On Sunday, I turned on Netflix and was shocked to see that George Romero’s latest zombie film “Survival of The Dead”, had gone up on their instant streaming service the day earlier.
“Holy Shit”, my sexy, succulent, EXTREMELY kissable mouth uttered…. “I’ve been dying to see this movie all summer!”
Of COURSE I was dying to see it, as you may have gleaned from reading this site, I’m slightly obsessed with all things zombie.
(Side note: see what I did just now? “Dying” to see it? “Dying”???? Ya get it? Zombie? Dying? Holy Shit I’m witty. How the fuck did I just come up with that? Believe it or not, it didn’t take me all day. What’s that? You DIDN’T think that was particularly witty? Screw you!)
Anyway, where was I?
Well, as soon as I saw that it was available to watch, I quickly shoved Friz and Mini-Me off to a nice dinner with her family, and proceeded to take off my pants and relax on the couch to a relaxing 90 minutes of zombie mayhem.
What’s that? Why did I take off my pants? Oh, right! Like YOU guys don’t watch zombie movies completely naked, either?
I keep getting side-tracked here by talking about myself. How does this always happen to me?
Anywhoo, let me cut to the chase and say that my extreme glee that washed over me when I saw that I could watch this movie, turned into extreme self-loathing a mere 90 minutes later, when I came to the conclusion that this just might be the worst fucking movie I have ever seen in my life.
I REALLY intended to do a REAL review here, but I honestly just can’t bring myself to relive the horror I sat through on Sunday afternoon.
Let me at least give you a quick synopsis.
Off the coast of Delaware, there is a small island that is home to two feuding Irish farming families.
I know, I know. I could write my fucking doctorate on trying to explain that sentence alone. Two Irish speaking families, living off the coast of the United States. It made ZERO fucking sense, and the movie never even attempted to ever explain it. I’ve since went on the web and read forums where people discuss this movie, and apparently the entire zombie-loving community is collectively scratching their head at this ridiculous plot line.
Anyway, like I said, there are two feuding families, kinda like the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s. The movie begins a few weeks after the zombie outbreak, and it centers around one family, the O’Flynns, who think that all zombies should be eradicated, and the other family, the Muldoons, who think that all zombies should be corralled up and contained until a cure is found.
Well, as you might imagine when you put ANY two Irishmen together, before long harsh words are spoken, which quickly leads to excessive gunfire.
That’s really all I can bare to talk about as far as this movie is concerned. It was just horrendous. The movie was HORRIBLY acted, and not ONE character was the least bit likeable. I wanted to see them all die, and die painfully.
Nothing ANYONE did in the movie made the LEAST lick of sense. Sometimes, characters would just start acting in a way that was the exact opposite of their character up to that point, with no explanation. For instance, near the end of the film, the zombie-caring Muldoons start indiscriminately taking zombies out of their makeshift stables, and shooting them in the head. Wait, didn’t they just base their existence on keeping zombies alive till there was a cure? Maybe I fucking daydreamed that while I was waiting for this movie to get good.
Anyway, I’ll close with this. I LOVE zombie movies. I loves em! Romero’s original Dawn of the Dead still stands as my favorite horror movie of all time. I saw the original Day of the Dead in the damn theatre on opening night, for God’s sake!
I’ll watch ANY movie where something is moving around that should have STOPPED moving around a long time ago, but I just couldn’t watch this.
FOR ALL THAT’S HOLY, THEY HAD A ZOMBIE RIDING A HORSE!! REALLY! IT WAS RIDING A HORSE AND JUMPED OVER HURDLES AND EVERYTHING!!! YAAAARRRRGGG!!!!!
I can’t talk about this anymore. I think I need to see my therapist.