Secret Agent Man

I foiled a worldwide espionage terrorist plot yesterday.

My neighbor, who is currently having extensive work done on his house (adding a second floor, new kitchen, etc), is also a NYC detective.

Often times, he takes some high profile security details and fugitive transports. For instance, he’ll often tell me that he needs to go out of town for a few days to escort a prisoner out of state where they are due to stand trial. Whenever he tells me about this stuff, I always feel like he is leaving something out….. like there is much more to the story that he’s not allowed to tell me.

Anyway, yesterday morning, I was walking out to my car to leave for work (with my pants on… yay!), when I noticed an odd-looking van parked in front of his house.

Not thinking TOO much about it, I kept on to my car, until I noticed that there was an official looking emblem on the side of the van. Granted, it was pretty far away, but it sure looked like a government seal.

Then I saw that, printed on the side of the van, were the words “CIA – COUNTER INTELLIGENCE AGENCY”.

“Holy Shit!”, he must be doing one of his super-spy thingies.

Then I thought, “Way to be discreet, CIA! Why don’t you just plaster your phone number on the side panels?”

In any event, now my curiosity was peaked. Just what the Hell was my neighbor up to THIS time that he’s apparently working with the CIA?

My curiosity went apeshit when I suddenly noticed that the back doors of the van were left flung open, and no one seemed to be anywhere near the vehicle.

Now, I’ve watched enough seasons of ‘24’ to know that when there is an abandoned government vehicle, it usually means that there are some dead secret agents and a portable nuclear device somewhere nearby.

So, I sprung into action!

I stealthed my way over to the van, ready to incapacitate whatever member of Al Qaeda I came across with my Tupperware of leftover pasta.

Slowly, I crept. Closer… ever closer to the back doors of the van…..

As I came around the back of the vehicle, waiting to pounce, I noticed writing on the back panels of the van….

“Visit our website today! WWW.CIACOUNTERS.COM”

Visit our website? What the fuck? That certainly seems to be an OVERLY friendly message for the CIA to be giving to random motorists…..

And THAT’s when it finally hit me.

The van is from THIS PLACE. It’s a company that sells and installs kitchen countertops.

As I was standing there in my Karate-Kid crane posture, ready to decapitate some poor Mexican day laborer, my stupidity FINALLY started to creep in.

In my defense, that logo really DID look official. Well, from a hundred yards away, anyway…..

Ok, so HOW EXACTLY did I foil a worldwide espionage terrorist plot yesterday?

If I told you, I’d have to kill you.