On Saturday, I took Mini-Me to see “Gnomio and Juliet” and almost strangled some bitch to death at the concession stand.
We were running late, since the ticket line was longer than anticipated. (And as an aside, what the HELL are so many people doing taking their kids to see an 11AM movie? Don’t these people have lives? The sun is out, for God sakes! Go ride a bike! And don’t get me started on the fact that 2 MATINEE tickets for 1 adult and 1 child cost me 18 fucking dollars! Bah, in my day, I could get a movie ticket, drinks, a full lobster dinner, and a hooker, all for a nickel and a pair of nylons…. Ok, where was I?)
Anyway, by the time we got our tickets, we were running late, and of course Mini-Me can’t watch a movie without munching on Sour Patch Kids, so NOW we were forced to wait on the concession line from Hell. The minutes passed by slowly as we inched our way to the front.
When we were about 3 people from the counter, I noticed the people behind me, a 40ish woman and her 10 year old son, were whispering about something.
I heard her son say: “Hey mom! It looks like they are going to open a second register! When they open it, we should run right over!”
Thinking that no self respecting parent would ever endorse blatant “cutting”, I didn’t give it another thought…..
That is, until the 2 little shits ran past us and sailed up to the counter as soon as the second clerk took his position.
The bitch turned her back to me as if to hide herself from what she did.
No way. No FUCKING way.
I said, kinda loudly, “Are you kidding me, lady?”
No response. She wouldn’t even turn around.
So I got louder, and said it again. Still nuthin’.
To my defense, I just wanted the witch to acknowledge what she did. I didn’t want to make a big scene, especially with Mini-Me there, but when you turn your back to me and pretend I don’t exist?
Well, let’s just say that THAT is a really quick way to get my Sicilian blood boiling.
So, I started being a very loud smartass.
“I Can’t BELIEVE that someone would teach their child that jumping ahead in a line is the right way to act.”
“Son, remember when YOU learned in kindergarten that cutting is not nice? Well, apparently SOME PEOPLE never graduated from that grade!”
“Hey, maybe somewhere along the way I misunderstood the concept of a line. Maybe only every THIRD PERSON gets helped!”
On and on and on. I was right pissed by this point, and past experience has taught me that I was not going to be able to stop until she at least acknowledged that I was alive.
She must have finally realized that I wasn’t going to stop. My ranting had started to attract a bit of a crowd, so she must have figured it was finally time to deal with me.
She turned around and gave me a sheepish “Well, the line was open……”
That’s when I finally popped.
“Yes, the line opened, and I was ABOUT to move to it when you barreled past us. But that’s OK. I’m sure you’re a VERY busy person. Hey, maybe you’re late for a movie or something? Then by all means, feel free to cut in front of me, BECAUSE I COME HERE JUST TO EAT THE DAMN POPCORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
With that, the entire line behind me burst into giggles, and the woman, looking like she just got caught pooping on the floor, grabbed her little monster by the hand and ran off.
And I got a standing O from the crowd behind me.
After getting our candy, Mini-Me looked up at me and said “Daddy, were you going to kill that lady?”