Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Worst. Excuse. Ever.

When you are as superior a human specimen as I am, at an early age you learn to accept that other people just aren’t as perfect as you are. It was a hard lesson, to be sure, but by the age of 6 I had grasped the idea that I was already better than everyone else.


So, it’s often EXTRA hard on me because I am forced to work with not even ‘average’ people, but UTTER MORONS.

In my job, I often have to deal with someone, who I’ll call Ralph.

Ralph is an asshole.

What makes Ralph an asshole?

Well, aside from being completely fucking incompetent, he doesn’t really like to work all that hard. I mean really, the shit that comes out of his mouth is absolutely ASTOUNDING when his little mind is scrambling to come up with reasons not to help out with anything.

But last week, he took the cake.

We were trying to get a big project live that requires many people across multiple departments to get it done. And since the project involved making changes to our website, we typically do these kinds of upgrades after 5pm, when the website usage usually drops big time.

It took most of the day to get all the needed parties to commit to moving this particular project live.

Everything was going swimmingly, until I got to my main man Ralph and explained to him that he needed to be ready to move HIS piece of the project at 6pm.

“Uhhhh, I might be slightly late getting that done.”

“Late? Ralph, we really can’t afford to be late. We have people who need to perform THEIR steps after yours.”

“ I understand that, but it can’t be helped.”

“Why, what’s the problem?”

“Well, I need to get home and log in and do my part from home, and I might not be home by 6”

“Ooooooook. Can I ask why you can’t do your part here in the office, and then go home?”

You ready for this one?

Wait for it…….

Here it comes……

“It might be dark by 6. I like to be home before dark.”

WHAT THE FUCK??????????????????????????????

This dude is in his 40’s, and lives alone….. What the Holy Hell is so damn important about being inside his house before dark?

Unless your name is Will Smith and you are the only living remaining resident of Manhattan fighting off an army of vampires, then getting home before dark shouldn’t be a big fucking concern. I keep picturing him boarding up his apartment in Brooklyn each night and pouring ammonia across his doorway to hide his scent from the undead.

Try as I might to come up with a situation where THAT excuse makes one LICK of fucking sense, the only thing I can come up with is that this guy is fighting vampires. Really, it’s the only answer that makes sense.

Seriously, this guy must completely shit his pants when Daylight Savings Time rolls around…..

25 comments:

sybil law said...

Oh, poor Ralphie.
Either way, it no longer gets dark before 6, so his excuse is beyond pathetic. It was almost 8 here last night before it got dark!
What does he do in the winter, or on stormy days?
What a fucking douche.

B.E. Earl said...

Ralph just hates you, is all. It's a common thing.

That, or maybe he's the serial killer that's been knocking off hookers over at Gilgo Beach. I think you solved the case, chumly.

Slyde said...

sybil: agreed. douche.

earslie: but he lives in brooklyn. i'd think there would be more convienent places to kill someone than driving all the way to long island.

Raquel's World said...

Awww poor Ralph. I understand because I cannot see very good at night so I try to be in prior to dark as well. ;)

Annabelle said...

That's too funny! What a knob.

Slyde said...

raquel: this guy takes the subway home.. i dont think his eyesight is the issue.

anna: agreed. a knob he most surely is..

2abes said...

maybe his glass slippers need to be home by six and his ride turns into a pumpkin and gerbils???

Slyde said...

you had me at gerbils...

i am the diva said...

whoah.

also - what did you think of Game of Thrones??

Slyde said...

i thought it was awesome.

honestly, the only casting that i DON'T like is Katelyn. I don't buy her as kat at all. This chick is older and more weathered. I honestly pictured Kat as being much better looking ... kinda like the country girl to Cersai's city girl....

Bless My Bitchy Heart said...

Hahahaha! That is hilarious. Give that douche baby a blankie next time he has a deadline. I was pleased to read that he lives alone, my mental picture was in his mama's basement. Funny post!

Lotus07 said...

There are a lot of dysfunctional people in this world, and their dysfunctionality runs deep. There is obviously a reason why he lives alone. I wonder if he know the lady that left her food in the microwave.....they would be a nice dysfunctional couple, don't you think?

Marlene said...

I think he turns into a big fat pumpkin when it gets dark...and he doesn't want anyone to know his horrible secret.

Bouncin' Barb said...

He probably lives with his Mommy and she won't let him out after dark. Slyde, I totally agree this one takes the friggen' cake. I bet he's OCD and his desk is immaculate too. And does he talk alot? I think I've worked with this guy! haha.

Chris H said...

OMG he's a pussy! What a whimp of a man.
Did you make him stay and do his part after all that???

Malka said...

Maybe the dark frightens him so much that he wets his man panties, and he didn't want to do that in public. Wah wah, get a life, Ralphie.

Slyde said...

bitchy: before i learned otherwise, i assumed him for a mama's boy too...

lotus: yeah, they'd get along fine, until the light in the microwave went out and then hed fucking freak out!

marlene: thats as good an excuse as mine...

barb: you arent far from the truth. the guy dresses in a suit, every day, even though we are a casual office...

chrish: i wish i could have. nope, he went home and turned his lights on and worked from there.

malka: man panties? i'll have to remember that one..

Kaylen said...

I think the most important thing you need to do this week is FOLLOW THAT MAN HOME!!!
Find out wtf is up. Cause no adult male has to be home by dark. I can't even believe someone would say that aloud to another human being....

MarkD60 said...

A person had an appointment for a job interview where my wife used to work. She never showed up. The interviewer called and the prospective employee said, "But... it's raining"
Worst excuse ever.

Slyde said...

kaylen: no way. if i followed him, and he locked his doors by sundown, i'd be vampire chow.

mark: at least rain is something unexpected.... it turns dark out at the end of EVERY FUCKING DAY!

meleah rebeccah said...

Wow. Ralph IS an asshole! HA.

Slyde said...

indeed

cbeck said...

Hey, Nyctophobia is no laughing matter!!!

Poor guy. You probably don't even let him take his blanky to work, do you?

Cocaine Princess said...

Perhaps you might want to send this link to "Ralph"

http://www.phobia-fear-release.com/scotophobia.html

i am the diva said...

agreed. she's not what i imagined at all. you said it - "country girl" to Cersai's "city girl" but maybe they were trying to make the North look like a much more hostile living environment? plus, i suppose she was older than Ned, wasn't she engaged to his older brother?