Monday, August 30, 2010

A Story About 'Stripping' That Isn't Sexy At All



Last night’s conversation during dinner…..

Her: You know, the kitchen faucet is loose again. It’s all wobbly…

Me: I know, I just checked it out, and we need to be more careful with it. The screw that keeps it tight is starting to get stripped.

Her: But you fixed it?

Me: Yeah, but like I said, the plastic screw thingy piece is starting to strip.

Her: “Screw Thingy” Piece?

Me: That’s the technical term, yeah.

Her: Oh, Really?

Me: I don’t know what the Hell you call it. It’s like a plastic washer that screws over the hose and faucet under the sink to keep it all in place. I was just under the sink tightening it again and its getting stripped. We need to be careful with it.

Her: Well, then we might need to go by a new one.

Me: Where the hell am I going to get something like that? I don’t even know what the fuck it’s called.

Her: It’s easy. You just take it to Home Depot and show it to them and ask them what it is.

Me: Yeah, easy for you. I go into Home Depot with this thing and walk around like I’m mentally handicapped looking for a “real man” to help little feminine ME find what every OTHER guy in the store could look at and say “Oh, that’s a thingamabob! You really don’t know what that is? You’re a dick!”

Her: No one is going to say that.

Me: Yeah, but they “think” it. It’s humiliating.

Her: Whatever. We need a new thingamabob.

Me: Ooooor, you can just stop turning the faucet back and forth like you’re churning fucking butter and stop stripping the damn thing.

Her: I’m SUPPOSED to be able to swing it left and right. It’s made that way.

Me: And I’m SUPPOSED to know the name of things like this, but I don’t. Life is full of failed expectations.

Her: The Faucet is MADE to be able to be swung left and right….

Me: Obviously not. If it was MADE that way, the fucking thing wouldn’t be stripping.

Her: You’re an asshole.

Me: Maybe. Have fun washing the fucking dishes with the outside garden hose….

Monday, August 23, 2010

The Kids In The Hall Are Cooler Than You



The only good thing to ever come out of Canada were The Kids In The Hall.

Ok, maybe that’s not fair.

They also gave us syrup and hockey.

But then again, they also gave us Celine Fucking Dion, so all you Canucks should probably just be thankful that we haven’t nuked you yet.

But if we HAD nuked you back in the day, then we wouldn’t have been blessed with the Kids In The Hall.

You all know The Kids, don’t you?

TKITH was an all-male sketch comedy show that ran on Canadian TV back in the early 90’s. They used to play it here in the States on HBO. They were considered “edgy” back in the day because a member of their cast was openly gay, and the fact that rather than employ other actors, most times they just played the female parts in their sketches themselves, in drag.

Back in the day, Earl and I would watch The Kids religiously, and a weekend wouldn’t go by without one of us quoting a line from one of their sketches. I’ve been called a “Girl Drink Drunk” for 20 years now because of these bastards. If you check my archives, you'll see that I’ve praised the kids on these very pages more than once.

So, why am I writing again about them NOW?

Because, as I’m reading the online newspapers this morning, what do I spy with my sexy eye?

The Kids In The Hall have a new, 8-part TV show called “Death Comes To Town” on the Independent Film Channel.

And it starts TONIGHT!!!

Why the Holy Hell didn’t anyone tell me about this? What with all the fucking around I do on the internet each day (er…. I mean online researching), how did I NOT hear about this?

At any rate, thank goodness I heard about it in time to DVR it tonight.

I can’t find too much information about it, but it appears to kind of be a murder mystery/comedy show. Strikes me as something like a comedy version of Harper’s Island, which has GOT to be tons better than last Summer’s ACTUAL Harper’s Island.

Anyway, I’m IN, IN, and IN. Did I mention that I’m in?

I haven’t seen these guys do much together in the past 14 years since their movie “Brain Candy” came out. Holy Shit has it REALLY been 14 years?

Damn, Earl is getting old.

Angry Edit: Fuck, Fuck, and Double Fuck! Apparently the article i read this morning was a few days old. Episodes 1 and 2 already aired on Friday! Argggh!

Calming-Down Edit: Found the already-aired episodes on Itunes. I'll get 'em before this fridays new episode.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Something Stinks Around Here



I think my neighborhood has been transported to some weird, Bizarro universe where nearly everyone has forgotten how to act like a normal human being.

On Tuesday, while we were still recovering from last Sunday’s Brewhaha, my OTHER neighbor across the street from me (basically the only other person I like) came over to me and relayed this story:

Monday night, at about 12:30AM, she was awakened by a loud crash coming from her driveway.
After getting out of bed, she looked out her window, and didn’t see anything at all out of the ordinary. She was just about to go back to bed, when she saw a kid, no more than 12, pop his head up from near the curb in front of her house.

Thinking the kid was up to no good, she rushed to the front door, opened it, and yelled at the kid to kindly tell her what the fuck he was doing on their property. She said the kid looked up, panic-stricken and embarrassed, and told her that he was sorry, but he just fallen off of his bike in front of their house.

First off, the kid looked 12. What parent in their right mind would let their 12 year-old out at midnight, alone? I don’t even let my kid go to the bathroom without holding my hand. And THAT’S in our own house! What kind of asshat sends their kid off in the middle of the night and just hopes that they come home ok?

Second, the thing just smelled a little fishy to my neighbor, but the kid really DID look embarrassed, and really, what was she supposed to do? She asked him if he was alright, and if he needed any help, and if he wanted her to call his parents. The boy whimpered a “No, thank you”, hopped on his bike, and peddled off into the night.

My neighbor, thinking the whole thing odd, but wanting to actually get some sleep at least ONE night this damned week, finally dismissed it and went off to bed.

Cut to the next morning when she, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, left her house at 8:00AM to go to work.

As she approached her car, she made a gruesome discovery.

Can you guess what she found? As if the banner picture wasn’t enough of a gimme….

That’s right, ladies and gents….. displayed proudly on her driveway was a big steaming pile of poo.

I can only guess that the kid, upon having some emergency intestinal distress, realized he could not make it home in time without taking care of his problem, and dropped anchor in the first place he saw.

But really? IN HER FUCKING DRIVEWAY! Are you kidding me? Were all the nearby bushes and shrubs taken by OTHER people shitting in the street? I find it kind of hard to believe that this little shit (Ha HA! See what I did there?) couldn’t find a better spot if he absolutely HAD TO GO, than the middle of my neighbor’s driveway.

The entire time she was telling me this story, 2 things kept running through my mind.

This story is going to make me vomit....

and more importantly,

Thank GOD that he didn’t do it in MY fucking driveway.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

My Neighbor Sucks




I wanted to fucking KILL my neighbor this weekend.

There are only really 2 neighbors on my block that we are friendly with. The rest of them fall somewhere between the categories of ‘cool indifference’ to ‘big pricks who I want to run over with my lawnmower when I see them’. The people whose backyard is opposite mine have always been in the former category.

Until Sunday night.

It all started innocently enough. Last Wednesday, while I was in the backyard playing Hide and Seek with Mini-Me (p.s, have you ever played hide and seek with 2 people? It sucks!), my neighbor, who has lived next to me for about 5 years now, and who I have probably said about a dozen words to in that time, popped his head over the fence and told me that he was having a party on Sunday. He was real vague about it, but I’m pretty sure he asked me to stop by. While it was a nice gesture, I thought it was a tad strange since I don’t even know the guy’s name. I had no real intention of stopping by, however. You may have noticed that I’m not much of a ‘people’ person when it comes to strangers.

Anyway, as Sunday rolled around, I periodically looked outside to see if the party had started yet. As the day wore on, I had yet to see ANYONE at the party, even though their backyard was clearly decorated in ‘party-mode’.

2 P.M..… 5 P.M…..7 P.M. Every time I looked outside, more out of curiosity than anything, I didn’t see ANYONE there yet. I finally figured that since the weather wasn’t all that great, they must have cancelled it.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

At 8 P.M., I started to hear music, LOUD music, starting up in my neighbor’s backyard. When I looked outside, I saw at least 100 people in their backyard. Did I mention that the music was fucking LOUD? I mean, it was literally rattling my windows. I couldn’t even hear my damn television.

Now I was starting to get concerned. It was SUNDAY NIGHT, for crying out loud! You know… the day BEFORE most of the normal world has to get up early and begin their work week. How late did they intend for this party to go?

Later than I could fucking imagine.

I was getting madder and madder, and by 10 P.M. when I went to put Mini-Me to bed and the party was still in full force, I was ready to walk next door with a steel pipe and get Medieval on their asses.

I managed to keep my cool until 11 P.M., which is when I WANTED to get to bed. With the house still shaking to the sounds of some of the WORST fucking music I have ever heard, I was done. I mean DONE!

I told Friz, who had been trying to calm me down all night, that she could choose….. either I went over there and punched someone in the fucking throat, or I call the cops…. She could choose. Friz, always trying to be the good neighbor, begged me to just let it slide this one time. She didn’t want to start a war over this one incident.

Of course, SHE has this week off from work, so what the fuck did SHE care what time the party went on until?

Nonetheless, being the good husband that I am, I TRIED to go to sleep with the bed almost moving around the room to the beat.

One of my OTHER neighbors who apparently must not be as pussy-whipped as I am, must have decided that THEY had finally had enough. Sometime after 1 A.M, the music abruptly stopped.

I woke up yesterday morning, groggy, grumpy, and royally pissed off. I now KNOW that the only reason Mr. Shithead invited me was because they KNEW they were going to be assholes long into the night, and he wanted to try to avoid just this scenario.

Tell me… who the Hell would do something like this to their neighbors without prior cause. I mean seriously, would you EVER be so disrespectful to your neighbors on a work night?

I wouldn’t have pulled that shit on my neighbors in a million years.

Contrary to what some people might have you believe, I’m really NOT that big of an asshole.

I’ll admit that it’s close, though.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Jason Is My Imaginary Friend


My bitch Earl reminded me this morning that today is Friday 13th. And, its summer. And, for some reason the film studios weren’t quite smart enough to plan ahead and read a calendar in enough time to actually have a new Friday the 13th movie come out today.

The Friday the 13th films were hands-down my favorite slasher movies when I was growing up as a sexy young teen in the 80’s. I don’t know exactly what captivated me about these admittedly awful films, but I eagerly awaited each new installment. Maybe it was the boobies?

In any event, I used to have a good friend who was as into these movies as I was, and each time a new Friday the 13th was coming out, the night before it opened her and I would rent all the previous ones and watch them back to back into the wee-hours of the morning. And of course we were front row center in the theatre on opening night.

Looking back on it, I honestly can’t remember how this ritual started, or why we continued it. Especially since, as the sequels dragged on and on the movies, which were never QUITE Shakespeare to begin with, really began to blow donkey chunks. Maybe it was just the camaraderie of hanging with a good friend. Or maybe it really WAS all about the boobies.

Anyway, in lieu of there being no NEW Friday the 13th movie opening tonight, I thought I’d thrill you all with my review of each of the previous films.

Friday The 13th (1980) – The one that started it all. This film is the reason the movie cliché of “camp counselors getting stalked by a madman” got its start. Most people who never watched these movies are surprised to find that Jason Voorhees isn’t really even in this one. The killer is Jason’s mother, who is avenging her son’s death. This movie is a solid 80’s slasher movie, and this film, plus Halloween, put the genre on the map. Plus, Kevin Bacon gets his throat skewered.

Friday The 13th, Part 2 (1981) – Off the runaway success of the first film, and realizing that they needed to have a killer as the REAL recurring star, Jason Voorhees is introduced, but in this one he wears a potato sack on his head. The trademark hockey mask would not appear until the next film. This was another good slasher film, made even better by the delectable Amy Steel as the heroine. I miss you, Amy.

Friday The 13th, Part 3 (1982) – This movie is as famous for its awfulness as it is for the fact that it was in 3D. As previously mentioned, in this film Jason finds his famous accessory which remarkably does NOT make his ass look big. Also, this was the first of the films that I saw in the theatre. And I went with my mom. The sex scenes made me very uncomfortable.

Friday The 13th – The Final Chapter (1984) – This film, in my expert opinion, REALLY was the gem of the series. Complete with ACTUAL movie stars in this one instead of young nobodys (ok, Corey Feldman and Crispen Glover, but you get my point), I really felt that they tried to make this one creepy, and it was as well acted as any of these movies have any right to be. This was SUPPOSED to be the last one in the series, but it made a shit-ton of money and so, only 6 months later, we were given…..

Friday The 13th – A New Beginning (1985) – This film is without a doubt the worst of the series. Ironically, it’s also the one with the most boobies (yes, I’ve counted). In this film Jason, still dead from the last film, is only seen in flashbacks. This one really tells the story of Tommy (Corey Feldman), now all grown up, dealing with a Jason copycat.

Friday The 13th, Part 6 – Jason Lives (1986) – After hearing a resounding “That sucked!” from their fans, Jason is brought back to life by a bolt of electricity (really), and begins terrorizing Tommy again. Except for the whole electricity thing, and the fact that this installment featured Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter, this was actually a pretty solid edition.

Friday The 13th, Part 7 – The New Blood (1988) – I really enjoyed this one as well. In an attempt to expand the Jason-Universe a bit with some other cool characters, Jason goes up against a girl who is a telekenetic. It’s really the only film of the bunch where Jason completely gets his ass kicked, and it’s a hoot to watch.

Friday The 13th, Part 8 – Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) – Did I say part 5 was the worst one? I may take that back. This one is just horrible. The writers, unable to come up with any new ways for Jason to kill people in the woods, actually had the balls to put him on a cruise ship and sail him to New York City. This one is just painful to watch. And, if I recall, it’s totally DEVIOD of boobies.

Jason Goes To Hell – The Final Friday (1993) – After part 8 bombed terribly, the studio once again tried to end the series with this installment, which has Jason going back to his old familiar campground (I wonder if he took the Verizano Bridge?). This one was dopey, yet watchable. The diner scene had Earl and I in stitches for hours.

Jason X (2001) – See what they did there with the title? Jason X? Cause it’s the 10th one… get it? God, that’s clever! Anyway, I try to forget this one as well. It doesn’t even really fit in with the rest of the films, if that means anything to you. It’s like 200 years in the future, and Jason is set loose on a space station. Yeah, I know. What the fuck do you want from me? I didn’t come up with it. Not good at all.

Freddy Vs. Jason (2003) – In an attempt to breathe new life into the flagging Friday 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street franchises, some marketing genius decided to put the two most overused film slashers in the same movie, duking it out. Can you tell that I think this one sucks, too? Definitely not scary at all, and not my cup of tea at all.

Friday The 13th (2009) – There’s an age old mantra in Hollywood that goes “When you COMPLETELY have run something into the ground and run out of ideas, just restart the series with a reboot”. That’s what we have here. Last year they decided to start the series from scratch, and as excited as I was to hear about this, I was just as pissed off when I finally watched it only to see them so royally fuck up what COULD have been a good new beginning.

So that’s it, at least for now. Last year’s reboot made a ton of dough, so there is already a sequel in the works. I’d like to say that I’m hopeful for it, but I’d ALSO like to say that I’m hopeful for a threesome later in my cubicle. The odds of both happening are slim (although that new mailroom guy keeps giving me the eye, so who knows?)

So that’s it. If you are a fan of the genre, you should definitely give some of the ones I’ve rated highly a try. And if you are a BIG fan (and only if), then maybe give ‘em ALL a shot and let me know how right I was.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Sexy Bullet-Time



Hey boys and girls! Yeah, I know, it’s been over a week since you heard from me. Yes, I know how that makes you feel. I keep giving you mixed signals, and you don’t know where you stand with me. Believe me, baby…..it’s not you, it’s me. Give me one more chance and I’ll make it up to you.

Aside from the paragraph above being the standard line that I give chicks after not calling them for a week, I thought it also applied here because I haven’t posted in over seven days. It’s always worked back then, so I figured I’d give it a shot now.

Actually, I took a mini-vacation last week, so THAT’S why I haven’t been around. Where have I been, you might ask? Well, what better way to catch you up on our favorite subject (ME!) by dropping some bullets.

- Last week I decided to attend the WBC (and no, that’s not the Women’s Bisexuality Club…. They cut up my membership card). Nope, unfortunately for me, those three letters stand for the World Boardgaming Championships. Yeah, yeah I know. I know some people who attend every year, and I have always been mildly curious about it. Kinda like when I was curious in college…. You know what I’m talkin’ about, right guys? Where was I? Oh yeah. Anyway, if you can imagine the type of person who might attend such an event, and then double the negative images in your head, you might have an inkling of the type of person who was unfortunately the ‘norm’ at the WBC. It wasn’t ALL bad, but I don’t see myself going back anytime soon.

- While attending the WBC I played a two hour game with a cute girl who didn’t hit on me AT ALL. Maybe she was blind? I can’t think of any other explanation.

- I came home from Geekcon Friday afternoon (it was hosted in Lancaster, PA), to find my patio umbrella busted ($200 for a new one), my son’s bike broken (2 hours of my time damaging my pretty hands to fix), and our pool filter going Kaput (another $150). Also, some reprobates that live in my neighborhood fenced-plowed my fence…..again! I cursed…. A lot.

- Have you ever lost a follower on your blog and for the life of you, you can’t figure out who the Hell left you? While I was away I seem to have gone from 110 followers to 109, and I have no clue who took a leave of their senses and dropped me like a bad habit. It was probably someone ugly. Good riddance, I say!

- After going back to work on Monday, I felt like I needed another break, so I took yesterday off to take Mini-Me to the beach for the day. Sun, fun, sand castles and ice cream were enjoyed by all.

- While at the beach, we witnessed two 40-something chicks almost beat the shit out of each other because one of them was talking on her cell phone and almost ran over the other one in the parking lot. It was starting to turn me on until I took a really good look at them and determined that neither one of them was hot. Then I lost interest.

Anyway, I’m back, I’m bad, and I’m better than ever. I haven’t read ANY of your blogs in about 2 weeks now, but I’ll try to right that wrong this week sometime.

Monday, August 02, 2010

You Know What Gets My Goat?



It’s chicks who are afraid to get their hair wet.

I mean, really! What the hell is up with that?

I was at a block party on Saturday, and the local fire department came down to the event to spray the kiddies with some refreshing water on what was yet ANOTHER sweltering Summer day here on Long Island. At one point, the firemen let one of the young’uns up on top of the rig so he could shoot the water cannon himself.

Well, the mini-Last-Airbender decided it would be funny to turn the cannon on one of the groups of people standing off to the side of the street.

Now, I’ve gotta stress here that I’m not talking about shooting a high-pressered water hose at some senior citizens, knocking them over and sending them pin wheeling down the street (although, by gosh would THAT be fucking funny!).

No, the fire department had the cannon on top rigged so that it was just shooting out a light rain. Kinda like when you set your Garden Hose on “mist”.

But Holy Shit, you would think that they were pelting out globs of fucking LAVA to the group of cackling hens that went running off in all directions. Walking through the crowd later on, I heard all sorts of angry protests from these people….

“How dare they! I can’t get my hair wet! I just had it done!”

“They have some nerve! Now my hair is a mess! I can’t stay here like this…”

Blah blah blah.

Seriously, lighten up, Francis. It’s a summer block party, not the fucking Academy Awards.

I’m just always amazed at you chicks who have SOMETHING done to your hair that is apparently SO damn precious and unstable that even getting it damp will undo everything some gay guy did to it two weeks ago for $100.

I mean seriously… is it worth it? I can’t speak for EVERY guy (mostly because I’m just so much better looking), but I honestly prefer chicks who can run through a sprinkler and laugh about it without having to call in the Secret Service.

It’s an indication that you are high maintenance and uptight.

We don’t like that.

It’s also probably a good bet that you’re bad in bed.

If you care to prove me wrong, I can help you in that regard as well.

In the interests of science, of course.

p.s. This is all your gonna get from me this week, folks. Taking a mini-blog break where I’ll be incommunicado the rest of the week, so I won’t even be gracing YOUR blogs with my sexy avatar in the comments. Next week, the world should be slightly back to normal.