Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Underdressed

I swear, sometimes I really do think that there is something wrong with me.

I mean, like my elevator-is-not-quite-reaching-the-top-floor kind of wrong.

It’s to be expected, I guess. I mean, these killer looks, perfectly sculpted body and big wee-wee just HAD to come at a price, didn’t it?

What exactly is my mental deficiency, you might ask?

I’m always worried that I’m naked.

Well, not naked, exactly. But at the very least…. I’m worried that I’m in my underwear.

Let me backtrack a bit.

A few years ago, I had a very good friend, who kinda lost his shit for awhile. I mean, he REALLY went batty….. like CHARLEY SHEEN batty. Over the course of a few months, his behavior became more and more erratic and violent. Most times, there was NO discernable reason for his anger.

For me, it came to a head when he, myself, my girlfriend at the time, and a bunch of our friends all went down to Cancun for a week and I almost beat him to death on the beach after he became violent towards my chick. I ignored him for the remainder of the vacation, and once we touched down at JFK, vowed never to speak to him again.

Over the next few months, I had heard disturbing stories from friends about what my ex-friend was up to, and his increasingly erratic behavior. It all seemed to come to a head when one day, he forgot to get dressed in the morning, and drove to work in his underwear.

When I heard that story, I was dumfounded. I mean, seriously, how fucking far must you have to fall off the sanity-wagon to drive to work in your skivvies?

Shortly after that incident, there was in intervention of sorts, and it was discovered that he suffered from a previously unknown chemical imbalance. He’s on medication now, and although we aren’t close anymore, as far as I know he now remembers to go to work wearing pants.

Anyway, looking back at all the crazy shit he pulled during that time, the one thing that has ALWAYS stood out to me, even now, a decade later, is the thought of him driving to work in his underwear.

And what scares me is that I fear that a little bit of his ‘crazy’, seems to have been passed on to me.

When I get up to go to work every day, I’m pretty much in a fog of sleep. I am barely awake in the morning, as I get dressed in the dark and stumble out to my car. I’m usually in a big time haze of sleep, and typically do things that don’t make a helluva lot of sense. Today, for instance, I realized when I got to work that I had on the wrong color shoes.

Anyway, knowing that I am slightly loopy in the morning, and always having the knowledge of my friend’s breakdown in the back of my mind, I am cursed every damn morning with a sudden panic attack as I’m walking through the parking lot into my office with the frightening thought that I FORGOT TO PUT MY PANTS ON TODAY!

I’m not kidding. Every morning, as I walk into my office, it suddenly occurs to me that I didn’t remember to put my pants on, and I quickly stop and inspect myself to ensure that I am in fact NOT walking into work in my speedos.

No, it has never happened so far, but that doesn’t mean it COULDN’T, right? I have this unrelenting fear that one day I will walk into work naked. It’s like having one of those dreams where you are in school and suddenly you don’t have clothes on. Every damn day.

Anyway, I’ll keep plugging along trying to remember to dress myself, but in the meantime, if any of you fine ladies could please send me pictures of you in YOUR underwear, I think it might help me start the healing process.

How will that help, exactly?

I dunno. Just don’t question it.

It’s SCIENCE, dammit.

32 comments:

sybil law said...

Going to work with no pants?!

I don't see the problem.

meleah rebeccah said...

The thought ANYONE driving to work in underwear, is alarming at best! And yes, that qualifies as Charlie Sheen crazy!

2abes said...

no suprise that the "elevator" doesn't go to the top floor. only kidding....but seriously you should also check to make sure that the barn door is closed and should manuever your car multiple times to make sure that it sits perfectly between the lines! If you do all that then I know your a little batshit crazy!

Slyde said...

sybil: yeah, maybe i shoudlnt, either...

p.s. thanks for the picture...

Slyde said...

meleah: yeah, i'd have to agree. p.s. thanks for the picture!

abes: multiple parking? yeah, thats crazy all right! p.s. thanks for the picture.

Annabelle said...

That's pretty hilarious. You, not your poor jacked in the head friend.

Considering how frantic my mornings are and how much of a morning person I am not, I think maybe I should start to worry that I've left the house in my knickers.

PS you're welcome for the picture

Slyde said...

anna: you crafty girl, you.. you beat me to it :)

Mrs. Hall said...

OOOHHHHH this is intriguing about your friend. what was the final diagnosis? my guess is either bipolar or schizophrenia. the bipolar may be the best guess, anger/rage is more typical in bipolar presentations.

but the erratic, nonsensical behavior, this is more the schizophrenia.

or perhaps he has a blend, schizoeffective disorder!!

what the final diagnosis?

how old was he when this happened!!

so many details are missing before I can diagnosis him!!

Slyde said...

from what i was told, his final diagnosis was bipolar disorder. i know he had to take medicine afterwards, but whenever i saw him after that, whatever he was on made him sleepy looking and lethargic.

We were all about 26-27 when this all went down.

p.s. thanks for the pictures.

Chris H said...

NO you are not getting a picture.

I am suprised you would worry about getting to work with no pants on... I mean... your 'equipment' is legendary accoring to you, why not show it off???

Just sayin...

Chris H said...

'according to you'... typo DOH

Slyde said...

legendary might be 'stretching' it a bit there...

hah! see what i did there? 'stretching' it?

holy shit i am a card!

SK Waller said...

But what if he did check and he hallucinated that he WAS dressed? If you're batty, your mind is going to tell you that you're dressed whether you are or not.

I worry about peeing at night. What if I'm really just dreaming I'm in the bathroom, but I'm really still asleep?

Nat said...

Nice try :-)

Slyde said...

steph: i actually did that once, a few years ago. i blogged about it a while back, but basically i was dreaming that i was at a bar with denzel washington and i got up to go to the bathroom. then i woke up to discover that i wet the bed.

nat: figured it was worth a shot.

Mrs. Hall said...

yeah, he did seem more bipolar, and left unchecked, the behavior becomes more disorganized, ie, no pants to work. sadly, the medications to slow your friend down well, slow people down. hence your friend seeming sleepy. there is a way to help that.

i did a post on one of my bipolar patients:

http://misseshall.blogspot.com/2009/12/machismo-as-viewed-by-nurse.html

that being said, no, you can't catch it. you however, have an underlying predispotition towards anxiety. which is the fear of the no pants thing.

so you check. which is understandable. but the anxiety prone folks, such as yourself, may turn checking into a full time job.

best to keep the checking in check!

;)

ok, you're welcome!

Bouncin' Barb said...

I can't help with the picture because usually I don't wear any. I do have a suggestion for you though. Keep a spare pair of pants, socks and a shirt in your car in case you do find that you went out without any. That way you're good to go and maybe knowing that you've got back up will take your mind off being nutty.

B.E. Earl said...

I thought you went commando 24/7?

Me? Do pajama bottoms count as pants? Then I wear pants every day.

PS - I sent you a picture.

AlleyCat said...

Mate, I think you'd better go out & invest in some new "undies" just in case :0)

PS my sis forgot to put on her knickers one day in primary school. most unfortunately for her she was wearing a full billowy skirt that day......

Marlene said...

If you saw a picture of me in my underwear, that would be an instant cure. You'd be wearing layers upon layers forever with that mental image burned into your head.

Bless My Bitchy Heart said...

Funny Funny post & funny comments! And I'm always amused when I hear the phrase "chemical imbalance". Sh*t! I am going to blog about that! Thanks for the giggle. Oh & here's some free advice: A 3 ring binder is a life saver in the naked high school dream...provides a bit of coverage while you dash to your gym locker for clothes.

Tamara said...

Your poor friend!

I work from home, so arriving in my underwear is no problem.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

When I leave the house, I look down to make sure my shirt is not on backwards or dirty (my kids think I'm a Kleenex) and also that I have shoes on. I have actually gotten into the car without shoes!

radioactive girl said...

When I used to swim at my gym, every single time I went from the locker room to the pool I had a brief panic that I forgot to put something on and was naked. Then the same on my way out of the locker room after showering and getting dressed. What I'm saying is that maybe it isn't just the story sticking with you that is making you do that because I have no such story to make my worry sound even a tiny bit sane.

MarkD60 said...

I had a dream I was at the airport naked once a long time ago.
And there was this guy where I used to work, every time he got drunk he'd end up being in the newspaper for walking down the middle of the street naked.

Slyde said...

holly: oh, i think ive got it in check. my ocd never takes over really.

barb: 10 pts to you for not wearing underwear! well done!

earl: i DO go commando alot of the times when im wearing jeans... everything feels nicer in there that way.

alley: do you have any pictures of that?

Slyde said...

marlene: i'd like to test that theory..

bitchy: i dont think a standard sized binder would be enough to cover my 'assets'

tamara: so you say.. but you STILL have never sent me proof...

twin: ok, going to work with no pants is understandable, but without shoes is just fucking weird...

radio: see, you get it! that is me exactly! it's like we're naked soulmates or something.

mark: well, at least he has the excuse that hes drunk... thats a helluva lot more believable than 'crazy'.

Lotus07 said...

A chemical imbalance in the brain never comes on quickly....it creeps up on you slowly....so you 'think' you are sane until the very last minute...

...look, it is creeping up on you now......(psyche)

Slyde said...

bruce: yeah, it creeps up on you, just like birthdays!

happy birthday!

p.s. thanks for the pictures.

AlleyCat said...

LOL no - she was 5 & I'm pretty sure if I did have any she'd have found & bonfired them by now!!!

Faiqa said...

I do that with my baby, Slyde. With my BABY. Not forgetting the pants, but every day when I get in the car to pick N. up from school, I get halfway there and panic. OMG, is he in the backseat? Did I leave him at home? Is he still in the garage?
That was meant to be a funny comment, but I think I just came off as kind of sad. I know... I'll just type...ZOMBIES!! That always seems to lighten things up.

Slyde said...

alley: she was 5? you just took the sexy right out of that story... :(

faiqa: zombies! cool!

the mood has been lightened!