Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I’m Not Gonna Say That I’m ALWAYS Right…..

…. but I am. Really.

Exhibit A.

Last night, after doing this dishes (that’s right… I do the dishes. I’m manly, gorgeous, AND good with my hands!), Friz sauntered over, and the following conversation took place.

Friz: Why aren’t all of the glasses in the drainboard?

Me: What?

Friz: You put some of the glasses on the counter, and not in the drain board to let them dry.

Me: What difference does it make?

Friz: It makes a difference to ME. I prefer them to all be in the drain board.

Me: Have you taken a look at all the glasses and plates that I DO have in the drain board?

Friz: Yeah, so?

Me: Yeah, so? There is NO room for the extra glasses, so I’m letting them dry on the counter.

Friz: What do you mean, there’s no room. Of course there’s room!

Me: No there’s not. Where do you see any room to put these glasses?

Friz: Just rest them on top of the other glasses.

Me: You can’t do that… they’ll fall and break.

Friz: No, they won’t.

Me: Yes, they will.

Friz: No, they won’t. Believe me… I do the dishes every damn day, and I stack the glasses every damn day, and the glasses are just fine.

Me: I don’t know WHAT the Hell you do every damn day, but THIS damn day, there is too much shit in the drain board, and if I try to rest those extra glasses on top, they are going to break.

Friz: They WOULD break, if YOU did it. But I do this all the time…. Just move over and let ME do it. I don’t want glasses getting my counter all wet.

Me: That is a very stupid plan.

Friz: You don’t know what you are talking about…. Really. Here, let me show you…..

And with that, Friz bumped me to the side, and began to stack the offending glasses on top of the others.

It really DID look like an expert job. I could tell that she in fact DOES do this all the time by the expert way that she stacked glass after glass……

…. The near perfect form she used as each item got perfectly perched upon another…….

In fact, it was SO perfect, that it took a WHOLE TEN SECONDS for one of the glasses to begin to slide off the one it was sitting on, tip over, and do a series of fucking end-over-end somersaults down the pile of dishes, off the counter, where it admittedly made a near PERFECT explosion of glass shards as it came crashing down onto our kitchen floor.

We both stood there for a few seconds, neither one of us saying a word. Inside, I was feeling quite happy with myself.

I was about to either offer up an encouraging word of support, or throw out a really fucking sarcastic comment about what a good job she did, when she looked up at me and said…..

“Fuck you. And don’t say a DAMN word. And fuck you.”

To her credit, it really CAN’T be easy living with someone as perfectly awesome as myself.


2abes said...

i'm back douche bag

Verdant Earl said...

When someone critiques the way you are doing a household chore is the moment you should step away and let them do it for the rest of your life. It's that simple.

SK Waller said...

When things like this come up, I always stop and ask myself, "Is this worth destroying the peace over?" More times than not, it isn't.

And I agree with Earl.

Mrs. Hall said...

I'm with Earl. My rule is simple, if you give me more then 2 pieces of advice, or try to coach me more than two times while I am doing a chore, THE CHORE IS NOW YOURS.

helper beware!

Faiqa said...

Historically, on this blog, I have favored Friz in these little anecdotes, but, dude... when my husband is doing the dishes, I am nowhere NEAR the kitchen. Because, yeah, what earl said.

I do, however, upon finishing up cleaning the kitchen for the night (which I do 90% of the time) say, "Honey, come here. Stand right here (in the middle of the kitchen). Look around. This? THIS is a clean kitchen."

And, then, he gets this look on his face that I'm pretty sure results from doing a quick calculation of alimony and child support and deciding it's not worth it, and he says, "Yeah, okay, I get it."

Unknown said...

ah yes...the burden of omnipotence.

Earl is absolutely correct.

Slyde said...

abes: welcome back douche bag!

earl: agreed, douche bag!

steph: please dont agree with earl

holly: please dont agree with earl

faiqa: please dont agree with earl

anna: please dont agree with earl

sybil law said...

If you were washing your dishes CORRECTLY, and with water so boiling hot they would dry damn near immediately, this wouldn't be an issue at all.
Oh, and what Earl said.

BB said...

If I were you I would have began laughing hysterically. Probably would have caused a fight but how could you not laugh.

Marlene said...

You were right! I'm with Earl, too. Let Fritz do the dang dishes from now on! ;)

Jill said...

Yeah, I'm going to have to say Earl called this one. It's like, you kind'a either have to be happy with how it's being done or do it yourself. I've never really been able to find any other options that didn't cause a bunch of arguments or resentment or both.

MarkD60 said...

Of course you're always right! And I'm always right too!
And I do dishes.

Radioactive Tori said...

That is really funny. But I hate when things like that happen to me.

Did you always have the thousand part on the number of people who commented? I only noticed it today and think it is hilarious!

Expat No. 3699 said...

What Earl said...and I think you should go buy her a second drain board.

Slyde said...

sybil: oooh, you! i think you need a good spanking!

barb: oh belive me.. there was much laughter.

marlene: im down with that.

jill: obviously, you have not met Friz. She's a bit of a take-charge personality.

mark: you sound perfect! will you marry me? :)

radioactive: nope, i just added it last week. I admit, i swiped the idea from some blog or another that i saw last week. I'm not above stealing someone else's good ideas!

3699: and a new glass......

AlleyCat Runs said...

lol love it!!!! Poor Friz....

I don't stack the glasses on top of each other because the water gets trapped between & they don't dry properly.

then again, the only ones I hand wash are my fancy pants red wine glasses........the rest are done in the machine!!

Tamara said...

I wish Fritz had a blog so we could hear about all the times this happens the other way around ;-)

I also dig your thousand comment idea, even if it is stolen.

Slyde said...

alley: we mostly use the machine too, but i have to admit, that sometimes i find doing the dishes a relaxing end to my day.

tam: please! friz barely even comes here to READ my shit. the odds that she'll ever take to blogging are slim to none.

AlleyCat Runs said...

Relaxing: dude, you are showing signs of old age!!!!! lol!!!

Bruce Johnson said...

There are times when life just dosen't get any better than this.

(and women just can't stand it)

meleah rebeccah said...

ahahhahaah! that's too funny.