Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Secret Agent Man

I foiled a worldwide espionage terrorist plot yesterday.

My neighbor, who is currently having extensive work done on his house (adding a second floor, new kitchen, etc), is also a NYC detective.

Often times, he takes some high profile security details and fugitive transports. For instance, he’ll often tell me that he needs to go out of town for a few days to escort a prisoner out of state where they are due to stand trial. Whenever he tells me about this stuff, I always feel like he is leaving something out….. like there is much more to the story that he’s not allowed to tell me.

Anyway, yesterday morning, I was walking out to my car to leave for work (with my pants on… yay!), when I noticed an odd-looking van parked in front of his house.

Not thinking TOO much about it, I kept on to my car, until I noticed that there was an official looking emblem on the side of the van. Granted, it was pretty far away, but it sure looked like a government seal.

Then I saw that, printed on the side of the van, were the words “CIA – COUNTER INTELLIGENCE AGENCY”.

“Holy Shit!”, he must be doing one of his super-spy thingies.

Then I thought, “Way to be discreet, CIA! Why don’t you just plaster your phone number on the side panels?”

In any event, now my curiosity was peaked. Just what the Hell was my neighbor up to THIS time that he’s apparently working with the CIA?

My curiosity went apeshit when I suddenly noticed that the back doors of the van were left flung open, and no one seemed to be anywhere near the vehicle.

Now, I’ve watched enough seasons of ‘24’ to know that when there is an abandoned government vehicle, it usually means that there are some dead secret agents and a portable nuclear device somewhere nearby.

So, I sprung into action!

I stealthed my way over to the van, ready to incapacitate whatever member of Al Qaeda I came across with my Tupperware of leftover pasta.

Slowly, I crept. Closer… ever closer to the back doors of the van…..

As I came around the back of the vehicle, waiting to pounce, I noticed writing on the back panels of the van….

“Visit our website today! WWW.CIACOUNTERS.COM”

Visit our website? What the fuck? That certainly seems to be an OVERLY friendly message for the CIA to be giving to random motorists…..

And THAT’s when it finally hit me.

The van is from THIS PLACE. It’s a company that sells and installs kitchen countertops.

As I was standing there in my Karate-Kid crane posture, ready to decapitate some poor Mexican day laborer, my stupidity FINALLY started to creep in.

In my defense, that logo really DID look official. Well, from a hundred yards away, anyway…..

Ok, so HOW EXACTLY did I foil a worldwide espionage terrorist plot yesterday?

If I told you, I’d have to kill you.

25 comments:

B.E. Earl said...

You really DO want to be Jack Bauer, don't you?

Slyde said...

maybe i do, and MAYBE I DO!

Susan Higgins said...

I love how you tell a story... Good ending, I didn't expect it. My mind went to you being shot or arrested.

Faiqa said...

Whew... so the kitchen counter installing cover thing actually works?! I'll let the higher ups know. They'll definitely be pleased. I didn't think it would get past you, personally.

Slyde said...

sue: thats where MY mind was, too!

faiqa: drat! ive been bested!

Lotus07 said...

"Now, I’ve watched enough seasons of ‘24’ to know that when there is an abandoned government vehicle, it usually means that there is are some dead secret agents and a portable nuclear device somewhere nearby."......the media has brainwashed you COMPLETELY.....

Eventually, they will have you uttering the words....."sure Sarah Palin would make a good President".

(Funny story by the way....Karate Kid Crane-like pose had me giggling.)

Bouncin' Barb said...

You had me on the floor. That was too friggen' funny. Especially using that tupperware of pasta as a weapon. Very smart Agent 86.

Slyde said...

bruce: i will NEVER be THAT brainwashed...

barb: nope, im agent 69.

sybil law said...

I'm so glad you saved the day, Slyde. God knows what kinda formica bullshit might've happened if you hadn't!

Bless My Bitchy Heart said...

Thank YOU! Awesome story! That was So freaking funny!

Annabelle said...

Nice job 007. I'll sleep better tonight just knowing you're out there.

Too funny.

Marlene said...

Laughed out loud when I read the tupperware line! LOL!!!!!

Hey, we're getting new countertops put in soon...please don't be alarmed! LOL!

Slyde said...

sybil: it coulda been formica ANARCHY!

bitchy: YW :)

anna: yes, wherever there are rogue countertops afoot, i'll be there!

marlene: ok, i'll try to breathe through my mouth...

MarkD60 said...

Keeping the world a safer place, it's a tough, dirty, thankless job, but somebody's gotta do it!

Slyde said...

And i didnt even get the girl....

:(

Colleen said...

Haha, that's quite good.:)

I find myself in that sort of dramatic situation all the time and usually am glad that there are no witnesses so I can just carry on my merry way like nothing happened.:)

Slyde said...

yes, no witnesses this time around...

winning!

meleah rebeccah said...

Ahahhahahahah! That is too fucking funny, Slyde!

Zuzana said...

You truly have a very cool writing style.;) I enjoy your sense of humor and "as a matter of fact" attitude. Loved reading several of your posts - very original.;)
Thank you so much for stopping by my place today and for your kind touching comment.
xoxo

Slyde said...

meleah: not at the time,it wasnt....

zuzana: anytime. i meant it too. thanks for stopping by! :)

Tamara said...

@Zuzana: kind, touching comment. Yup, that sounds like Slyde. Especially the 'touching' bit.

Slyde said...

tam, thats not very nice. Did we have a fight? cause im waiting for make-up sex...

Cocaine Princess said...

Brilliantly written post, so descriptive, almost as if I was there with you.

Cia Counters- Wow- talk about great advertising!

Tamara said...

Slyde: You'll be waiting a looong time.

And you know it's the truth. I just got to say you like touching before you did ;-)

Jill/Twipply Skwood said...

WOW! How did I miss so many posts?!?!?! All this time I never knew the CIA did countertops...
:-)