Thursday, February 24, 2011

Dead Island

It’s no secret here that I love video games, is it?

I mean, I’d LIKE to keep it a secret, but only because I feel that admitting that I sit around the house eating chicken pot pie in my underwear while playing Call Of Duty till 2A.M. has never been the catalyst I thought it would to facilitate getting me laid.

Anyway, on top of being a video game fan, I am also a huge fan of the horror genre. I love ALL horror, but if forced to pick my favorite type, I’d have to go with ‘zombie survival’ horror. The original Dawn of the Dead still scares the heebie-jeebies outta me.

So, what could possibly be better than EITHER video games OR zombies?

That’s easy…. Video games ABOUT zombies!

I’ve played just about every zombie game ever made…… from Left for Dead, to the Resident Evil games, to just about everything in between.

So, it should come as no surprise that when the trailer for the upcoming video game, DEAD ISLAND, went viral last week, I was all over it. I am so stoked for this game that my pants are tight with undead-excitement!

Anyway, the trailer has caused as much ‘controversy’ as it has ‘hoopla’. Plenty of people have expressed concern over the violent depiction of the girl in the video, condemning it as a form of child abuse.

It’s a very adult theme, I’ll admit, but I for one think it’s pretty stylish and really makes you wake up and take notice, which, I’m sure, was the developer’s intent.

So far noticeably absent from the raging internet debate has been any representatives from the Zombie Defamation League. I mean, there’s only 1 child affected in the video below, but DOZENS of the living-impaired are irrevocably injured, both physically and emotionally, by the callous actions of the humans in the clip.

I, for one, am OUTRAGED at this egregious, zombie-harming, behavior.

Anyway, like I said, I’m a bit biased when it comes to this sort of thing.. what you do all think?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I’m Not Gonna Say That I’m ALWAYS Right…..

…. but I am. Really.

Exhibit A.

Last night, after doing this dishes (that’s right… I do the dishes. I’m manly, gorgeous, AND good with my hands!), Friz sauntered over, and the following conversation took place.

Friz: Why aren’t all of the glasses in the drainboard?

Me: What?

Friz: You put some of the glasses on the counter, and not in the drain board to let them dry.

Me: What difference does it make?

Friz: It makes a difference to ME. I prefer them to all be in the drain board.

Me: Have you taken a look at all the glasses and plates that I DO have in the drain board?

Friz: Yeah, so?

Me: Yeah, so? There is NO room for the extra glasses, so I’m letting them dry on the counter.

Friz: What do you mean, there’s no room. Of course there’s room!

Me: No there’s not. Where do you see any room to put these glasses?

Friz: Just rest them on top of the other glasses.

Me: You can’t do that… they’ll fall and break.

Friz: No, they won’t.

Me: Yes, they will.

Friz: No, they won’t. Believe me… I do the dishes every damn day, and I stack the glasses every damn day, and the glasses are just fine.

Me: I don’t know WHAT the Hell you do every damn day, but THIS damn day, there is too much shit in the drain board, and if I try to rest those extra glasses on top, they are going to break.

Friz: They WOULD break, if YOU did it. But I do this all the time…. Just move over and let ME do it. I don’t want glasses getting my counter all wet.

Me: That is a very stupid plan.

Friz: You don’t know what you are talking about…. Really. Here, let me show you…..

And with that, Friz bumped me to the side, and began to stack the offending glasses on top of the others.

It really DID look like an expert job. I could tell that she in fact DOES do this all the time by the expert way that she stacked glass after glass……

…. The near perfect form she used as each item got perfectly perched upon another…….

In fact, it was SO perfect, that it took a WHOLE TEN SECONDS for one of the glasses to begin to slide off the one it was sitting on, tip over, and do a series of fucking end-over-end somersaults down the pile of dishes, off the counter, where it admittedly made a near PERFECT explosion of glass shards as it came crashing down onto our kitchen floor.

We both stood there for a few seconds, neither one of us saying a word. Inside, I was feeling quite happy with myself.

I was about to either offer up an encouraging word of support, or throw out a really fucking sarcastic comment about what a good job she did, when she looked up at me and said…..

“Fuck you. And don’t say a DAMN word. And fuck you.”

To her credit, it really CAN’T be easy living with someone as perfectly awesome as myself.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Geeking It Up, Old Skool

I know this might surprise many of you, but I am a bit of a geek.

I know, I know. Believe me, I know what you’re thinking….. “But Slyde, how could someone with your killer good looks and sparkling personality EVER be mistaken for a nerd?”

Well, it wasn’t easy. As a child, I really had to work at it.

And the machine in the banner pic was really how it all started.

Back during the holidays of 1981, a wee little Mini-Slyde awoke Christmas day to the best present a little boy could ever ask for…

His first computer.

I cannot express to you all how excited I was to have my very own computer. I felt like I had been given the power to do, to CREATE, anything I wanted. If I needed to write a report for school, I could kick my typewriter to the curb….. on this baby I could FIX MY MISTAKES WITHOUT USING WHITEOUT!!!

And of course, the games. Oh God, the games.

I felt like I had been given my very own arcade, conveniently plopped right into my bedroom. And once I was able to purchase a disk drive a few months later, my gaming obsession knew no bounds. I quickly amassed a stockpile of hundreds of games. I would post on local bulletin boards, meeting other kids in the area, and meet up with them so we could pirate each other’s games.

And then I took things to the next level, when I began to learn to be a programmer. I devoured books on programming, hungry to learn all I could. Before long, I was no longer limited to playing games OTHER people made….. I could program my own games! I would sit for hours, thinking up the coolest concepts I could think of, and then would spend weeks trying to program my ideas into reality.

I LOVED those days. And that love of programming has never left me. It shaped me enough to make computer programming my desired vocation for my adult life.

As the years went by, and I got older, computers got more and more sophisticated. My old Atari couldn’t do half of what the newer, spiffier models could do. Plus, I also learned that there was this OTHER cool thing to play with… girls.

Anyway, time and circumstances marched on, and my old binary friend got shelved to my mom’s attic. I hadn’t seen it in over 20 years.

Until last weekend.

Feeling nostalgic, I decided to rummage through my mom’s attic to look for it. My mom, wrong as ever, adamantly INSISTED that she had thrown it out years ago. When I came across a big, dusty box in the far back of the attic, I knew I had struck pay dirt.

For the first time in a LONG time, I have been reunited with my old Atari 800 personal computer.

The years have not been kind to the old girl. Upon inspecting the box, I noticed that she’s a little banged up, and I seem to be missing some key parts which I can only assume at this point have long since been thrown out.

After rifling through the box’s contents for a while, I decided it would be my mission to get this baby up and running again. I think it would be a cool project for Mini-Me and myself to do together.

Once I made my decision to get my old computer working again, my next step was where to begin? It’s not like I can go to Best Buy and get parts for this old baby.

Enter the magic of the internet.

I found a dude who, for the past 20 years, has been visiting old warehouses around the country, and buying up all the old Atari parts he finds. I have no idea WHY exactly, but I’m not going to question it. After speaking to him on the phone yesterday, I placed my first order of parts in what I hope will be the first step to getting an integral piece of my childhood up and running again.

Will the magic that had captivated me for so many years in my youth, hold up today? Would dusting off these memories and putting them under the harsh glare of 2011 diminish the magical memories of my childhood?

You know what? Right now, I don’t give a fig. I am excited to take the next step and show my son a major part of my childhood that helped shape who I am today.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

When 20-Something’s Attack….

Ah, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times…..

As I previously mentioned, on Saturday I decided to take Friz out for her birthday, and because I am as sweet as I am sexy, I decided to take 19 of her closest friends with us for a night of dinner and drunken debauchery. I even had some of her friends from out of state drive down and stay with us for the weekend.

Anyway, about a month ago I made reservations for all of us to go to Blue for dinner first, followed by a drinks and dancing in their accompanying club. I had ORIGINALLY intended to surprise everyone by picking up the tab, until I realized that because this was Valentine’s weekend, they had a special menu price-fixed at $65 a head. I’m all for being generous, but that dinner, with drinks and tip included, would have run me over $2000, so I shit-canned THAT bit of generosity quickly.

Regardless, it was a pretty fun night. We stayed out and partied till about 2A.M, which we haven’t done in a LOOONG time. Plus, I discovered my new favorite shot…. chilled SoCo with lime. They went down easy. TOO fucking easy.

And the best part of the night was that I didn’t throw up all over my shirt and fall asleep naked on the stairs like the LAST time we all got together! Win-Win!

Anyway, I would ALMOST say that the night was a PERFECT success if it were not a little incident that transpired when we left.

As I said, we had people staying with us, and we wanted to take ONE care to the club, so my chick-magnet convertible was not going to cut it. Much as I despise the thing, Friz demanded that we take her mini-van.

As I stood in the freezing cold at the end of the night waiting among the crowd for the Valet to bring the car around, I began to get a tad antsy. A quick perusal of the crowd told me that most of the people standing outside were hip, trendy 20-somethings.

I asked Friz, “Hey, do you think these kids are gonna give us any shit when the minivan pulls up?”

“Shit? Of course not. Why would they give us any shit?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Yeah, you’re probably right.”

Of course, I should have went with my gut……

As soon as the big behemoth pulled around the corner, a fucking AVALANCHE of jeers and smart-assed comments welled up from the crowd….

“Hey, who’s fucking car is that?”

“Why don’t you pick up some prunes on the way home to keep you regular!”

“Hey who’s got grandpa’s colostomy bag?”

And on and on and on….

I just threw everyone into the van and drove off as quickly as I could.

I have to admit, I’m not used to being made fun of. After all, I’m gorgeous, I have a near-perfect body, and I’m hung like a horse. I’M the one who usually gets to make fun of OTHER people, dammit!

Anyhoo, the night was a success. Friz and her crew had fun, and the night didn’t end with me vomiting or having to punch some asshole in the neck, both of which have killed more than a few nights for me in the past.

But next time I’m taking my own fucking car.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

SNL Is Rarely Funny….

… but when it IS, I feel strangely compelled to post about it.

Maybe I do it just to subconsciously justify the fact that I have not missed an episode of Saturday Night Live in over 10 years now.

Whatever the reason, SNL continues to have its strongest skits when it lets its talented cast do some celebrity impersonations. This skit, for me at least, really highlighted just how talented these guys can be sometimes….

Anyway, my favorite part of this one was Fred Armissen (A Valley Stream native, like me! Woot! Represent!) doing his take on Ice T.


P.S.  Friz has a big birthday coming up next week, so being the kick-ass man I am, I am taking 19 of her closest friends out Saturday night for an evening of debauchery.  It will NOT end with me throwing up on myself after doing 15 tequilla shots.  Most certainly not.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

For The Blind

Sometimes, Mini-Me cracks me up when I least expect it. It’s one of the reasons why he was voted “Best Kid Ever” 8 years in a row. By me, anyway…..

He and I were went out yesterday for a healthy dinner at “Cheeburger Cheeburger” and while he was sipping his “Oreo/Smores Milkshake”, the following conversation took place…

Mini: Daddy, today in school we learned about Biographies!

Studly: That’s cool. Did you learn about anyone in particular?

Mini: Yup, we learned all about Louis Braille.

Studly: Louis Braille? I’ve heard of him. So, what did you learn about him?

Mini: Well, he was a very important man, who lived a long time ago. He died in the 1850’s.

Studly: That sounds about right. But, what is he famous for?

Mini: He invented dots!!

At that, I nearly choked on my own zero-calorie “Peppermint Patty/Hot Fudge Milkshake” with laughter.

My little man can get me when I least expect it like no other.

p.s. Afterwards, when I asked him what else he knew about Louise Braille, he told me that he was pretty sure that he died by getting hit by a bus. Now admittedly, I’ve never been a history buff, but I’m FAIRLY certain that Greyhound wasn’t around back then. So unless this dude ALSO invented a time machine, I’m calling bullshit on that one.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Mr. Peanut Is Lonely

I was killing some time earlier today cruising around Youtube, mostly looking up stupid crap. 

As some of you know, I have a soft spot for bloopers.  Mostly news bloopers, but pretty much any kind of unintentional fuck-up gives me a cackle.

Anyway, in my hunt to find something to laugh at, I came across this oldy but goody.  I know I posted this one before, years ago, but damn it if it didnt just crack me up again like I was seeing it for the first time.

Anyway, give yourself a look-see at how not seeing the WHOLE picture can change one's perspective on things.  Gee, when I put it like that, it sounds like I just made a profound metaphore on life, instead of just talking about a peanut jacking off.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

I Got A Rock

Sometimes, I just can’t understand how people can be SO damn stupid.

Last night, I came home from work, and after dinner did what I do EVERY night of the week …

… I helped Mini-Me with his homework.

Every day, he brings home a folder with whatever his assignment is for the night. We sit at the island in our kitchen, and go through it, 1 item at a time.

This was his assignment from last night:

- Math workbook, Page 55

- Spelling, Page 20.

- Make sure to bring in a rock tomorrow so we can talk about the Earth.

Excuse me? A rock?

Sure, normally I’d have no problem getting his teacher a rock, lickety-split…..

And I’d sure as Heck LOVE to get her one for school today….

If not for just one, teensy, tiny, itsy-bitsy problem…….

What’s my problem with getting a rock?

Oh, I don’t know. But if I had to take a wild stab at it, I’d have to say that one of the things stopping me from finding a rock to put in my son’s knapsack for today is the small fact that THERE IS ABOUT 6 FUCKING FEET OF SNOW ON THE GROUND RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are you fucking kidding me? Does his teacher get to school by underground tunnel? It’s like the fucking end-of-days outside right now, and I’m supposed to snorkel under mountains of iced-over snow until I happen across a pebble?

Where does this bitch live?

What, is there some kind of “Day After Tomorrow” global emergency where the kids simply MUST learn about rocks tomorrow, or the earth will be doomed?

Was waiting until, I dunno, April or so, NOT a fucking option to discuss rocks with a bunch of 7 year olds?

Well, after some arguing and some crying (by me, not him), I finally convinced Mini-Me that we were NOT going out last night to dig holes in the snow until we chanced upon a rock. Hell, I called some other parents last night, and they were equally flabbergasted at the ridiculous timing of this request.

If his teacher REALLY needs to get the kids rocks as fast as possible, I have the perfect place for her to find some….

Her head.