Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I Hate Gnomes!

Ok, not really.

I just hate PEOPLE.

On Saturday, I took Mini-Me to see “Gnomio and Juliet” and almost strangled some bitch to death at the concession stand.

We were running late, since the ticket line was longer than anticipated. (And as an aside, what the HELL are so many people doing taking their kids to see an 11AM movie? Don’t these people have lives? The sun is out, for God sakes! Go ride a bike! And don’t get me started on the fact that 2 MATINEE tickets for 1 adult and 1 child cost me 18 fucking dollars! Bah, in my day, I could get a movie ticket, drinks, a full lobster dinner, and a hooker, all for a nickel and a pair of nylons…. Ok, where was I?)

Anyway, by the time we got our tickets, we were running late, and of course Mini-Me can’t watch a movie without munching on Sour Patch Kids, so NOW we were forced to wait on the concession line from Hell. The minutes passed by slowly as we inched our way to the front.

When we were about 3 people from the counter, I noticed the people behind me, a 40ish woman and her 10 year old son, were whispering about something.

I heard her son say: “Hey mom! It looks like they are going to open a second register! When they open it, we should run right over!”

Thinking that no self respecting parent would ever endorse blatant “cutting”, I didn’t give it another thought…..

That is, until the 2 little shits ran past us and sailed up to the counter as soon as the second clerk took his position.

The bitch turned her back to me as if to hide herself from what she did.

No way. No FUCKING way.

I said, kinda loudly, “Are you kidding me, lady?”

No response. She wouldn’t even turn around.

So I got louder, and said it again. Still nuthin’.

To my defense, I just wanted the witch to acknowledge what she did. I didn’t want to make a big scene, especially with Mini-Me there, but when you turn your back to me and pretend I don’t exist?

Well, let’s just say that THAT is a really quick way to get my Sicilian blood boiling.

So, I started being a very loud smartass.

“I Can’t BELIEVE that someone would teach their child that jumping ahead in a line is the right way to act.”

“Son, remember when YOU learned in kindergarten that cutting is not nice? Well, apparently SOME PEOPLE never graduated from that grade!”

“Hey, maybe somewhere along the way I misunderstood the concept of a line. Maybe only every THIRD PERSON gets helped!”

On and on and on. I was right pissed by this point, and past experience has taught me that I was not going to be able to stop until she at least acknowledged that I was alive.

She must have finally realized that I wasn’t going to stop. My ranting had started to attract a bit of a crowd, so she must have figured it was finally time to deal with me.

She turned around and gave me a sheepish “Well, the line was open……”

That’s when I finally popped.

“Yes, the line opened, and I was ABOUT to move to it when you barreled past us. But that’s OK. I’m sure you’re a VERY busy person. Hey, maybe you’re late for a movie or something? Then by all means, feel free to cut in front of me, BECAUSE I COME HERE JUST TO EAT THE DAMN POPCORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

With that, the entire line behind me burst into giggles, and the woman, looking like she just got caught pooping on the floor, grabbed her little monster by the hand and ran off.

And I got a standing O from the crowd behind me.

After getting our candy, Mini-Me looked up at me and said “Daddy, were you going to kill that lady?”

“No, son.”

“But I sure THOUGHT about it……”


Verdant Earl said...

You should have killed her. Or at least you should have given her a noogie.

sybil law said...

That is SO something that I would do!

Slyde said...

earl: i didnt want to touch her. she wasnt hot.

sybil: i KNEW that. we are freakishly similar. except that i wouldnt fuck dave grohl,

BB said...

That was awesome. Wish I was there to see it!!

Radioactive Tori said...

That is awesome! I always wonder what people think they are teaching their kids when they cut.

One time my son did something similar to what you did. It was hilarious to see my 5 year old talking about the bad manners of an adult.

Slyde said...

barb: i honestly kinda wish i WASNT there to see it.

radioactive: your son has balls. MY son was mortified.

Raquel's World said...

Love it! Great to call people to the carpet on their shit especially in public.

Jill said...

Dear, dear, dear. Someone at the grocery store cut in line, seemingly by accident. But she was ALL OVER the guy who tried to point out her transgression, so maybe it was on purpose after all.

So funny on his question! Yes son, cutting in line is punishable by death...

Slyde said...

raquel: U got it.

Jill: thats honestly the reaction i was expecting from her. my surprise.

Bruce Johnson said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for making my day. I actaully laughed at this. Who hasnen't this happened to? Good Response. If we ever go to the movies together, I will buy your fucking $18 ticket.

Slyde said...

bruce: deal!

Susan Higgins said...

I wish I was in line behind you; now this was a funny post.

Thanks for making me laugh out loud.

Marlene said...

Ha ha ha...I love your guts!! I will often say something, too...but you just wouldn't let it go... and I love it! She so deserved that!! (I would have stuck my foot out and tripped her, though. Passive aggression, perhaps?)

AlleyCat Runs said...

Love your boilin' Sicilian blood!

PS how was the movie??

Ca88andra said...

That was hilarious! I would have been doubled over with uncontrollable laughter if I'd been there!

Bless My Bitchy Heart said...

Good job Mini Me's dad! Line cutters suh UCK!

i am the diva said...

that's so awesome.

meleah rebeccah said...

What a BITCH. And your reaction to her was awesome. That is totally something my hot-blooded-Italian-father would have done too!

Slyde said...

susan: you're quite welcome!

marlene: its only because she wouldnt have acknowledge me that set me off.

alley: honestly, i thought it was just so so. mini-me loved it (but he thought there was too much kissing in it)

ca88andra: in retrospect, it WAS kinda funny

Slyde said...

bitchy: word!

diva: but you already KNEW i was awesome....

meleah: see? one more reason why we are destined to be together....

AlleyCat Runs said...

lol my neice hates any kissing in movies. I liked the title so was hoping the filk might be ok

Cocaine Princess said...

I don't blame you at all for saying the things you did. It irks me how people can be so rude out in public.

P.S. I too love Sour Patch Kids.

Shabbygal said...

I love that you did that! Must be something to that Cicilian thing! I have an Italian temper at times and I just can't seem to let it go until acknowledged too. Traci

Slyde said...

alley: yeah, i'd say it was just ok. not great, but ok.

cocaine: i will NOT admit to having eaten half the bag... i most certainly will not.

shabby: yeah, i guess its in the blood. :)

Chris H said...

WELL DONE MATE... my husband would have done the exact same thing as you did.
For once I am right behind ya... WELL DONE again.

Slyde said...

for only ONCE? :(

Tamara said...

Yes, in situations like these I often hear my hubby praying under his breath, "God, give me patience. But don't give me strength, coz I'll bloody well kill her."

Slyde said...

see? its not just me!

Paticus said...

Nicely done...I'm always hesitant to say that kinda stuff, because I don't know how I'd react if the person acted like they did nothing wrong. Kudos to you sir!