Friday, April 30, 2010

Soy WHAT?

You guys know how much i LOVE news bloopers, right?

Of course you do. You all hang on my every word.

I'm not sure what i find so damn funny exactly about a newscaster, who is trying SO HARD to appear professional, accidentally saying something stupid, but it never fails to illicit a guffaw from me.

If you search the archives, you will be a bunch of 'em that I've posted over the years.

Here's the latest.

This morning, veteran New York news anchor (seriously.. this chick has been doing NY news since i was a kid) Rosanna Scotto for some reason lost all of her senses during a discussion about how the National Milk Producers Federation wants to apply the name "milk", and not "soy" to only products that come from animals.

I can't say any more. Just watch.



As always, i just LOVE the other anchor's reactions. From the dude on the left timidly scolding "Rosanna!", to the chick on the right stammering "Oooook, that's an option, too.", this whole scene just makes me chuckle.

If this happened more regularly on the nightly news, I'd start watching more often.

No i wouldn't.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Facebook Is The Devil

Well, I’ve finally gone and done it.

Last week, in a fit of absolute boredom, I broke down and decided to try one of those cutesy little games that people play all day on Facebook.

That’s right, I started playing Farmville.

For anyone who doesn’t know what Farmville is, it is this little “Sims”-like game where you are a little cartoon farmer, and you have to manage and grow a little farm. You can plow your fields, and then plant all manner of stuff, only to sit there waiting, sometimes for days, until your crops grow big enough to be harvested. Then you sell what you grew, and do it all over again.

And over again, and over again. For the rest of your life. Until you die, I guess. Maybe even alittle after that.

Those of you who follow me on Facebook have no doubt seen that I have become slightly obsessed, what with all my posts about needing my crops fertilized or for more people to send me some bricks so I can finish building my fucking horse stable (seriously people, I need like 5 more damn bricks… can someone for the love of God help me out here?).

The first week of playing it, I think it bordered slightly on obsession.

When you are waking up early in the morning JUST because you think that your Soy Beans are ripe and you don’t want to see them wither, it’s a pretty good sign that you MIGHT have a problem.

Anyway, after playing it for 2 weeks now, I think I’m over my initial love affair with it.

At least I’m slowly weaning myself off of it.

I mean, lately I’ve only been planting things that take 2-3 days to grow, instead of 4 hours like I HAD been doing. Now I don’t have to wake up at 3 A.M. to see if my crops need fertilizing.

Hey, baby steps.

Of course, last week I ALSO started playing Mafia Wars. I am now a level 27 Street Thug. If I can just get my Casino to level 2, I should be able to pull in enough money to buy those Tommy Guns so I can kill that rival gang that keeps robbing from my crack house.

Sigh :(

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Two Movies In Two Days



Yup, this weekend I went movie-crazy.

On Saturday, I raced as fast as I could to the theatre so I could say that I was the first person that I know who saw the awesomely awesome Kick-Ass!.

A few months ago, I wrote here about how I was chewing my fingernails off anxiously awaiting this movie.

In short, it didn’t disappoint. I really enjoyed it. Its stylized, sometimes gritty, sometimes comical look at just what might happen if a group of teenagers decided that they wanted to try to be real-life superheroes, and the repercussions of that decision, hit all the right notes with me.

My biggest gripe with the movie is that I wish there had been MORE of it. Specifically, more of the great fight sequences. More specifically, I thought that the BEST of the fight scenes were the ones they showed in the trailers.



But I’m not going to try to pick this one apart and micro-analyze it. It was a fun, interesting story that seems to have been fairly faithful to what I know of the original comic.

But hands down, the star of the movie is ChloĆ« Moretz. Her brutal, profanity-laden turn as the violent Hit-Girl is what makes this movie, and drives it. She is also, not surprisingly for anyone who saw the red-band trailer that I linked to in the previous story, the most controversial part of the movie. I don’t think Ive ever seen a kid, certainly not a young girl, portrayed that way in ANY film, and it shocks you every time she walks onto the screen. I loved it.

Plus, this movie made me think that Nicholas Cage might actually be cool again.

Next up, on Sunday morning, I took Mini-Me to see the IMAX 3-D showing of How To Train Your Dragon.



This movie was a great kids movie. A good, funny, beautifully-depicted story that had Mini-Me laughing hysterically more than once.

My biggest gripe with it was the price.

Yes, I KNOW I didn’t have to go see it in 3-D.

Yes, I KNOW I didn’t have to go see it in IMAX.

But EIGHTEEN DOLLAS A TICKET? Are you kidding me? After I got done buying him Sour Patch Kids, Popcorn, and a Blue Slushie, I was about $60 in the hole.

Good thing I can always make money on the weekend being a male gigolo.

Sometimes, it’s a relief to be able to fall back on my incredibly good looks.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Trying..So..Hard..Not..To..Laugh….


I need to set the stage for this one…

I needed to call into one of my typically boring conference calls. It’s a weekly meeting and I dread calling into it. It’s just one of those meetings that goes on for an hour, and I have to answer just one question each week, and that question usually doesn’t come till about 55 minutes into the meeting, so for the bulk of the hour I just listen to these faceless asshats ramble on about some such shit that I could care less about, while trying to stay awake enough so I can catch when they call my name so I can say “We’re still on target!” before hanging up.

One of THOSE kinds of meetings. You know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, at our company all conference calls are done through an automated service. The meeting organizer sets up a meeting, and then I have to dial a number at the proper time, and enter in the meeting code. Then the cheery automated voice asked me to “Please state your name.”. I say my name and then as I get placed into the conference, the rest of the group hears the recording of what I just said, followed by the automated voice saying “…has joined the conference”.

So what you might hear is something like this:

(Chick’s Voice): Sally Whatshername
(Cheery Robot Voice): Has joined the conference!


You get what I’m saying. I’m sure most of you use something similar at your offices.

Anyway, we were knee-deep into the torture of our weekly meeting, when someone who was very late to the meeting decides to finally join us and call in.

The problem is, I guess he had forgotten that the system asks him to say his name, because while it was recording, he must have been ranting to someone in his office….

Because what the rest of us all heard was…..

(Angry Male Voice): I can’t believe I have to dial into this shit! It gets worse and worse EVERY FUCKING DAY!
(Cheery Robot Voice): Has joined the conference!

Holy crap did THAT bring the meeting to a fucking halt.

After about 10 seconds of very uncomfortable silence from everybody, the meeting organizer, who doesn’t have a funny bone in his whole skinny body, demanded …

“Who just came on the line? Who was that?”

At this point I was literally pinching my earlobe to keep myself from busting out laughing.

10 more seconds of silence followed as the rest of us anxiously waited to see who the offending party was.

Whoever it was must have quickly played back in his mind the last minute of his life and realized what he had done because what we all heard next was….

(Angry Male Voice): I can’t believe I have to dial into this shit! It gets worse and worse EVERY FUCKING DAY!
(Cheery Robot Voice): Has left the conference!

That was exactly when I finally lost it. The laughter hit me like a tidal wave. The rest of the callers quickly followed suit, and the organizer, realizing that he had completely lost control of the situation, quickly adjourned the meeting.

I just can’t help but think that maybe we misunderstood the poor guy. Maybe he is an American Indian and that was just his slightly-longer-than-normal Indian name? You know… like Dances With Wolves or Sitting Bull or something.

Just a thought.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Who Said Star Wars Isn’t Cool?

Certainly not this guy!

Here were the top 3 thoughts that went through my head when I saw this picture….

1) I like Star Wars too, but C’MON!
2) I hope that guy is wearing underwear.
3) I never realized until now that Earl had such sexy calves…

P.S. Yes, I’m totally phoning this one in. Bite me.

Friday, April 09, 2010

Reading Is Fundamental

Trying to teach Mini-Me to read is driving me batty.

I usually have the patience of a saint, but when it comes to helping him with his reading and reading comprehension, I do believe that I’m getting ready to just drink the poison Kool-Aid and give up.

It’s so odd. He is excelling by leaps and bounds with his Math, but getting him to read and write is harder than launching the damn Space Shuttle.

He continues to do two things in particular that just drive me up a wall and frustrate the HELL outta me:

1) He is too lazy to attempt to sound out a word, so if he sees a word and he doesn’t instantly recognize it, he just looks at the first letter and then takes a wild guess.

So, “Schoolhouse”, might very well become “Seashells”, “Soccer”, or even “Sarah Michele Geller” by the time he’s done with it.

The worst part is that he just continues to plow through the sentence till he gets to the end, knowing that what he just read has made absolutely ZERO sense to him.

2) This one is PARTICULARLY annoying. He has apparently decided that he’d just rather not deal with the whole “punctuation” thing. He just chooses to ignore it. When he gets to the end of a line, he just inserts his own period there, and continues bright and new on the next line as the start of a new sentence.

So, this:

“Sally decided to go to the
beach. She saw many seagulls there.”


Becomes this:

“Sally decided to go to the.”
“Beach she saw many seagulls there.”


It’s painful to watch. After he reads the first sentence, he looks at me with a quizzical look like it didn’t make any sense to him. So, I stare at him, trying to use my Jedi Mind Powers on him to catch his mistake and fix it, but in the end, he without fail decides the best (and quickest) course of action is to just plow on, so he reads the next sentence and then finally looks at me and says “Daddy, I don’t get it”.

Folks, I have A LOT of patience when it comes to the wee-one, but watching him do this over and over each night just pushes me from 0 to Boiling in no time flat.

What should I do? (And don’t tell me to exchange him for a different kid. I tried that already and they won’t take him back. I lost the receipt.)

Friday, April 02, 2010

I’m Cool. Really.



You may not believe it from my gruff, masculine exterior, but once a year I like to mingle with the lesser people among us, and attend a little thing called I-Con.

For those of you who DON’T have trouble getting laid, I-CON is Long Island’s biggest (and really only) Science Fiction convention.

It’s also the place where one year I got to check out Mr. Sulu’s penis, among other things.

For one weekend a year, everyone who you have ever beaten up in gym class all converge onto the StonyBrook campus to partake in all manner of nerdy endeavors from dressing up like a Vulcan, or full-scale LARPing, or sitting in on a panel discussion to discuss if Greedo really DID shoot first.

And before you ask: No, I most certainly do NOT dress up.

But I DO like to walk around and people-watch, just to reinforce my belief that I am so damn much handsomer than most everyone else.

I also like to sit in on the panel discussions and the meet-and-greets that they have with whatever celebrities they can rope into coming each year.

This year I was lucky enough to sit down and chat for about 15 minutes with Tony Todd.



If you recognize him at all, you probably will know him from the Candyman movies. He also did a lot of work on Star Trek, and he played the big bad guy last season on ‘24’.

I, however, know Mr. Todd from his awesome work in the 1990 remake of Night of the Living Dead.

Tony was a SUPER cool guy, and he listened to me patiently while I gushed about how much I love that damn movie. Meeting Tony Todd was just about worth the cost of admission alone. I even went completely fanboy and got his autograph on a picture. It says:

“Dear Andrew,

Peace.

Tony Todd”

At least I THINK it says ‘Peace’. He wrote it kind of sloppy. He may have called me a “Penis”.

-------------

Next up I sat down with Charisma Carpenter.



Pretty much anyone who knows her will know her as Cordelia from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel. She seemed pretty cool, and she looked every bit as yummy as she does in the picture above. She said that her next big role is with Sylvester Stallone in this summer’s big action movie, The Expendables. She ALSO strongly implied that Sly is an asshole, but then stopped herself noting that she still hopes to be in Expendables 2.

--------------------

I capped off the weekend sitting down with Ron Moore. Ron is the guy who created and wrote the new Battlestar Galactica show, which I think is aces, and is currently writing the new Caprica show.



He seemed very cool, and was answering everyone’s questions quite nicely and thoughtfully. In one response, he mentioned how he used to write for the HBO show Carnival.

I never knew he wrote Carnival, but I use to LOVE that show. I decided to ask him a question about it. I had always thought that the first season was very slow, but the show got to all kinds of awesomeness in its second season. Then it ended in a cliff hanger and HBO soon after cancelled it, so the viewers never got to learn what happened.

So that’s what I asked him about.

As soon as I mentioned how I felt about the first season, I saw his expression change, and I knew something wasn’t kosher.

After I finished my question, he stared me down and said, “I ONLY wrote the first season. I have no idea what happened at the finale of the second season, nor do I care. NEXT QUESTION!”

The temperature of the room dropped about 30 degrees. Everyone else got a 5 minute flowery response to their questions, and I was basically told to “Fuck off!”.

Oh well, at least I didn’t get escorted out by security this time.

There’s always next year.