One Dish To Rule Them All

Ok, I’ve had enough.

I’m serious this time…. THIS is where I finally take a stand.

I stood by and said nothing when we bought a couch for the den that, while it sure LOOKED nice, was about as comfortable as rubbing my ass with a cheese grater.

I bit my lip when it was decided that it would look great if we built COLUMNS in my dining room, forever dooming me to stub my fucking toe so many times now that my feet look like Fred Flintstone’s.

I kept my mouth shut when, instead of buying a nice BIG shed for the backyard like I wanted, we decided to go with a little 8x8 piece of shit that is barely big enough to hold…… well, a piece of shit.

But this time, I’m finally drawing a line.

What, you might ask, has my dander up?

On one of her hourly shopping sprees, Friz decided to come home with a new drain board to go near the kitchen sink. You know, for the dishes and whatnot.

That’s cool. I’m all for ‘new’ stuff. Really.

And golly gee, it sure LOOKS pretty.

The problem is that THIS drain board is the most useless piece of shit I have ever seen in my life.

What, you might ponder, might make something as simple as a place to dry your dishes ‘useless’?

How about the fact that THE FUCKING THING IS SHAPED IN A WAY THAT ONLY LETS YOU HOLD ONE FUCKING DISH?!?!?

Ok, maybe ONE dish is a SLIGHT exaggeration, but seriously, if you put more than a few dishes in there, there isn’t any damn room for anything else. Like a cup. Or a fork. Or a fucking thimble.

And God help you if you decide you want to dry off a pot. Then you are fucking DONE. Nothing else will fit in the damn thing.

What makes this particular drain board suck so much? It’s because it’s shaped in a way that it gets smaller and smaller, so there really isn’t a lot of surface area at the bottom to let anything except dishes dry, and only then if you stack the dishes on their side.

Ok, I could rant and rave about this damn thing all day, but I figured it would be much easier for all of you if you could just see a detailed scientific diagram, so I spent the last 6 hours meticulously measuring and making advanced calculations, so I could present you with the following EXACT, almost photo-realistic diagram of the situation.

Behold….

As you can see, this new drain board gets me very, very angry. You can actually SEE my anger by the way my eyebrows are all slanty and furrowed.

You can also see my chiseled 6-pack and my 3 foot hog.

Anyway, I just wish she would start buying things that are ‘practical’ and stop being interested in things that are ALL style and NO substance.

On the other hand, THEN I’d probably have to move out…..