more like a big group meal. After I had been working there a few months, they started asking me to join them, so I did.

The problem is, these people loved being around me. I mean LOVED it. They thought I was funny as shit, and they only wanted me to join them so I could crack them up at dinner like I did around the office.

That’s cool. I learned a long time ago that my sense of humor got me in good with many people on the rare times when my movie-star good looks looks failed me.

The problem was that these people were SO damn annoying about it. No sooner would I walk in to dinner than the whole group would stare at me with these dopey-ass grins on their faces, just WAITING for me to say something funny. If I decided not to play along and not say anything, then they would attempt to bait me and set me up so I could deliver a funny punch line.

“So Slyde…. Can you believe what Kathy from accounting did today?”

Then the asshat who started it would stare at me with the world’s biggest shit-eating grin on their face, and I just KNEW he was thinking …

“Oh Boy Oh Boy Oh Boy! I just set him up big time! I can’t wait to hear what he says about that!”

And I would look out across the table, and see every damn one of these lemmings staring at me waiting for me to put on my comedy show.

And it would really piss me off.

I would just respond with a succinct “Yeah, that was sure something.” and go back to my meal. The crest-fallen looks I saw on everyone’s face told me that each one of these jerks were thinking “Hey, that wasn’t funny at all!” silently made my day.

Eventually, I got tired of being the main attraction for their evenings and stopped going to the dinners.

I just read this back and, in retrospect, a story about how I sometimes try NOT to be funny isn’t very fucking funny at all, but I just took 20 minutes to write it so Damn It All, you’re going to read it.

It really IS a challenge trying not to just coast thru life on my looks. It would be so damn easy, too. Like taking candy from a baby.


sybil law said...

You should've just posted a picture of your junk.
That would really crack them up!
Uh, I mean, keep them coming back.

meleah rebeccah said...

Yeah, the pressure to BE funny, makes me very UNFUNNY.

But, I am DYING laughing at Sybil's comment!

Slyde said...

sybil: awwww, cmon baby... i thought we had a thing...

meleah: dont egg her on. seriously.

Verdant Earl said...

Never EVER make fun of any of my lame posts again! This takes the cake.

BB said...

I was shocked to hear that some of my followers didn't know about you. How can they not know someone named Slyde? Great post and thanks for blaming me for your troubles!!! haha. You are what I said on my blog.

Slyde said...

earl: you're right. this post was MUCH lamer than posting the 10,000th picture of a cat.

barb: you're a sweetie.. thanks again.

2abes said...

I thought they invited you to pick up the dinner tab. has Earl really posted 10,000 pictures of his cat?

Slyde said...

no one knows for sure since no one can really shit thru all that shit...

Brandy Wilcoxen said...

I guess I'm lucky I have my looks cuz funny and me... I don't think funny and me have ever officially met.

Bruce Johnson said...

At first I was going to write a pretty sarcastic comment around the fact that people actually considered you funny, as in Down's Syndrome, Cleft-Palet funny,

But as I read further into this, I felt your pain. I used to be in the similar situation where I was the class clown and Mr. Fix-It, but after a while, I got sick and tired of others constantly harping on me to perform for them.

This eventually turned around and now I am known as a pretty rude and arrogant S.O.B., since it take it pretty badly if someone wants me to perform for them. I ain't your dancing bear asshole. Entertain yourself.

Susan Higgins said...

I do find some of your posts hilarious - when you write about Mini-me, you typically get a laugh from me. I also enjoy it when you rant about your neighbors. The house fire was a pretty funny post. Maybe if you put links to those posts, folks will see why we keep coming back.

Slyde said...

brandy: yeah, but you're a chick who's into zombies and stuff... your "cool" meter is pinned to the max!

bruce: i cannot picture you as the class clown. i'll need some outside confirmation on that one...

sue: yeah, for what its worth, i think im a hoot, too. i crack myself up, anyway, so either i think im funny, or im insane...

Unknown said...

Clowns are fucked up on the inside.

Marlene said...

dude, you don't even have to try...you're just naturally funny. (laughed my arse off at your dodgeball experience....sorry!)

Anonymous said...

I was laughing through most of the post, but I hate being the entertainment too. WHY are people so damn boring that they can't entertain themselves? I'm not funny though, I'm unintentionally funny. It's weird.

My flawless good looks are in hiding at the moment. Don't know what I did, must have been something I said. So now I have to be "intellegent" its suuuuch a drag :P

At least funny is a nice escape. And your little revenge cracked me right up.

themajessty said...

OF COURSE you amuse me.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

My husband is the office clown, but he's a Leo, so he can't help himself. Plus, he is a graphic designer and gets a huge kick out of photoshopping his co-workers' heads on random bodies, then sending it out in a group email. Yeah, he's 52 - what of it?

Slyde said...

anna: alittle on the outside, too...

marlene: let my pain be your pleasure (that sounds dirty)

paula: i dont think your good looks are anywhere CLOSE to hiding right now...

lemons: god, i hope so!

twin: a leo? funny? i'd have to see that to believe it.

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The Accidental Somebody said...

That was a terrible post...not funny at all. :/ KIDDING! Maybe people could hire you to be the life of the party, then you could be funny but see different faces at the table each time. And get rich of course.

You're welcome.

AlleyCat Runs said...

I don't even know why you asked!!!

Of course you amuse me!!!

Jill said...

Wow! I got all caught up in the rude kids with their heads in your toilet and I forgot there was a more recent post!

Yeah, having an always funny (or in my case, I'm always amusing to myself) blog can be cause some pressure.

So weird on the coworkers thing! I remember one time at a party my brother was just cracking up this group of guys he had just met and one of my brother's oldest friends says to the group of guys something like, "See what I told you?!? When he's on he's on." And I was thinking, "Ok so this group of hipsters didn't want to come to this party and my brother's oldest friend talked them into it so that they could hear my brother make jokes? Is that what's going on here?"