When you are as superior a human specimen as I am, at an early age you learn to accept that other people just aren’t as perfect as you are. It was a hard lesson, to be sure, but by the age of 6 I had grasped the idea that I was already better than everyone else.
So, it’s often EXTRA hard on me because I am forced to work with not even ‘average’ people, but UTTER MORONS.
In my job, I often have to deal with someone, who I’ll call Ralph.
Ralph is an asshole.
What makes Ralph an asshole?
Well, aside from being completely fucking incompetent, he doesn’t really like to work all that hard. I mean really, the shit that comes out of his mouth is absolutely ASTOUNDING when his little mind is scrambling to come up with reasons not to help out with anything.
But last week, he took the cake.
We were trying to get a big project live that requires many people across multiple departments to get it done. And since the project involved making changes to our website, we typically do these kinds of upgrades after 5pm, when the website usage usually drops big time.
It took most of the day to get all the needed parties to commit to moving this particular project live.
Everything was going swimmingly, until I got to my main man Ralph and explained to him that he needed to be ready to move HIS piece of the project at 6pm.
“Uhhhh, I might be slightly late getting that done.”
“Late? Ralph, we really can’t afford to be late. We have people who need to perform THEIR steps after yours.”
“ I understand that, but it can’t be helped.”
“Why, what’s the problem?”
“Well, I need to get home and log in and do my part from home, and I might not be home by 6”
“Ooooooook. Can I ask why you can’t do your part here in the office, and then go home?”
You ready for this one?
Wait for it…….
Here it comes……
“It might be dark by 6. I like to be home before dark.”
WHAT THE FUCK??????????????????????????????
This dude is in his 40’s, and lives alone….. What the Holy Hell is so damn important about being inside his house before dark?
Unless your name is Will Smith and you are the only living remaining resident of Manhattan fighting off an army of vampires, then getting home before dark shouldn’t be a big fucking concern. I keep picturing him boarding up his apartment in Brooklyn each night and pouring ammonia across his doorway to hide his scent from the undead.
Try as I might to come up with a situation where THAT excuse makes one LICK of fucking sense, the only thing I can come up with is that this guy is fighting vampires. Really, it’s the only answer that makes sense.
Seriously, this guy must completely shit his pants when Daylight Savings Time rolls around…..