Friday, June 25, 2010

Slyde's Anniversay Week Celebration, Finale



Well, here we are on our last day of my anniversary week Hall Of Fame postings.

I must say that this shit is exhausting! I don't know how the hell some of you post every damn day without going completely bat-shit. All I'm basically doing is copying and pasting here and I'm exhausted!

This was actually a pretty fun exercise, and I'm glad i decided to do something different this week to celebrate my 5 years of blogdom. Hopefully, you all got as much of a hoot out of it as i did, and maybe got to read some of my older stuff that you hadn't seen before.

And a Laurel and Hearty handshake to those few brave souls who sent me in some testimonials. I don't think any of you captured my true greatness, but i appreciated the effort nonetheless.....

Anyway, on to our last fan-favorite post of the week!

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Does Whatever A Spider Can
Originally posted Nov 15, 2007


So, remember when I mentioned last time that my son's birthday was last week?

Well, he got a ton of presents. I mean a fucking TON. He's been in little-boy bliss ever since, ripping open one box of crap, playing with it for an hour, then chucking it aside to rip right into another.

Anyway, one of the toys he got were Spiderman/Green Goblin walkie talkies. They are basically 1 foot dolls, that when you speak into their chests they double as a walkie talkie.

So, I walk downstairs for breakfast this morning, and what do I spy with my little eye on the kitchen table?

This...

Did the kid HAVE to lay them out like that?

I stared at them for few minutes, transfixed by the dolls positioning.

Is there a way you can POSSIBLY look at that and tell me that it doesn't look like the Goblin is giving a right buggering to our friendly (apparently too friendly) neighborhood Spiderman?

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

But, never one to not take a chance to beat a dead horse, and much to my wife's embarrassment, here is how I spent the next 10 minutes, all the while cackling like a loon....

I'd like to think that Spidey would be manly enough to be the top in the relationship.

If I admit that I spent 5 minutes trying to position them to get the angle "right" before taking this picture, does that make me gay?

The artistic side of me particularly likes the way Spiderman's outstretched fist shows his masculine virility, while he pounds away at the Green Goblin atop a not-so-manly box of Ritz Bits.

Is it wrong of me to do things like this with my child's toys? Because right now, I'm seeing a differing set of opinions.

I see it as funny as Hell.

My wife thinks I'm an asshole.

You decide.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Slyde's Anniversary Week Celebration, Day 4



Another day, and another guest post! With all these guest celebrities that keep popping up, this feels more like the Academy Awards. If i squint, i can almost see Jack Nickelson sitting in the front row with his shades on.

Anyway, today's guest poster is non other than Bruce from Hypocrisy. Bruce is always a good read. Plus he has a killer laser-disc collection that he might let me borrow one day.

After Bruce's post telling you all how awesome i am, i put up another old post that someone recommended.

-------------------------

Five whole years. Wow.....impressive. I have been blogging that long, but I am not really into the whole anniversary thing. Maybe when I reach 20 years, I will make a big deal out of it.

I must admit that I keep coming back here and reading his rants, raves, reviews and miscellaneous ramblings because when you come right down to it.....he is actually funny and entertaining. Although he has a very over inflated sense of his own good looks, still reads comic books in his basement, almost sets his house on fire and draws cartoons of himself with a huge 'member', he still has merit. Although most of us know, that his wife is far hotter than he is. As for his son.....well, Obama had a bastard of a dad, and he turned out OK, so there is hope for mini-me. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

I will offer this one bit of critic and praise. You are at your best when you interpret the world around you with your inevitable slant on things. I think we all are. Blogging is a matter of letting all our readers know, that we aren't alone in our absolute, disgust, wonderment and stupefaction of the world. It lets us know we aren't all insane. .... well, you may be insane, but you give the rest of us a gauge to let us now that we could sink much farther than we have.

So keep up the good work. Rail against the machine, shoot BB guns at the neighbors whose dogs take dumps on your lawn, and update us on the stupidity of your co-workers.......ow, and post more pictures of your wife....(Hubba, Hubba).

I will be in the wings waiting for more wholesome Slyde-Goodness.

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Are You Kidding Me?
Originally Posted Feb 12, 2009



This is an actual email I received from a co-worker. This email went out to the entire company.

---------------------------------

To: The Entire Company

From: Ditz

Subject: 2009 Expense Reports

This message is to inform all management that the corporate expense report form has changed to better serve the company's needs for 2009.

The new expense report can be accessed by clicking on the "Reimbursement" tab on the corporate intranet.

After viewing it, you will notice that there have been some major changes. As such, no 2008 reimbursement forms will be honored if it is submitted as of today.

Please look over the new form, and if you have any questions, please contact me directly.

These changes will help better streamline accounting reimbursing everyone, so please LET'S GET IT RIGHT FROM THE GECKO.

Sincerely,

Ditz

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I sat there, staring at the screen, dumbfounded, for about 20 minutes, before I recovered enough to pick up the phone and give her a call. She is, after all, a friend of mine (and kinda hot.... I'm not sure why i just added that part... oh who am I kidding, we ALL know why I added it), and I thought that maybe if i pointed out her typo, she might still be able to save face and retract it.

"Hey, I just read the email you sent out"

"Yeah?"

"So, you said that you wanted us to get it right from the gecko!"

".... and?"

"And? And you used the wrong fucking word. The phrase is 'get it right from the get go"

"No, it's not. I've heard that said a hundred times, and it's gecko"

"A gecko is a fucking lizard. Why would anyone say lets get it right from the lizard?"

"I don't know, but that's what they say"

"No one says that, except idiots"

"Did you just call me an idiot?"

"I don't know.... do you really think people go around saying 'lets get it right from the lizard?"

"I KNOW they do."

"Then yes, I'm calling you an idiot"

"Click"

The best part is that by now she must KNOW she was wrong, but I still haven't heard a peep from her.

-------------

I had THOUGHT that was to be the funniest thing that happened to me today, until my hetero lifemate Earl just called earlier, and told me that one of his favorite TV shows is "Law and Order: S.U.V".

When I stopped laughing and asked him if they drive around solving crimes in a Ford Aerostar, he promptly hung up on me.

It really IS hard being this perfect in a world filled with such imperfection....

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Slyde's Anniversary Week Celebration, Day 3



And today it's official! 5 Years ago today you all were fortunate enough to have finally gotten the chance to get to know me. Lucky you!

After picking today's post that someone had recommended for today, I started to see a pattern that the posts you guys like the most are invariably the ones where I look like a big ass-hat.

I wonder if that's a coincidence?
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A Fine Day
Originally Posted April 8th, 2008


I never said that I’m quite “at the top of my game” when I first wake up in the morning….

Ok, so this morning I wake up after another shitty night’s sleep (thanks to my back still hurting like the Devil), and I stumbled out into the upstairs hallway.

Friz doesn’t like our cat to be upstairs with us during the night, so she puts up our old baby fence each night at the top of the stairs to keep him down below.

And because I’m the sucker of the house that has to wake up earlier than everybody else, every damn morning I must attempt to successfully rappel over this 3 foot barricade and make it over the other side, onto the staircase, without braking my damn neck (and while not making any noise… Heaven forbid!).

Did I mention that I have to do this a minute after I wake up?

Here’s another piece of this already overly-complicated scenario: My cat, which is usually starving by this time each morning, runs up the stairs as soon as he hears me wake up, and begins to pace back and forth on the top stair on the other side of the fence, MEOW-ing like a loon for me to hurry up and come downstairs to feed him.

Every damn morning, I attempt to perform this gymnastic routine as quickly as possible, in an effort to shut the damn rodent up as quickly as possible so as not to wake anyone up.

So, as I am climbing over the fence this fine morning, the cat is acting extra rambunctious, running back and forth on the top step, right where I am trying to put my foot down.

While attempting to avoid crushing the little bugger, I slip and almost tumble down the stairs.

Well, that pissed me off righteously so, in a fit of anger I threw my sweatpants at the offending cat (Yes, I said sweatpants. Some nights I sleep in boxers, but most nights I sleep naked. Raaawwwr, ladies!).

And because I was still half-blind with sleep, my aim was far from true. My makeshift missiles sailed over the cat’s head and thudded against my wall mounted fire alarm.

One second later, the calm quiet of the house explodes with:

“WEEEEE OOOOO! WEEEEEE OOOOO! FIRE! FIRE! GET OUT OF THE HOUSE IMMEDIATELY! FIRE! FIRE! WEEEEE OOOOOOO! WEEEEEEE OOOOO!”

So now in a panic, I try to use my sweatshirt as a bullwhip, as I spend the next 30 seconds trying to flick it up in the air just right so I can hit the fucking off button.

Then the phone rings.

I had completely forgotten that our fire alarm is tied in directly to our Central Station. They were calling to warn us about the fire (as if my eardrums weren’t already blown out hearing the news).

After racing down the hall to the phone, the cheery stationmaster informs me that there is in fact a fire blazing away in my house.

“No, it’s a false alarm”, I tell the chick. “Sorry, I accidentally hit the alarm with my sweatpants”.

Did I really just tell her that? I am a jackass.

“Ok sir, then just tell us the password and we will cancel the request for fire department assistance”.

Password? That’s right, we have a password!

What the FUCK is our password???

I couldn’t even hear myself think over the incessant roar of the alarm.

“Sir, if you don’t know your password, I am going to have to instruct the fire department to come to your location”.

Then, for some reason, the password came to me.

It’s the name of OUR FUCKING CAT!

After hanging up the phone, I fell back into a kitchen chair, sweating profusely; unable to believe what the Hell just happened.

Then I looked up to see Friz standing over me, quite pissed off. She muttered one friendly word of encouragement to me before she shambled back to bed.

“Asshole….”

Did I mention I was still naked?

I had now been awake for a total of 3 minutes…….

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Slyde's Anniversary Week Celebration, Day 2



Today's Celebratory post comes from none other than my prison bitch, B.E. Earl. Its kinda freaky that his pick for his favorite post of mine was one that i was going to put up today anyway. It's like we share the same brain (which might explain a lot).

-----------------

Hey kids! It's B.E. Earl here with my first guest post on Slydesblog in almost four years. Slydesblog was my original blogging home, ya see. Like a lot of my favorite hobbies (comic-book conventions, Magic: The Gathering, gay sex, etc...), Slyde was the very first person to introduce me to the joys of blogging. He started this little site five years ago, and he immediately wanted me to join in on the fun. So I was a commenter for the first month or two, interacting with the 3-4 other people who somehow knew he and his blog existed.

Then he confessed to me that he really had no idea what he wanted to write about on a daily/weekly basis. Or he was just too lazy to actually sit down and do it. Or he was beta-testing the new Lord of the Rings online multi-player online role playing game. Whatever it was, he needed some help. And I'm all about helping my fellow hobbit.

So I started guest-posting here. A few movie reviews, a few book reviews, then some dick and fart jokes. You know how we do. That went on for about a year, and little old Slydesblog started to blossom. We were actively reading other blogs and having oodles of fun interacting with the community. Those were the days of wine and roses.

But like all things, it had to end sometime. That sometime was August of 2006...when I started my own blog! Yeah, I know. This old blog is still here, but the quality of things? No comparison. I think you all would agree.

But enough about me and my vastly superior blog. No, this guest-post is meant to celebrate Slyde and his five-year anniversary here. So congratulations, little buddy. Here's wishing you five more years of dick and fart jokes!

And in the meantime, I pasted below one of my favorite posts ever on Slydesblog. Well, besides the couple of dozen that I wrote for him. Naturally.



The 10 Most Embarrassing Moments Of My Life (So Far)
Originally Posted June 26, 2008



Not much more to explain beyond the title, is there?

I was driving to work today, and I was thinking of some of the more embarrassing things that have happened to me over the years. I’m sure if I REALLY thought about it, this list would be different (and longer), but doing so might propel me into therapy, so let’s just stick with these for now.

So, in no particular order:

10) When I was in 6th grade, my school took a class trip to the Statue of Liberty. I was proud that my mother was going along with us as one of the class chaperones. I bragged about it all week in school. So, we got to the statue and my mom and our group of 6 kids start to climb up. My mother, true to form, got a panic attack before we even got to the FEET, and we all had to come back down. This was the focal point for many wedgies and ass-kickings in school for me for a few years.

9) In the early 90’s, I got caught having sex at work. Not “in the act”, but only because I was able to hear the door open and we got ourselves semi-respectable fast, but it was still obvious to the person who caught us (thankfully a friend) what we were doing. The only positive thing about this story was that I was not caught by my co-worker (and future nemesis) Earl.

8) In my junior year of college, I was sitting around with my roommates watching MTV, when the Bon Jovi video for “Bad Medicine” came on. When it was over, for SOME reason I’ll never know (or admit to), I muttered aloud, “You know, Richie Sambura is a good looking guy!”. Yeah, that was a smart thing to say to a room full of drunk guys.

7) One day in Junior High, I went off to gym class, and while stripping down in the locker room, the entire boys class was treated to seeing me in my Incredible Hulk Underoos. My mother had not been able to do laundry that week, so that was the only thing I had that was clean, and I had gotten my schedule wrong and didn’t remember I had gym that day until it was too late.

6) For a while I was dating this wild chick who LOVED to talk dirty in bed. I kinda like that too, but this chick was a FREAK for it. I often found it hard to keep up with her inventive vocabulary. Anyway, one night while we were in bed, she was screaming at me to say something dirty to her, and all I could come up with was “I’m gonna stick my C#*K in your P#*#Y!” (side note – I don’t know why I just censored myself, since I fucking curse on fucking here all the fucking time, but now that I’m looking at it, I think its fucking funnier this way so I’m fucking leaving it that way). Anyway, she got me so rattled that what I ENDED UP yelling was “You’re gonna stick your C*#K in my P*##Y!”. I don’t think I will ever forget the shrinkage-inducing look she gave me at that moment.

5) Getting kicked out of a room full of about 500 Star Trek nerds after I drunkenly stood up and told George Takei (Mr. Sulu) that he should name his new autobiography after his small penis. You can read all about THAT glorious moment HERE.

4) When I was 19, my friends and I were all grungy long-haired types, until one of my gang got accepted to Annapolis Naval Academy, where they made him a clean cut weapon of the military. He invited us to come to his commencement ceremony, so we all drove to Maryland to visit. I felt very uncomfortable with all the groomed and clean cut youths all around me. Anyway, after the ceremony, my friend walked over and introduced us to his Lieutenant, a huge dude that scared the crap outta me. He stuck out his arm to shake our hand, but I couldn’t tell if he was trying to shake my hand, or one of my friends, so in a panic I grabbed his hand and started to shake it, JUST as he grasped my friends hand to shake. So the three of us were in some kind of very gay 3-way handshake that had the whole crowd walking by staring at us in bewilderment. I wanted to die.

3) When I was about 12, I would go roller skating with my friends every Friday night. It was mostly an excuse to pick up girls. One night, I left my friends and skated to the bathroom. When I was done, I didn’t see my friends anywhere, so I just skated back out onto the dance floor. But every time I got to one section of the rink, a group of guys standing on the sidelines kept calling me a fagot. I couldn’t understand what I did to these guys, but every damn time, they made fun of me as I passed them. After 2 minutes, the rink announcer said over his megaphone “OK, That ends the ladies only dance!”. Ouch! I guess If I had my head out of my ass I might have noticed that I was the only guy out on the floor.

2) About 10 years ago, I had a dream where I was hanging out with Denzel Washington in a bar, when we both decided that we had to pee. We headed to the restroom, and in my dream I started taking care of Nature at the urinal. I woke up 5 minutes later to discover I had wet the bed. When your wife wakes up at 3 A.M. to find you changing the bed sheets, try explaining THAT ONE to them.

1) The granddaddy of them all. Watch in wide wonder below at how they should NEVER let someone completely drunk enter “The Star Trek Experience” at Universal Studios Florida. You old timers will remember I posted this one a few years ago. I’m proud (ashamed) to say that ive so far gotten almost 90,000 hits on Youtube with this gem:




So, that’s it. I have bared my innermost demons to you all. You know, this was kinda cathartic. I feel cleansed...... a new person, if you will. EMPOWERED!

And I just came up with about 5 more incidents that easily make this list.

Am I the only person who has stories like these?

Monday, June 21, 2010

Slyde's Anniversary Week Celebration, Day 1




Happy Belated Fathers Day, peeps!

This post begins my as-promised, week-long pat on my own back as i try to think of some of my more popular posts from the past 5 years and re-post them here so we can all remember just how awesome i really am in case anyone forgot.

Reading this one back, all i can say about it is this story is 100 percent true. Not one of my proudest moments, for sure, but i guess if i were a "glass is half full" kinda guy, i could make an argument that this story speaks about my ambitiousness.

Sure, why not?


The (First) Time I Almost Got Kicked Out Of High School
Originally Posted April 9th, 2008


I wasn’t the “best” student back in high school.

Real shocker, I know.

The thing was, I was incredibly shy and insecure, and tended to be act like a wise-ass class clown to get people to like me. Sometimes, when cracking-wise failed, I would try come up with OTHER ways that I could become an “important” kid in school.

This is the story of one of those ways that didn’t work out so well…

My buddies and I used to hang out in this local candy store not far from school, mostly just talking about girls and killing time.

One day, I noticed that the store sold “joke items”. You know, stuff like fake money, itching cream and whoopee cushions. Fun, Fun!

Then I saw that they were selling “Sneezing Powder”! For 25 cents a packet! So, because I was trying to make people laugh, I plunked down my 2 bits, bought a packet, and proceeded to breathe the white powder into my nose.

I then proceeded to sneeze my brains out for the next 15 minutes. The group of misfits I was with got a good laugh at that.

After I was finally able to compose myself, someone said, “Man, I can’t believe these things are only 25 cents! I’d pay much more for THAT funny shit!”.

Ding!

That was pretty much all I needed to hear. I spent the last 2 dollars I had on more Sneezing Powder.

The next day, while outside in Gym class, I gathered about 2 dozen kids around me, broke open a packet, snorted it, and proceeded to again sneeze myself silly. I was a big hit with the crowd.

Afterwards, one pimply-faced classmate said, “Wow, that’s pretty cool shit. You have any more?”

“As a matter of fact, I do!”.

“How much?”

“$1 a pack”.

I sold out in 10 minutes.

After school, I went to the candy store and spent my new stash of money on more sneezing powder. I also informed the store owner that if he didn’t have any more in the back room, then he’d probably better order some more right fucking quick.

By the end of the week, I was the premier sneezing powder dealer at Valley Stream North High School. Each morning I brought as much “product” to school as I could carry without my parents noticing, and I would sell out by noon. During Lunch hour, I would run out to buy more, and I would again sell out before the 3:00 bell. Then I’d run back to the candy store to buy more inventory for the next day.

By the end of the next week, I had more money than I knew what to do with. You couldn’t walk down the hall without seeing kids sneezing themselves brainless, snorting little lines of white powder in the hallway.

I had become the number one supplier of sneezing powder on the East Coast!

Now, one might have thought that, being the smart young entrepreneur that I was, that I might have thought that kids snorting white powder all over school was going to come back to me, but surprisingly, it never dawned on me.

At any rate, eventually some teacher saw one of his kids snorting a line of white powder in his homeroom, and after almost shitting his pants, dragged the kid down to the principal, where he was grilled until he finally gave me up.

I really didn’t have any clue that I was being called down to the principal’s office for anything more than my normal smartass-edry that day, but I started to get a might suspicious when I opened the principal's office door AND WAS THROWN TO THE GROUND BY 5 D.E.A. OFFICERS IN KEVLAR SUITS.

The 2 drug sniffing dogs they had brought with them barked a lot, too.

Yeah, that was pretty much the call-home-from-school that I honestly thought was going to end up with me being murdered.

But, after a lot of verbal tap-dancing, not to mention giving up the candy store who sold it to me (Hey, I was an idiot, I’ll admit, but I was also just a stupid kid; that schmuck should have known something was up when a 14 year old walks into his store each day and buys 40 bucks worth of sneezing powder), I was eventually let off with a warning. The principal wasn’t happy about it, but in the end, my father’s argument that I was NOT in fact selling anything illegal ended up keeping me in school.

At least THIS time. This was unfortunately NOT my last brush with the school administration.

If I could only find a way to channel this eagerness into something besides playing World Of Warcraft for 10 hours straight, I really think I could be rich by now.

Friday, June 18, 2010

It was 20 Years Ago Today


Ok, it was actually 5 years ago today….

And, if we are going to be precise about it, it will be 5 years ago next Wednesday.

That’s, right. On June 23, 2005, I first decided to put pen to paper (er, fingers to keyboard), and started up the worldwide phenomenon known as “Slydesblog”.

I honestly cannot BELIEVE that I have been doing this for a half-decade.

I’ve seen so many blogs come and go during that time. So many blogs that I absolutely loved, which had rabid followings, just one day crumble up and disappear. Usually the reason given was that the author was just “burnt out”, which, while a reasonable excuse, always baffled me. I mean, if you enjoy doing something, but are getting burnt out by doing it too much, then just do it less until your mojo comes back.

That’s what I usually do with masturbating, and its seems to work out pretty well for me so far, so I would think the same principle should apply here.

But seriously, I love this hobby, this pastime, this addiction, more than I thought I would when I started out those 5 years ago. It has enabled me to vent, to rage, to explain, to make people laugh, and most of all, to just yabber on about whatever has popped into my head.

Back when I started this blog, it was really just a spot for me to put up pictures of the fam for relatives who lived in other parts of the country. Then, once in a while I would write a post about something. Pretty much no one was reading it, but that was ok. I was able to get my thoughts ‘out there’. It wasn’t about the readers.

Then, a funny thing happened. People started coming here and reading my drivel. Slowly, in trickles, but they read. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I was quite tickled when the first few strangers from the interwebs showed up and took the time to read what I had to say, and comment on it. It was amazing to me to think that this site could be used as a vehicle to connect me with people all over the country, and all over the world.

But, that’s exactly what happened. In the past 5 years I’ve made some incredible friends through this site. We’ve exchanged comments and private emails. I’ve given some lucky Canadians some Lost Dvd’s, and I’ve been sent some very heartfelt gifts in the mail from people who I wouldn’t even recognize if they ran me over in the street.

I’ve even received some nude pictures from some of you. Those are always much appreciated. Rest assured that I don’t think less of you once I have seen you naked. On the contrary, I think much more of you. Please don’t stop. After a while, I press the photos into my scrapbook with some dried rose petals and a spritz of Chanel Number 5.

It’s quite romantic, really.

Sorry, I seem to have derailed myself. Where was I?

Oh yeah, my 5 year web anniversary.

Anyway, I’d like to do something special next week for my milestone. I say “I’d LIKE to”, but as always, my biggest enemy is my incredible laziness, so we’ll just see how it goes.

I am going to try to go through all my old posts this weekend, and try to pull out some of my favorites to re-post for next week.

I’d also LOVE to have some guest posts next week from you fine, sexy folks. It could be long, short, or just a quick ditty to tell me about how sexy I am.

Tell ya what? I’ll post ANYTHING that you guys decide to send me. I’m easy that way.

I fully realize that asking you guys to write something could be considered like doing homework, and most of you will choose not to take up the task. That’s ok, too. I know that I’ve been asked a ton of times to write something for someone else’s site, and I think I’ve only taken up the challenge once or twice. We’re all busy, I get it. But if you DO send me something, I promise to post it, and I’ll give ya some props and linkage. I’ll put my email address in the comments.

That’s about it, I guess. I just wanted to thank you all for giving me five years of fun and friendship, and for giving me a reason for getting back to making a practice of WRITING.

I’m glad I’ve met each and every one of you.

And I’d like to bang a few of you, too.

No, not you.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Maybe He Has A Light Lunch?

As you probably heard, Country Music star/Sausage Maker Jimmy Dean died over the weekend. He was 81.

Honestly, All I know about Jimmy Dean is that a few centuries ago he wrote that song “Big Bad John”, and people down South treat his sausages like they were plasma.

Meet one such gentleman (click the audio link in the story).

Although this call to the Jimmy Dean complaint department happened over 3 years ago, it hit the interwebs big time this weekend and has caught on like wild-fire. I love it.

To set it up a bit, the attached audio clip came from when Texas-bred “Randy” finds out that the Jimmy Dean sausage company has changed the packaging on their sausages from 16 oz to 12 oz.

This call is pure gold. My favorite parts are the beginning, when this knucklehead doesn’t yet realize that he’s being recorded, and the end, when he doesn’t realize that he’s STILL being recorded.

I was about to make a quick bullet-list of everything I find side-splittingly funny about this call, but maybe it’s just better to let you be your own judge. Be warned, it’s slightly NSFW… especially his rant at the end.

All joking aside, I guess what disturbs me most about this call is the fact that this dude and his family actually eat 16 ounces of sausage, two dozen fried eggs, and a t-bone EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR BREAKFAST!!!

On a crazy day, I’ll decide to have a bagel with my orange juice.

But I guess that’s why I maintain the body of an Adonis while it’s probably a safe bet that good Ol’ Randy here has cornered the market on suspenders and stretch pants.

Seriously, what the fuck must his Cholesterol be at if he’s shoveling THAT amount of shit into his gaping maw every day?

Friday, June 11, 2010

Can Ya Feel It?


Sure you can.

It’s that special, electric feeling in the air that can only mean that a new season of True Blood starts this Sunday.

I really can’t believe that I got as into this show as I did. After the first episode premiered 2 years ago, I wrote about how i thought that the show blew donkey chunks. I really was disappointed with it, since I usually love writer Alan Ball’s TV work.

For some reason, however, I decided to give it just one more episode. And while I didn’t particularly care for ep 2 either, it ended on an interesting cliff-hanger which made me want to tune in the next week to see how it was going to be resolved.

So tune in I did. And I’ve never left.

The show just got better and better during that first season. Then last year, for Season 2, the show went into hyperdrive with all kinds of awesomeness.

So, here I sit, panting in sweaty anticipation of Season 3. From what I’ve seen, they are really kicking up the action this year, as well as considerably expanding the cast. We’ll also get to see some werewolves moving in to Sookie’s neck of the woods this year.

Werewolves? Oh my!

I think I just gave myself a case of the vapors……..

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Breakin’ The Law



Where to begin?

As you could imagine, anyone who looks even HALF as good as me usually has a LOT of friends.

I am, of course, no exception. My looks just naturally draw people in, wanting desperately to become a part of my inner circle. It’s a gift, and a curse.

Anyway, there was a big brew-ha-ha amongst my flock a few months ago, when at a small get-together at a friend’s house, some prescription pills went missing from their upstairs bathroom. They KNEW that the pills had been taken, since they had just filled the prescription the day before, and had counted the amount.

This left us with the unthinkable job of trying to figure out which one of our close friends could have actually STOLEN from another member of our group. Everyone present was very close. I couldn’t imagine ANY of them stealing, ever.

Anyhow, through some pretty incriminating evidence which I won’t get into here, our friend became convinced that our other friend, Linda, was the one who took the pills. Linda, of course, denied it vehemently. Harsh words were exchanged, and after some exchanges, Linda was expelled from our group.

Even though the evidence we had was pretty damming, and her behavior and explanations were, to put it mildly, bizarre, the whole thing just never sat right with me. I was very close with Linda, and I always held out, in the back of my mind, the belief that one day another explanation would surface.

Years ago, Linda was a bit of a wild child, and admitted to us on many occasions that she had done and sold drugs in her youth. The evidence that she had taken my friend’s pills had nothing to do with Linda’s past, but I couldn’t help but feel that people were still using that against her.

In short, in the past few months since this all happened, I have felt really bad about what went down, and how Linda was ostracized from our group.

Until last week.

I was online Monday morning, just reading the local news, when I clicked the link to the local police blotter. You know what that is, right? It’s the part of a local paper that will list all the recent crimes in the area. “Joe Schmoe on 1313 Mockingbird Lane was arrested on June 8th for drunk driving”, etc. I usually read it for a laugh, and to see how many miscreants live within a 5 block radius from me (It’s more than I’d like, that’s for damn sure).

Anyway, I’m sure you’ve all guessed where this is going, but obviously for me, on that Monday morning, I pretty much dropped a load of poo in my pants when I read that, on May 20th, my good friend Linda had been arrested for burglary! I could not BELIEVE what I was reading.

I have a friend who’s a NYC detective, who was able to look her up in the system and found out some more details, and it’s been a week now and I STILL can’t believe it.

I found out that she is out on bail, and is scheduled for a court date this week.

I really went out on a limb for this chick, and I feel like a first class jackoff for defending her to everybody the way I did.

I am very tempted to take the day off from work this week, and sit in on her court date. Just to sit in the back, not saying a word.

Just so she can see me. To let her know that I KNOW. We all do. And she should be ashamed for taking our trust and shitting all over it like she did.

But I guess that’s just me being petty and vindictive. It’s not like making her feel even worse would actually serve a purpose or FIX anything.

Except perhaps my ego.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Summer Lovin’



Now that the Spring TV season is officially over, and I have nothing new to watch, I have once again started doing something I undertake just about every summer.

I’m not talking about winning another Coppertone Hot Body contest. That gets old pretty fast. I have no room left in the house to put yet ANOTHER trophy, and it really isn’t even remotely fair to the other contestants.

No, I’m talking about my summer ritual of trying to watch a TV series in its entirety that for whatever reason I never watched when it was originally on the air.

Three Summers ago, I watched the entire run of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Two Summers ago, I watched Arrested Development.

Last Summer, I watched The Shield and Spaced.

This Summer I have decided to put two shows on the docket.

The first show I’ll be watching is Angel.



It’s very strange that I had never watched this, since I am a big fan of everything Joss Whedon, and have watched pretty much every single episode of everything else he has ever done.

I think it’s because, while I loved Buffy, I never really cared for Angel as a character.

Angel is this kick-ass, 200 year old vampire, who was once a vicious, remorseless killer, but has now been cursed by gypsies into having a soul.

The problem I always had with Angel is the way David Boreanaz plays him. When he is “good” Angel, he’s just a boring, emotionless lump. And when he’s “bad” Angel, he’s kind of an idiot. He’s just mean for the sake of being mean, and most of the time his “evil”-ness is so transparent and dopey that it makes me laugh more than cringe.

That said, I am still enjoying the series, mostly because of the way Angel’s supporting cast compliments our brooding main character quite splendidly. I just got through the first season, and while I thought a handful of the episodes were pure camp and silly, there was enough there to keep me interested.

Plus, I’m a big enough fan of Joss’ to know that he usually needs a sub-par 1st season to really get his storylines in gear.

The other big nut I’m going to try to crack before this summer is up is to finally watch The Wire.



When The Wire first premiered on HBO back in the 90’s, I was excited to start watching it. I was a HUGE fan of HBO’s other gritty show, Oz, and was hopeful that this was going to be more of the same.

I remember watching the very first episode, hating it, and never giving it another look. I also remember most of the reviews for that first episode all agreed with my assessment of how crappy it was.

Then, months later, I began to hear from people who stuck with it, who said that it really had gotten much better. As season after season passed, I only heard better and better things about it. I know many people who now consider it one of the best shows ever on Television.

So, I’m big enough to admit I MIGHT have been wrong about this one. I just watched the first episode again last night, and I’m willing to concede that it wasn’t quite as bad as I remember.

Or maybe, as I’ve gotten older, I’ve just lowered my standards a bit.

It would certainly explain some things.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

At Least They're Honest About It...

I really don't have the energy to start a rant today about BP and how disgusting this whole situation is.

Let's just all agree that so far they have already caused enough ecological damage that experts say it will take decades to correct, if ever.

No, I'll let others more smartererer than me rage against that particular machine.

I know that although you guys FIRST came here solely for my killer looks, you KEEP coming back not because of my world views, but because I try my damnedest to give you a chuckle or two.

So, in that effort, check out an honest to goodness REAL BP advertisement from 1999:

If their underwater pipeline of toxic death weren't killing us all as we speak, that ad would be pretty fucking funny right now.