Friday, January 29, 2010

Cause Ya Had A Bad Day......

I don't think that dopey song has ever been more appropriate than this.....

Yesterday, in Istanbul, Turkey, a truck driver, who apparently has his head surgically grafted to his ass, forgot that he had left the dumper (heh, i said 'dumper') on his rig in the upright position, and then blisfully unaware DECIDED TO START DRIVING DOWN THE HIGHWAY WITH THE BACK END OF HIS TRUCK STICKING STRAIGHT UP 40 FUCKING FEET IN THE AIR!

I can't imagine how high i'd have to be to not notice that half of the vehicle i was driving down the road was pointing verticially up to the sky. At the very least, i'd like to think that it would adversly impact my blind spot.

At any rate, watch in wide wonder as this ass-hat barells down the highway, and smashes through a overhead walkway......

A walkway that people just happened to be walking over, happily going about their day, probably thinking about how shitty it is to live in Istanbul or something, when suddenly, living in Istanbul got a whole lot fucking worse.

Seriously, seeing that one guy falling thru the floor as the bridge comes crashing down around him gives me the chills. Remarkably, no one was killed.

Anyway, enough talk-up. Take a gander at this:

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Too Much Reality


One of the good things about coming down with a cold and generally feeling like shit, is that I can put up a stupid post and then blame my lack of anything to really write about on my fever-induced brain.

So, I thought once again the other day about how I am for some reason completely obsessed with Reality TV. I have no clue why this is. I routinely enjoy condemning people for watching any number of shitty scripted television shows that are currently on the air, but I seem to have no problem sitting down to watch a Real World marathon.

It’s weird, and hypocritical. I know this. In the end, I can’t tell you all WHY I love Reality TV so much. I just do.

At any rate, I thought I’d run down the list of the top 10 Reality TV shows that keep me coming back for more. Admitting that I watch some of these gems really shames me, but if I can’t share my ugly side with you guys, who could I share it with?

So, without much fanfare, here are my favorite Reality TV shows:

(p.s. I really wish I could link these shows to their respective IMDB web pages. Fucking work and its shitty work filter! Bah!)

10) American Idol – Friz and I watch this every year, and I really don’t know why. So much of it bores me to tears, that we usually watch a lot of it in fast forward. I guess the main reason I watch it is just so I can know who the fuck everyone else in my office is talking about.

9) Real World – Throw 8 confused teenagers in a house, and watch them interact with each other. It’s been losing a lot of its charm for me lately, but I have to admit that last season’s bisexual Cancun cast was outstanding!

8) Amazing Race – Watching couples race around the world while crying and screaming at each other never seems to get old for me. 16 seasons in and I’ve never missed an episode. If Earl and I were on the show, he would have to do all the driving, and I’d do all the manly challenges.

7) The Celebrity Apprentice – Take the king douche himself, Donald Trump, and watch him interact with has-been celebrities so desperate for attention that they will debase themselves weekly for one more chance at being topical. I love it.

6) The Surreal Life – Take those same has-been celebrities and put them in a house Real-World-style. VH1 hasn’t put a new season out in a while now, which is a shame.

5) The Joe Schmo Show – Ah, this show was brilliant in its 2 year run. Take an average person, and unbeknownst to him, put him on a reality show where EVERYONE else is an actor following a script, with the sole purpose to make his life a living Hell. One of the funniest shows ever to be put on the air.

4) The Bad Girls Club – Take 8 trailer trash hot girls, throw them in a mansion, and watch in awe for 13 weeks as they waver between kissing and killing each other. I just can’t get enough.

3) Real World/Road Rules Challenge – Each year, between seasons of the Real World, they take about 30 people from all the different seasons, and lock them in a house where they compete in the most brutal physical challenges I have ever seen on TV. I have slowly gotten more and more into this one.

2) High School Reunion – I fell in love with this show last year, and this season is not disappointing me either. They take a dozen people who graduated from the same high school 20 years ago, and put them all together in a mansion in Hawaii for 2 weeks. For everyone who cringes thinking about the social dynamics that put them through Hell in high school, this show brings all those long-repressed feelings back with a vengeance and and is quickly becoming one of my favorites.

1) Survivor – The granddaddy of them all. Possibly my favorite TV show, reality or otherwise. I had applied to be a contestant a few years back, and I will not rest until I am on that island, plotting my victory while eating fried rat and octopus eyeballs.

So, which Reality TV shows do you guys watch?

Friday, January 22, 2010

Not Exactly My Finest Moment

One of the many great things about me is that, aside from being perfect, I somehow still manage to stay quite humble. I’m not above showing you all glimpses of my life when I’m not quite “at the top of my game”.

Case in point:

Remember last month when I told you all about my New Years Eve Party that got slightly out of hand?

Well, some pictures have surfaced that should prove pretty clearly how I was holding up that night during my 10 or so hours of drunken debauchery.

Witness me, in all my hotness, at about 9 pm that night.





Honestly, this photo just captures a small fraction of my awesomeness. To REALLY captivate my true beauty, you would need a gajillion-megapixel camera so you could zoom in on every inch of my perfect face and physique.

At any rate, at the time of this picture, I was awake, alert, and coherent. Even Mini-Me appears to be happy to be in my presence.

Let’s fast forward to about 1 A.M:






Now, in my defense, this picture was taken after I was the victorious “Last Man Standing” at our Beer-Pong Olympics.

It was ALSO an hour or so after I smoked enough Ganja to put a hole in the ozone layer.

Now, I know I’m not a chick, but I’m FAIRLY certain that no girl with eyesight would ever consider taking “1 AM Me” home with them if I started hitting on them in a club.

The worst part of that last picture (and the part that makes me laugh the hardest) is Mini-Me’s utter look of horror at what his father has become.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Ouch! This Is Awkward



Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past 2 weeks, or the moon (or under a rock ON the moon), you have no doubt been bombarded with the late night drama going on between Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien.

For anyone who’s rock doesn’t have Cable or WiFi, the gist is this:

Jay Leno left the Tonight Show over the Summer to start his own Prime Time show. This freed up Conan to finally get his shot at hosting the Tonight Show, which he was promised 5 years ago. Jay’s new show sucked, and tanked in the ratings. Conan’s show is ALSO not doing too hot. So the geniuses at NBC decided to move Jay back to his old time slot, but only give him a half hour show, and move Conan’s show back by a half hour to make the room for Jay. Then Conan told NBC to go fuck themselves, and quit, giving Jay his old Tonight Show job back, which is what NBC wanted all along.

Well, Jay has been taking a lot of heat for his decision to squeeze out Conan, and in my opinion, rightly so. This clip was unearthed over the weekend, and if you had felt in any way BEFOREHAND that Jay might be getting beat up a little too harshly, watch the clip below and then let me know how you feel about the whole mess.



Ouch!

When I first saw this, I imagined someone sending it to Jay in an email with the title, “Hey Buddy, Remember This?”, Then I imagined Jay watching the clip and thinking, “Holy Shit I hate the internet!”. Seriously, this clip makes Jay look like a real douche. Five years later, he has basically gone and done what he categorically stated that he would NEVER do to anyone, once he gave up his show.

Anyway, I have to admit that I’ve never been too big of a fan of Conan’s (I just don’t find him very compelling), but I have to give that little Ginger bastard props for his decision to publicly tell NBC to go screw. That took balls.

One last note. Don’t let this post make anyone think for a second that I could really give two shits either way. I don’t watch either show, and don’t plan to. They are on too late, and I need tons of beauty sleep to keep looking this fucking awesome. I just like pointing out when people are being asshats.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Netflix Is The Devil


So, I’ve been watching WAY too many movies from Netflix.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I finally broke down and got a Netflix account. I had been on the fence about getting one for years now, but once they started offering instant streaming of movies through my Playstation 3, I knew I was going to pull the trigger on a membership.

Anyway, as I figured, I cannot be trusted with such open-ended responsibilities when it comes to movie-watching, one of my true loves. Much like an alcoholic being given the keys to the local liquor store, I have been over-indulging myself in a veritable orgy of movie watching.

I’d list ALL of the movies I’ve watched in the past 3 weeks, but of course the shitty company I work for filters out my access to Netflix, so I’ll try my best to do it by memory. I won’t remember them all.

(p.s. If I had my druthers, I’d ALSO link each movie to their IMDB listing for your perusal, but of course I can’t get to IMDB anymore, either. Can you believe the nerve of a company, trying to FORCE me to work while I’m here? Why, I’ll show them!)

"Trick or Treat" - Pretty cool anthology horror movie. Was very campy and tried (successfully) to be an 80's horror-homage. Me likey.

“Let the Right One In” – Foreign vampire movie that I had heard a lot about. It did NOT disappoint. Awesome.

“Obsessed” – Sexy Ali Larter and Less-Sexy Beyonce get into a catfight over a man. I actually surprised myself and kinda liked this one.

“Gran Turino” – Clint Eastwood is amazing. I loved this film.

“Monster Camp” – A documentary about nerdy Live Action Role Players (larpers) and how they go through life. Cringe-worthy. I loved every minute of it.

“Old Boy” – Korean violent action movie that I had heard about for years. I liked it, but was left slightly under-whelmed after all the hype.

“Drag Me To Hell” – Sam Raimi’s attempt to take a break from Spider-man and get back to his horror roots. This movie made me remember why I think his only good movie EVER was Evil Dead. This film blew donkey chunks.

Battlestar Galactica – The Plan” – This one-shot movie takes us through the first 3 seasons of the awesome series, and shows us everything that happened from the Cylon’s point of view. I actually thought this movie was very good, and essential watching if you are a BSG fan. P.S. Rent this movie like I did, and don’t watch the version that they play on SYFI. This version had boobies, and even a few wee-wees. Win-Win!

“Zack and Miri Make a Porno” – I have a huge man crush on Kevin Smith, and even when he makes a bad movie, I still love the Hell out of it. The ending, with Jay talking about his love of a “Dutch Rudder” (don’t ask), had me laughing my ass off.

Plus about 20 kiddie movies for Mini-Me.

Bah, I know I’m still missing a handful of stuff I’ve rented, but I can’t remember them right now. If something else comes to me, I’ll update the list.

Anyone else out there obsessed with Netflix?

Monday, January 11, 2010

The Fastest Way To Almost Choke To Death



So, my son nearly killed me yesterday.

I was sitting down at our kitchen table, trying to eat a sandwich, when my son walks up to me, out of nowhere, and tells me:

“Daddy, my friends at school, Gina and Olivia, like to touch my friend Trevor’s winky.”

Not quite believing what I heard, I gasped and almost choked on my sandwich.

Thinking I surely must have heard him wrong, I finally managed to (quite eloquently) stammer out:

“Wh……. What?”

“Gina and Oliva. They like to touch Trevor’s winky. He doesn’t like when they touch it, but they force him and then do it anyway.”

Since it seemed to work so smashingly the first time, I once again followed up with:

“Wh……. What?”

“I tried to get them to touch mine, but they didn’t feel like it”

I was on a roll: “You… they…. Did what?”

“Yeah, I took it out to show it to them, but no one seemed to care. I even tried to shove it into their hands, but no one wanted to grab it”

Holy Shit where the FUCK was Friz? I COULD NOT handle this conversation! I could not BELIEVE what it SOUNDED like we were suddenly discussing.

“I like it when people play with MY winky”

I thought “Well shit, me too!”, but I’m pretty sure that I didnt have THAT epiphany until Junior High!

He must have finally caught his breath long enough to notice that I was about to collapse from not having taken a breath in the last 2 minutes.

He looked at me and said, “Daddy, what’s wrong? YOU like playing with my winky, don’t you?”

It’s not very often where I find myself speechless, but THAT little gem sure as Hell did it for me.
I was about to just break down in the fetal position and cry, when I FINALLY saw what he was talking about.

In fact, he had his “winky” in his hand the whole time we were talking.

Ladies and Gents, meet Winky.










That’s right. Winky is the name of his latest Zhu Zhu pet.

What a relief THAT was!

Now I'd like to put this whole sordid conversation behind me, as soon as i change my underwear and can find a way to dye my hair back to its natural color.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

When Librarians Attack!

So, I got into a fight with a librarian last night.

I’ve always been a pretty avid reader, but as some of you might remember, I don’t actually READ books anymore. For the past 5 years or so, I have preferred to listen to my books on audio CD.

I really enjoy it. I load the book up onto my iPod, and then I can “read” my book whenever/wherever I want. Driving to work, while I’m in the gym, wherever.

Anyway, I usually get my books from the local library. Last week, I was stoked to find out that they had a new book I had been waiting quite a while to read, the latest in Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time series, “The Gathering Storm”. I quickly rented it out, and brought it home.

Once I got home, I started loading the CD’s (there are 24 of them.. these are BIG books) into my PC. Everything was going all ducky until I happened to look at the box cover, and noticed a little sticker that proclaimed that there should be 26, not 24, CDs in the box.

I only HAD 24 CDs. I quickly listened to the end of the 24th disc, in the hopes that the sticker was mislabeled, but no dice there…. The 24th CD concluded in the middle of a chapter.

Now, I COULD have just brought the discs back to the library, thrown them up on the “Returns” pile, and walk away, but when I got there, I decided to be a good citizen and alerted one of the staff to the problem.

She left for a second, and when she returned, she told me: “I’m sorry, but you are libel for the lost material”

“Excuse me?”

“When we check out any audio CDs, we always check to make sure that the correct number of CDs are in the case before we loan it out.”

“Well, that obviously isn’t the case this time. I literally came home, opened the case, and saw that 2 discs were missing”

“But as I said, we always check the discs”

“Then SOMEONE back there needs to stop counting on their fingers and toes, because SOMEONE made a mistake this time.”

That probably wasn’t the smartest thing to say, but I was getting mad. These damn things cost about $40 a piece. There was NO WAY I was paying for this.

“Well, I can’t check this in. It’s defective. You will need to speak to the manager who comes in tomorrow”

So, I huffed and I puffed, and I got the manager’s name. I called her first thing this morning.

“I’m sorry sir, but I checked our records, and you were the FIRST person to take out this collection.”

“I don’t care if that’s MY damn VOICE on the recording! I never RECEIVED the 2 missing CD’s."

“Well, I will speak to the technician who actually checked you out and call you back.”

Then she hung up.

I thought, “What the Hell good is THAT going to do?”

True to her word, I got a call back 5 minutes later.

“I spoke to the technician, and what we feel now is that we never received the missing discs from the manufacturer. We will contact them about them. We can consider this matter closed.”

I am absolutely dumbstruck. What the Hell could have POSSIBLY taken place in that conversation with the technician to make the manager change her tune?

“Hey technician, do you remember checking out this book last week?”

“Sure I do!”

“And did you remember to check how many discs were in the case when you checked it out?”

“I sure as FUCK did!”

“And what did you see?”

“I saw that the case was missing 2 discs, but I said ‘Fuck it’ and gave it to the poor jackass anyway. I thought it would be funny”

“Good job, technician!”

Anyway, I’m happy to not owe the library anything, but this whole thing really ticked me off.

P.S. Unfortunately, the librarian I spoke with did NOT look like the one in the banner picture. If she did, I probably would have just paid the money. I maybe would have even paid extra for a lap dance.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Ringing In The New Year Right

So, my house almost burned to the ground on New Year’s Eve.

I guess that’s a sign that we had a good party.

In the olden days, when I was still young enough to know what was cool and what wasn’t, we used to throw some pretty wild parties. Some stuff used to go on during those festivities that could have gotten me arrested in most states… maybe even Arkansas!

But as time inevitably marches on, so too did our get-togethers get more and more tame. For instance, I’m pretty sure that for the last half dozen New Year’s Eve parties we’ve attended, we have had our jackets on by 12:10 and have been home by 1:00 AM. That doesn’t exactly make for too many wild stories.

This year we seem to have made up for the last few years.

To start off, we decided to have the party this year at our place. We invited about 20 people to help us ring in the New Year. If you weren’t on the list, then that means that we don’t like you.

Everyone was drinking. A lot. I mean, REALLY a lot. At one point, the furniture in the Dining Room got moved because the hard wood floors in there made for a great dance floor. While dancing, I’m pretty sure I got sandwiched between 2 hot people. I’m think at least one of them was female.

I also did something that I hadn’t done in YEARS. We played Team Beer-Pong. After winning the first game, the other team challenged us to a rematch, which we won. So of course we needed to play a third game, which we lost. So, they then likewise had to let us try for a comeback, etc. In the end, we played 7 consecutive games, but I’m not sure if you could call the last one technically a “game”, as by that point I was basically blind and just throwing the ping pong ball at the first noise I heard. At least I didn’t throw up, as did one of our opponents, who we beat handily.

I also did something else I hadn’t done in a bit. I smoked. And I’m not talking about cigarettes. I’m talking about smoking something else that made me attack the snacks we had with a wild abandon. Nothing beats standing out in the freezing snow at 11pm, hiding on the side of my house like a teenager, smoking something that is making me hack up half a lung.

The best part of the night, however, was when a bunch of us were all standing around the kitchen, and one of my friends casually walked by and told us that there was a fire in the dining room. She didn’t seem too concerned about it, so for a second, I just figured she was just talking about the candles that we had lit throughout the house.

I went back to whatever the hell I was doing, when she looked at me and screamed, “No, there is a FUCKING FIRE IN THE DINING ROOM!”

So, I run into the dining room, and ladies and gents, I could not BELIEVE what I saw there.

The huge centerpiece on the table had caught fire, and the entire fucking thing was lit up like a bonfire! The blaze was about 5 feet high, licking the chandelier and ceiling.

So, being the manly take-action dude that I am, I grabbed the thing, burning the fuck out of my hands in the process, and as someone held the door open, I ran outside and threw it into the snow.

I can only imagine my neighbors looking out their window and seeing me, drunk, stoned, and screaming like a little girl, doing the stop, drop and roll thing with a blazing inferno in my hands. It’s hard to look sexy after something like that.

Anyway, the party went on till daybreak. Many people actually crashed all over our house and left the next afternoon. It actually did my heart good to know that, when push comes to shove, and can still party like I did 20 years ago.

I just pay for it for a lot longer now.

So, how was everyone else’s New Years?

P.S. There may or may not be pictures of some of these antics that some of the party-goers put up on Facebook. I would advise any of my Facebook friends out there to NOT look at these pictures. Certainly not.