Thursday, April 28, 2011

Tennis Elbow, Anyone?

Has anyone out there ever had a bad case of Tendonitis?

Because, my friends, I am one hurtin’ unit.

Back around Thanksgiving, I injured my shoulder while fighting off a biker gang (or, I COULD have injured it while I was swinging my arms like a Neanderthal while trying to complete level 3 on ‘Ultimate Street Fighting’ on the Playstation 3. You decide.)

Ok, HOW I injured my fucking arm is neither here nor there. Let’s not quibble.

The IMPORTANT thing to realize is that, since Thanksgiving, my arm has been has hurting like a BITCH.

The first few days, I thought it was just a typical sprain. I stopped working out for a bit, and tried to give my arm a rest.

Days later, it was not getting better. A few weeks later, ditto.

Well, it’s been about 6 months now and I still can’t turn the key in my front door without my arm giving me pain that makes me squeal like a little girl.

So, I finally decided to go to a physical therapist, and they have given me the happy diagnosis that I am suffering from extreme Tendonitis, or Tennis Elbow.

I’ve had one month now of therapy, x-rays, and fucking $30 copays and while my arm feels A LITTLE better, I still haven’t been able to lift a damn weight in months. This sucks. With my gym routine being limited, I can feel my perfect physique slowly withering away. A few more months of this and I might actually slip from being a perfect ‘10’ to a ‘9.99’.

That, my friends, is unacceptable.

So, my question to you all is, have any of you suffered from this before, and 1) What did you do to correct it, and 2) How long did it take?

The fate of my hotness hangs in the balance….

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A Killer Among Us

I’m not sure how much press it has been getting outside the NY area, but apparently Long Island has our very own Serial Killer.
Yup, apparently someone has been dumping the bodies of young women, mostly Craigslist prostitutes, into the woods along Ocean Parkway, a dune road that stretches along the beaches of our South Shore.
Here is a pic of the area that the latest body was found. The latest body was discovered in the small wooded area to the right.

What’s REALLY freaky about this whole thing is, if this picture above panned to the left just a tad, you would see the stretch of beach where I play volleyball every summer. Really. Our courts are RIGHT there. And the bulk of these murders seem to have been going on over the summer, while I was there, blissfully unaware as my glistening, shirtless body was diving in the sand.

All jokes aside, this little island O’ mine really is kinda on edge. Every few weeks, the police keep finding new bodies (or body parts… ewwww) in that stretch of woods. I honestly haven’t seen people around here freaked out like this since the Son of Sam killings, back in the 70’s.

Except, I really don’t think that there IS a serial killer on the loose. At least, I don’t really think that all these killings are the work of ONE sick dude.

Maybe I’m twisted (ok, I AM twisted), but ever since I was a teenager, as I rode in the car with my parents along that lonely, dark stretch of road, I would think to myself “Damn, you could probably toss a body in those woods and it would be YEARS before anyone found them”.

So, it stands to reason that if I’VE come to that conclusion, that there must be TONS of other sick fucks out there that have has the same notion as me as they spied those woods with their little eyes.

I mean, I don’t have any plans on killing anyone right now (at least not YET), but if I DID, that woodland area would have been the first place I would have thought of to toss the body.

So, putting my expert sleuthing skills to work, I have come to the conclusion that we are seeing the work of MANY sick and twisted people who just happen to be unknowingly using the same unlucky patch of land to do their dirty work.

And with THAT, I have cracked another case. Wow, am I good or what? It’s kinda like one of those TV shows where the main character is a supermodel by day, jetsetting around the world doing photo shoots and banging hot starlets, and a hard-nosed detective helping dames in distress by night.

I’m kinda like Magnum PI, without the cheesy mustache but with a MUCH bigger package….

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Kids Say Funny Shit

This was a recent conversation I had with one of Mini-Me’s friends when I went to pick him up from school the other day.

The kid, who I have never seen before in my life, ran up to me, and said:

Kid: Hey, aren’t you Joey’s Dad?

Studly: Yup, that’s right.

Kid: I’m Joel!

Studly: Hi Joel….. What’s up?

Kid: Not much….. Hey have you ever heard of Harry Houdini?

Studly: Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.

Kid: No you haven’t…. you’re lying.

Studly: No, I don’t lie.

Kid: Ok then, if you know who he is, then tell me.

Studly: Harry Houdini was a famous magician and escape artist.

Kid: Wow, that’s right! You DO know who he is…

Studly: Told ya.

Kid: Did ya know he was Jewish?

Studly: That, I did NOT know….

Kid: Yup, he was Jewish….. JUST LIKE ME!

And with that, he ran off as quickly as he came, with the hugest shit-eating grin on his face, like he was SO damn proud that he shared the same religion with Houdini. I kept picturing him running home, cutting out a picture of Houdini and glueing it to a scrapbook full of pictures of other famous Jewish people, saying to himself “Yup, Houdini’s one of ours! We’ve got another one! WOO HOO!”

Made me chuckle all the way home. I really do love kids.

And not just MAKING them. Although THAT isn’t so bad either….

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Worst. Excuse. Ever.

When you are as superior a human specimen as I am, at an early age you learn to accept that other people just aren’t as perfect as you are. It was a hard lesson, to be sure, but by the age of 6 I had grasped the idea that I was already better than everyone else.

So, it’s often EXTRA hard on me because I am forced to work with not even ‘average’ people, but UTTER MORONS.

In my job, I often have to deal with someone, who I’ll call Ralph.

Ralph is an asshole.

What makes Ralph an asshole?

Well, aside from being completely fucking incompetent, he doesn’t really like to work all that hard. I mean really, the shit that comes out of his mouth is absolutely ASTOUNDING when his little mind is scrambling to come up with reasons not to help out with anything.

But last week, he took the cake.

We were trying to get a big project live that requires many people across multiple departments to get it done. And since the project involved making changes to our website, we typically do these kinds of upgrades after 5pm, when the website usage usually drops big time.

It took most of the day to get all the needed parties to commit to moving this particular project live.

Everything was going swimmingly, until I got to my main man Ralph and explained to him that he needed to be ready to move HIS piece of the project at 6pm.

“Uhhhh, I might be slightly late getting that done.”

“Late? Ralph, we really can’t afford to be late. We have people who need to perform THEIR steps after yours.”

“ I understand that, but it can’t be helped.”

“Why, what’s the problem?”

“Well, I need to get home and log in and do my part from home, and I might not be home by 6”

“Ooooooook. Can I ask why you can’t do your part here in the office, and then go home?”

You ready for this one?

Wait for it…….

Here it comes……

“It might be dark by 6. I like to be home before dark.”

WHAT THE FUCK??????????????????????????????

This dude is in his 40’s, and lives alone….. What the Holy Hell is so damn important about being inside his house before dark?

Unless your name is Will Smith and you are the only living remaining resident of Manhattan fighting off an army of vampires, then getting home before dark shouldn’t be a big fucking concern. I keep picturing him boarding up his apartment in Brooklyn each night and pouring ammonia across his doorway to hide his scent from the undead.

Try as I might to come up with a situation where THAT excuse makes one LICK of fucking sense, the only thing I can come up with is that this guy is fighting vampires. Really, it’s the only answer that makes sense.

Seriously, this guy must completely shit his pants when Daylight Savings Time rolls around…..

Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Game Of Thrones Is Cooler Than You’ll Ever Be

You might think that someone who looks at smokin’ as I do simply doesn’t have the time to read a lot. But surprisingly, I do.

(And yes Earl, before you start in with your shit, mostly these days I have been listening to more books on audio than reading…. This way I can keep reading my book while I’m sculpting my near-perfect body at the gym.)

But all that’s neither here nor there.

The IMPORTANT thing to remind you all is that, after YEARS of being in development, The Game Of Thrones television series will FINALLY begin this Sunday Night on HBO!!!!

To most of the non-nerdy public, that probably doesn’t mean much. But to anyone who is familiar with The Song Of Ice And Fire books (Game of Thrones is book 1), this is absolutely incredible news.

Seriously, my pants are tight with fanboy anticipation.

For those of you who don’t know, The Game Of Thrones tells the story of the Stark family, a small royal family in the fictional land of Westeros. Think of it kind of as The Lord Of The Rings, but which much less (almost non-existent) fantasy, and more realism. These books are filled with action, sex, intrigue, warfare, and most importantly, some of the best written and most complex characters I have ever had the pleasure of reading.

Honestly, I think these books (there are currently 4, with book 5 due this summer, and 7 planned overall), are the best written series of books I have ever read. Ever. Ever Ever ever.

Did I say, “Ever”?

Normally, I’d be quite leery of anyone trying to take the magnificence of these books and attempting to build a TV show out of them, but if anyone can do it, HBO can.

I am BEYOND stoked for the first episode this Sunday night.

Interesting side note:

As awesome as these books are, their author, George R.R. Martin, was a bit of a jerk-off to me a few years back. When I wanted to begin reading these books, I sent him an email asking him where I could purchase the audio books, because I didn’t see them listed at the time ANYWHERE on the web.

To his credit, he wrote me back, and gave me a link to where I could buy them, but the link took me to a site that was only selling the “Collector’s Editions” of the books (whatever the hell THAT is), at about $120 each! I wanted to read these books, but not at the cost of almost $500!

So, I very politely wrote him again and asked if there was a place I could purchase the standard, non-collector’s editions. His email contained only this:

“I only writes em. I don’t sells em. You’re on your own.”

To which I responded:

“Well then, I don’t buys em. I only steals em. I just pirated them off the internet… thanks for being an asshat!”

Meanwhile I keep waiting for my application to his fan club to be approved.

I think it might be a long wait.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Microwave Rage

I really don’t want to turn this site into “Slyde’s Microwave Blog”, but I just had to relate this story that happened to me recently.

I went to the cafeteria to get my lunch out of the refrigerator so I could nuke it in the microwave. When I opened the door to the microwave, I noticed that someone else’s lunch (a TV dinner) was sitting in there. Apparently, someone put their lunch in, set the timer, and walked away for a few minutes while it cooked.

No biggie. Happens all the time. I simply took the person’s lunch out of the microwave, placed it on the counter, put my own lunch in, and set the timer. While it was cooking, I decided to run upstairs to get a can of soda.

Now, I’m gonna stop my story here for a second. Was taking this person’s food out of the microwave a big no-no in microwave etiquette that I’m not aware of? Seriously…. Is what I did REALLY a big fucking deal to anyone?

Because, let me tell you…. It was a BIG fucking deal to THIS bitch.

I knew something was up when I walked back into the cafeteria. There were about 5 people looking around uncomfortably, and this one bitch who I have never seen before was ranting about SOMETHING.

The first thing that I thought of was that my lunch must have somehow exploded in the microwave and made a mess that someone else was cleaning up. That was the only thing I could think of, because the way this loon was screaming and cursing had me at a loss.

But no, as soon as I got closer, and all eyes in the cafeteria turned to me, THIS is what I heard:

“Who the FUCK would touch another person’s lunch in the microwave? I can’t fucking STAND someone else handling my food! Now I’m completely disgusted. I can’t eat this! I CAN’T!”

And with that, she took her TV dinner and threw it into the garbage!

Now, I’m all for having it out with obnoxious people, but this chick honestly threw me for a loop with how she was acting. I kept thinking:

“She CAN’T be talking about me… let me just get my lunch and get the hell outta here.”

So, I sauntered up to the microwave, popped the door open, and took out my food. As I did so, I could see her eyes burning a hole into me. As soon as I grabbed my food, she said:


As I said, normally I would have laced into her something righteous, but I’ve really tried to curtail my temper over the years when it comes to work. I had some incidents in my younger days when I blew my cool at work, and it never ended well, so now really I try to let most things slide.

But this witch would NOT shut the fuck up.

She kept up with the insults the entire time I collected my lunch, and continued with them while I walked out of the cafeteria. I never said a word to the chick.

But OH MY GOD did I want to wring her damn neck.

So, my question to you all…. Is what I did a no-no? Or was this chick off her meds?

p.s. She wasn’t hot at all. I wouldn’t even THINK about banging her. That may NOT be an important part of this story….

…. Or it just might be the most important part of all.

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Slyde’s Pet Peeve # 8 – Microwave Gawkers

I haven’t done one of these in a while, but I was thinking about this the other day and it really irks me.

Why the Hell do people put their face so damn close to the microwave when they’ve got something cooking in there?

It drives me absolutely BATTY every day when I walk into the kitchen here at work and inevitably see some fatso who can’t seem to wait another 30 seconds when the timer will go off, to see if the tsunami of cheese she just poured over her nachos is sufficiently melted.

I mean, maybe I’m a tad on the paranoid side, but I remember back in the 80’s when microwaves first came out, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM came with a warning that you should not stand too close to them, because the microwaves used could be cancer-causing. Every single one of those fuckers came with a warning that you should stand a few feet away from them. I remember when I was a kid and we got our first microwave, my parents treated it like it was a box of escaped Bronx Zoo cobras. We’d give the damn thing a wide birth whenever it was on.

Cut to about 20 years later, and now people seem to think that microwaves are as safe and friendly as a Teletubby.

Did I miss some breakthrough in microwave technology somewhere along the way? Are these machines NOW warming up my Hot-Pockets with hugs and rainbows instead of deadly radiation?

I actually had this conversation with someone at work the other day, and the jackass actually said to me:

“Oh, come on! That was years ago! They make microwaves SO much safer now. They don’t leak radiation anymore!”

Oh, ok Slappy. So I’m gonna bank my future existence on the hope that some Chinese factory worker was trained well enough at his .000002 cents/hour job to remember to weld those 2 pieces of tin correctly so that no heebie jeebies manage to seep thru. Yup, seems perfectly reasonable to me! After all, it seems like a worthwhile risk to take with my life if it means I can actually watch my fucking popcorn spinning around while it’s popping!

So, maybe I’m a bit of a hypochondriac, but I really don’t see it that way. You nutsos can continue to bend over and french kiss the glass while your leftover meatloaf boils over…..

…. I’ll be standing far back in the corner checking out your ass.

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

I Did It All For The Snooki

I don’t watch Jersey Shore.

No, I’m usually too busy watching quality, highbrow entertainment like The Bad Girls Club.

Ok, clearly I’m not above watching some trashy TV, but I’ve just never felt the desire to watch Jersey Shore. Maybe I just have a problem with any show that makes sexy Italians look silly. Or maybe I’m just peeved that they didn’t call ME. Whatever.

So, while it’s true that I hold no love for these fist-pumping mental giants, I’d be lying if I didn’t find Snookie’s showing at this past weekend’s Wrestlemania completely surprising.

She’s usually such a fall-down drunken embarrassment whose only real claim to fame is being punched in the face, so it’s easy not to expect TOO much from the little orange Oompa-Loompa.

But I have to admit, I didn’t think that tan little midget could pull off moves like this:

I’m not saying that now I’d bang her or anything. I’m just saying that I was surprised to finally see her do something, ANYTHING, that actually took some kind of talent.

And yes, I fully do realize that this was going all around the interwebs yesterday, but I was hauling my ass around NYC yesterday for work, so I didn’t get a post up. Sue me. Or kiss me. Whatever works.