Thursday, July 28, 2011

I'll take "You're stuff for $1000 Alex".

No one is EVER going to confuse me with someone who knows what the Hell he's talking about when it comes to the news of the world, but I DO at least try to peruse the internet at least once a day and read the top stories.

And, while I don’t consider the story below in ANY WAY to be major news, I found it interesting to give it a quick read.

SAN FRANCISCO (AP) — "Jeopardy!" host Alex Trebek says he snapped his Achilles tendon last night while running after a burglar who had stolen cash, a bracelet and other items from his San Francisco hotel room.

Here’s a snapshot of the lovely lady who committed the dastardly deed….

My favorite thing about reading my news over the internet, is reading other people’s comments that they have posted at the bottom of the story. There is honestly no greater comedy in the world than reading the wiseass comments that people leave after ‘fluff’ stories like these.

Most times, people’s comments are much more entertaining than the news itself. As of an hour ago, this story, off of Yahoo News, already had 1,300 comments.

Here are just a few that cracked me up…..

- "I'll take "You're stuff for $1000 Alex"."
- "He put himself in jeopardy!"
- "I couldn't drink enough beer to make her look good."
- "She won the "Ugliest Burglar of the Year Award" in 2011."
- "She looks like sitting bull."
- "He chased her down due to the fact she refused to threaten him in the form of a question!"
- "Her lawyer is claiming that her face is a disaster area and, therefore, should eligible for federal funds."
- "I'll take potent septuagenarians for $1000!"
- "honestly i wouldn't touch her to hit her."
- "Man, Vanna White has let herself go."
- "What is: She doing in your room in the first place?"
- "Alex Trebek can only be destroyed by having him say his name backwards……"
- "I'll take "injuries that make loud popping sounds" for $1000 Alex."
- "If she's acquitted and they try her again on the same charges, it'll be double jeopardy"

And on and on and on… the comedy just keeps rolling in, every time I hit the ‘refresh’ button.

Honestly, when I read “He put himself in Jeopardy!”, I almost choked on my morning coffee. That comment brightened my mood for the next 15 minutes…

See? There’s a reason to be well-read…..

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

F Me Pumps

Yeah yeah yeah, it’s another Amy Winehouse blog post. Deal with it.

I’m not gonna get all mushy about her, though. Let’s face it, the girl was a mess. She had countless opportunities to clean herself up, and flipped off every single one of em. She was surrounded by enablers, from that loser ex-husband of hers, right down the line. Although, to be honest, I don’t think she really needed MUCH enabling.

Suffice to say that I really did love the girl’s music and thought that “Back to Black” was quite possibly the best album of the decade.

Everyone knows “Rehab”, but for those less familiar with her other works, give a listen to my personal favorite below. This song makes me sad, and makes me smile at the same time.

Just like the girl herself.

Here’s to you, Amy….. I hope you find the peace in the afterworld that you could never seem to find here on Earth…..

Friday, July 22, 2011

Men Are From Mars…

Men and Women really ARE wired differently. We just operate on completely different wavelengths.

Exhibit A….. A conversation from last night:

She: Hey, have you ever heard from our old neighbors John and Mary?

Me: God no! After they got divorced and sold the house, I never saw either one of them again.

She: Thank goodness for that. They were so weird.

Me: I didn’t think they were so bad. He was nice, at least.

She: You know that they were swingers, right?

Me: Yeah, they had mentioned it to me once or twice.

She: Me too. She asked me a few times if we ever wanted to join them at one of their clubs.

Me: Is that so?

She: I think she wanted you.

Me: You think?

She: Yeah, I could tell by the way she always looked at you.

Me: If you say so….

She: ……

Me: What?

She: So, if I had said it was OK, would you have slept with her?

Me: With Mary? Sure.


Me: What ‘what’?

She: You would have just screwed her?

Me: Yeah, if you told me to go for it…. Sure I would.

She: But you said it yourself that she was weird…

Me: Yeah… so?

She: So? You said you found her odd.

Me: Odd? Yeah, I guess. But she was cute enough.

She: Well, she had a really nice body, I’ll give her that.

Me: And who the Hell have you been living with for 15 years to think that I would need more than that?

She: …………

Me: Do you think that I wouldn’t want to bang her once I learned that she doesn’t recycle?

She: You are an asshole. A very shallow asshole.

Me: By the way, If you happen to see her, tell her from me that if she doesn’t believe in global warming then I’m not doing anal.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Pics From The Past, Volume 3

I realized this morning that I hadn’t done one of these in a while.  I bet you all have been DIEING for a new installment….
But the good thing about ME is that, if I make you wait and wait for something until you are BEGGING for it, when I finally DO deliver the goods I will rock your world, and leave you sweaty, shaking, and panting for more…
See how I turned this into something dirty? 
In case you’re new here, that’s pretty much how my mind works.
I really do have a doozy for you today.  For you newcomers, every once in a while I rummage thru my old boxes of photos and pull one out to scan into the computer so I can share it with ya’ll.
All I can say about THIS one is that, I really do have balls as big as churchbells for sharing this one with the intewebs…
Well, well, well.
What can I say about the picture that I’m about to show you, to defend myself?
-          I can point out that this picture was taken around 1990.  That was a long time ago.  Fashion was a lot different back then.  I’m pretty sure that people were still wearing petticoats and pantaloons….
-          I can argue that I was just coming home from the beach when this picture was taken by an old girlfriend.  That’s why I was wearing the blue and white skimpy bathing suit.
-          I can verify that the tank top I was wearing had a Guns N Roses logo on it, and they were the hottest band in the world at that time.  So THAT means that wearing it was COOL, right?
-          I can propose that I most certainly was NOT embarrassing myself by wearing that bandana in public.  See, it was the 90’s, remember?  Everyone was flamboyant like that in the 90’s!  For a while, wearing bandanas like that was considered “dress casual”.  Plus, I think I was still on my “Rambo” kick.
-          I can attest to the fact that, no matter HOW I dressed back then, I still got laid.  A lot.  By GIRLS!
Oh fuck it.  I guess I can’t stall this forever.

I really can't think of anything else I can say to try to save face on this one……
Just be gentle, ok?

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I’d Like To Buy A Vowel, Pat…

I’I know I’m kinda phoning this in today, but I’m dealing with some asshats at work and it’s starting to really irk me.

I think one of my biggest problems in life is trying to not blow my cool when people really annoy the fuck outta me.

Actually, that’s not true. My BIGGEST problem is how am I EVER going find a store that sells underwear big enough to contain my massive weiner…

… but dealing with people that I can’t stand is a very close second. I just don’t think I can regulate my Sicilian temper enough to enable myself to handle dealing with people that I’d rather throw into a wood chipper.

Anyway, as I said, as I was sitting here attempting to deal with some idiots, I was reminded of one of my favorite episodes of South Park from a few years back.

I’ve been watching South Park from the very beginning, even though it’s a VERY hit-or-miss show with me. While ONE episode can be crass, or just lame, the very next week they often hit it out of the park with some damn funny social commentary.

The clip below comes from the episode which deals with Randy having to deal with the overly political correctness of today’s society, and I almost peed myself the first time I had watched it. Much pardons in advance for the crappy quality, but believe it or not this was the BEST version of it I could find on Youtube that some jackoff didn’t add in images of Keyboard Cat or Rick Astley.

There goes that pesky intolerance of mine again…. dammit.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Nuthin’ But Net

I am currently suffering from a bit of a dilemma.

And no, my issue ISN’T trying to decide which is my most photogenic side. We all know by know that I am EQUALLY scrumptious from both left, right, and center. Even from behind I am a site to behold. Anyone who has met me can jump right in and verify that I have a completely delectable buttocks. It’s perfectly round… like a ripe apple, just waiting to be plucked.

What the hell was I talking about again? Oh yeah, my dilemma.

No, my current issue is of the ‘moral’ variety.

Specifically, should I steal my neighbor’s basketball hoop?

Let me back up a bit….

Our neighbors, who I never liked one Hot Damn, abandoned their house almost 2 years ago. Like many Americans, due to the recession and housing implosion, they were no longer making ends meet, and I guess paying a monthly $600,000 mortgage on a house that was NOW worth about HALF that no longer made sense to them, so they figured it would just be better to walk away. They left in the middle of the night, and we have never seen them again.

And I guess, with the glut of foreclosures in the past few years, the bank is taking their sweet time in putting it back up for sale. The house has been completely abandoned during this entire time.

Anyway, last week, Mini-Me came up to me, out of the blue, and told me that he wants to go to basketball camp. Remarkable really, since he’s never shown any interest in it, but I’m just happy that my son wants to try his hand at ANY sport. Then, he told me that he would like a basketball hoop for our driveway so he can practice.

Then I remembered that our neighbors had just bought a brand-spankin’ new basketball hoop a few months before they high-tailed it outta town.

A quick walk over to their backyard on Saturday confirmed that it IS in fact just sitting there, in their abandoned backyard, collecting leaves and dust.

That little devil, who has gotten me into oh-so-much trouble in the past, popped onto my shoulder.

“Just take the damn thing!” he whispered.

And after all, why SHOULDN’T I take it? The bank, if it ever gets around to it, is just probably going to throw it in the dumpster when they clean out the house. The damn things cost about $300 bucks, for gosh sakes! Besides, my neighbors were complete assholes…. I think I should be awarded that basketball net as combat pay for all the fucking mornings they woke me up at 5am backing their truck in and out of their garage for SOME damn reason which I never was able to figure out…

Am I rationalizing? Yeah, probably. When I told Mini-Me I was thinking about taking it, he asked me if it was ‘stealing’. I told him it wasn’t, but he’s old enough to know that I’m full of shit most of the time.

But screw it. I want to get my son a basketball net, and I don’t want to pay for one.

What say you, you homeowners out there? Would YOU take it?

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Roller Girl Makes Me Nostalgic

So, I was sitting around last night thinking that I hadn’t watched the most-excellent Boogie Nights in a while now. It’s one of my favorite movies of all time, and not just because you get to see Mark Wahlberg’s wee-wee. This movie made me fall in love with Julianne Moore, and of course Heather Graham as Roller Girl.

Thinking about that movie made me start to reminisce about the old days, when a 12 year old-Slyde and his posse would hang out on Friday nights at a local skating rink called Hot Skates.

You have to remember that this was around 1980, when roller skating in the U.S.A. was all the rage. Every Friday night, one of our dads would drive us to Hot Skates and drop us off around 5pm, and we’d stay until 10. I remember feeling very “grown-up” there, because the place was basically a tween version of a singles bar.

Besides, what the Hell ELSE was I supposed to do with my Friday nights? Play with my mood rings and pet rocks?

Anyway, I have some great memories of my Friday night Hot Skates trips. Here are a few of ‘em…

- I danced my first dance with a girl there. Her name was Amy Kennedy, and when the announcer called for a “couples skate”, she grabbed my hand. She was a girl who lived on my block and she was a few years older than me. I DO believe that the lovely Amy, and that dance, was the impetus for my obsession with cougars. RAWWWR!

- I remember having to take all sorts of shit from my friends one night because I wanted to leave early because I wanted to be sure I was home in time to find out Who Shot J.R. In hindsight, the shit I took for WEEKS afterwards was probably pretty well-deserved.

- Hot Skates was also the location of my first public humiliation. One night, I skated into the bathroom to make some wee-wee. When I came out a few minutes later, I didn’t see any of my friends around, so I jetted onto the rink and started skating. As I rounded one part, I saw a group of boys all staring at me and yelling. As I got closer, much to my horror they were all screaming that I was a “fairy”, “homo”, “queer”… you get the picture. EVERY damn time I skated past these guys, they would rip into me, and everyone around them was laughing. For the life of me, I could NOT figure out what I did to these guys.

Anyway, the song ended, and the announcer called out, “Ok, that ends the ‘Ladies Only’ Skate!”

I pretty much wanted to crawl up and die.

Anyway, as I was skating down memory lane earlier, I decided to do some googling about my old hang-out. I had heard that it was, unbelievably, still up and running so finding their website wasn’t TOO much of a surprise, but I was truly giggling when I found their old local TV commercial from 1984.

Alas, i cant embed the video... clicky HERE!

Check out those clothes! I can’t laugh TOO hard, since that’s pretty much how I dressed when I was there. No, not the girls outfits, you sickos! I meant the ambiguously feminine-looking guys. Not much better, I suppose.

Anyway, this morning that commercial YANKED me by the scruff of my neck, right out of my cubicle and body-slammed me back to the early-80’s, a time when I was young, innocent, and apparently exploring my homosexuality.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Change I Can Believe In

First off, sorry for being slightly lax in my posting last week.  I took some time off to take Mini-Me HERE, and I’d much rather be outside doing THAT, than being inside behind a computer doing THIS.
Secondly, despite the title and banner picture, this post has abso-tutley NOTHING to do with politics. I try to steer clear of that around these parts. I find I’m much more suited to booby and wee-wee jokes.

No, what I wanted to discuss in THIS post, is change.

Not “climate” change, or “emotional” change, just CHANGE.

You know…. Pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters.

Specifically, WHY the fuck do we still have it?

It’s just a nuisance. Plus, when I have a lot of it in my pockets, they make funny clinking noises and makes me look like I have an oddly shaped pee-pee.

I know that there was a movement a few years ago to do away with the penny. Apparently, it costs the government something like 3 cents to make each penny. Now, I’m not an accountant, but something about that seems inherently wrong to me.

But why just stop at the penny? Wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t have to deal with ANY change at all?

Which leads me to my next rant…..

Sales tax.

Why don’t stores start selling things that round out to whole dollars once you figure in the sales tax?

In other words…

Let’s say that I want to buy the “Acme Piece of Shit 9000”. So I go to the store and find out that it is $23.99. Factoring in New York’s sales tax (8 ¼%), I end up having to pay $25.97. So, in one way or another, I’m dealing again with that pesky encumbrance known as ‘change’.

But, wouldn’t it be better if the store had just made the initial price of the item to be an amount that, once sales tax was figured in, came out to a WHOLE dollar amount?

In other words, if the store had instead charged me $24.02 for the “Acme Piece of Shit 9000”, once you figured in the sales tax, the price I’d pay would be an even-steven $26!

Wouldn’t that be nicer for EVERYBODY involved?

Look, I realize that I’m much smarter than the rest of you, so let me illustrate my point more clearly with a simplified diagram…..

Does that make more sense? I think the fact that I artfully reconstructed the look of a classroom environment will help you all grasp the concept that much easier.

And before you ask, YES, I DID always go to school naked….. Doesn’t everybody?

Look at the body on me! No wonder I was always the teacher’s pet……