Thursday, April 07, 2011

Slyde’s Pet Peeve # 8 – Microwave Gawkers

I haven’t done one of these in a while, but I was thinking about this the other day and it really irks me.

Why the Hell do people put their face so damn close to the microwave when they’ve got something cooking in there?

It drives me absolutely BATTY every day when I walk into the kitchen here at work and inevitably see some fatso who can’t seem to wait another 30 seconds when the timer will go off, to see if the tsunami of cheese she just poured over her nachos is sufficiently melted.

I mean, maybe I’m a tad on the paranoid side, but I remember back in the 80’s when microwaves first came out, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM came with a warning that you should not stand too close to them, because the microwaves used could be cancer-causing. Every single one of those fuckers came with a warning that you should stand a few feet away from them. I remember when I was a kid and we got our first microwave, my parents treated it like it was a box of escaped Bronx Zoo cobras. We’d give the damn thing a wide birth whenever it was on.

Cut to about 20 years later, and now people seem to think that microwaves are as safe and friendly as a Teletubby.

Did I miss some breakthrough in microwave technology somewhere along the way? Are these machines NOW warming up my Hot-Pockets with hugs and rainbows instead of deadly radiation?

I actually had this conversation with someone at work the other day, and the jackass actually said to me:

“Oh, come on! That was years ago! They make microwaves SO much safer now. They don’t leak radiation anymore!”

Oh, ok Slappy. So I’m gonna bank my future existence on the hope that some Chinese factory worker was trained well enough at his .000002 cents/hour job to remember to weld those 2 pieces of tin correctly so that no heebie jeebies manage to seep thru. Yup, seems perfectly reasonable to me! After all, it seems like a worthwhile risk to take with my life if it means I can actually watch my fucking popcorn spinning around while it’s popping!

So, maybe I’m a bit of a hypochondriac, but I really don’t see it that way. You nutsos can continue to bend over and french kiss the glass while your leftover meatloaf boils over…..

…. I’ll be standing far back in the corner checking out your ass.

33 comments:

Suzi Q said...

Omigawd, that's priceless! Thanks for the laugh!

Slyde said...

thats what im here for :)

MarkD60 said...

I remember the sales pitch when microwaves first came out, "Boil water in a paper cup!"
I think it was earlier than the 80's though. About the same time rotary telephones were making the getaway.
We don't even have a microwave.

Slyde said...

im not sure, but im pretty sure i remember getting our first one around the early 80's...

Bouncin' Barb said...

These are the same people who believe there's nothing in the air or water either!

Annabelle said...

I don't give a shit if these ass clowns at my office get nuked...what I care about is how no one covers their food nor do they wipe out the inside of the microwave after they explode last nights leftovers all over the place.

Slyde said...

barb: amen.

anna: see, now you sound like my wife. i must cop to being lazy with that stuff too. what can i say? im a LAZY hypochondriac

2abes said...

Do you check out the ass of everyone at the microwave or do you have standards? Male - Female, Attractive - not attractive, slim - wide as a fridge door??????

Slyde said...

male and overweight, only..

Brandy Rose said...

In my ex-office lunch room it was a fight between 30 ppl for one microwave, so each one practically hugged the damn thing waiting on their food to finish.

Chandra said...

To this dayI refuse to microwave anything that has a plastic cover on it because they say the 'sepage' of plastic material into your food can cause cancer...really? Is there anything good that the mircrowave does besides make our lives a little quicker....NOPE!

sybil law said...

But I like to watch the food spin around!
Haha
People are so dumb.

Marlene said...

That pic you posted...heehee...the joker in me wants to come up behind that person and shove their head into their melted cheese! Think I'd get away with it if I could outrun them?

Lotus07 said...

Natures way of survival of the fitest. Those that are entrained by the revolving food plater in the microwave will die sooner....and therefore breed less. Makes perfect sense to me.

Chris H said...

We had a healthy respect for microwaves when we got our first one too.. nowdays they are so common we have forgotten that in fact they are quite dangerous.

Bless My Bitchy Heart said...

Hahahaha, hilarious post. I think you are right on-early 80's for the wave. Our first one was damned near as big as our washing machine with a freaky dial dealio to set the time. My dad was SO proud of that beast. Thanks for the giggle!

Oh & I'm with Annabelle on the nasty ravioli explosions! Man that pisses me off!

Kage said...

how dare you insinuate that i am old enough to remember the eighties! i am FAR too young and pretty to have any idea what you're talking about. how dare you suggest otherwise!

sorry, what? you didn't?

oh.

never mind, then.

Shabbygal said...

How freakin hilarious! I sometimes stand in front of ours because it is above our stove and I'm cooking too but I do wonder about the safety. Oh well, I guess by the time they figure it out we will all already be dead from it. Traci

badgerdaddy said...

Used to have a flatmate that did that, until one of our other flatmates told her if she kept it up, she would get a detached retina. Worked a treat.

Tamara said...

I refuse to cook veggies in the microwave because although it's quicker, I figure I'm nuking all the nutritional value anyway.

radioactive girl said...

In class we just talked about microwaves and how they actually change the molecules of food, and other harmful things they do. I think I might want to just get rid of mine after learning everything I learned.

Slyde said...

brandy: yup, we deal with that here as well.

chandra: i've heard that too, but i am just too lazy to bother to take the cover off...

sybil: its funny cause its true :)

marlene: of course you could outrun them... they've got nacho cheese in their eyes!

Slyde said...

lotus: its a solid theory, but the rejects just keep in-breeding!

chrish: thats exactly what im talking about!

bitchy: yup, ours was the size of the freezer and it had one big honkin dial on it to set the time.

kage: oh yeah, me too. this story was passed down from my great great grandfather...

Cocaine Princess said...

Gotta love the comment left by Bruce!

Slyde said...

shabby: Friz does the same thing at home all the time. i yell at her.

badger: i think a detached retina would be the LEAST of her issues...

tam: you're probably right, but im too lazy to actually COOK stuff. i just stay clear when im nuking it.

radio: its undoubtably safer... i just dont have the patience to cook EVERYTHING i want to heat up..

princess: no you dont... don't encourage him!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I stand far away from the microwave too. They're handy, but I don't trust 'em. You know what else I hate? People who will buzz around the microwave or hang over your shoulder to find out what you're having for lunch (when I worked in an office). I'd be all like "Buzz off, vulture!"

elizabeth said...

I'm a starer. Well I used to be - when it was eye level. It's lower now so I let the kids stare for me.

meleah rebeccah said...

Yikes! Who the hell wants to stand that close to a microwave? I'm pretty sure they still produce radiation waves!

B.E. Earl said...

Hey, what happened to my comment? Did you delete it again?

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

I think we're maybe actually related. :-) :-) :-) Except, I also having microwaved in plastic in about 8 or 10 years and I tell my kids that if they look into the microwave while it's cooking, they'll probably burn out their eyes.

What drives me totally bonkers though is when someone pops open the microwave while it's still cooking. Two pieces of tin correct or not doesn't even matter if the door is wide open.

Slyde said...

twin: yeah, i hate that shit too. Whenever i take something out of the microwave, theres always some old biddie in there asking me what smells so good!

liz: so now your hey-nanny-nanny stares at it?

meleah: thats what im sayin'!

earl: no, you twit. in your old age, you forgot that you never left one in the first place.

jill: agreed. when i see people doing that, i cringe..

Kevin Spencer said...

When we were kids we'd put metal cans in my friend's mum's microwave. Those sparks sure were awesome.

Slyde said...

ouch!