Thursday, May 05, 2011

One Dish To Rule Them All

Ok, I’ve had enough.

I’m serious this time…. THIS is where I finally take a stand.

I stood by and said nothing when we bought a couch for the den that, while it sure LOOKED nice, was about as comfortable as rubbing my ass with a cheese grater.

I bit my lip when it was decided that it would look great if we built COLUMNS in my dining room, forever dooming me to stub my fucking toe so many times now that my feet look like Fred Flintstone’s.

I kept my mouth shut when, instead of buying a nice BIG shed for the backyard like I wanted, we decided to go with a little 8x8 piece of shit that is barely big enough to hold…… well, a piece of shit.

But this time, I’m finally drawing a line.

What, you might ask, has my dander up?

On one of her hourly shopping sprees, Friz decided to come home with a new drain board to go near the kitchen sink. You know, for the dishes and whatnot.

That’s cool. I’m all for ‘new’ stuff. Really.

And golly gee, it sure LOOKS pretty.

The problem is that THIS drain board is the most useless piece of shit I have ever seen in my life.

What, you might ponder, might make something as simple as a place to dry your dishes ‘useless’?

How about the fact that THE FUCKING THING IS SHAPED IN A WAY THAT ONLY LETS YOU HOLD ONE FUCKING DISH?!?!?

Ok, maybe ONE dish is a SLIGHT exaggeration, but seriously, if you put more than a few dishes in there, there isn’t any damn room for anything else. Like a cup. Or a fork. Or a fucking thimble.

And God help you if you decide you want to dry off a pot. Then you are fucking DONE. Nothing else will fit in the damn thing.

What makes this particular drain board suck so much? It’s because it’s shaped in a way that it gets smaller and smaller, so there really isn’t a lot of surface area at the bottom to let anything except dishes dry, and only then if you stack the dishes on their side.

Ok, I could rant and rave about this damn thing all day, but I figured it would be much easier for all of you if you could just see a detailed scientific diagram, so I spent the last 6 hours meticulously measuring and making advanced calculations, so I could present you with the following EXACT, almost photo-realistic diagram of the situation.

Behold….



As you can see, this new drain board gets me very, very angry. You can actually SEE my anger by the way my eyebrows are all slanty and furrowed.

You can also see my chiseled 6-pack and my 3 foot hog.

Anyway, I just wish she would start buying things that are ‘practical’ and stop being interested in things that are ALL style and NO substance.

On the other hand, THEN I’d probably have to move out…..

29 comments:

CPalermo21 said...

Holy shit, this is funny.

Also, I don't know if you know this - but in your drawing, you apparently have a 3-foot stick up your ass.

B.E. Earl said...

Your dick only looks large in the picture because you the kitchen counter is apparently shoulder-height for you. So why do you care, since you can hardly see over it anyway?

Cocaine Princess said...

OMG I can't stop laughing!!

You guys should get your own reality show!!

Slyde said...

chris: how did you know i had a stick up my ass in that picture? it's completely hidded behind my 3 foot cock.

earl: hey, its a big countertop!

cocaine: no one would ever believe it

2abes said...

I'm glad you clarified the picture with mentioning "3 foot", because I thought you had really short legs. I never knew you were such a talented computer graphic artist, although you should stop looking at yourself naked in front of the fun house mirror.

Slyde said...

i cant help it if im bow-legged..

Tamara said...

Hahahaha... Thanks for the laugh, Slyde.

Slyde said...

thats what im here for...

Bouncin' Barb said...

I have learned to buy the right thing the first time around because you end up spending more $ in the long run. I totally love your self portrait too!

meleah rebeccah said...

Fuck that drain board!! Your comic is awesome!

Slyde said...

barb: can i come live with you?

meleah: fucking it might be the only thing its good for...

Brandy Rose said...

Oh my!

Marlene said...

Was there a drain board in that pic? I didn't notice. *evil grin*

terri said...

LOL, only you could write an entire post about a drainboard and manage to find a way to draw a 3 foot cartoon "hog"!

sybil law said...

Well certainly this picture should be hung and framed.
I said hung. Haha

Chris H said...

That really is a SMALL drain board then.
As for the 3 foot 'thing'... you really should be ASLEEP before you start dreaming mate.

Tamara said...

By the way, do you normally stack the dishes in the nude?

Slyde said...

brandy: told ya!

marlene: and THATS why i like you...

terri: hey you! well, it took me about 5 years but i finally got you to say "hog"!

sybil: i knew i'd get YOU to say hung easily!

chrish: i call it 'creative accounting'

tam: of course... i dont want to get my tu-tu wet, do i?

badgerdaddy said...

There are not many things that make me laugh out loud, but that really did...

Raquel's World said...

You could dry some cups by hanging them on that huge rod you got going on there. I'm just saying....

MarkD60 said...

Holy cow! We have a crappy couch, and a crappier drain board too!
I could have posted this post, except my abs are much more s 6 packish, and my weenie isn't so small! But I doubt I'll ever grow the balls to stand up to my wife!

Slyde said...

badger: whats so funny? this post was 100000 percent serious...

raquel: way ahead of ya... when we have company over, thats where i hang their jackets..

mark: ok, so i dont have the shittiest drainboard ever... i feel slightly better now.

Lotus07 said...

Dude, if this upsets you, then you really need to get laid.

....and does your hair really look that stupid in real life?

Annabelle said...

hmmm.

disapointing. i thought you'd be bigger.

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

Oh I was just thinking we needed one of those things. I'll have to make sure it slants the right way.

Malka said...

I'm a rather practical person when it comes to home furnishings, so I don't understand the columns, the shed, or ANYTHING in the kitchen that functions more as art than a utility device. Your home frightens me.

Slyde said...

bruce: my hair looks awesome... i always say so.

jill: please do.. spare your husband a coronary

malka: me too. we have the same brain, i think...

Slyde said...

anna: that picture was taken from 3 miles away..

Kaylen said...

are you really only as tall as the countertop? Cause if so....that hog ain't so great my friend...
And considering you started this post with a picture of some hobbits - well, that's proof I guess that you are a mini-man.

Nothing wrong with that...just sayin'.