Thursday, September 02, 2010

Good Times At The Dentist

I think my dentist tried to get me to do something bad yesterday.

And no, I’m not talking about the time that my dental hygienist attempted to rape me in the dental chair when we were alone in the office one Saturday (did I ever tell that story?).

No, that’s not what I’m talking about here. And I wouldn’t be up for that, anyway. My new dentist doesn’t look like the one in the banner picture. For one thing, she weighs about 200 pounds more than the girl above. And, she’s a guy.

Either one of those things is a real turn off for me.

What was I talking about again?

Oh yeah. So, I’m at the dentist yesterday, getting my teeth molded for a bite plate that I need to start wearing at night so I stop grinding my teeth (Of course, if people would just stop swinging my kitchen faucet back and forth like they’re sawing a redwood, I probably would stop grinding my fucking teeth at night).

Anyway, this stupid thing is going to cost me a boatload of cash, and I’m not happy about it. On the way out of the office, my dentist stopped me and said, “Hey, don’t you work for XXXXX?”. For those that don’t know, I work for an HMO and no, it’s not really called XXXXX (I think they TRIED to name it that, but someone in the porn industry beat them to it).

“Yup”, I said, not sure where this was going. A lot of my doctors ask me to talk to someone in the claims department, to help them get paid quicker. Hell, if I had THAT kind of pull here, I’d use it to get MY fucking claims paid quicker.

“You know”, he continued, “If you could help promote me over there, I could make it worth your while. REALLY worth your while”.

Then he walked off to deal with his next patient.

I have to admit, I’m stumped. I really have no clue what he would like me to do for him.

Mind you, I’m not above bending the system to get myself a free bite plate. On the contrary, I can most definitely be bought off. Hell, if I can make this happen.......BITE PLATES FOR EVERYBODY! I’m Buying!

I’m just not sure what he wants me to do.


Maybe I should go to work wearing a big sandwich board with his picture on it?

Too overt? Maybe.

Or perhaps I can just throw in a good word about him around the office whenever I can.

“Hey Slyde, how is that enrollment project going?”

“Not bad, Bob, but it would go a HELL of a lot better if more people’s teeth were cleaned by Dr. Potbelly! My GOD he's one HELL of a dentist!”

Anyway, I’m a lover, not a businessman. If anyone can tell me what you think he wants me to do for him, I’m all ears.

And if I DO turn him down, I have to do it in a way that doesn’t offend him.

The LAST fucking thing I want after my next visit is to come out of my novacane to see him quickly buttoning up his pants, and him telling me that I “really need to rinse”.


Heff said...

"Promote"....Hmmmm.....I actually think Dr. Potbelly simply wanted you to "go oral" on him.

Mrs. Hall said...

grinding of the teeth: classic anxiety symptom

don't get me started!


sybil law said...

I don't know, Slyde - that "rinsing" story would make a great blog post!!

Verdant Earl said...

He probably will back off once he finds out that you are a powerless IT worker who can't even fix it so that you can view the good porn at work. Or the bad porn.

Then he'll move on to asking you for oral. Or just taking it when you are gassed up, like you said.

badgerdaddy said...

I think you missed an 'O' out - you do work for a homo, right?

sybil law said...

Hahahahahah Badgerdaddy FTW!!

And Happy Birthday!!

Brittany said...

lmao! I just threw up a little in my mouth! lol!

Slyde said...

heff: if he saves me my copay, i just may take him up on that.

holly: get started!

sybil: so what your saying is that i should take one for the team?

earl: there is no such thing as bad porn.

badger: ALOT of them, actually...

sybil: thanks, sexy...

brit: only a little?

Marlene said...

I think it was a were supposed to ask "What can I do for you?"

Now the answer, I can't guarantee you would turn your crank. (Then again, it might turn something.)

The Invisible Seductress said...

Oh you sexy beast you...everyone wants a piece!!

Vinomom said...

Did you see that episode of King of Queens where Doug's dentist ends up being the guy Carrie used to babysit for and she had a huge crush on? So funny.

Anyways, I'd imagine he wants to get on some sort of "preferred dentists" list. So when people call and they don't have a dentist but need to pick one, he's at the top of that list.

Just an idea, I don't even know if that shitworks like that.

SK Waller said...

See, Slyde, it's posts like this one that keep me coming back for more. The hot chicks don't hurt either.

Cocaine Princess said...

OMG this was so funny, especially your ending had me giggling. I can't wait to find out what he wants you to do for him. It's probably some type of promotion.

Slyde said...

marlene: you think i was supposed to ask? see, im no good at this stuff...

invis: and everyone can get one.... they just need to let me know :)

vino: i hadnt seen that episode.. sounds funny tho..

SK: hell, i wouldnt even come here without the hot chicks...

cocaine: agreed, but WHAT promotion?

Caro said...

LMBO, great post. Your last line made me think of an Eminem song.

Anonymous said...

whats up everyone

great forum lots of helpful people just what i need can anybody tell me how they have built there list for people interested in marketing

hopefully this is just what im looking for, looks like i have a lot to read Im trying to find a way to build an e-mail list.

Kat said...

I would suggest clarifying what it is he wants BEFORE you suck him off. Just sayin.

meleah rebeccah said...

Um what the fuck? "Promote Him" that seems like a really odd request!

Deborah said...


Although I do like the sandwich-board idea. With a picture of a nice set of choppers biting into a sandwich.

Now THAT is overt. ;)

Anonymous said...

For the help please use